Full Time Mom to SS with Not Nice BM
I have been dealing with this situation for 7 years now and I am obviously not doing something right because I still dont have peace.
My DH has had custody of his 9 year old son for the past 6 years. They have been apart of my life for 8 years. My DH travels all over the country for work which leaves me to be the sole provider to the child. The BM has been inconsistent for many years and only picks up on holidays and SS birthday, if then. DH has a standard order. We have the means to go back to court but do not want to waste the time or money being we have two other young children as well. I honestly dont think going back to court will fix anything anyway. You can't force someone to be a parent. The problem I have is lack of Respect. I know what the situation looks like. I know it is not common for the step parent to have full responsibility regarding the step child. Everyone tells me to keep her out of the picture and ignore her but that is my stepsons mother. Yes, every time we do let her know what is going on with him...school grades, doc appointments, football games, etc., she always seems to find a way to somehow criticize my husband ( for having a job that he travels alot). I have always tried to sympathize with her and disregard the order to where if she wants to pick him up she can but she never makes the effort. She doesnt even call him because she has to dial my number. I have tried to communicate with her but she never attempts to show me respect. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to pretend as if she doesnt exist because she will eventually pop back into his life but she doesn't try to see things from my perspective . What do I do?
Just to make sure I
Just to make sure I understand, your problem is with BM and how she treats you. It's not with SS himself?
In that case, I'd say it's a pretty easy solution - YOU don't deal with BM. EVER. Your DH handles all communication. Pick ups and drop offs on the rare occasion she exercises her visitation are done at a neutral location, and if your DH is away and you have to do transport, you don't get out of the car - let SS come to you.
You don't have to "pretend she doesn't exist", you just have to realize that there is never any reason that you should have to talk to her. That's your DH's job.
DH chooses to pretend as if
DH chooses to pretend as if she doesn't exist because all she does is talk crap to him when they do communicate. If it was left up to him she would know nothing about her child. I try to keep the lines open because I feel like i'm doing what is ultimately best for my ss. I fear he will have "mommy issues" when he grows up...he has already been in and out of therapy.
I battled with this myself.
I battled with this myself. DH and BM cannot communicate at all. If she gets on the phone with him it's nothing but screaming. I thought I was doing the right thing, and it was fine with BM as long as it benefited her. You said it in your OP, You cannot force her to be a parent. Stop communicating with her and make DH do it. IF BM refuses to communicate with DH, that's on them. It may be easier for them to do it through email or text.
You are right! If BM can't
You are right! If BM can't respect me then I WILL eliminate communication. I deserve to be respected!
If she wants to be bitch,
If she wants to be bitch, she's going to be a bitch. Nothing you ever do is going to change that. Hell, you're taking care of her son, she should be respectful. But you're not dealing with a nice normal person. You don't have to pretend she doesn't exist. If SS wants to talk to her, dial the number and give him the phone. If she refuses to call because it's your number, so be it. Nothing you can do to change it.
Eventually, SS will see who has been there, putting his needs first and he's lucky to have a SM who does care the way you do. Sadly, there's nothing you can do about BM's attitude. Even a court can't order her to not be a bitch.
That makes all the sense in
That makes all the sense in the world....I just have a hard time accepting it.
^^^^THIS^^^^^
^^^^THIS^^^^^
Trust me, it's easier said
Trust me, it's easier said then done....but I guess I better try harder!
Even if DH refuses to
Even if DH refuses to communicate with her? If I don't who will? Example: ss was very sick recently and I let her know. DH did not plan on telling her anything but i'm a mom and I would want to know what is going on with my child period so I let her know. Yes I received backlash but I did what I felt was right. I know BM and I are different but I treat her the way I would want to be treated....always have. So am I just going to have to come to grips with neither DH or myself communicating with her?
Yes.. I know you feel like
Yes.. I know you feel like you are doing the right thing and in some cases it is the right thing. My DH and BM can't communicate at all so I was doing it for them. Bad Idea. You must disengage from BM and just focus on the child. I stopped communicating, responding to BM a while ago and my life has been so much more peaceful since. With that being said.. I have less documenting to do and more time to spend with the kids, instead of being angry b/c BM didn't care.
Ok, I really am going to work
Ok, I really am going to work towards this advice and hope for the best!
Yes! Thank you, I do worry
Yes! Thank you, I do worry about there relationship because I don't want him growing up with "mommy issues" but I can't control that!
Thank you so much! I am
Thank you so much! I am really going to take this advice!
Where does she get off
Where does she get off disrespecting the woman raising her son? You are being very nice trying to keep her informed and giving her opportunities to see her son. Obviously, she has no interest. Like others have said, dh should keep her informed through email. There is no need for you to communicate with her at all. I just can't imagine abandoning my child and leaving them for another woman to raise. Just can't comprehend how someone could do that.
I agree...and honestly the
I agree...and honestly the ONLY reason I continue to keep her in the loop is because if my kids were not with me for whatever reason I would want the other parent, sm, or whomever to keep me in the loop. I wouldn't have to want to be confined to a court document. She is suppose to get him per a standard order. The last time she exercised that is august and the time before that I can't even remember. She claims its because she moved 2hrs away but when DH asked if she wants to change the order to something more convenient for her, she says no. So what does that mean?
It means that she dosent want
It means that she dosent want to be held accountable and she wants complete freedom to come and go as she pleases. She is selfish and narcissistic. She dosent care for her own son. I have a BM exactly like that. Its hard for people like us to even comprehend how a mother can act like this to her own flesh and blood...but they are out there I sad to say!!
Thank you!
Thank you!
I respect the BM because the
I respect the BM because the BM respects me. We have spoken to one another once, we do not communicate. She made it clear she had no intention of discussing SD with me and I told her I had no desire to hear it. All communication goes between BM and my partner. At the end of the day HE is the one that had a child with her not you, HE is the one that has a responsibility to communicate with her, not you.
BM doesnt invade my space, I dont invade her. It works for us. The communication between BM and my partner is good but not excessive. BM will drop a text to let my partner know "SD has been to the dentist, she had this done" or "SD has been to the drs so she'll be coming to you with meds" outside of that theres nothing.
I get that you want to keep her informed but if you have been doing so for so long and its not working then stop flogging a dead horse. You are doing a great job, but you are also doing more than YOUR job. Your responsibility is to your family, your household. It is not to keep BM informed. Your partner can always drop BM an email if theres something you feel she should know. If you have been communicating regularly try to scale it down, your stepson is older now, its of this age he can communicate with his mum himsef. So drop the communication to once a week, then 10 days, 2 weeks, then once a month.
Only time you should be communicating directly with BM is if theres an emergency