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Getting slapped with reality - SD will always be "first choice"

2Tired4Drama's picture

I tried posting this earlier but it got lost in the ether somewhere. I'll try and keep it simple this time, because I'm too depressed to write the same thing all over again.

Bottom line: My SO and I are approaching a significant milestone "anniversary." Since we are not married, the only date we've got to recognize is the day we met. Which, damn my bad luck, also happens to be SD's birthday. Over the years, especially when SD was still a minor, her birthday took precedence. My SO and I actually went so far as to try and pick another date, six months later, which we could use as our "anniversary" ... but it never stuck. The reality is the holiday time of year is an important part of our story, and it's been hard to shift it to another time.

Now that SD is an adult, she makes plans with her friends to celebrate her birthday - as is expected. She will squeeze some time at her convenience (not always on her birthday day itself - sometimes earlier or later)to come over and get her gifts from us, and have a quick meal. She is usually gone within two-three hours, tops.

Several months ago I asked my SO if we can plan something special this year, on the ACTUAL date of our meeting, since it is a milestone year. He agreed.

Now, I've asked him what time I should make reservations for dinner and he tells me he wants to check with his darling daughter to see what her plans are first.

I am flattened by the range of emotions I'm feeling - angry, depressed, shocked and most of all, upset with myself that I somehow believed that WHEN IT REALLY MATTERS, I will come first in my SO's life. Not so much.

Evil stepmonster's picture

If you never have, you never will. Either accept it for how it is or move on from him. It sounds like yall have been together a long time. You let it become a pattern when she was little and now it's the norm. Not saying this is all your fault, but you did play a hand in it.
Have you told him how you feel?

2Tired4Drama's picture

You are right that I did have a hand in it and did agree to it all these years. I figured it was part of being a reasonable, caring adult and ensuring he wasn't conflicted with his (minor) daughter's birthday. Since she is now an adult and this is a milestone for us, we discussed it months ago and both agreed it was "special" and we needed to do something. But I don't agree that because we never did anything special on this date before, we never should.

AllySkoo's picture

Aw, I'm sorry you're so upset by this! For what it's worth, some people (I'm actually one of them) don't put a lot of importance on "anniversary" dates. Oh sure, I celebrate my wedding anniversary, although even that isn't THAT big a deal. Lol We got married 2 days before DH's birthday - so our anniversary is usually a little thing, and I do a big thing for his birthday. Because, oddly, birthdays ARE important to me.

In fact, I was baffled when my sister got married. One of the 2 dates (the one that worked better for them, in fact) that the place had open happened to be the day before the groom's brother's birthday. They chose NOT to use that date because they didn't want their anniversary "overshadowed" every year by his birthday. My brain still can't quite compute this. Lol

Anyway, it was your last sentence that made me think of this. "When it really matters"... TO ME (and I stress that this is SOLELY my own personal feeling!) the anniversary date isn't really a good metric of "when it really matters". Your OH might feel the same. It's possible that for him "when it really matters" looks a bit different than it does to you.

I hope that, while he knows this is important to you, he just doesn't quite get HOW important. I hope you can tell him, calmly and without judgement, that you NEED him to "put you first" this year, that you need him to celebrate SD's birthday on a different day regardless of her plans. And I hope that he listens, and gives you what you need.

Good luck, and congrats on the milestone! Smile

2Tired4Drama's picture

Ally, you are right about "when it really matters" - I still primarily believe that my SO will be there for me if I truly need him, but do harbor some doubts that if his DD ever competed with my needs, she'd win out. I think this instance is just reinforcing that for me. I guess no matter what, the biological connection will trump any other. Understandable I guess.

kathc's picture

Why not the date of your first date? Why are you so stuck on using the date you met as your "anniversary"?

weekendwidow's picture

One thing that I have learned over the years of being disappointed is that MOST of the time, our DH's and SO's just don't have a clue. They have NO IDEA that what they said or did or didn't say or do was stupid, hurtful or insensitive. Maybe this is the case here?

Speak up, tell him how you feel and how important this is to YOU. If he loves you, and it seems like he does, then it will be important to him, too. Maybe not right away...but he'll get it.

Besides, he went out on a blind date with you on his daughter's birthday years ago - he can go out with you now, too!

2Tired4Drama's picture

Good advice, WW. I know we will have to discuss it later - he knows I am upset. And you are right, it's kind of hurtful to look back and think he went out of his way and planned accordingly, and was available to meet me (a stranger at the time) so long ago on his daughter's birthday, but now it's a different story! :?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Your DH should be the one making the reservations and planning a big romantic night for YOU. Sorry you're going through this.

This is nowhere near the scale of what you're going through, but a little incident just yesterday is along these lines. I got a little Thanksgiving tree. You write things you're thankful for on the leaves and then stick them on. I gave the first leaf to SS who found it fun and I helped him (autistic) ask Dad to do the second leaf. So Dad was pretty excited SS was getting involved in this little activity and played it up. He wrote on his leaf that he was grateful for his two great kids. Sure, fine. But then DH whispers to me that he "doesn't want to upset you know who otherwise he would have included 'great wife.'" Excuuuuuuuuuuse me???????!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to some of the strength I've gotten from ST, I called him out on it. Dang, I was the one who got the tree and taught SS how to use it and did fifty billion other things for HIS children in just the last few days that will make a lifelong impact on both of them but I am to be cut out of this family memory???!!!!

Thankfully I do have a great DH and he realized his mistake and owned it and fixed it after I called him out.

So the moral of the story is come here and vent, yes, but call out your DH right now. Tell him flat out what you have said here about your flood of emotions. Tell him it would make you very happy if he would take charge of some romance for you and show you that your coming into his life was important to him. Tell him it makes you feel like yesterday's shit to be waiting on SD's plans.

If you can't get through to him, I would seriously consider not being available for the anniversary at all if you have to wait around for miss missy to maybe show up maybe not. Take yourself on a celebration of some kind and make it very expensive: you're going to need it to cheer yourself up. At the very least, he may figure it's cheaper to do the planning himself next time.

*****P.S. "You know who" = SD15

2Tired4Drama's picture

A big salute to you Chief, you make some very good points! I have no problem communicating but he often has a problem receiving. He doesn't like to be confronted by his failings and has a hard time fessin' up - usually tries to deflect my emotions by getting all upset himself, playing martyr and walking out of room.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Thanks. You may have to work very hard to make it abut YOUR feelings, not about HIS failings. Good luck.

One other idea is a spinoff of what you tried already. Actually create something on a different date that can be celebrated. Dec 1 is the day we planted this rosebush symbolizing our love so now we celebrate that every year, or something along those lines.

Congratulations on your anniversary, by the way.

2Tired4Drama's picture

My feelings, his failings. I like that and will remember it. Of course, it can sometimes be vice versa, too! (My failings and his feelings!)

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

The anniversary isn't so called your issue ~ it sounds deeper than just the date. Your heartache comes from being second to his daughter. It just ironically falls on her birthday. Like above posted ~ he found time to go out on a blind date in her birthday.

Why is he letting her dictate to plans ~ she's an adult ? I am sure she would much rather spend time with her friends. When she is married off ~ is this still gonna be an issue for him.

I personally believe my relationship should be celebrated not in a specific date but we should be adored ~ appreciated everyday. If we skip over the simple things ~ we are bound for disaster. I celebrate St Patrick's day as my valentines day. Because things are so ridiculously expensive on Valentine's day ~ I chose st Patrick's day.

Set you boundaries up ~ only you dictate how people treat you. You either roll with the punches ~ or speak your mind. I speak maybe too often but I will be heard.

Good luck to you ~

2Tired4Drama's picture

Yes, I wonder what the future holds. What will happen when/if SD gets married ... has a husband and kids of her own? She will start her own traditions, I imagine. And I wonder where her father will fit into all that.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Sadly ~ you and I know that answer ~ he won't fit in her world other than a phone call to say happy birthday !

2Tired4Drama's picture

I understand your perspective but as I've said, we tried alternate observance dates and it just didn't click for us. When we talk about our origins in each other's lives, it's always about "Remember when we met at such and such restaurant? Remember when this or that happened that night?" So our origins just naturally seem to stem from that very long, very lovely first date.

Remember, I'm not asking for a permanent curtailment to celebrating SD's birthday on her actual birthday - all I've asked for is this one time, because it's a milestone, to focus on OUR history as a couple and do something on the actual day. We have never done it before as we've always deferered to what SD wants to do.

So ... using your example of not everyone celebrating on the exact day, then why can't SD celebrate her birthday a day or two later this year, and SO recognize that this one time it's going to be about us?

Pilgrim Soul's picture

You know, i think you are pussyfooting around this issue too much. I am saying this as someone who does not care too much for anniversaries - i have not clue on what day DH and I met, and we routinely forget the wedding anniversary - but since your beloved is challenged in "plan a great romantic surprise" department, why don't you plan something you could both enjoy? He may have other ways of expressing his love, but he seems timid and initiative-unencumbered when it comes to "big dates".

So why don't you buy tickets/plan a trip/organize a get-together and then surprise him with it? He will have to oblige... screw your SD's birthday, she is no longer 5. He can make plans with her around your joint plans.

I do not know that your reading of his wishy-washiness is accurate. Does it mean what you think it means? It might mean that he is not a take-charge kinda guy. Tell him in no uncertain terms what matters to you and make it happen. Don't ask - do!

Onefootout's picture

Yes, as others have posted you have the best defense already, that he went out on a blind date with someone he didn't even know instead of celebrate his young daughters birthday.

Why can't he prioritize you once more mow whew an adult?

Oy! These dads who hide behind their kids.

Give him a chance to redeem himself and if he doesn't, or if he pouts all anniversary night then you'll have a better idea of where he stands.

jennaspace's picture

Sounds like SD usually is packing too much in on her bday anyway. Why not suggest celebrating with her on the wknd.. Fri,Sat or Sun (prob free Sun)? That way dad gets her all to himself (without her friends) and she doesn't feel rushed with either group.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Let this inspire you, 2tired. This morning DH and I realized our anniversary is coming up soon, too. He looked up the date, it's a Tuesday. I squealed in frustration.

DH: Whatsa matter?

Me: Tuesday nights you take the kids!

DH: No problem. I'll just switch days.

Me: Really?

DH: Sure. Really, it's not a problem. In fact, I'll take the day off work, too.

Me: meltymeltymeltymelty

If the anniversary is important to you, let him know and let him rise to the challenge. He can do it. He really can. Some good ideas upthread about how to approach this. Whatever you do, don't let it go and just simmer. One way or another, you can work it out with him.