Priorities during holidays...
I don't really know where to begin...so I'll start here. I'm currently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years. We're getting married next year. I love him unconditionally and enjoy any time I get to spend with him that doesn't involve watching tv (which is rare). He divorced his ex wife of 7 years in 2012 (she cheated), and we started dating 7 months later in Feb. 2013. He has an 11 year old daughter from that marriage. She's biologically not his, but he adopted her while married to her mother. She's a great kid, very sweet and loving. A little about me: I'm young and never been married. I don't have any kids of my own, nor do I plan on having them anytime soon. I love children so having kids of my own is definitely in my future.
But here's the issue...
I'm feeling out of place. I feel guilty all of the time because I want my fiance to put me first. I don't mean that we have to do everything I want to do, but I just want him to treat me as his "other half" and not just his "plus one" when it comes to making decisions. He has custody of his daughter every other weekend. On the weekends he doesn't have her, he works, so any vacations with just the two of us have to be pre-planned, since it will affect either his time with her or his work schedule. Anyhow, it's the holidays and we all know it's just a stressful time of year altogether. We agreed that the holidays we have SD, we will spend with HIS family. On the holidays we don't have SD, we will spend with MY family.
This week is Thanksgiving, and he has his daughter until Sunday. He's had her since Wednesday and technically this is not "his weekend with her." He made the decision without me to have her this weekend, although he has to work 2 out of the 5 days she's here. I'm a little upset that he did not come to me first before making that decision. It's not like I would have said no. She's always welcome over here. I'm just always the last to know what's going on when it comes to his family. His brother is also here until Sunday, so anytime he's not at work, he will be over at his parents' house spending time with them since they live 3 hours away. His daughter is staying with his parents while he works, so she can have her cousins to play with all day.
He expects us to be with his family the entire time they're down to visit. Which means no alone time at all...and looking back at our entire Thanksgiving holiday, we've spent no quality time together as "husband and wife" making memories of our own. It would be ridiculous to even ask for time alone with him, because his family is together and it's only expected that I am there too. With that being said, I DO want to spend time with his family. But I don't want to feel obligated to spend ALL of my time with them while they're here. I want to spend quality time with my fiance and make memories with him (WITHOUT SD), but I feel so GUILTY for wanting this. Yes, SD is my family. Yes, his family is my family. But when do I get "family" time with just the 2 of us? Is that something I shouldn't expect marrying a man with a child? Marrying a man that is sooo close to his family who have already established these traditions and routines and I'm supposed to just "fit in" where his ex-wife was? (by the way, there's still pictures of his ex-wife and him hanging in his parents' house which always makes me feel uncomfortable).
I've talked to him about this before. I feel like the bad guy every time I bring it up, because I feel like I'm taking him away from his daughter and family. By the end of our discussions, nothing is ever resolved. He only reminds me that his ex wife had him by the balls and he doesn't want me controlling his every move and making decisions for him. Even though all I'm asking for is a date night or even time alone at OUR house every once in a while. Help...
If he thinks running
If he thinks running decisions by you that affect both of you is you being controlling he isn't ready to be in a committed relationship.
Sadly, whether it's to be expected or not, this is what This man expects. He expects family time to include SD. Time for the two of you doesn't seem to be a priority. And while you may feel like the bad guy, you need to ask him straight him out if it is important to him. If he says no, don't expect that to change. If he says yes, then tell him you need him to show you that as well as tell you. If he evades, that's an answer in itself. Then you need to decide if you can live with the way things are now... forever. Cause honestly, you should be looking at getting married in terms of If nothing changed, things didn't get any better than this, would you be happy?
You could try couples therapy, but he doesn't seem to think what he's doing is wrong. You shouldn't have to pay for his ex's actions, but that doesn't mean he's going to behave accordingly.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying...but I failed to mention that we just spent this past weekend up at his brother's house for 3 days. They are back down here visiting 2 days later, so out of my 9 days off for Thanksgiving, it's expected that I spend 7 of those days with his family, even if it means sitting in the living room watching movies that the kids want to watch. And the 2 days they weren't here (Monday and Tuesday), my fiance was working and got home late both days. When we are with his family, he is not spending any time with me (which I don't expect him to!). He's busy catching up with his brother, his sister in law, and nieces. Out of 7 days expected to be spent with his SD and his family...I don't think asking for 1 night alone is pulling him away from his family.
He only reminds me that his
He only reminds me that his ex wife had him by the balls and he doesn't want me controlling his every move and making decisions for him.
I think this is a big issue.^^^^
If he cannot let go of his last relationship and realize that this is a different relationship, with a different person, then maybe he is not ready for another relationship. I know that some of those emotions carry over but it's not fair to you; he needs to deal with them and put them behind him.
I had this same problem with my DH at one time, especially about money (his ex-wife controlled his). If I were you, I would not marry him until he can take his ex out of the equation, you are not her. Wanting to be in on the decision making is not the same as "having him by the balls".
As far as the family thing, I see both sides. His family is visiting and he wants to visit with them but unless the family is staying with the two of you, being with them 24/7 is not absolutely necessary. When my sister comes to town, I don't necessarily see her every single day and night that she is here.
It's a tough balancing act, in-laws and step kids. Good luck.
If the child is staying on
If the child is staying on this Thanksgiving break with her grandparents, then I'm not sure what the big deal is....because what has been happening since Wednesday has really nothing to do with the little girl. There was really no need for your bf to discuss and get your 'permission' for his daughter to come and spend a break with his parents either.
No one is making you babysit, she's staying at the grandparents. No one is making you go over and sit at his parents every second bf is not working, you've been invited along and chosen to go. He doesn't want to stay home and have one evening alone this holiday weekend with you. Don't put that on his kid, his parents or his visiting brother. It's all on bf.
Sure, you can tell him you're unhappy over how this holiday weekend has went. You can also ask that he stay at home with you or have a date night one night between tonight and tomorrow. He may or may not agree to it. It doesn't sound though that spending time alone with you this holiday weekend was ever an intended plan on his part.
I agree with the others that
I agree with the others that it's wrong to expect alone time while his family is visiting. Would it be nice to have some time off alone with him? Sure, but it didn't work out this year.
That all said, I am surprised that he didn't discuss with you his plans for the holidays. It would be good out of courtesy, even if you don't get much of a say.
I think when your SD gets a little older, you may have more time just the two of you. I can't say this for sure, but that's what happened with my DH and SD. He had her most every other weekend in the beginning of the relationship, but as she got into high school, she preferred to spend her weekends with her friends, so DH didn't see her. At one point she tried to demand seeing DH without me around, but DH said she didn't get a say in that, so we didn't see her for a couple months until she got past it.
but he didn't leave his
but he didn't leave his daughter with the OP. While he was working, she was with her grandparents and cousins. Telling him that they both need to share the responsibility of his daughter is a huge mistake. The child has two parents. They are the only ones responsible for her. The guy isn't dumping the kid on the OP. That shared responsibility comment could lead the OP down a dark road.
You'll get the love you want.
You'll get the love you want. You'll get that dream wedding, but you won't get the dream marriage if you don't slow down, get smart, and start examining this relationship. Be discerning and make sure you know what you're doing.
Some wise words.... you should heed them.
Hold off on marrying this
Hold off on marrying this man. Yes you may love him unconditionally but you are not happy with how you are both living. Holidays are stressful, people generally want to spend the holidays with their families, you are both having communication issues and it seems there are alot of underlying small issues that are getting to you as well.
These things need to be sorted out BEFORE you marry, you cannot marry someone and then expect your life dynamic to change, if you are living together before you marry then you are getting your preview of married life.
It is unrealistic to expect some big changes after marrying, yes sure youll have your "honeymoon" period but after that its reality and if you arent happy with that reality then you need to put the breaks on.
You mention that you both started dating 7 months after he'd divorced his first wife, so I have to ask the question how long was he alone for? I dont want to say you are a rebound, because ultimately every person is different. But it might help get some insight as to where his head was at. If he is comparing your behaviour to his exes then that strikes alarm bells, do you sit there and compare his behaviours to your ex boyfriends? No because its not relevant.
If there are photos of ex-wife up n his parents house and its irritating you now, how are you going to feel when you are his wife? These are all things you need to be dealing with. Perhaps your fiance wants you to spend this holiday time with his family in order for you all to get on better and make those new memories as you both as a couple? I dont know, Im not him.
These are all things you need to be talking about, it is not unreasonable for couples to make joint decisions and it shouldnt be about someone else wanting the control.
I imagine it must be a bit more difficult for you with his daughter. Yes the child isnt biologically his but he has adopted her so legally he is her father. I can imagine that must get tough at times if the BM starts playing games. But if you are expected to shut up and fit in then you have to ask does your fiance want to marry YOU or does he just want to be married again?
Firstly, I will tell you,
Firstly, I will tell you, blending has made me despise the Holidays...but it has more to do with my family (parents, siblings etc) putting down the iron fist about visiting while BM simultaneously alienates the kids so we could do so in the first place. It's gotten to the point where DH and I are considering a "Holiday Divorce" where we part ways for the Holidays, cuz frankly, we just don't care about the day enough for it to cause this much grief.
This may not even be about you. Having kids spend time with extended family is important and comes first. He may have done it just because that is the bottom line. So long as the choice for YOU to accompany him was left up to you. If he changed plans, but expected you to comply with the change at the cost to your family, that's not fair. If you had the choice to still go to your family, because of a last minute change, a reasonable family would understand.
That being said, you really need to communicate these feelings with your SO. DH and I discuss everything...and there is no fear whatsoever of actual divorce, and we are on the same page about everything. Be a little patient with him because he's played single daddy for a while, and he's used to things going this way, and may expect you to comply because he's the one with the kid. Being the younger sister with no kids, I was easily strong armed against my will with the "we have kids, life is so much harder for us" card. Your SO needs to learn how to work together with you. A you said, a team, not as a plus one. It's a very serious...make or break the relationship kind of conversation you need to have. You love him unconditionally....but does he return that unrequited love? If he does, you'll easily work this out. If he insists on things going his way, you need to move on and up to better things.