DH Is Very Grumpy Every Time Twit Calls
Well, first thing we did after DH's last encounter with Twit, the one where she told him that I owe her an apology, is change our cell phone numbers. Yep, and we have agreed not to give them out to her or to Twit's husband (just in case).
So, for about 2 weeks it was peaceful, no calls, no tantrums, delightful. Then she started again....calling. Now, in DH's defense, he is not taking her calls, he lets them go to the answering machine and then deletes them. Sometimes we hear her, sometimes not depending if we are around. Oh, she is very upset that she tried to call his cell phone and can't get ahold of him.
There are times she leaves a message, and as time goes on you can tell she is getting more and more perturbed, and other times when it goes to message, just hangs up.
Okay, the problem is that after DH hears or sees a message from Twit he gets real grumpy, I mean real grumpy. Like stay out of his way grumpy. I have said absolutely nothing about the Twit to him. He is like this for hours and, folks, it isn't fun.
I would like to broach the matter but it is a dual edge sword as I see it....bring up Twit or bring up his being grumpy.
Any help in what is going on with him and how to deal with it?
Skeeter - She doesn't have
Skeeter - She doesn't have his cell number, she is calling on our land line. At this time, for business purposes, we really don't want to change the number. Grrrr.
She leaves messages on the land line about how she can't get to him on his cell. This Twit don't quit.
I am wondering if it is
I am wondering if it is because he is dealing with the fact that Twit has, as he has put it, problems....a rather nice way of saying she is crazy.
I mean he really has been seeing how she really is in the last year and I am certain that, though he sees it, though he has had counseling etc., there is only so much a person "digests" at one time.
The good thing is that he is not calling her back, or listening to the messages she leaves, he just deletes them.....and I let him do that.
I would imagine, and I may be wrong on this, that when this Twit stuff finally comes to its end, DH and I will have to sit down and discuss just how we are going to deal with her as a team. He is getting older and is not as quick at times mentally. And, as someone noted on an earlier thread, what Twit pulls is close to senior abuse on him, and on me.
It is just that his grumpiness is a downer, especially since sometimes I am not aware that it is because he heard a Twit message, or deleted one. The last few times he grumped at me I suggested he go out and rake leaves. I foresee we are going to have the most leaf-free yard in town for who knows how long.
Great idea and I would have
Great idea and I would have done so, but our phone is used for business purposes. Thus we need to be able to hear it, get messages, etc.
Already solved the Twit problem on the cell phones by changing the numbers.
Annith - He is not actively
Annith - He is not actively taking it out on me. He is just grumpy. Peeved at something. I know it is Twit.
Last year at Thanksgiving, she invited us down (I didn't want to go but DH did and I gave in) and before dinner was even done jumped up and announced she was going shopping to get the deals. I was still eating and dessert hadn't even been gotten to. I think my jaw hit the table, I know DH's did.
Off she and her "babies" went to get drunkie a big screen t.v., leaving us alone with her husband who was obviously embarrassed at what she was doing. We stayed and finished dinner with Twit's hubby, who is a nice guy, but he was uncomfortable at the situation he was put in.
That was when DH said, on the way home that THAT wouldn't happen again. I commented that if she wanted to go to the sales she should have scheduled Thanksgiving dinner for earlier so the meal would have been over etc. But Twit doesn't care about anyone but herself. You see it is all about her, and her babies (the losers that they are, well 2 out of 3 are losers. The middle one escaped by joining the Marines and serving in Afghanistan. Momma still wants to balance his check book, mail his packages, etc so she can keep tabs on him.)
I totally understand what you
I totally understand what you are saying. My DH talked to SD yesterday while I was out of town - and today he is quite different again. He seems angry - cold - distant. I hate it.
I really have no advice - If I did I would follow it myself LOL.
I try to stay away and not bring anything up that might rock the boat - the old walking on eggshells life blech.
SDM, I think this is just one
SDM, I think this is just one more step forward in DH's separation from Twit. It's similar to going through the process of grieving where several emotions surface at various times, fluctuating between denial, anger and pity party. But eventually DH will move to acceptance, and it will just be a part of life. I think he is frustrated because he knows the eventual solution is no contact with Twit at all, out and out confrontation - or both.
It is no picnic to be around the negativity but as long as he isn't taking it out on you, let him be angry. Maybe it will give him the momentum to do what he really needs to do.
Good luck and (((HUGS))).
Good point out. I can't say
Good point out. I can't say he is grumping AT me directly, but if I ask something, etc. he is grumpy. That is why I have been sending him out to do leaves, and it is real cold out there today.
Once at lunch today, he brought up, out of the clear blue sky, the issue of Twit telling him I should have called her if I didn't get a MD card from her (like I would even know she sent one). He then went on about he was ticked off that she was always complaining to him that her BM is always asking her for money and she is oh so tired of it. Especially, as DH continued, she told him she hasn't given the BM a dime for years as she has "better things to do with her money". And her brother is also supposedly putting the arm on her for money too. THIS all comes out of DH without me saying a word and you can tell he is angry.
He even expressed concern about us getting older and her being around. I said nadda, just let him talk.
He said that Twit is out of line where I am concerned. That I am a good person and don't deserve what she does to me. He also finished off by stating that the only thing Twit sees different between us and a kennel, when she wants us to watch her dogs, is that she doesn't have to pay us...we are free to her. And he sure isn't going to do that any more.
After all that, he put on his coat and went out to straighten out the garage....again.
So you are on to something. And I know with grief there is no time limit or set way of going through the different stages so I will just have to buckle myself in for the ride.
Me thinks a lot more was said that last time he talked to her than he is saying. But I am not asking any questions, or saying anything. Just listening and sending him out to do something when he starts grumping.
At some point, he is going to
At some point, he is going to have to deal with her. She isn't going to stop, it's just a matter of time until she breaks his resistance. You and he need to discuss, going forward how you both want to handle her. Together. As for his grumpies, can you hand him a glass of wine (port, whiskey, etc) and chocolate like you would for someone who's PMSing?
Well, Twit called tonight and
Well, Twit called tonight and DH answered her call (don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you). Seems that Twit wants us to come for Thanksgiving dinner (over my dead body after last year). DH told her we are going to my daughter's (which I am certain didn't set well with Twit as she is so jealous) so she asked if we would come next Sunday.
I told DH he could go but I, well I told the truth, I didn't want to be treated like trash as she has in the past. Guess what? DH said he wasn't too happy with Twit either, that he did expect her to send that Thank You card as she said she was going to and she didn't and he is just not happy with her over that. (Got his eyes wide open about what a liar, insincere person she is, she only cares about TWIT).
I told him I am tired of game playing with her, she always treats us like trash, faux apologies to him (never to me) and then does the same type of stuff again and again. DH AGREED! His exact words were: "I agree with you about that". He said it was fine with him, he wasn't angry with me about my stance! Wow!! Let me say that again....Wow!
He said he really thought she called with her invitation because she wanted to see if he was still angry with her. DH did say, though, that if we don't go he doubts Twit will ever speak to him again.
I didn't say anything, but I was thinking....GOOD.
Now we have to see if DH has the fortitude to follow things through. We will see.
Oh, me? The moment he asked
Oh, me? The moment he asked me about going down there my stomach lurched and I found myself digging my nails into the palm of my hand. To be honest, after all she has done and what she has said to me, and the trouble she caused, I don't want to even be in the same room with her.
And, IMHO, and I might be wrong, just showing up would give the nut case the idea that she can start having a go at me again. And that I won't put up with.
You see, as I see it, Twit knows what she does, she knows it is wrong, she even admits doing things, like when she hit me with her hip and pushed me off balance. What seems to be missing is, oh, what am I going for, the realization that her actions are not normal and what is your problem. I'm not sure if that is conscience (sp) or just ignorance because I am not a doctor. But being around her makes me very, very uncomfortable, like I am in a war zone and have to watch out for ambushes etc.
DH use to tell me I was wrong about that, but he isn't telling me that now.
Is this stage going to be easy? Nope, I'm sure there is more for DH to go through and deal with before he finally ends it with her. But I am hoping the end, the rainbow so to speak, is in sight.
"But I am hoping the end, the
"But I am hoping the end, the rainbow so to speak, is in sight." Me too, SDM. DH's attitude and viewpoint about Twit have changed drastically in the last year. It doesn't sound like he wants to be around her at all. Yes, I agree - there is more in store for DH but let's hope she gets mad at him enough not to speak to him for a while.
You wrote about his grumpiness and it reminded me of the relationship I have with a 'friend' who turned into a 'frenemy'. The more I am around her the less I like her. I wonder with my present attitude about her, if I am a bit over-sensitive when she blurts out another inappropriate comment or if I over-react to her controlling, hostile behavior. I am attempting to let the relationship fade rather than burn bridges but this is proving to be a long, and sometimes painful process. Now I wonder how the negativity of the situation affects my DH too - even though he has nothing to do with it. It is so good your DH is reassuring you that it isn't you - at all. And good for you for standing firm about not being around her. There is no practical reason why you should be.
"The more I am around her the
"The more I am around her the less I like her. I wonder with my present attitude about her, if I am a bit over-sensitive when she blurts out another inappropriate comment or if I over-react to her controlling, hostile behavior."
Every time I started to think that with Twit she proved to me that she really was evil. When someone insults you it is hard to keep ignoring. Friendship is a two-way street and does involve a level of trust. When you can't believe what someone tells you that stops the friendship process right there. Friendship is a connection with another person, a sharing of some things, doing things together. Otherwise they are just an acquaintance you pass on the street, say hi to at church etc.
There is more to what Twit told DH yesterday that, well, just doesn't make sense. About Drunkie, I guess the judge in the DUI case supposedly cancelled his appearance because she had to go out campaigning - she was up for election. Now this is a county judge and it is a basically rural county so it is not like she was out stumping for congress etc. Now the Twit story is that they have to wait for a new judge since this one did not get re-elected and she has a BIG backload t get through. Umm, that doesn't make sense. this judge is on the bench until January but according to Twit she is gone and nothing can be done until they get assigned a new judge. Ya know, ya can't make this stuff up with her, she obviously thinks he was just found under a turnip leaf. Dellusional! Oh poor Twit, drunkies case is going to go on forever, woo is her. FWIW, it has been over 10 months that she has gotten it delayed. Twit is also crying to DH that her husband isn't giving her any support or helping out with Drunkie. DH gets angry with him for that. I pointed out that he cares, but it is what she wants, she wants Drunkie to be exonerated from the DUI and he has probably washed his hands of it.
Sandye, you are right. Twit needs Drunkie to be, well, Drunkie. And, IMHO, the reason Twit refuses DH's offers to take Drunkie to AA so she can go to the other side of town to an Al-Anon meeting is that Twit doesn't think she has any problems she can't handle AND she doesn't want any one to know anything about her. People will see Twit is not perfect as she likes to pretend and boast.
SDM, Please know that I do
SDM, Please know that I do not think YOU have been over-reacting at all. If anything you have been a spiritual rock of patience. You have taught me a lot. But I think your DH's grumpy periods have been a result of his reaction to Twit, how frustrated and tired he must be of all of it.
"When you can't believe what someone tells you that stops the friendship process right there." When someone says and does things which cause you emotional harm, and they know what they are doing, but either deny it or try to turn it around on you, you DO lose all trust. It takes a heck of a lot to repair the relationship. Now he knows the truth about Twit, your DH must feel like he has been betrayed. Because she is a narcissist (and possible sociopath) she is incapable of recognizing, acknowledging or being remorseful for her words and actions. Drunkie - and her recent 'brush with death' gallbladder problem are merely emotional fuel to keep pulling DH into the drama. Control freak narcissists are like spiders who allow only so much freedom for the fly until they recapture it for further use. Your DH and I know we are facing a day when we realize the 'gentle, not burning bridges' approach is not going to work. For me it's a friendship which will fade into the sunset. For your DH the stakes are much, much more.
I am so glad you choose not to have any contact with Twit anymore. She just sounds too sick and dangerous to be around! This is why my SD is no longer welcome in my home. Too much non-repairable damage.
Oh Sandye - I never thought
Oh Sandye - I never thought that at all. I was just agreeing with you that at times one does a self-check on oneself to see if we may be over-critical, making mountains out of mole hills, etc.
One thing I do, use to do that is, was when Twit acted out at me to look at it and think if I would accept that kind of behavior from my own daughter. The answer was no. But once the pattern really started, there was no denying Twit was something I have never come across before.
As you say, Drunkie is just something she wants to continue so that she can wail woe is me to DH. DH listens to Twit cry about what she did wrong to make Drunkie the way he is...boo hoo hoo. Maybe it is me she ought to ask that question because I would give her an answer that would blow her socks off and put her into a rage like she has never been when I tell her - Twit it is because of You you idiot. You know I would never say that, but boy would I love to.
These last few months even DH has said, in regard to Twit and all her many problems, that it is not OUR problem. But, as you note, it can be hard to get away from that spider because he is her father.
I never said it before, but do you know why she wouldn't watch our dog last summer when her brother was having surgery and needed help? Because she didn't want me to go down there with DH! She never thought that I would just drive down and take the dog with me. What a piece of work. DH's son told him this months ago and DH was peeved when he heard it. He did tell me when he was angry. Twit told the son she was doing it for HIS benefit! DH's son likes me, we get along fine.
"DH listens to Twit cry about
"DH listens to Twit cry about what she did wrong to make Drunkie the way he is...boo hoo hoo." And if you told her it WAS something she did wrong she would deny it, making it the fault of someone else. I will bet she has complained that her DH doesn't take an active part in Drunkie's life. By the way, yesterday I finally had to tell my 'friend' why I wanted a 'cooling off period'. She came back with the the old "What did I do wrong to make you so mad at me?" When I told her she used the standard narcissistic M.O. that Twit uses, gas lighting, "I'm sorry but you over-reacted", "I'm sorry but it wasn't what you THINK you heard." I found you can not win with narcissistic control freaks until you fly out of the web and hide out for a very long time. Your approach of complete separation is the only answer. I feel for your DH but eventually he is going to do as I have and let it go.
Oh Sandye, what you described
Oh Sandye, what you described with your friend is why I like to talk to you and others on this forum.
You know, it really just dawned on me, I mean the light went on in the attic, that the reason Twit called about Thanksgiving is because she is trying to draw DH, and me along with him, back into her web. DH had been leaving her alone totally and I am certain that she just can't stand that. I would imagine that her pool of victims is thinning out as the years go by. Keep in mind that DH said he thought she really called to see if he was still angry with her.
When I thought about this I also realized that what Twit does is want family around her during the holidays (just as long as we don't get in her way as last year), so she can feel warm and fuzzy surrounded by nice people, and after she gets her need met, wants him to go away until she needs him for something again. Like the Christmas she invited us down for "dinner" which she was serving at noon. It consisted of frozen pizza and a can of pop. After which she told us we had better get going as the weather was going to get bad later that night (they were predicting snow in the evening) and she worried about us being on the road (we live 9 miles away). Thus, she showed us the door about 1:15! I know DH was disappointed, but he actually believed that was their Christmas dinner.
As I said, she wants us around like dolls when she feels a need for "family", for her ego.
Oh about Sunday dinner with Twit. Not going. Told DH he could go if he wanted to but he said if I don't go he's not going. I just told him NOT to blame it on me if he doesn't go. Told him it didn't make sense to me that she was demanding an apology from me etc. and then calls and wants us over for dinner? Nope, not me. And in her warped mind she would think that if I showed up that would be an apology and she would be back to normal in her dealings with me. Not going, don't want to put up with her stuff. I'm DONE. I would be with sickos like Twit, the fact that I avoid her, don't have any more to do with her etc. is driving her up the wall.
Sandye - it is tough to end a
Sandye - it is tough to end a relationship, even a bad one.
"I feel for your DH but eventually he is going to do as I have and let it go."
You are so right there. But, as you, he probably wants to be gentle about it.
For me, when someone, Twit,
For me, when someone, Twit, looks me directly in the eyes and tells me that she does what she does to me because she cares about me, not to expect anything different from her because, well, that is just the way she is. And then expects me to be grateful for that bad treatment and gullible enough to believe it is caring! Pretty darn direct to me. DH was there when she said this and it was one of the reasons why he told me that it was okay if I wanted nothing to do with her.
And this is the Twit who is telling DH that I need to apologize to her! Detached from reality? You bet she is, but she is cunning, always looking for the way to twist the knife, make a snotty comment meant to hurt (though I tend to laugh and walk away when she does that which tees her off). She really sees nothing wrong with her behavior and attitude.
She talks about all the "friends" she has. Umm, the way she acts I doubt she really has any friends at all. What she has are team people that work for her in her pots and pan business. Business acquaintances is what I would call them, but not friends.
I mean, you don't invite people over and then leave to go have a pot and pan party, or go chasing bargains while your guests are still eating. Friendship includes grace and manners and CARING and Twit only cares about herself, her babies, and maybe her husband because she can use him to blame the mean things on.
Morning catmom, my friend. I
Morning catmom, my friend. I think you are dead right about that. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night and I am still upset, feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.
You know what is very strange
You know what is very strange in dealing with Twit? She does these nasty, evil things, gets vicious, causes problems and acts like that is NORMAL! I mean some of the things she has bragged to us about doing to co-workers and "friends" would curl your toes and she thinks it is great and funny what she does, like she should be commended! Bizarre is all I can say.
I mean narcisisst generally do not outright brag about what they do, they try to cover it up, because they know that kind of behavior is, well bizarre. Twit, she openly brags about how she cheats people, messes with their lives, talks about them viciously etc. Almost like she is looking for approval. Case in point, once she was moaning about her BM, her brother and her Aunt and talking about how they were driving her crazy with all their calls complaining about each other (poor Twit - isn't she the martyre and the superior one every one goes to), talking each other down, etc., and of course Twit put her 2 cents in on them as well BUT she was the fount of stability according to her. She seemed so pleased with herself. I looked at her and asked her if she talked about us like that to them. Only then did she have a clue about what she had done. Not that it stops her I am sure. I also asked her why she encourages their behavior since it bothers her so much and upsets her so much. DH said the same thing to her.
And that is just one of the things I don't understand. Is it lack of a conscencious (sp)or what?
Hi Annith - Took me a bit to
Hi Annith - Took me a bit to figure out the SGTWITS, but I got it. Yeah, I pity them, but even more I pity Twit's daughter-in-law to be. She has no idea what she is really in for. Hopefully, after they marry (and this would be Twit's middle child who escaped her by going into the service) they don't stick around. Though Twit has said many a time that she needs to keep her "babies" close by so she can get to them quickly. The demented Twit.
I was reading something about
I was reading something about narcissists and came upon this. How true when I think of Twit's rages.
"The narcissist's rage is not so much a reaction to offended grandiosity as it is the outcome of panic."
The last time she came running up her to DH and accused me of calling her a liar, he told me she was actually shaking. He thought she was just so upset. At first I thought it was just flat out rage, but now, thinking about it and her past actions like this, I am inclined to agree that it is panic. She is in the process of having been caught, facing consequences, and is panicking so she needs to blow up and put the blame on someone else to try to keep the other party, in this case her Father, from seeing what she did.
Maybe it really should be called a rage of panic?
Good point. It is also part
Good point. It is also part of the triangle game: Twit being the victim to point all blame to you, the perpetrator, using DH as the rescuer. You have taken yourself out of the game. The triangle can not be completed. She is in a state of panic at being found out by DH and she has. She's running out of fuel. I know your DH wants to eventually distance the relationship with Twit with as little hard feelings as possible but this doesn't work with a narcissist. Just a matter of time before DH becomes so overly saturated with the drama he will pull out of her life completely. (((HUGS)))
Sandye - very interesting
Sandye - very interesting what you just said about triangle game. Boy, that was it on the nail head. The last time she ran up here crying that I called her a liar DH said she was shaking. At first I thought it was shaking with rage as Twit does go off the deep end pretty easily, but after reading that article on narcissistic panic that seemed more appropriate. And she was panicking, she needed DH to believe I had called her a liar so he would punish me. That was her goal. He said she was shaking because she was upset at what she claimed I did.
When DH and I later talked about it, I told him she wasn't shaking because she was upset, but because it was rage. Now I realize Twit was probably in panic mode.