Good day all... I'm new... h e l p
I'm a nearly 40 dad to 1 great 3 year old and a soon to be 15 year old SD. My wife and I used to fight about how poorly I thought she raised her DD as far as nutrition and manners. I eventually turned a blind-eye to it because she never kept up with it to now where the kid has to take laxatives nearly every day, never eats fruits or vegetables and lives on whatever we cook + garbage. My wife put on so much weight from her poor eating that she had gastric bypass surgery, and now even though she lost a huge amount of weight, she, of course didn't do any of the required exercises and didn't expand her severely limited foods, he skin sags all over, her hair is falling out from the poor nutrition and protein/vitamin loss.
So, you can imagine our intimacy is gone but let's top this big'ole sundae off with the fact that my SD hates me, can't speak to me without yelling with an attitude, literally. I could ask her how her day was and get back a "IT WAS FINE!!!!" Now for that cherry on top... we found out today she has started cutting, and blames me causing stress in her life for it.
My wife tries to sum all of what I do up in that, while she see's how hard I try and that I want what's best for everyone that my delivery is pretty much never good and as such most things I do are lost in translation. I disagree 100% of course because I'm so ultra-sensitive to everything now I feel like I have to say please and thank you to a miserable teenager, never get the manners back of course, and instead am still told I'm the problem.
A recent conversation I had with my wife was that I wanted to start a college fund for my son, her response was that, you can't do for 1 and not the other. Well... it's not my fault she didn't set up a college fund for her daughter, so now because I thought to do this, I have to somehow start one for a nearly 15 year old which will accrue virtually nothing in the next 3 years? More importantly, whatever that amount turns out to be, SHOULD have been going to my son since it was going to be his college fund... so now he loses out on something because of a tit-for-tat mentality?
I feel like I'm out of options on what to do here. My son has started to yell and act out, I think it's because of the constant yelling caused by my SD and I want him growing up in a healthy constructive environment free of this stress.
Now what?
Not enough time to address
Not enough time to address all issues here but...Go for it on the fund for your son and don't worry about her daughter with issues. Same thing happened to me. I was a single mom saving and sacrificing for my kid. I got married and he, during his time as a married and then single, saved nothing for his daughters. He made twice what I made and so did his baby mom. WTF! He tried the guilt trip but I did not let him do that. He had his $$$ and blew it on the nice camper with the tip out and the nice house while I was living like a popper to give my son more then material junk (no child support, either). Also, come time for a daughters wedding, the x calls and leaves a message that "we needed to step up with the financial help"...what is this "we" since his girls were grown and gone before I married DH???? I helped with a reasonable gift, Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class. As for the wedding, that was between him and his X. Don't be guilted by other people's poor planning. If you must, stash a little here and a little there and keep it as a surprise for the child. Mine was all in my name and guess what? My son doesn't want to go to college! He is 21. I will hold it until he is 25 and encourage him but if he never wants to go, I guess I will by myself a camper for all the years I went with out and slept in a tent!
Well I don't really know what
Well I don't really know what to do. I love my son more than anything but the thought of a divorce honestly scares me because I don't want to miss a moment of his life. We lost 3 pregnancies getting him and to think I wouldn't be around for something is a killer. At the same time, he deserves serenity and calm. Just told my wife she needs to step up with her daughter because I've tried everything, and now cutting and the docs want her in an intensive 5 day a week therapy program because mentally she's tipped enough to alarm them, but not enough to be admitted. At this point the college fund is the last thing I'm thinking about but thank you both for your thoughts.
SD needs to be in that
SD needs to be in that program! I hope your wife understands that her daughter needs help. I went through this with my daughter when she was a younger teen. I tried to deal with it on my own but realized it was more than I was capable of handling and like you I had younger children in the home to attend to as well. It took lots of outside intervention to get her help. She was in a residential treatment facility for a month, day programs, counseling, etc. We did family counseling, she did individual counseling, her and I did counseling. It was a few intense years but it was worth it. You're right that your wife needs to "step up with her daughter." If she doesn't she could lose her permanently. Cutting is a cry for help and can easily be taken too far.
About your son, a good daycare/preschool may be more beneficial for him at this point than a college fund and get him away from the yelling and drama for part of the day. As you've read on these forums, divorce is not always the answer. Sometimes you jump from the frying pan right into the fire!
Best wishes to you
As far as the college fund
As far as the college fund goes, I say don't worry about your SD. She has two parents and it should be their responsibility to fund her education.
So many issues. I'm going to
So many issues. I'm going to address only the bariatric surgery. Even if your wife was exercising, excess skin is very normal--most patients learn to live with it or have further plastic surgery. You don't say how long it has been since her surgery, but hair loss is also to be expected. Lots of it. Eventually it should come back in, but it might take a year or longer. Bariatric patients have to commit to a lifetime of vitamin replacements, and depending on the type of surgery, they have to be vitamins that suitable due to altered digestion physiology. Her bariatric surgeon or nutritionist would have made a recommendation. "Protein first" is also the lifetime mantra of a bariatric patient when eating meals. When people who have had surgery do not adopt a new lifestyle, they are at risk of regaining the weight they lost. That is always such a shame when medical and psychological resources should be available to assist.
If your wife is not doing the things she needs to do to take care of herself, go with her to an appointment with her surgeon. She should have checkups every few months for the year after her surgery, and annually after that. Go with her to her next appointment so you can be supportive and ask questions. Or call the surgeon yourself to seek advice on your own. Complaining about it is not helpful.
Obesity is a complex physiological and frequently psychological issue. No doubt your SD is experiencing some of the same issues as her mother. I hope they both get the help they need.
Sure, you can make sure you
Sure, you can make sure you don't miss a moment of your son turning into SD. The bonus is your son won't miss a moment of you turning into a shell of a man. Awesome.
This is a sinking ship and it will only take both you and your boy down with it.
I say this not because of your wife's medical issues but because of:
1) how she treats you
2) how she will raise your boy [see how she raised her daughter].
Leave. Get as much custody of your son as you can. And for god's sake feed him properly on your watch and develop a taste in him for carrots, apples, broccoli, peas, and so forth. Hope and pray that he does ok on visits to her. Hold firm at your house.
Forget your SD. She is not yours. Not your responsibility. Not your job to take her abuse. Nor provide for college. Forget her.
Start by opening a college fund for your boy right away. You don't have to tell wife about it. She's already proved she cannot be trusted with such information. Then take more and more steps to get yourself out of there until you are.
To be extremely clear, I myself would not take this kind of abuse from a spouse. My spouse would never dish it out. I wouldn't be with one who did. There is no reason you should, either. A spouse is supposed to LIKE you, ADMIRE you, be your biggest cheerleader. Are you getting any of that? Nothing you could tell me could make up for what you've already posted.
My own SD is 15. She is no prize. But I told my DH right off I would have to move back to my house if he couldn't get her under control. You know what, GregT? He started working on it. It's not perfect but he's trying very hard and making a lot of strides and I feel he is, in fact, my biggest cheerleader and friend. He would never, ever ask me to be responsible for either of his kids, especially not the one who hates me. I do take on some duties voluntarily and he can't stop thanking me for it. Find yourself someone like that. Don't settle for less.
Save your little boy. Get him outta there.
If I were you, I would go set
If I were you, I would go set up the college fund on my own and set up online statements so no mail gets delivered at the house.
Take care of your own child. I also have a very disrespectful step son with major issues and am finally learning to focus on my own kid's future. The step kids are not our responsibility. They have their own parents.