How to be a "good" BM
I was thinking about this because, like many of you, I am a stepmother who deals with an angry, mean BM and difficult stepchild. But I am also a BM and have actively pursued having a decent relationship with my ex and his wife. My interest in that area is because I want my kids to be comfortable and happy no matter where they are. Don't BMs realize that this is the only good way to go??
Here are some things I have done/do to maintain a good relationship. (All the kids are adults now and it worked great!)
1. I have always been friendly and respectful towards stepmother and my ex.
2. Once my ex got serious with his girlfriend who was to become my kids' stepmom, I backed off from close contact with his family. That's her territory and family now. I send Christmas cards and that's about it.
3. I speak only well of my ex and his wife in front of the kids, and tell them things like, please tell them hello from me, before they go visiting.
It is not hard and the rewards are so good!
Are there things you have done to be a "good" BM?
I like your username I'm
I like your username
I'm not a bm but wish more people were like you in general.
Im not a BM, but I like how
Im not a BM, but I like how the BM that I deal with is.
We are by no means friends or friendly.
As soon as BM found out I was dating my partner she sought custody of SD4 (then 2) and all exchanges started taking place in a public place. BM has never been to our house and my partner has never been to her house. I like this as its respectful of both our spaces (and we only live around the corner from one another - its a long road)
If we should cross paths with SD4 present then SD4 gets kisses and hugs from which ever parent shes currently not with then we all go on our way.
Communication is so rare between exchanges that I have no issue if BM texts my partner. The majority of communication is by text, but is in no way excessive. BM let my partner know when SD4 was to the dentist, or if she is coming to us with medicines she will drop a text but otherwise theres no contact as everyone sticks to the CO so theres no need to.
Very good for you Second!
Very good for you Second! Are you from the UK? Are you in the UK now or the US? Sounds very ideal!
If only more BM's behaved
If only more BM's behaved this way.
I try to afford as much courtesy as I can with my ex inlaws.
They have visitation, not my ex, he is an alcoholic and left our then 3 y/o son alone in an apartment while he went to get more booze during a weekend visit. Since I found our son alone in his dads apartment he has not seen him.
I email and text with both inlaws, I have spent time at their house with my 4 y/o in Chicago and they have come and picked him up where I live now and kept him for a week to give me a break.
Maybe if his dad gets sober one day he can have the same kind of visitation his parents do.
I'm both a BM and SM, and
I'm both a BM and SM, and yes, a very well behaved BM. XH's GF is surprised, and refers to us as having a "Disney divorce". Despite all the crap that went down between me and XH, we decided that our kids were most important, and so for their sake, we get along. They see friendly exchanges, we never bad mouth, and if there's ever a problem, we deal with it the way parents are supposed to, directly with each other, where the kids don't even know about it. I'm not sure that's best in a married situation, because kids do need to learn about conflict and resolution...but my feeling is when you're divorced...they're living the fact that you had a conflict and ran away from resolution (that sounds harsher than I meant it...but it makes the point) and don't need to see anymore conflict.
Our BM clearly suffers multiple personality disorders. She gets jealous very easily, and makes her negative feelings well known to my step-children. The common result of this is that all the issues are inappropriately placed on me. 'DH was so different before he met me. What happened to him?" blah blah blah. I'm a walking, talking scapegoat for the massive dysfunction in this family. A family therapist has been working with us for 2 years....a family court judge has been overseeing us, and $30,000 has been spent on our end....only to discover...yeah...it's not me.
Nice!
Nice!