When my MIL was still living, the majority of DH's family events were held at his parents house

My MIL was an older woman, with health issues, and the family dinners as much as she lived to do this, were a ton of work for her.

From the beginning I behaved the way I have been raised, and politely asked if there was anything I could do to help.

What started with "could you take this appetizer to the front room dear" or "if you would set the table that would be great" etc... turned in to me helping MIL from the moment I arrived to helping with the clean up before I left.

I never minded, although sometimes I too found it exhausting, but that was just how I was raised.

It used to amaze me that DH's sister and daughters would sit on their butts and do nothing. They were happy to sit and let me run around like the hired help while they all enjoyed themselves. Whatever

When MIL died, FIL immediately turned to me for help with the family events, which he continued to host in his home. I also offered to host some of the events in my home.

Well, DH's sister decided shortly after that this, that SHE would decide when the events would be hosted, where, time and menu. She made it as brutally obvious as she could in the most humiliating ways that my participation, my help, my ideas, my opinions, were not wanted.

She would go so far as to sit there with DH's daughter and the two of them loudly plan the menu for dinner, obviously making a point of excluding me, when only three of us were in the room, just to make me feel uncomfortable and drive the message home I'm assuming, that I was not family, and now that MIL was gone, had no say - not that I cared, this was the best news anyone could have given me LOL

I guess it bugged her that FIL gave me so much responsibility in their family dinners. Of course the only reason why was because I stepped up and offered to help an elderly woman run off her feet, and then my elderly FIL because he asked. I guess DH's sister saw it as me having too much power in HER family events. She wanted to make it clear she was the one in charge and I was nothing more than an (unwanted) visitor in her family home

She also made sure any time I offered to host anything that it was held elsewhere. The one time DH decided we would host Father's Day, DH's sister didn't show - but had taken FIL out for a private FIL's dinner elsewhere the night before. Couldn't stand that fact I would be hosting one of HER family events I suppose

However, when I completely went along with all her new rules, then she turned that around to make me look bad....like flipping out on DH last year and right in front of me, but ignoring me as if I had no say in the matter, TOLD DH it was "his turn" and that he would be hosting her birthday dinner along with YSD's in our home. So in other words, she was telling my husband what would be done in my home!

It has taken me many years to finally understand her behaviour in my opinion stems from the miserable, jealous, unhappy person she has become. A strange sort of mini-wife to DH feeling that I came along and stole her rightful relationship with her brother (not in a sexual way but sometimes I wonder there too!)

I have learned to forgive her and that so helps me to continually move past all her nonsense. It does not mean I would ever want any sort of relationship with her other than simply continuing to act in the most graceful way I can, but it does help me to look at it all these days from somewhat of a distance. I no longer get nearly as upset about her behavior, comments, etc.. seem to go in one ear and out the other.

I feel sad for her really