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Excuses, exuses

Toastergirl's picture

I have an 8yr old SD. DH and hex divorced when she was 1 and a half.
My DH CONSTANTLY makes excuses for SD. I honestly don't even think he realizes he does it-it's like a reflex. This past summer DH would let her eat whatever she wanted. Before we were married he actually wouldn't "cook" her dinner. She would just say she was hungry, he would ask her what she wanted to eat and would make her Mac and cheese. Or a hot dog. Sometimes steak, which he would cut up for her. Often she would say "ice cream" and he would say "ok". There were several Saturdays where all she ate was ice cream cones and chips. She would reach into the freezer, and just pull them out. Eventually I would cut her off, and she would get upset, screaming, "What am I supposed to eat?!?"
When I confronted my DH he immediately was defensive, stating she loves mac and cheese, and steak is perfectly fine To eat. That was the first thing I changed- meals. Until I started planning meals I never once saw him serve her a vegetable. I actually was able to get through to him not letting SD choose what to eat. The final straw was when I woke up one morning and saw him about to start scrambling eggs, with SD opening a bag of chips and telling him "I changed my mind, I don't want eggs." My DH responded with, "Okay". I looked at him with shock and horror when he told me, "Well she already had the bag open so I didn't want to say no."
During the summer he would let her stay up until 1-2-3am. "It's her vacation, she's allowed to have fun."
A couple months ago I typed up a list of rules for our house and emailed them to DH. I also forwarded it to SIL and MIL (who have disengaged b/c of SD's attitude and DH's lack of parenting). They are teachers, and said the list was excellent. I brought up several to DH, who responded with, "I don't want rules for the house. I don't want SD to be grounded the entire time she is here."
SD has anger issues and frequently acts out at school. She told DH she hates going. This is what Dh told her: "I know it's tough baby girl. I didn't like school either when I was your age." UM WRONG WRONG WRONG RESPONSE.
SD hit another girl at school who cut in front of her in the lunch line. The girl had her arm in a cast. SD hit her in the arm. DH questioned SD about it, SD said, "I didn't mean to hit her in the arm". Sure kid. Right. OJ didn't mean to kill Nicole either. DH actually bought that excuse, told her not to do it again, and turned to me saying, "Well, she said she didn't mean to hit her in the arm." BS BS BS BS.
I've told DH he needs to sit SD down and have a "come to Jesus meeting" about her attitude and entitlement. How the "real world" works. He made the excuse of, "Yeah, but she will just go back to her moms and her mom will tell her how special she is, so the talk won't do any good."
Hes told me he will buckle down and he's not in denial, blah blah blah.
I frequently call him out "after the fact". He honestly doesn't realize he does it. He's let her do whatever she wanted for 7 years and he falls back into the "child centric" parenting mode several hours later. He also trashed hex for letting SD do whatever she wants and have whatever she wants, YET HE ENABLES IT. Hex sets the standard and DH follows, not wanting to be the "bad guy". Now SD has figured out that she can make excuses for her behavior because DH makes excuses for her. Hex's favorite excuse is, "Well, that's just SD's personality!" I had no idea demanding, entitled and narcissistic were considered admirable personality traits in an 8yr old.

I do not understand this. My parents NEVER made excuses for me. In fact, if anyone ever tried to make an excuse for me, they shut that person down saying I knew better, and BOOM they came down hard. But then, they are still married. How can I ameliorate this before it is "too late"?

I fear it might already be too late...

ChiefGrownup's picture

Have a heart to heart with him. Make sure you approach it as raising children/running a household is OUR problem/challenge because we are the co-pilots. Try to avoid getting his defenses up by using language that sounds like you are a team. Tell him you both have the same goal, for SD to have a happy, stable life as an adult. Tell him childhood is the time for her to learn the skills she needs to cope with life and he won't always be there to protect her from the entire world.

How does your husband learn best? Is he a sports guy? Tell him you need to sit down as a coaching staff and make a playbook for moving the ball down the field (SD reaching stable and happy adulthood).

Is he science guy? Toss him articles about permissive parenting, charts of 8 year old brains and how tiny is their center for abstract thinking (rendering "talks" useless -- she must learn through consequences/actions), etc.

Tell him you want her to have friends and it hurts your heart to see her behave in ways that are certain to isolate her from her peers. (punching injured girls? are you freaking kidding me?!!) You want to teach her social skills and you are certain he would want her to have them cuz he loves her so much.

So on and so forth. If you still have a good relationship with your dh, do your damnedest to stay on the same side of the wall with him, inside the fortress. Convince him of your genuine concern for SD's best interests (it's the truth, isn't it?) and get him to focus on actual outcome based strategies. It will be hard for him to break these long habits. Help him do it and remember he is unlikely to do it all in one day. So praise him to the sky when he gets it right and encourage him to try again when he slips up.

But also be firm, you do not want certain behaviors in your own home and how can he help you achieve that because you have a right to it.

Toastergirl's picture

That's what kills me- If Hex does something similar, OR SIL/MIL/I point out what he's doing is wrong, he agrees and says he doesn't want her to turn out an entitled brat.

Then he turns right back around and enables her.

Teas83's picture

I'm in a very similar situation. My SD is 6 and my husband makes endless excuses for her. I witness something similar in regard to the food every weekend. Nothing is her fault, she's just an innocent child and I'm a mean horrible person who hates her when I point out certain things to my husband.

My SD also hates school and my husband makes excuses for her about that too. He keeps saying, "I didn't do well in school and now I make six figures so it's fine."

I couldn't care less if SD eats properly or does well in school anymore. But what I do care about is how she treats me and our DD. My husband fails miserably in this area as well. He has allowed her to think that I'm mean because I have rules, and she runs back to BM to complain about me all the time.

I don't have any advice but I can definitely commiserate. I've found my husband to be so unattractive lately because of his shitty attitude towards the situation we're in with SD.

Teas83's picture

Sally, I'm aware of that. Right now it's, "She's only 6." Next year it will be, "She's only 7." And it'll go on and on forever. At no point will she ever be held accountable for anything.

Evil stepmonster's picture

Oh Toaster, I feel your pain. If you aren't married, don't get that way.
If you don't want to seperate your self from your BF as a man ok then seperate your self from the daddy who is shit!! When SD is there, eave. Go to a family members house for the weekend, go hang out with your friends, hell get a hotel room in a hotel with a spa and pamper your self. The less you around this girl the bettr off you will be. That's only if you want this relationship any more. If you don't, then leave and let him have his daughter and her shit all to himself. Think about what you really want for your future and your kids future. If you think you can get all you want and be happy with a man who raises a child to be like your SD and an SD who won't be going away then just avoid her.