I never anticipated that having adult stepchildren could be such an issue. However, two years into my marriage, my husband and I found out that his 27-year-old son was an alcoholic. He always had troubles with anxiety and did binge drinking in college, from what I knew. The problem became obvious after he had a break-up this past summer. His drinking got out of control to the point that this young man lost his job, was evicted from his apartment, got two DWI's, smashed the car his mother and stepfather co-signed for him. He was literally homeless for a few weeks.
His father and stepfather paid for the first month's rent for a new apartment and my stepson got another girlfriend and went off the wagon after having a fight on Christmas Eve. Come to find out, he has only been going to court-mandated classes and not AA meetings or any type of counselor. My husband keeps making excuses for his son, saying that it's depression and that his son is sick.
I know I have thought too harshly about him and have come to understand to alcoholism is a disease that affects the brain and one's reasoning ability. My frustration is that both fathers, try to rescue him. His mother won't talk to him and I have little contact with him.
I have told my husband that I don't know if I can take a life sentence of dealing with his alcoholic child. I keep asking myself--Do I stay? Or do I go? I understand that my husband can't do much to help his son unless his son wants the help. But it was awful to have to watch my stepson's life go down the tubes this summer and I'm afraid that he's going to self-destruct after another unhealthy relationship goes bust. When that happens, my husband is raked through the coals and our marriage suffers.
Have you guys tried al-Anon
Have you guys tried al-Anon classes? They are designed for family members of Alcoholics. It teaches you how to cope and what to do. You may not agree with everything; but it might just be refreshing to know you aren't alone.
I can only imagine how your DH feels. It has got to be devestating news that your child has an addiction. I know you don't want the extra stress, but talk it over with your DH. Find out how he feels, how he is planning to cope. Try to help out your SS, but if that doesn't work then tough love may be in order. I lived with an alcoholic stepdad and a drug addicted ex and it isn't fun. Good Luck to you.
All three other parents, my
All three other parents, my husband, stepson's mother, and stepson's stepfather, have all tried to help my stepson, but their attempts have not been successful. The court did take my stepson's license away for 90 days and required him to go to DWI classes. I am not sure what is covered in those classes and wonder how this young man is supposed to get better with just the class and no AA meetings.
When stepson was desperate, living homeless, he told his parents he would get help and go to AA meetings. None of that has happened. Instead, he found another girlfriend, another crutch. When the relationship ends (and I'm convinced that it won't last), my stepson will go back to drinking and binging. Last time, he was evicted from an apartment, crashed his new/used car that his parents co-signed, and hasn't paid any of his credit card debt. He hasn't lifted a finger to get credit counseling or find another job. Hubby says that his son is depressed and tries to protect his boy, which I can understand. But I do think that hubby has blinders on to other substance abuse that has gone on.
Al-Anon is a great idea.
Al-Anon is a great idea. Maybe a little marriage counseling to help you identify strategies that allow you to support eachother and act as a team when your stepson's problems seem overwhelming.
We tried Al-Anon and my
We tried Al-Anon and my husband didn't like the "God" talk. I would go again to give it time. I am trying to find another marriage and family counselor. The last one didn't help much or we just didn't get the concepts. I like what you said, Constantly_Guilty. "...to help identify strategies that support each other and help us act as a team." I haven't been successful with approaching my husband and he only gets defensive when I say that he's enabling his son. I have to change my approach but need help and support with doing it.
The way it was explained to
The way it was explained to me, the "God" talk was "the God of our understanding". That can be a tree, if you want. Maybe try again?
I spent time at both AA (I abused alcohol in my younger days...I got over it) and Al-anon (ex was/is a drunk). They both really help. You may even consider some open AA meetings. It will give you a very interesting perspective.
Good luck, there's a lot of
Good luck, there's a lot of good language out there that you can use to help your husband understand that your reactions and responses to your SS's alcoholism actually come from a place of concern and caring rather than a place of attack. But he probably needs to hear these from a marriage counselor first before he can turn off his defense mechanism when he hears them from you.