You are here

Checking in, I have never been more sure

Kat67's picture

I went on my trip, 28 days...I called out of obligation, I truly did not think about the kid or even the dog, god forgive me. I am back, I have 8 months on the lease, 8 years on the motorcycle loan. It is almost intolerable...I truly dislike him, ironically I like the kid more than him now. WTF, how did I get here, how and why am I so freaking torn on what to do...LEAVE my heart says, GO my brain says and here I sit...wishing he'd leave the room so I could just be. I truly just want to BE.

Rags's picture

What does the loan have to do with anything? Marriages end all of the time when there are loans and mortgages involved.

Move on, be happy. Life is too short to limit your happiness over a motorcycle loan or a lease.

Kat67's picture

Well the lease does matter, especially now at the beginning of ski season...there is nothing affordable to rent within 30 miles of the resort. I have been looking just to see what is out there and there is no way he can afford to live alone in the place we rent or any other until winter is over and rent goes down. It is a very seasonal place so winter rentals are expensive and this year with the world cup ski race coming they went even quicker. Also, I need the money from the deposit, I can't just throw my share which ia almost $1000 away which we would lose, it is a clause in the lease. The BF hasn't done anything that would render me leaving him without a place to live with a child, I don't hate them I am just unhappy so yes I do feel a sense of obligation to fulfill my end until at least March when the summer seasonal people he works with will start looking for a place, at least then he could find a roommate. I need money to move so I have to work for a while to save up, this will be an out of state move as I hate where I live too...winter is depressing and crappy for me and I will need to figure out where to go, I am down to 3 choices, get my licenses transferred so I can work and have enough to UHaul my belongings which will be about 1000-1500, I have been researching. The loan is probably the easy part but I refuse to walk away from it, maybe we can sell it or maybe he can just put it in his name but my credit is excellent so I want to make sure I do it the right way, I worked really hard to repair it.

This is simply a case of me being unhappy with this life, although I feel a lot of resentment and dislike him probably because of it I do not wish to hurt him any more than I have to. I simply have to stay for a while to save money and at least I work a ton in the winter so I won't be around that much anyway, thank goodness. I was just having a moment, I am sure many of you understand that, sometimes they are harder to handle than others that pass easily. I am done, in my heart of hearts I know it but I do have some responsibilities to handle first. Maybe it is fear and probably some self loathing, low self esteem and avoidance...all contribute to drinking way too much wine and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for reading, and the input.

stepmomdavis's picture

I can totally sympathize. I hate my husband. I am looking for work and then I am gone. He has been picking fights with me all week. I can't wait to be on my own. The fights are over nothing. Yesterday he yelled at me in a rage after I asked him to repeat something he said to me as he walked away. I could not hear him. When He cane back I asked him to repeat what he said. He was shaking with anger and said to me why am I always trying to get in his business. Why do I need to know everything.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Yes, we all have "moments." Sounds like you have a good, workable plan and an excellent sense of responsibility. Here, I'm toasting you with my mug of hot chocolate and kicking a snow shovel until it breaks into a festive storm of teeny splinters for you. Wink