Step daughter has torn our relationship apart
Hi, My husband left me for another woman 7 years ago and it took me a while to build my confidence back up (still not quite there). I have 3 adult children who have moved out and one 14 year old. She was 7 when her dad left. He has regular contact. I couldn't afford to keep our family home so bought a smaller house in another area, I drove my then 8 year old back to her old school for 18 months before finally moving her to the local high school. This move was difficult for us both, and took a lot of adjusting to.
Five years ago I met a wonderful man, or so I thought. I took my time building a relationship with him, I was very insecure after my break up. He has 2 children now aged 18 and 19 who he said lived with their mum (I found out later that they actually had shared care) he lied about this as he thought I wouldn't go out with him. I tried to get to know them but they were very reserved with me, he said they were shy.
After seeing each other for a year I felt happy, and secure for the first time in years. We were planning to move into together. Out of the blue his ex wife died and his kids moved in with him. This was a devestating time for everyone. I offered for us all to move in together but he didn't want to upset them further so we delayed things for 4 years, until the eldest was at university and the younger one at college. I sold my house but his didn't sell and his daughter continued to live there by herself (her choice)
Ever since we have been living together (9 months now) his kids have been rude to me, not speaking when they visit and constanly going behind my back trying to get money from their dad. My SD rings up rudely demanding things from him, even in the middle of the night. My Partner gives into her and constantly lies to me about things. We have argued so much over her, and had so many times spoilt by the bad atmosphere she creates when she does visit with all my kids, as she won't speak or join in anything. She just waits for me to leave the room to whisper to dad to take her home. I've really tried to get to know her, taken her shopping, on two holidays abroad, asking her to our house for meals. Each time she's here my partner treads on eggshells around her, not wanting to upset her. He just gives her anything she wants.
The final straw for me was on Christmas Eve. All 6 of our kids came here for a meal. My SD arrived and just stood in the corner, refused anything to eat, and just texted her friends, ignoring everyone. I tried to get her to join in some family games but she just shook her head. The atmosphere was terrible. Finally she asked to be taken home. I then learned she'd told her dad (her brother too) that they didn't want to come back for Christmas day. (they were invited to sleep over) this caused a huge row, spoilt the evening for everyone, and ended with my partner packing and walking out on me at 11.30 Christmas eve to spend Christmas with his kids.
Christmas and New year were the worst ever, my two daughters were in tears. I've since had emails from him claiming he's sorry, made a big mistake and telling me I was right about them not really wanting him there apart from to cook, clean and taxi them around. He wants to come home.
The trouble is I've lost all trust in him and the fact he walked out on Christmas eve is proving too much for me to deal with. I'm so upset but I don't know how I can forgive him for spoiling Christmas. I feel totally unimportant to him and as he choosen to be with them that shows his kids he has no respect for me at all. His 19 year old son has said on Facebook how happy he is to have his dad back! Although he is off back to uni this week. I have always felt they have been trying to seperate us, and finally they have.
I have tried speaking to his daughter but she just says she's got 'issues' with her dad that I know nothing about. She has even (surprisingly) emailed me saying she wants her dad to move back here with me as she wants her own 'space' back!
I don't know how we can put this right as he never stands up for me or our relationship to his kids and I don't think this will change.
Any advice would be helpful, thanks.
Wow Faye. I'm so sorry. I
Wow Faye. I'm so sorry. I can definitely understand your resistence in allowing him to come back home especially after the way he left. I don't know that I would ever be able to let him come back.
Maybe you guys could get some counseling before you let him come back.
Stick to your guns.
Stick to your guns. Stilltrying made some excellent points. When he left, he showed you his priority was defintely his children. If you let him move back in, the kids know that all they have to do is start conflict and daddy will run like a rabbit. And the Facebook posting shows a complete lack of respect. Why is dad allowing this? If it's like this now, it's only going to get worse. I'm also curious as to why he wants to live together and not get married. I married my husband in 2008 and moved in with him and SD (25), (I have no children). Not only is his daughter a slob, but the witch is so spiteful that she would would do little things to aggravate me and it got to the point where she would mumble when I spoke to her. I hit the roof and told him to talk to her about her nasty attitude or she'd see mine (not pretty). I didn't give up my single life to live in a war zone with a coddled daddy's girl and life is too short for BS. He talked to her and now the situation is at least tolerable. I speak, go about my business and will chit chat occassionally. Within the next year or so she'll be getting her own place. Bottom line was simple . . I'm wasn't taking her bullshit . .period! And if he would have sided with her, I was leaving. Finally, people only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Love and respect yourself enough that you deserve so much better.
Thank you so much for all
Thank you so much for all your comments. We talked last night for the first time but really just ended up arguing. He's not moving back as I've not agreed to that without counselling. I also told him he needs to sell his house as I feel insecure he has a bolt hole to run back to. He's really hurt me, I am thinking exactly like Shannon 61 is saying about his kids starting a conflict and him running back to them over and over. At least he tells me he understands how I feel and that I was right about what I have been saying about his two being too needy and causing trouble between us, he sees them differently now he's spent almost two weeks living with them. He's admitted to feeling a lot of guilt because their mum died. He thinks by giving them money and not being hard on them he can somehow make up for that. He's scared of losing them so lets them get away with more than they should. His daughter and son have both emailed me today saying sorry for how they have been acting and telling me their dad is really unhappy at the house. He's gone away to think about things. We were engaged a couple of years ago but I gave him the ring back over a year ago, due to all these issues going on.
Things don't change once you
Things don't change once you take the vows. I wish I'd seen how the grown children truly were before my wedding day. I didn't realize my DH would do everything to keep them happy even if it meant blowing everyone off including me. As long as the significant other or husband doesn't come to your defense, it's not a healthy relationship. If you cater to him and let him come back it's lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat. The history won't change..the events might be a little different but always with the same result. I'm heading to 3 years of marriage and hear NoDoormat loud and clear. The children will always be first if your man is lacking balls.
***** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.