Apparently I'm not logical...."GUBM and the men who loved them" experts needed!
Looking for thoughts from all of the "GUBM and men who loved them" experts out there....
My husband and I have been together for just over three years. BM has always been a chaotic whirlwind of unhealthiness and drama from: having to contact dh frequently throughout the day and asking him to do husbandly duties (in the beginning of our relationship), lying to dh's family about him paying child support and daycare expenses, telling the children how unsafe and bad we are (PA), denying access to the kids without some begging, writing nasty, horrible messages to him about me, allowing their oldest dd to tell abuse and neglect lies about both households,and so much more...which brings us to now.
We just moved out of state for work purposes...mainly...with her insatiable need for more money and half of his income going to her between daycare and child support, and our want to have the girls for longer periods of time (BM would let us have them 4 nights a month and the first day and half was deflecting BM comments to them about us). BM had agreed to the plan months before we left, we had the papers written up for parenting plan. Of course, in true ill style, BM decides the kids shouldn't see dh and myself at our new residence at all. So, things get ugly - she tells family all of these lies about him not responding to his children when she wont answer the phone or skype, I keep telling dh he should be documenting everything (secretly I am, but want him to do it himself!) and only talking to her through email to give no room for her to be mean verbally...documented....record the conversation!
She has conveniently changed her mind at the end of each month when we are supposed to pay daycare, I ask that PP be documented at least through email. He says it will be fine...then a couple of weeks later, she's nasty again and he's saying, "yeah, you're right, I should have documented...I wont do that again." .....until she is manipulative a couple of weeks later and he says it will be fine again.
Last night I told him that I don't want to be on this roller coaster with him anymore. He can do whatever he wants. I told him last night that as long as we aren't working as a team on this, I would like to step back. He told me that I was being irrational and couldn't believe that I was being so inflexible. She has slandered my character for three years and is dragging us all over the place. He isn't working with me...what else can I do but leave him to it? The documenting and boundaries would eliminate some of the dragging around of emotions, he just doesn't get it...so he can do it alone until he does? I don't know...just looking for thoughts. Thanks in advance for help and kindness.
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Thank you. I just don't think
Thank you. I just don't think it's worth the conflict in our marriage anymore. I have been trying to advocate for his right to his kids, but why would I work harder them him? Him doing it his way will turn out however it turns out...it's his deal.
If you guys arent going to be
If you guys arent going to be on the same page, then just leave it up to him to handle.
Thank you!
Thank you!
I did the same thing in the
I did the same thing in the beginning. I documented everything for him because he wouldn't do it for himself. Now, I just don't care anymore. I have zero contact with her and leave it all up to him. It's been so much better for me. I was always angry about the way she was treating him and the SKids. But now I realize, if he doesn't care how she treats him and HIS kids, why should I let it stress me out. He's a grown man and will only be manipulated if he wants to be.
Now, I'll listen when he vents but I don't offer unwanted advice. He's gotten better about BM and not taking her shit since I've stepped out of it.
Two years ago I blocked her
Two years ago I blocked her number and stopped talking with her because she was blowing up both of our phones. But I've stayed in the background cleaning up the messes she makes of him.
I agree with both tog and
I agree with both tog and zero. There's only so much you can do, so let him find his own way.
Youre right. And i have dealt
Youre right. And i have dealt with all of this from her a lot longer than I would with anyone else because I love him and I want him to have his kids around. But she has bullied me into the ground and I'm almost ready to break. It will have to be his responsibility.
He wants your help until
He wants your help until you're not doing things exactly the way he wants to do them.
Nope. He either appreciates your help and acts as a team or you let him go it alone.
Exactly. I'm the scape goat
Exactly. I'm the scape goat when things go wrong and he takes the sole credit when things go well. I shop and send gifts to his girls and he asks them "did you get the gifts I sent?" I will never be able to combat both be and his self serving attitudes.
I agree with Meerkat. Step up
I agree with Meerkat. Step up and spell it all out for him. I was losing respect for my man because he really didn't know how to handle a crazy bullying bitch. He gets it now and has been doing such a nice job!
He had some major boundary issues that he wasn't handling properly IMO.
1) An ex should not disrupt your life
2) Every business associate you deal with can be dealt with on YOUR terms (exes who share children are business associates)
SO was, unfortunately, brainwashed to think that it's his job to cater to a woman's feeeeeelings, be nice to women, and that if he made sure BM was okay she would LET him have a relationship with his kids. He was so wrong, poor thing! Do unto others... but if they're mean, all bets are off!
All of BM'S toxicity was unnecessary and EASILY solved by boundaries...but SO had to erect those. It took a while to get him to see it, and he did push back at me, but I showed him that I cared about HIM and him keeping his power. I let him know that to me, power is an aphrodisiac and lack of power is a HUGE turn-off. I was ready to walk at any moment.
One thing that really, really helped me show him what she was doing was translating Womanese whenever something happened... I gave him the "inside track" of what goes on in BM's mind. Like when he would give in to something ridiculous or let her overstep her boundaries, I would put on my trashy BM voice and go, "Yeah bitch, I thought so! That's cuz I got yo baby, I can do whateva I want! I'll call yo ass at work...whachu gon do?" LOL That REALLY worked.
Now, she does not call (can't), does not call him at work (knows she might be recorded), email only communication has been written into the CO, she rarely writes now that she realizes the judge will see it, and SO immediately sends me every piece of communication he gets from GUBM so that WE, the team, can talk about it together. He VALUES my opinion now and talks all the time about OUR TEAM.
Persistence pays off...and the way to show your man that you're on the same team is NOT to give up and let him handle it. (And since you mention you're a documenter, you sound like you're probably Type A...you're only going to be able to ignore and shut up for a while and then you'll blow!)
To be on his team, show him the problem (the play book), work with him (practice) and then trust that he'll do it right (game time). Cheer him on and encourage him when he does well. And know that he will mess up! haha Expect it, but have faith in him. Then, after the big game, you go back to the locker room and show him how to be better for the next game. Practice makes perfect. That's being a team player. Oh, and when he slacks, call him "Water Boy"...I've told SO, I only want to play with All-Stars, not the damn water boy.
HE GOT IT!
Lol! Thank you:) We have
Lol! Thank you:) We have talked about being a team. And we are when it comes to my kids, but as stated by another poster here, he only wants to work with me when it's convenient to him. I haven't talked to him since last night and all day. Getting ready to head home from work. Hoping he decides to discuss this.
Good luck, woman!
Good luck, woman!
"It is hard to remain
"It is hard to remain attracted to a man who lets some pathetic loser problem child from his past kick him around like a tin can."
True! And I love your words as usual.