How do you keep crazy BM from sabotaging your parenting and skids future?

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BM plays a game of whatever my DH tries to get her to do, she refuses. If he told her get a bucket of water because you're on fire, she wouldn't because she thinks she's better and smarter than us. SD12 has been on an educational, hygienic and behavioral downward spiral for 2 years.

BM lets her stay up till 2am playing internet games on school nights. She is late for school and classes every day and is getting Fs and Ds in every class. Rather than take responsibility for what's happening. SD and BM make up the excuse that it's her A.D.D that makes her like that not that fact she is only getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep at night. If my DH tries to give her advice about making SD do her work and sleep. Her response is always my house my rules. Except when it inconveniences her. She lets her stay up late, then when SD needs to get up early she screams at BM and gives her a hard time. Then we get the call that she is being difficult and we need to talk to her. Don't ask us to do your job you lazy PITA.

So I don't see the point of trying to teach SD anything when she's down here because she goes back to mommy's happy dream life every week and gets away with murder. The kid is at the point psychologically that if it is not what she wants to hear she shuts down and won't listen to anything. I'm so sick of being the "mean parent house" that she's forced to go to.

You just wrote our story. BM

You just wrote our story. BM always says "Don't tell me what to do in my house"

AHH, I feel your pain

You guys can't control what

You guys can't control what BM does at her house. If she is bound and determined for the skid to fail, the skid will fail.

BUT, that doesn't mean she gets to call daddy for reinforcements when things aren't going her way. He needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that HER way of parenting is what is CAUSING the problems. *click*

Make sure the skid HAS to follow the rules at your house. DH is the one who should be doing that, though.

She posts on Facebook with

She posts on Facebook with various 1am, 2am 3am post time stamps.

There actually is something

There actually is something you can do. This is neglect. It is normal for kids to try and stay up all night on their devices. It is not normal for a parent to allow it knowing the kid has to get up for school the next day. You can report her to CPS but it's risky. You may end up with the child full time

No, that gets them in the

No, that gets them in the door. Kid failing school, kid being neglected... yes, they care. They over care. Kids are put into foster care at an alarming rate, often for practically nothing (which isn't good). Court and CPS are two entirely different entities. Honestly, if the kid is getting 3-4 hours of sleep and not functioning at school, it's scary that a teacher hasn't reported something. Teachers don't know this is going on but HAVE to see something's not right. Kids look like shit after ONE night of no sleep.

Obviously it depends on the

Obviously it depends on the county/state/each case worker. Have you missed the stories of children being removed simply for choosing alternative medical care? There is a HUGE issue out there (generally) of CPS removing kids unnecessarily because of money. And of course there are kids that fall through the cracks because they are so "busy." Of course, states with more available foster parents are going to have more children removed from homes, or more cases checked out. What goes on in your county isn't what's happening everywhere. Same thing for mine.

True

So I don't see the point of

So I don't see the point of trying to teach SD anything when she's down here

It may not do any good, but your DH is her parent and he still has the responsibility to parent her and TRY to teach her good habits when she is with him. You never know what might eventually sink in.

It does suck having a BM that doesn't care.

I agree echo-he has a lot of

I agree echo-he has a lot of nerve to give bm advice or try to tell her to do anything. His right to do that ended when they divorced.

Agreed, Echo. The skid is 12.

Agreed, Echo. The skid is 12. That's PLENTY old enough to understand that mommy and daddy may have different rules and routines in their homes, just like classrooms in school. You do what the parent/teacher tells you to do in that person's home/classroom.

One of my exes had twin 6 year olds. We had different rules in our house than their BM did and they had NO problem remembering that.

And that's plenty old enough

And that's plenty old enough to explain to them why it's not good to stay up all night. They need to start making choices for themselves and not just because mom or dad said so. If it were my child, I would ask her to send me a picture every morning to see what she looks like. And then reward her when she's getting enough sleep regularly. Because you can tell when they aren't. Dad can still parent when kid is at mom's. It's about teaching them, not just making them follow some arbitrary rules (like bm's). Put it back on the kid to do the right thing, because in a few years, she will be the only one watching herself and what habits will she have then?

" that not that fact she is

" that not that fact she is only getting 3 to 4 hours of sleep at night. If my DH tries to give her advice about making SD do her work and sleep."

To be honest if an ex tried to tell me what to do, I'd tell them what to do with what they just said. But I wouldn't be a neglectful parent either.

He needs to document all of this stuff and keep every report card, facebook post, etc., and hygiene records. I'd seriously contemplate asking a judge for custody due to all this.

I would agree with you all

I would agree with you all 100% if she wasn't calling us to punish SD constantly when she acts up at her house. But when she doesn't want help she gives us trouble for giving her advice. It's like she's using us to discipline the kid when she doesn't want to be the bad guy.