I finally got in to see my counselor and we had a very intense session yesterday
I broke down in tears and cried about how I was getting scared about Twit, about how things were not going her way as in the past. About her being around our house when we were gone etc.
Generally, as those in counseling know, you are asked why you think these things are happening.
This time my counselor actually said she was going to tell me what she thought, and it was just her educated opinion, was really going on. She has never seen me this upset before.
That (as we here know) Twit has a major personality disorder and has for years been humored and allowed to get away with things because people, family, made excuses for her, and that is why, IHO, her BM doesn't have that much to do with her.
Anyway the counselor laid it out that what is going on now is all about control and getting me back in the position where she can snipe at me and have DH stand up for her...what is "normal" for her. That, she said, is what this fabrication about me having called Twit a liar is about. Counselor pointed out that DH admitted he heard the nasty things Twit said to me and didn't like it, that he knows what she is and she exposed herself. So now the illegitmate charge of me calling her a liar is what she is pushing to get me to apologize to her so she can absolve herself of any wrong doing. She sees it as her way out and putting me back in my place, and she hopes DH has the strength not to give into her demands. So far DH has backed in and even told the Twit I owe her no apology for anything, that I never called her a liar.
She is very glad we are planning on leaving this area, but just because we relocate not to think for a moment Twit would leave us alone.
Just from what DH and I have told her in the past, she can see that Twit is totally self-centered in herself and others are only there to feed her need for affection, love, being around on holidays, giving her things, etc.
She said I have to stay
She said I have to stay strong because this is a competition in Twit's mind....one she wants to win at all costs. And she will do and say anything to do so.
I told her I wanted no more to do with her and didn't want her around for the holidays. She agreed. People that give you trash thinking you should be thrilled that they do so are really telling you what they think about you. But then we know that but it was nice to hear it.
She thinks that if neither DH or I capitulate to her demands she might, just might, crawl off some where.
or have DH go see her
or have DH go see her separately for the holidays.
I have already told DH I
I have already told DH I don't want her here for the holidays and if he feels a need to see her he can go down there.
"So far DH has backed in and
"So far DH has backed in and even told the Twit I owe her no apology for anything, that I never called her a liar." Good for DH, hopefully he keeps his backbone.
Morning still learning - Yep,
Morning still learning - Yep, DH has told Twit I don't owe her an apology for anything. He has even spoken up about the bad way she treats him. Usually he just lets her bad treatment go claiming it didn't bother him.
He has also told me that I don't need to like her after what she said to me. What she said shocked him, especially as when she was saying it she seemed almost gleeful about what she was saying, like she expected me to be grateful and accepting of her poor treatment of DH and I. Very strange, to say the least. Kind of like Twit saying she is mean to me, treats us like garbage, etc. BUT she does it because she cares about us?! Now, if she thinks that is being caring etc., then she has bigger problems than even I imagined, or she is so cruel that she doesn't give a carp.
I went to the counselor
I went to the counselor because I knew I was having problems with my feelings/fears after Twit was prowling around our house while we were gone over Thanksgiving. THAT really creeped me out because as I have said, she scares me.
notasm - You are right there.
notasm - You are right there. The relationship with Twit can never be repaired. DH has asked me to at least be civil to her. Me, I told him I will be civil as long as I don't have to be around her or talk to her.
I think she is very surprised at how things are not going her way. Generally, DH would try to smooth things over etc. This time he is not.
Even when she had the GB situation he didn't go calling her and running down there giving her all the attention she craved. He was concerned, but, as he said, it was her husband's problem to take care of her.
I believe her phone call earlier this week was fishing for a Christmas invite. Generally, I let everyone know very early in Dec. what is going on, what the menu will be and what to come over. This year she must notice the silence on our part.
You are right, I wouldn't get
You are right, I wouldn't get into anything with her which she would love. She would love to pin me down publically and tell me how I owe her an apology etc. Ignore is what I would do and not let her intimidate me. Just like she wasn't there. You have to realize that with Twit, even saying hello is, to her, an opportunity. Been down that road before with her. Maybe just a slight nod as I walk by but that is it.
I have been embarrassed enough by Twit screaming at me at auctions for bidding on something etc. No need to encourage her in any way.
Have you shown your dh how
Have you shown your dh how worried and afraid you are of twit and her escalating strange behaviour?! I think you may need to tell him, that while you are sorry about how upset dh is with the current situation with twit and you do not want to burden him further however you cannot continue hiding your fear, uneasiness about how twit is so obsessed with you, focusing her hostility towards you and her enjoyment at the discontent she has and may cause between you and dh. These are meant to be your relaxing, fun years surrounded by people who love you and that is all you want, not this fear and worry. The fact she was at your home while you were really worries and scares you, because she seems to take some kind of enjoyment from terrorising you and you do not trust what she will next do in order to get this reaction that she has been used to. That you have been so upset that you broke down with your counsellor, as you are so on edge. I would then bring up moving.
Yes Delilah, I have told him
Yes Delilah, I have told him I am becoming scared. He keeps telling me that I have no reason to be scared of Twit, but I think that is just talk from him. He was supportive when I told him I was making the apt. with the counselor.
He is down playing my fears about Twit, but I think it is because he is trying to calm me down. He isn't telling me they are unreal, or that I am imagining, just that I shouldn't be scared of her.
But then he was also the one that told me Twit wasn't mean, didn't have a mean bone in her body, UNTIL he heard what she told me that day. Even he says to stay away from her (which I gladly do), that she can be mean. Realization has hit him.
You know ripleyV2 - Back a
You know ripleyV2 - Back a few months ago I had this strange feeling about the locks, and the fact that when we first moved here DH gave Twit keys. We changed all of them. Never said a thing about Twit, just that we should do so because they were the locks on the house when we moved in and you never know who the former owners gave keys to.
THANK GOODNESS we did so because of Twit prowling around over Thanksgiving!
You know how they say to trust your gut feelings? Well that was one reason I wanted the locks changed. AND, no one gets keys to the new locks.
This whole situation with
This whole situation with Twit now is about control. She is gonna show me, make me break to her will, use DH to bend me to apologize to her. I believe, and the counselor agreed, she knows she has gone way too far this time and she doesn't know what to do about it as her usual methods are not working.
And, since DH agrees I owe her no apology because I have done nothing to apologize to her for (it is all projection on her part - delusion is what I call it) he is backing me up.
What did the counselor think
What did the counselor think about Twit skulking around your home on Thanksgiving? Did she say your fear is justified? I do.
Yes Sandye = I brought that
Yes Sandye = I brought that up. She, as counselors do, asked me why I thought/felt she did that.
I told her I honestly don't know, that it surprised me. I told her about changing the locks because I felt funny. She did ask if I thought Twit wanted to get inside...and I had to admit, Yes, I did feel that was what she wanted. Why I don't know, or what exactly she was up to. I do know Twit was upset because DH had told her he wasn't happy with some of the stuff she was pulling.
The counselor did agree it was pretty strange especially as she denied it later.
I'm sorry to write about Twit. It is just that this has been going on for what seems an eternity. She has caused so much angst, and recall DH had to be hospitalized for chest pains after dealing with her the one time.
And because I have become more aware of her kind and how she operates, I can look back at things she has done, that I thought were strange at the time, and see how abnormal she acted. It is real scary pattern. Maybe it is putting the pieces together and getting a real true frightful picture of what she is and how she operates that makes me uncomfortable.
Twit would see it as a
Twit would see it as a weakness and ramp things up.
Itman - That is EXACTLY how
Itman - That is EXACTLY how Twit would see it. And she would also see it as the right to continue to try to torment us.
What I am trying to do is to get it so that she just realizes nothing is going to go her way and she slinks off to back under the rock she comes from.
The other part is that DH is realizing just how bad she really is. And that is very hard for him. He has come a long way but nothing is ever in a straight direct line.
Just wait until she finds out that we are putting the house on the market. Oh my, I will bet the farm she goes absolutely nuts crying to DH about how she wants him to stay around here, the old "we are family" carp we fell for when we originally moved down here. Now, friends at that time I only had very limited contact with Twit and didn't have a clue as to how nuts she really is. I will say there were things she did that I wondered about, but I had no basis for putting things together on how mean and nasty she was.
Cat - THAT is what she wants.
Cat - THAT is what she wants. As the counselor said, it would absolve her of all the nasty things she has done that have now gotten so bad even her father has noticed. You see, one thing she wants is his approval that she is so good, perfect, etc.
FWIW, Twit is always complaining to DH how bad her BM is, how she is always looking for money from Twit. Even DH is realizing that is total BS. As he once said, poor put about Twit, everyone is always wanting something from her (that was sarcastic on his part, he knows Twit doesn't do anything or give anything to any one other than her "babies"). She is just looking for adulation as to how great she is, how successful she thinks she is.
Ya, if you nail her on her
Ya, if you nail her on her behavior she'll want another apology. You are doing the right thing by staying as far away from her as you can. What I am wondering though is - does the counselor think Twit could be dangerous?
Sandye - I did ask that, as I
Sandye - I did ask that, as I told her I am concerned and getting quite upset with what is going on. Counselor said that, she didn't know, but she could say that Twit was certainly persistent. She wants what she wants and to win at all cost.
She did say one thing that was interesting, that should Twit not prevail in her quest to break me, it might, might just be a breakdown point for her. Not that she would come after me (I asked that) but that it could be physical/mental for her. I couldn't help but quip that I thought Twit's mental part was already gone.
Oh no, counselor says, she, projecting or not, knows exactly what she wants. She said there is no way this situation can ever be patched up. In Twit's mind it is WAR.
What the counselor did start to question is Twit's relationship with her husband....what did I know about that? I told her he keeps in somewhat in check at times because I felt she was afraid of losing him. Counselor said that was in keeping with things, that Twit probably would be afraid of being alone. And I mentioned how she cried to DH last spring about how unhappy she was with her husband and would leave but she had no where to go. Of course DH felt bad for her, but I made it very clear she wasn't coming to my house. Don't know if what she says is true or she was just fishing for sympathy and attention from DH.
Twit's husband could very
Twit's husband could very well be distancing himself from her but as Twit likes to alter the truth so much you will never really know. This would however, make her fearful of being alone. From what you have written, Twit is also very tied into image so she wants everything to gel according to the unrealistic picture she wants everyone to believe.
I agree with what Rags wrote a few posts down. There are too many instances in the news recently about dangerous people being 'underestimated' Next time she snoops around your home, have the neighbors call the police.
Maybe she will ramp up her WAR when she learns you arr moving but don't let it deter you from creating more physical distance from her. You have a right to a happy, safe life.
One thing I do know about
One thing I do know about Twit's husband is that he puts in a lot of hours at work. Being salaried he doesn't get paid extra so that is to me a sign that things aren't going well. I mean he also works Sat. and even on Sundays! I was always hoping he had something going on the side as in my opinion he deserves much better than Twit.
Also, she has always complained that in the evening, when he comes home, he goes up to his man cave and stays there. Hmmm, another piece of marital bliss? I think not. DH noticed this when he had to live with her for that 6 months. Me, I think every one down there is terrified of upsetting the Twit - Drunkie, her husband, etc. Thus they stay away or hide out in the house. But that is just my opinion. After all these years on this planet, dealing with people, watching people, etc. one gets an idea what is going on even when no one says anything. When her husband's father passed away, she immediately wanted to make sure her name was put on anything and everything he inherited! She was bragging about it and how if it was his it was also hers. Umm, even the law doesn't look at inheritance that way. But if he did put her name on things, well, then it is hers too. Greedy? Yep, but maybe also afraid things might or are going downhill? According to Twit, her husband rules the house, but as I see it he generally lets her do what she wants and just works or goes to his man cave. She has also cried to DH that her hubby has no friends - I believe he has friends, but he just doesn't want to include her in those friendships. Trust me, with her arrogant she is better than you attitude it doesn't go far.
She sounds like what my SD
She sounds like what my SD will turn into !!!
It's sick ~ it's like your life is a game of chess ~ what an uncomfortable feeling to deal with.
My SD has stalked my home on many occasions ~ where I live is off the beaten track ~ there is no wrong turn your making ~ it's a deliberate drive. Sd hates me, and my children n her father is with me ~ loves me & has chosen us as his family.
Hi Easy - Yes, it does seem
Hi Easy - Yes, it does seem like a chess game. That is what gets so fatiguing, one just doesn't know what lurks in her toady brain.
The only effective way that I
The only effective way that I have determined to deal with these toxic idiots is complete and total annihilation. Don’t play her game, play your own. Be calm, be calculating, be professional and do what is necessary to leave her lying quivering and bare assed naked in front of a two way mirror for herself and everyone else to see her bared to her toxic and manipulative inner core.
This is what it took to get the Sperm GrandHag under control in our blended family adventure. It is like building a cage that you put together one bar at a time until you have the opposition very tightly captured. Each bar is fed to you by the toxic opposition and you use their own behaviors to own their idiot asses and ultimately to destroy them. Even when you have her fully contained she will attempt to reach out to manipulate. Since she isn’t going anywhere you slap her silly when she reaches out her manipulative hand.
We kept getting the Sperm Idiot’s CS jacked up which directly impacted the Hag because she was paying his CS for my Skid. We destroyed their façade of the Sperm Idiot having custody of his 3 younger also out of wedlock spawn by two other baby mamas which was the lynchpin of their façade to keep CS minimized. We demonstrated the truth to get the judge to consider adding Sperm GrandHag’s and Sperm GrandPa’s income to the equation for calculation of child support. They just about stroked out when the Judge agreed to consider adding their income to their son’s for CS calculation purposes. Ultimately their income was not utilized to set a higher level of CS since CS went up by ~600% without their income included but the abject shock and misery on Sperm GrandHag’s face when the Judge agreed with our case was priceless. We did whatever was necessary including having the kid picked up by my FIL with police escort at her work when she failed to put the Skid on the plane after visitation. This ultimately got her downsized since the owners did not like having police cars in front of their office. Her fabrications about my bride and I were destroyed in front of her Church when my FIL and the police walked into a Church service and picked up the kid on another missed return flight bullshit manipulation. She had told her Church that my bride no longer wanted the Skid. When the Skid got hooked with a rusty fish hook during a camping trip and Sperm GrandHag did not want to take him to the doc for a Tetanus shot we gave her the choice of taking him or paying for the helicopter ambulance that we would send to her location to pick the kid up and get him to a doc for the shot. We had her ranting on the stand in front of a judge and two attorneys (Theirs and ours) on more than one occasion which ultimately caused the failure of her side business of cleaning law offices.
To avoid total annihilation all she had to do was be reasonable and follow the CO. She was incapable of that which gave us no choice but to destroy her. No guilt, no second thoughts, we just committed to winning … and we did. And by winning the Skid also won. He was informed and armed with the facts about his Sperm Clan and with that knowledge he has been able to minimize their toxic bullshit in his life now that he is an adult.
You never quit, you never show mercy, and you continuously do what is necessary to minimize the toxic oppositions influence in your life. The only way to do that is to destroy them to all that are important in their own lives by using their own behaviors against them. Friends, family, teachers, Church community, the law, etc…………. No one that is important to them can be left off of the broadcast list of their toxic behaviors.
Have her arrested; make sure the arrest record is published in the local paper where all of the arrests are published. Drag her ass to court, if she shows up on your property without invitation have her arrested. Save every message, v-mail, e-mail, log and record every call, log record every conversation, etc…… File an RO keeping her away from you and your home and do it now.
When the Hag played her manipulative games about missing his return flights after visitation we made sure she was put in the spotlight everywhere in her community for her crap. We dragged she and her idiot son, the Sperm Idiot, to court any time they failed to do anything but exactly what the CO told them to do. They gave us no choice and we chose no other path but to own their idiot asses and to win.
Your therapist has said that Twit is playing a game that she fully intends to win. So you win. By winning you gain the ultimate revenge. You live well, you are happy, you take control rather than continue to accept being her victim, and you destroy her in the process to not only herself but everyone else.
Happy –win, control-win, destroy her-win, win-win.
Go win.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Rags - WOW! Good points, but
Rags - WOW! Good points, but I do have one big problem to doing what I would like concerning Twit....my DH. While he is starting to realize and let Twit know her actions towards both of us are not acceptable, if I were to go for total warfare he would definitely come down with me. Thus I have to do things covert, so to speak. Like when I sent Twit's hubby a copy of the letter she sent me and, according to what Twit cried to DH, he got all over her about it and that I was terrible I tell you, just terrible to do that to her.
That happened shortly after Twit came up here and accused me of having called her a liar to DH, among other things. She really whipped him up on that and it did cause some problems between DH and I. I had never called Twit a liar.
Thus, when DH asked me if I had sent Twit's evil letter to her husband I had no problem saying yes - that turnabout was fair play. DH never said another word about it. AND he wasn't upset with me for having done so.
Counseling has helped me and
Counseling has helped me and my DH, whom I actually kicked out of the house over a year ago because he would back Twit on things because he didn't like confrontation or problems. Thus, she learned she could get away with a lot.
Lifetime movies are just that....movies. But I do know I am dealing with someone who has problems. Even DH has admitted this summer that Twit has problems AND he has told me that it is okay with him if I don't like her and want nothing to do with her. THAT is something he has never said before. I also noticed that when I had DH change the locks a few months back, he didn't question or even ask me why.
As for our moving.....won't be anywhere around here. Looking at property in the South West many, many miles away from Twit.
Well, so far the weather is
Well, so far the weather is going to be good so DD and her family should be here for Christmas Eve/Christmas. Yeah!
So far Twit has not raised her evil head that I am aware of, no phone calls, unless she is emailing DH but I don't care that would be between him and her and DH hasn't asked at all if Twit is invited for Christmas Eve because I have already made it very clear to him she is not. If he ha any need to see her he can go down there or wherever she might be.
I just might have a real nice Christmas gift this year --- NO TWIT! Keep your fingers crossed.
Sounds like you have become
Sounds like you have become the target much like I was for my stepsons. My counselor told me I could have done either things right and treated them like gold and it still would not have been enough because they simply did not want me in my position. She told me that as long as I try to engage with them I would be their target and I was falsely accused of far too much. She told me I needed to have absolutely nothing to do with stepsons, I followed her advise and I can tell you it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Nice thing too, is counselor said this with husband in the room. He's not pushed me since to try to continue my relationship with them.
I agree that there is
I agree that there is probably nothing you could ever do that would have been right with them. Of course you realize it isn't you personally, it would have been any one who married their father.
Some people, like Twit, just need someone they can bash, torment, be mean too, etc. because that is how they get their sick needs filled. The fact that I am the SM only means, to Twit, that I am a "captive" so to speak victim for her. As long as I am married to her father I, in her sick twisted mind, will always be there for her to abuse, so she thinks.
DH knows too, he has heard the counselor tell me, and him that. But he just isn't the type to be brutal in cutting her off. With him it is going to take time as reality sinks in more and more.
Of course, since we don't watch her dogs so she can "get away from it all" any more she should start drifting away as well. Her needs and wants are not getting met so, with people like her, we are of no use to her.
Sadly, after New Years I feel she is going to be a vicious, foaming at the mouth animal who is going to go after me because her needs have not been met. That is how she operates. She has been thwarted a few times and hopefully I will be successful again.
Husband leaned on me hard to
Husband leaned on me hard to be there for his children for many years. He would tell me to just deal with things when the boys was young, said I knew more what was going on. Getting him involved was not easy. He wanted to have the role of play mate but he didn't want to address the hard issues with his sons. As long as I was the one the boys had their anger directed at my husband was fine with it. That changed one day. His youngest son who had given me so much trouble finally blew up at his dad and just went off about how terrible we had been as parents. he told us that we would never know his daughter as our grand child. For me that was the end. Husband did not speak to his son for a long long time but eventually husband tried to make contact and repair that wound. I have stayed away. Husband does understand now but really didn't get it til his own flesh and blood turned against him. This happened several years ago, there was never an apology from his son and we have not seen the little girl since.
I am sorry, what is twit?
I am sorry, what is twit?
A Twit is your worst
A Twit is your worst nightmare and one you don't want to ever deal with. It is my adult - going on 50 - stepdaughter who IMHO is wacky.
Have you researched
Have you researched narcissistic borderline personality disorder so you are fore warned and know how to out manoeuvre Twit?
Clearly your counsellor believes she has this disorder (or one of the cluster b's) so I would be studying and preparing for my counter measures so she never wins and you know HOW to respond in the future.
Morning stormy - I'm up
Morning stormy - I'm up before the rest of the family, coffee is on. Yep, Twit is a cluster b for sure. I have researched it and darn if it doesn't fit quite well. In fact, it helps put a name on some of the other strange behaviors she has done in the past. Control is a big one with Twit.
And yes, it has helped me plan on how to handle her carp because she is so predictable....to a point. But it doesn't make it any easier to go through.
As I have said before, she has been carping to DH that I owe her an apology for calling her a liar....which I never did and even DH knows that. THAT was a strange incident....no one was calling her anything and she was crying that I was calling her a liar. Even DH stepped in with her and said no one was calling her anything, but she still persisted claiming she was wronged. Very strange and bizarre.
So, her, the poor put upon Twit is demanding an apology. Guess she says she will apologize to me only AFTER I apologize to her for calling her a liar. Ummm....my days of apologizing for things I never did are OVER. You see, with Twit, if you apologize to her specifically, she will throw out a bland insincere sorry BUT and nothing, nothing ever changes with her. As I told both the counselor and my DH, nope, nothing changes she just goes her merry destructive way and expects every one to accept what she does unconditionally. BUT if any one dare to look at her cross eyed she goes off the deep end demanding they get down on their knees and apologize.
Since DH knows this demanding an apology from me Twit situation is bogus it is a good time to really put my foot down about her nonsense.