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DH seeing the light. Sorta

still learning's picture

After almost a decade of completely enabling ss30, ss30 is now not talking to DH. DH took care of everything for this man child who refused to work or even try to live on his own. At one point ss30 even moved his gf in for almost a year. Now ss30 won't return DH's calls (on the phone that DH pays for), his texts or even acknowledge him on Facebook. DH is finally admitting his part in it all. He admits he enabled and "protected" him for too many years. But DH still continues to pay $50+ a month for ss30's smart phone.

The first two years we were married I always said exactly what I felt about ss30 and also told DH that I couldn't believe how badly he let ss30 treat him. In return for my concern I became the bad guy. Luckily I had a wise therapist (all stepmoms need therapy!) who told me that DH needs to deal with his son himself w/out me being a buffer. I had no problem completely "stepping aside." I've disengaged and it's so great. DH gets to exclusively deal with his son and I have nothing to do with it and no opinion on the matter. Of course I do have an opinion but say nothing of it to DH. I offer DH comfort and will listen briefly when DH is sad about ss30 cutting him out of his life but I'm not getting back into that mess.

DH realizes he did too much for ss30 and now his ungrateful hell spawn baby won't talk to him. I just watch from the sidelines while DH still enables and pays his guilt money each month. I hope one day he really gets it. That he needs to let ss30 be fully in control of his life which also means taking care of his own bills. That you can't buy your childs' love. That kids grow up and the relationship needs to change. DH is sorta seeing the light.

still learning's picture

"DH is doing his son no favours, and still tolerates his kid ignoring him even though he helps the kid..." Exactly. I know this, DH says he knows it but yet the enabling continues. It's a sick twisted dynamic. BM enables him, DH enables him and his aunt's from DH's and BM's side enable him. SS30 plays the victim card so well. What a sad way to live, but on the bright side I'll never have to watch another soap opera again. Real life has been so much more entertaining.

still learning's picture

I am so grateful to have ss's rather than a sd! I read about these mini wife's and just cringe. Then I see my single dad friends on Facebook who post pics w/ their daughters with titles like, "The most important woman in the world" and "perfect little princess" "daddy's girl" and on and just know they are creating self important egocentric little mini wives. Loving your kids is one thing but enmeshment and co-dependency especially in a single parent situation is extremely unhealthy, especially for the child.

hereiam's picture

Your DH is really no different regarding his son. He just doesn't call him, "daddy's girl" or "princess".

still learning's picture

so true! his "precious widdle boy." After we married it was like I was the one intruding on their relationship. DH and I generally don't have any issues until ss30 breaks up whatever current relationship he's in and then the drama starts again. My current mantra is "Boundaries...Disengage....Boundaries....Disengage."

rainbow bright83's picture

Isn't it funny how our DH seem to always sort of see the light when it's full on blinding us? lol
I sometimes think that this kind of blindness is what kept my DH married to his ex-wife for so long, and it's what keeps him connected to his leach kids.
I never read about how a DH just automatically comes to the realization that their dysfunctional hell spawns are toxic and decide to sever the unhealthy ties. That would only happen in a stepparent's fairy tale story!

My4kidsmom's picture

My SD stopped answering our calls and texts in May on the phone that we paid for. We waited three days and then cancelled her service. She called her dad immediately using BM's phone. It was too late by then. We didn't reinstate it and she didn't speak to us for 6 months. Now she wants to talk but frankly neither one of us are interested in going back down that road at this point. She hasn't changed, she's just trying a new tactic. No thanks.

still learning's picture

Good for not reinstating her service. No rewards for bad behavior. I wish my DH would get this.

still learning's picture

I spoke too soon. SS30 seems to know just when DH has just about had enough.Yesterday the heavens opened and ss30 calls DH. DH is so happy and giddy and tells me that ss30 apologized for being such a turd to him Oh and that ss is coming up because he needs to borrow the truck. Apparently ss needed the truck to move out from mommy's to his aunts. I just couldn't suppress saying, "isn't it convenient that ss30 is sorry when he needs something." then I asked DH to tell me what time ss was coming over (so I could be out) so DH texts him and of course no reply ss just showed up. I stayed on the opposite side of the house while he was here.

Since they are now technically reconciled DH paraded ss30 all through the house showing him the improvements we'd done. After ss30 left I thought it wise to have the boundaries talk again. DH got real pissy and asked if I was done "ragging" on his son. He then apologized and said he just feels like he needs to be protective of ss30.

I told DH that I should have never been in the position to be verbally abused by ss30 or have property stolen. That it was his responsibility to be protective of me, his wife! That I have the right to feel safe and be respected in my own home. My kids have never been nasty to DH because I do not allow it and it would be squelched the second it started.

It's not terrible but it just feels weird to have to remind DH that he needs to be a parent and keep his adult son in line. Two steps forward, one step back.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi OP - I've got a DH that has also started to see the light, and my problem, the Twit, is going on 49 years old!!

It is good that they start, but there is a lot of one step forward, two backward stuff that will really try your patience.

I ended up throwing my DH out of the house and he had to live with Twit for 6 months, during which we did counseling and he started seeing that it wasn't my fault. But even though they see, it is hard for realization to start to set in.

In my case, it has and is taking time, but Twit is ever so slowly setting the nails in her coffin where DH is concerned.

One thing I learned is disengaging. When they have to deal with the problem themselves, it becomes more real to them.

still learning's picture

"disengaging. When they have to deal with the problem themselves, it becomes more real to them." This is true and exactly what my therapist said to me. Thanks for sharing sdm.

What I have learned from this marriage is that DH and are are a team but a limited liability one. I've become much more independent of him and have been investing in myself. I hate to think about divorce but I will be prepared mentally and financially if the day comes. My neighbor across the street recently got divorced due to adult step children interference. It's sad, the woman is in her late 60's and deserves some happiness. Sadly the bitter adult skids would not have any of "their" inheritance going to that woman and purposefully destroyed their relationship. Her DH like many on here did nothing to stop it and chose the kids over her. I guess it's really all about the money and they're just waiting for dear old dad to croak over so they can get at it.

Disgusting, makes me want to live in a cave far away from money hungry beasts.

still learning's picture

It is a huge disservice! They never get to live their own life or really make it in the world. Do we have the same skids?

bijou's picture

After reading these comments, I must share that our neighbor across the street has 3 kids. Two sons, 24 and 22 and one daughter 17. Their oldest son has autism, Aspergers and some other learning thing. He graduated from high school, currently attends college (takes the bus) and writes for the school newspaper. The 22-year old is also in college and the daughter is soon to graduate from high school. They are all respectful and have manners. Their Mom ran a tight ship and expected them all to have chores, go to school and on to college. She kept an eye on their activities. If her kids said they were at a party or friends house, she would go check up on them. she'd drive by the house or party to verify. She wouldn't check every time, but since her kids knew she might, they learned to not consider lying to her. All 3 of her kids get on well with each other and both parents.

bijou's picture

I found this site very refreshing and eye opening on dealing with a hateful step daughter who's now almost 40 years old! I also felt something was wrong with me because I just couldn't understand her rude behavior, wicked mouth and snarky comments when I never did anything to initiate it. I am a good person who encourages my husband to go spend time with his 'kid'. We've been married almost 10 years now and only in the last couple years did I start to realize just how hateful the SD can be. I began paying more attention to her behavior, comments to me and just how she talked to people in general. What I found that SD talks better to total strangers than me. My asking a simple question or making a comment on something got nothing but snarky remarks or put downs. I don't even like her anymore. I leave the room when she comes over and I stopped going with my husband to her house. On her birthday this year, I did nothing. No reminders to my husband, and she got nothing from me. He remembered and he took her to lunch. I was conveniently 'busy' and unable to go. (The SD did not acknowledge my birthday at all this year.)

My husband comes from a large family who live in another state. Both he and SD have visited them almost every year. For work reasons I was only able to travel to visit relatives twice in 10 years.) However, I don't know if I even want to go visit his relatives again. I fear SD has used her wicked mouth to poison them on me. After all, she grew up going there every year and I'm the California wife. The SD is not above using emotional blackmail on her father either. She cried when my husband told her we were getting married and threatened to never see him again. But, she did come to the wedding.

Funny thing is, my husband knows what a bitch she can be (he used the word 'bitch' for her and I have NEVER shared with him I think of her this way!) He is just blind to how she treats me. So, I shall continue my staying away from her, leave the room when she comes over and show a general disinterest in her. Because I really don't care to expend any more effort towards her. I also know if anything happens to my husband, I sure as hell be happy to have the SD out of my life!!

On a final note, before I found this website, I was literally driving around today thinking about how to tell my husband I want out. But I now realize what a bitch step daughters can be for most step mothers. Thanks for all your comments above, as they helped me realize that it's not me. It's the hateful SD.

IslandGal's picture

These mini-wives get away with their behaviour mostly because their daddees enable them. However, there comes a time when they are old enough to know how to behave and take responsibility for their own treatment of others.

You are extremely lucky if you get one of those skids who realise, wake up and start to act like decent human beings. Then you get others, who are like a bad seed.. there is no talking to or changing them. Ones like these have gone through years of therapy and counselling, to no avail. They stop going to therapy because they cannot manipulate the therapist. These mini-wives firmly believe that they are the only ones who should have access to their daddees. They don't believe in sharing their daddees and insist on being the only "woman" in his life. Sadly, there is no way to change their minds.

In case you didn't guess.. I have one such SD. She will never, ever willingly share her father. She will never, ever allow him to have a relationship because she wants to be the main female in his life. She disrespected her own grandmother for years and still insisted on wanting to sleep with her daddee, even when she was told she was too old to do that any more.

You cannot deal with a skid with this attitude. Our Counsellor's advice was the best ever. She told us to leave SD with her BM and let them deal. We did.. and it's been fantastic. One day she may come around.. but she's going to have to be genuine and respectful - other than that.. she can stay away.

AVR1962's picture

At 30 years old your husband is still helping his son out???? Why? Where is the logic in this? Why do kids not get that they have to pay their own way in life and why do parents not understand if the kid cannot stand on his own two feet then he (the child) pays the price and learns from the experience. as long as parents keep helping out the child the child never has to be self sufficient.

bijou's picture

AVR1962: you are so right. My oldest brother was handed EVERYTHING growing up. He was given cars, motorcycle, money, expensive clothing and pretty much whatever he wanted. He took no responsibility for any of his actions. It was always somebody else's fault on why he stole from the family, or wrecked his car and motorcycle or got fired or 'let go' from all his jobs. (He stole merchandise or stole from the till!) Amazing he never did time! He joined the Navy (I suspect to keep him from jail when he was 19, although my parents never did explain that one to me.) Anyway, he did 2 years and the Navy kicked him out! He took no responsibility whatsoever for anything he did. He got involved in drugs and also became a raging alcoholic. He used to call me when he was drunk. Or he would call me to ask for money. After a few times of that, I finally told him, 'Don't call me again and ask for money. And don't ever call again when you're drunk.' He didn't either and his calls were reduced to 2 or 3 times a year. Over the years he would visit me, but I was careful to hide my purse and watch him in my house. I didn't trust him and knew he would steal something if he had the slightest chance. On money, I advised him for years and years and years to tuck some money aside. He never did because he spent it as soon as it touched his hand.

And where is he now? He's a broke-ass 57 year old man, in poor health who weighs 350+ pounds, never had a girlfriend, has no family, no job, no car and somehow got on state disability. He lives in low income housing somewhere. Since he's also so poor with his "finances", he can't even afford a cell phone so I haven't even talked to him in 2+ years. (When he last checked his credit score it was 249. A few years ago, a cell phone company told him he'd need a $1,800 deposit before they'd initiate service! He has no credit because he never paid his bills! He'd use the cards but never paid them off. Or he'd open a checking account and write more checks than he had money to cover!) He is a product of parents who indulged him.

On the flip side, I was not indulged. My mother favored boys and being a girl, I was pretty much her personal slave. Starting at about 6 years old I was up at 5:30am to make coffee, make sandwiches for lunches, iron my brothers clothes or find his lost shoes. After school, sometimes I played outside but mostly had to stay in the house. My mother didn't think it was right for girls to be out after dark! So I had to do laundry, cook dinner, wash dishes and clean up. (I could cut up a whole chicken when I was 8 years old.) Occasionally, my brother would be 'punished' by having to do the dishes. Punished? I did it all the time! It was hard. It was very hard. But I learned to take care of myself. After graduating high school, I took the bus 20 miles each day to college. (My brother was allowed to drive the family car, but I was not. My mother actually got upset with him one day after he drove me to college during a rain storm!) Sometimes I had to take the bus late at night. Despite it all, I got my degree and got a good paying job. Now, I am retired at 55 years old with a full pension. My credit score is over 800, I am married to a good man (who has a difficult daughter), I live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood. I've worked hard my entire life for EVERYTHING I have.

AVR1962's picture

Bijou, while you mother did no justice by raising her children the way she did, you at least turned out to be responsibility unlike your brother and you can be thankful for that. I have know many families where the boys were not expected to do anything and infact were doted on by their mothers and sisters. These men expect the same treatment from their wives when they marry and that is not a fun position to be in for the wife.