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How I'm handling holiday gift for SD

2Tired4Drama's picture

I decided to quietly disengage all this year from anything actively involving SD. Unfortunately, she invited herself to my birthday dinner but I must say that it was relatively pleasant and was surprised she did give me a nice gift (although it was the wrong size and had to be returned). Of course, being a cynic, I believe her actions relative to my birthday had more to do with buttering up her father since her own birthday and the holidays are coming up. She has her eye on an expensive new car which was her sole topic at my birthday dinner and said she wants his "help" with purchasing it; meaning, not just his advice but an expectation of some cash for it, too. She makes a very good income herself but my SO has already said he was planning to give her significant money for it. Classic Disney Dad behavior.

So. Anything I would give her would pale in comparison and quite frankly, I'm emotionally tapped out and don't really give a damn anymore. But because she's never been overtly hostile I can't just ignore her and have to get something to put under the tree.

For what it's worth to those of you who may be in similar circumstances, I've gotten a small, quality gift which will have a department store gift card tucked into it. That way, she has a gift to unwrap and she can go out and get whatever she wants with the card. Done! This way, I'm focusing my efforts and emotions on gifts for my family and friends instead of racking my brains over giving SD something she will "approve" of but will probably never see the light of day again after she opens it.

Now the next problem is when my SO starts whining about needing help to get stuff for her. I'm going to tell him I'm sure he'll do fine with whatever he gets her... but I will NOT offer to assist!

2Tired4Drama's picture

That sounds like a good idea, but when I was at her apartment she had a large framed photo of herself as an infant with her two parents holding her. I am quite sure BM gave it to her and doubt she would display a photo of the two of us. So it would just be a waste of money - but I do agree it would be a nice "thump" at her if wanted to do it! :=)

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Kudos to you. That is a very nice way to do it.

Me, the Twit gets nothing from me. I disengaged last year, kept reminding DH that he needed to get something for Twit, he didn't. At Christmas DH looked at me and asked where Twit's present was. I replied that he was suppose to get it for her - this was right in front of her. She got nothing. Did I feel bad? Nope. Twit gave me a 4" Goodwill store plastic plate with an eagle on it...garbage and I don't know what the heck I was suppose to do with it. But, she wrapped it beautifully..one would think she was giving me jewels from Harry Winston from the way the box looked. It was the annual Twit gotcha at me. Except this year she was the one that didn't get anything. Not my problem.

2Tired4Drama's picture

How insulting. And I suppose your DH has nothing to say when this kind of "gift" is given. If you want to be ready this year, find or get an empty box from an expensive jeweler. Then get a cheap piece of costume jewelry, perhaps even used - something you find at a garage sale. Wrap it up beautifully and keep it hidden on the side somewhere. When your DH asks where her gift is, you can bring it out at the last minute. When your SD opens it, smile graciously and explain that you have discovered (from the gifts she gives you) that it is the thought, not the gift itself, that counts so you've followed her example and hope she enjoys it!

Freshstart's picture

Over the last 5 year i have given from the bottom of my heart, clothes and jewels that I would have loved and had every kind and decent intention in the world.

Not sure when any of that stuff now belongs but I feel it is probably in the universe of sadness and bitterness and not in the world of love.

Keep being a good person.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Yes, Fresh, isn't it sad to think of all the time, energy and effort ... all for nothing? I have done the same - fine clothes and other quality things given as thoughtful gifts that we never ever saw again. I am quite certain that most of it was given a negative critique by BM once the skids brought the gifts home, and then wound up being sold by her on e-bay or else given away. Anything to keep her passive aggressive alienation ongoing ...

intrinsicmemory's picture

Ew... My father never got my siblings anything after they left his house. Mom was responsible for giving gifts to her adult children.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I disengaged this past summer before each of the SDs birthdays. I did ZERO for each of their birthdays and DH pulled some stuff together at the last minute. In all the years before, I would wrap presents at Christmas and for birthdays individually so they had a mountain of things to open. I bought the stocking stuffers and everything.

It's going to be a Charlie Brown Christmas this year for SD19 (mini-wife) and SD13 (wants to be a boy acts 7 and needs a diaper). I will lavish gifts upon DH if I so chose, but that is the extent of it.

Ho ho ho!

~ Moon

2Tired4Drama's picture

Yes, I know the "mountain" of gift syndrome and I went along with that for years when the skids were younger. No more. And are you kidding ... a 13 year old who wears a diaper? Is it because of a medical condition?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

She doesn't really wear a diaper, but she is a very late bloomer, is immature and acts like a big BABY to be cute, Ugh. LOL

vbs3614's picture

I wish I could stop feeling so angry all the time at my two adult stepkids (32 and 33). We never hear from the 33 year old son anymore and the only time we hear from the 32 year old daughter is when she wants something. This last week, my husband has gotten two emails from her outlining what she and her two children would like for Christmas. Of course there was no mention of what her father or little sister would like. I am the one that always goes out and buys every gift and never get a thank you from any of them. I have even witnessed one grandson throw the toy his parents said he wanted on the ground and say "this thing sucks" and the other grandson say in a whiny voice "why do she get more then me?" I find it all very crass and ungrateful! I have tried to teach my children to always be grateful and say thank you to the giver for anything they receive! The things that she has asked for are a little out of the price range that I would normally spend on them but her father doesn't seem to think it is so bad. We don't have a lot of extra money and I try to buy quality gifts. But I am feeling like I don't even want to buy any of them anything! Last Christmas, we hosted his entire family - parents, sibs, children and grandchildren were all invited and we (I) cooked a huge meal and decorated the house and got gifts for everyone. Stepson and Stepdaughter both declined the invitation. Then on the day of, she shows up out of the blue with her two children. Because they weren't expected, no one brought gifts for them! We scrambled and I managed to have gift cards that I was able to give them. They gave me nothing, her father nothing and a sweater for our daughter that was for a teenager, not a five year old (it was probably re-gifted).
There was also a huge blowout at my husbands birthday where I invited the mother of the grandkids who was no longer with step son. There was an email from stepdaughter saying that they were so mad because they felt that they were second in dad's life now that he had something new and improved in his life (meaning me and our child).
I have since pretty much disengaged. I don't go see them anymore and I am polite when I see them but not much more.
Whew! I guess I needed to vent a little! Smile
I think I am going to tell my husband that he can be responsible for buying their gifts this year and I will buy for my nieces and nephews (who are AWESOME).

sandye21's picture

"I think I am going to tell my husband that he can be responsible for buying their gifts this year and I will buy for my nieces and nephews (who are AWESOME)." Please do this. Obviously they don't appreciate what you give to them, and they don't feel obligated to reciprocate. I rarely received anything from my SD either. It was very liberating to tell DH he could buy for his family (including SD), and I would buy for mine. One more anxiety gone - and very well worth it.

TwirlMS's picture

We always get her something that will encourage her independence.

Last year we got her a printer and internet service for one year because she always used that as an excuse to come over to use ours.
Part of her gift this year will be next years internet service.

She also got triple A roadside service so she won't be calling her dad at all hours to come rescue her when her car won't start.

We got her other tools for her house in past years, to encourage her to fix things herself at her house.

2Tired4Drama's picture

I know, I get the same idea ... that skids really don't much care whether I get them something or not. So I will only get the gift card as a courtesy thing. From now on I'm going to spend no more consideration on gift-giving than I would for a relative stranger I needed to bring a gift for. Not much thought given to meaningfulness, because that's a dead-end effort, but also not anything used or cheap.