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THIS is what I was talking about

Biomomof2's picture

BS attends a Charter school. It is homeschool based with classes available at the center. They are pretty new so still figuring stuff out. Tonight was the first ever family holiday movie night. He has been looking forward to it for a month. It was 6pm-830pm.
CO has kids call BF between 7-730pm on Tuesday and Thursday
45 minutes into the movie I had to pull the kids outside to call BF. BF has kinda given up on DD. They talk for about 3 minutes the last month ( since he was served with the court paperwork). BS gets on the phone "hey Dad we are at my school for the first ever family movie night. We are watching Polar Express. Mom made us take a picture with Santa. I'm here with mom, and sister and hanging out with my friends. Can I please talk to you on Tuesday???" Pause for a minute. "No, Dad. It's the whole school, I can't ask them to pause the movie". "Ok". Silence. BS comes over (we are out in the lobby) and sits down by me. Quiet for a minute. "Well Dad, you won't let me off the phone but you can't make me talk". BF kept him on the phone for 15 minutes because I quote "it's my time to talk to you and family is more important. So I want to talk"
I really don't give a shit who thinks I'm PASing my kids (if following therapist advice on how to handle it is PAS) or all of you that think trying to protect my kids mean I am still hung up on BF. THIS is CRAP. BF has no concern for the fact that children are people. With wants, interests, desires, feelings and opinions. This not only pissed BS9 off, it was very clear that to BS that BF doesn't care about BS as a person, but only about what BF wants. After the movie was over, BS stopped me as we were getting in the car and gave me a hug and thanked me. He thanked me for never forcing him to stay on the phone. He thanked he for letting him like what he likes and not making him "like" what I like and he thanked me for always being there and for taking him and sister to the movie night. The
All I told him in return is you're very welcome. I will always support what you like because I want you to be you. I don't want you to be me, the world already has one. And I had fun with him and sister. I'm glad he enjoyed himself.
THIS is ONE of THOUSANDS of examples like this.
And just FYI, the reason Itell DD to try to enjoy herself at dads is because she spends 99% of her time there in her room. To the point BS told his therapist that he worries about DD at dads. I force her out of the car every Friday that she goes over there. It's not PASing her, it's the advice of the therapist to try and remind her Friday before she goes and Saturday on the phone that it's not all bad. There are still some good things with dad. And to enjoy those.

Comments

twoviewpoints's picture

Is your ex so unreasonable that you might not of called/texted him prior to the movie and asked if 1)the call could be made right after 8:30 and tell him why, or 2)the call could be the next evening or an evening early like Wednesday, if those are not Dad visitation times, or even called him before the movie and after (hey, whatever it takes).

I get Dad's thoughts that the kids can't just blow Dad off because they have something better they'd like to do (no matter how big of a horse's ass your ex is nor what stupid things he talks about while on the phone), but surely the kids could work with Dad. The kids have known abut this movie night for the last month. I understand you wanting your kids to participate in everything to the extent they possibly can. They're kids they want to have fun, enjoy what the other kids are doing blah blah, but you do have a CO of phone times that you can't just blow off at least without having the kids try and make other call arrangements with their father.

I realize you're thinking of trying to do away with the calls all together when you go to court later next month, but in the meantime the calls are still part of the CO.

Biomomof2's picture

I really appreciate your post. Help me out... It gets sticky on contact because I have an RO against him. No texting allowed. Only email and only about the children. So, would I really be ok if the rare events like this, I email dad and tell him what is going on and just say the children will call you after?? I try so hard to follow the CO to the letter so Bf can't use anything against me.
Yes, I guess your right. I wasn't trying to say hahahaha I'm better then dad at ALL. I didn't even think about how it could be taken as.... And your dad doesn't. It is something I have told both DD11 and BS9 since they went to pre-school... Just be yourself. So I didn't see any undertones about Bf as I was just saying something I have tried to impart in them forever.
I've emailed my attorney to see if a once in a blue moon event like this would be fine. Thank you again.

Sunflower1's picture

Completely agree. Tog pointed out a respectful way her son could have dealt with the situation, instead outright disrespect is being condoned and even encouraged. OP, your ex is an ass, I still think you are incouraging pas and that makes you an ass as well. Both of you are behaving poorly.

momandmore's picture

BM in my situation is kind of like BF in yours when it comes to the phone calls. BM has a 3 hour time span in which she can call the kids twice a week. BM thought she could call multiple times during this time frame, use the calls to fight with DH .. all kinds of craziness.

The kids do not have to stay on the phone the whole time. our calls usually last 30 seconds up to 3 minutes sometimes, both kids combined. If BM doesn't listen to them when they say bye, they repeat it loudly and hang up. (of course always gets blamed on DH, through lots of voicemail and text).

My point is, they don't have to stay on the phone any longer than they wish to. It is dad's time to talk to them but it's also for them to keep in contact with dad.

I agree with sending a quick text "hey the kids are doing this from x time to x time, what would be a better time to call" We tried this in my situation and were threatened with contempt bc BM just wanted to feel like she had some kind of control.

When BM forgets to call I will sometimes get a text the next day "hey I forgot to call last night, can I call tonight" ummm no. we have on other occasions let her call a different night in the hospital or something.

hatemyhusband's picture

My son has a friend like this. He is 11 now, he is what I consider trapped with dad ever other weekend for visitation. Dad lives about 5 minutes away from mom/ us/all his other friends. But he has never allowed his son to get together with friends, go to birthday parties, or participate in sports during his weekend

Even in an intact family, kids get older, develop their own interests and friendships, do extra curriculars. Family time is important, but some kids get held back from " normal" life cause dad is hell bent on his visitation.

Biomomof2's picture

Yep. That is BF to a TEE!!! He has never let them attend anything on his weekend as it is "his time".

Biomomof2's picture

Here is the deal. I am the one who submitted the paperwork for court appointed times as BF was using "reasonable contact" as a reason to call me ALL the time. I have an RO against him, but all he had to die was say I was trying to get ahold of my kids... And it didn't matter what the voicemail actually said. I have always had the kids call him. These calls have gone from being CO monitored, to CO recorded..... To only in the therapist office... And back around again.
BS... Is OCD/Aspergers.. Emotionally 6..... Intelligence of a 14 yr old... Genius IQ. So yes, at times I have a 6 yr old on my hands and at times I have a 14-15 yr old. And at times it balances out and I actually get a 9yr old all though that is rare.
BF will NOT budge on the PHone call times, so I have the choice of following the CO or breaking it. Just sent my attorney an email to see what he thinks about being late on the rare event.