I think your husband is right. Then agaain, I think grounding for the rest of the year is over the top. I think pulling 3 things that really matter to her (cell phone, formal.....) would have more of an impact.

This rest of the year thing with exceptions for things/events that are REALLY important to you, sends the wrong message.

While I think your husband is right about her missing the dance, I think he's wrong for trying to make you exclude her father from the decision.

I gotta go with StepDad on this one. She was boinking her BF at his house when she was supposed to be somewhere else. Grounded is grouded. She does not go to the dance.

Foregoing the dance may just make the connection she needs in the broken circuit she has in her judgement at the moment. I applaud you and StepDad for applying an actual consequence rather than just the touchy feely lose you phone and internet for a a week bullshit and comming up with some bullshit consequence that is no consequence at all, makes no impression, teaches no lesson, and gets no result.

When I was grounded it was usually for a notable amount of time. For grades I would be grounded until the next progress report or report card came home. 6ish weeks as I recall. For behavioral crap it was usually a minimum of a month or two. I never repeated the infringing behavior once I was released from being grounded.

We used a similar philosophy for the Skid. When he was punished it was for a number of weeks. One consequence that you may want to try is sentences. If she is grounded have her write countless thousands of sentences.

"I will not sneek off to have sex with my boyfriend and sleep at his house when I have told my parents I am staying with XYZLMNOP." 10,000 times in perfect handwriting at a quota of 200/hr. }:) }:) }:) If she misses an hour's quota or has one messy sentence she starts over. She will hate that. }:) When she is not at school or studying she is writing sentences. No watching TV with the family, no nothing but sentences. If everyone goes out to dinner, sure she can go as part of the family, but as soon as she walks through the door from dinner ... sentences.

My Skid wrote countless thousands of sentences from age ~8 to about ~14ish. We probably should have kept it going until he actually graduated from high school. We may have avoided the struggles he had in 10th grade and his Sr. year. To this day he cringes when the family jokingly discusses sentences. He laughs about them now though. And .. he is incapable of writing in messy hand writing. The kid has beautiful handwriting to the point that his boss has him fill out all of the forms and hand written logs that his USAF shop has to fill out. Gotcha kid!! For the rest of you life you will know that your mom and dad cared and held you accountable for your behavior. Every Christmas card you fill out, every love note you write, when you read your own handwriting you will know. Ha!!!!!

Doing what they should do earns trust which is its own reward. When trust is lost the only thing to do is explain that regaining trust takes far longer than it took to build it initially and brings completely unpleasant consequences. Bring the pain mom. Stick with the grounding. No kid ever suffered an unrecoverable emotional or developmental trauma from missing a dance. Your DD won't either. Because the dance is important to her she should be held to the punishment and not be able go.

IMHO of course.

Grounded is grounded. Give in for this occassion and next time giving in will be expected

the whole point of grounding is to punish her. kids who are grounded are grounded, no exceptions.

you cave on this, you lose all credibility and she will know she can do whatever she wants.

I'm with the "grounded is grounded" crowd. Of course, that may be because of my own situation where DH is always wanting to "show mercy" and make exceptions, and I've watched this only backfire in his face (i.e., she never really changes, and does the same crap over and over again).

Here is my thing with what your daughter did.

1) First and foremost, she lied! That in my book is a big issue! These teens see it as no big deal, but they have no idea what the implications are for lying. If they can lie about something little, they can lie about something big. It breaks trust, which is a required foundation of ANY relationship...parent/child, between spouses, friends, etc. If you can't trust, you have a relationship breakdown.

2) What she lied about...she lied to spend the night with her boyfriend!!! Here is why #2 is so important, as well. As a parent, I would have to wonder..."Is she really going to stay at the dance? Or, is she going to sneak off with the boyfriend for another boink-fest?" Yes, I put it bluntly...because there is no other reason for her to have gone to spend the night with the boyfriend outside of having sex!

That is my two cents! No formal!

You could give her a choice- if she goes to the dance, she gets the one time pass for it but the grounding through the year stays in effect. If she foregoes the dance, the grounding sentence will be lifted the day after the dance. So she can go to the dance but miss all potential holiday fun and activities, or she can miss the dnce but have her potential holiday fun times back. Seems to me if she picks her own poison the connection to actions and consequences will be stronger.

I agree with everyone saying not to let her go to the dance. You have to stick to your guns and follow the consequence of being grounded through to the end. I don't think 6 weeks is an unreasonable amount of time to be grounded for something so serious either. I was grounded for that long for a lot less serious things as a teenager and I'm a better person for it.

This is a decision her parents should make together. Her BIO parents.

Yep. No formal. I wouldn't change the grounding at this point either - you've already said it, stick to it. Your DH is being silly about getting mad that BioDad is being consulted. Sure, StepDad can have a say, but BioDad can have one too. You, as Mom and custodial, get final say.

Not sure if you know my story, but my SD17 also lied about spending the night at a friend's house so she could sleep with her boyfriend (an abusive asshole, by the way). She's expecting his baby in a couple months now. It's all an utter disaster. Teens just have no idea. They really don't. Playing house kinda look like fun, so they play with fire thinking the consequences aren't really that bad anyway. Which means it's YOUR job to give her some real consequences to think of - like missing the formal dance and 6 weeks of no phone and no friends. Be strong Mamma! I know you feel guilty and want her to experience the fun stuff, but trust me - it is MUCH more important in the long run that she's safe and her future is protected.

Screw the dance since she screwed her BoyF. Where were HIS parents and why did they allow a girl to spend the night?!?!

No dance, by no means! This will have a great impact....
Pregnancy test.
Volunteer at soup kitchen (posted above), great idea.
Another pregnancy test
LOCK DOWN

I always want to ground SD13 for a month and actually got 10 days out of DH this past summer. One time he grounded her on a Monday and she was "free" by Friday.

You cave and they push it further the next time. You WILL survive the guilt.

LOCK HER ASS DOWN, how stupid of her to try something THAT bad!

~ Moon

I'm with your DH on this one because of WHY she's grounded. That's a serious offense. If she was grounded for being late for curfew or for getting a speeding ticket, not as serious imho and I'd grant her the pass for her formal in that case. But sleeping with the boyfriend? No way. And where the hell were his parents???

I spent much of my teen years grounded. Couldn't/wouldn't keep curfew. Drove my parents NUTS. Didn't make a bit of difference to me UNTIL I missed special events. Dances, concerts, etc.

I'm with the others -- no exceptions for the formal. She messed up and she pays the price. And don't back down on the length of the grounding either. You need to be a tough parent right now.

im honestly shocked that this is even a discussion....