My Daughter and what to do!
My daughter who is 19 very nearly 20, and is my step child, although I always class her as my daughter still lives at home with us at the moment. She is in voluntary work, and claiming benefit and has been on benefit since she was 18. We have both tried to help her find paid work, tried to encourage her in different ways over the years to no avail.
It has got to the point where she is staying out at her manager's house, and felt she didn't need to let us know she would be staying out, which I feel is respect and courtesy to let us know. Although she has since let me know.
She isn't a bad person by any means, she is very quiet, very introverted in a lot of ways, creative, intelligent but very slow.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to talk to her, as she only replies with a not much or don't know. She doesn't appear interested in us as people, and doesn't want us to be interested in her as an adult, especially me I feel. Although her Dad can be as exasperated with her as I can.
I asked her recently if there was anything she would like for christmas, she said don't bother as I don't want anything. She has also told her sister that she doesn't want anyone to buy for her and she doesn't want to buy for anyone either.
I woke up this morning very upset/crying/emotional over it, as I feel hurt but also that she doesn't want me in her life.
I can't remember the last time she called me mum which she started calling me it at 3 years old. (their bio mother wasn't in their lives a great deal)
any advice much appreciated...thank you
At some point as parents we
At some point as parents we have to give our kids what they want which in this case is for you and dad to be out of her life primarily.
So, give her what she wants and engage with your kid(s) that are engaging with you. One way to demonstrate that you are complying with her wishes is to rekey the locks and don't give her a key. If she is shacking up with her boss then she does not need your roof over her head.
Good luck.
Thanks for your reply, she
Thanks for your reply, she really does have plenty of space....her boss is an older than me lady, with a partner who I feel she can connect with and talk to...
me and her dad both work full time so she doesn't see us a great deal, not sure about changing the locks at the moment but its a thought...
all we want for all our kids is for them to be happy...
I get it Claire. But,
I get it Claire. But, sometimes the young launching aged kids need to gain clarity in the real world to gain motivation and understanding of what reality looks like.
When my SS-22 was a recent HS graduate and not interested in university or getting a job we turned him in to our beck and call chore boy. If he failed to get his daily exhaustive chore list done then the next AM we dragged him out of the bed in his PJs and left him there on the porch all day with no food and no key until we got home from work. It did not take too many of those days for him to gain clarity that he was welcome in our home, it is his home too, but that there were expectations and responsibilities that he had to deliver on. The first time he was a bit dehydrated after spending all day on a hot day outside. He was so mad at his mom and I until I gave him the follow me finger wiggle and showed him that there is a a garden hose in both the front and back yards when he was thursty the next time he decided not to do his chores and had to spend the day locked out of the house in his sleep togs. He gained clarity but not until it got a little cold and he had to spend a day outside in his PJs. }:) We are not as evil as we sound. We gave him the down comforter off of his bed to wrap himself in for the day.
Like you all his mom and want for him is for him to be happy. That takes being a self supporting viable adult. At least in the case of my Skid who not long after the beck and call boy/locked out of the house for the day period joined the USAF. He just finished year 3 of 6 and indicates that he wants to do his 20.
"all we want for all our kids
"all we want for all our kids is for them to be happy..." No one can be happy 100% of the time and we cannot "give" our kids happiness. Sometimes your kids need to stumble and fall just like they did when they were toddlers learning to walk. They need to fail and we need to let them. At times they need to be miserable and feel the pain of the choices they've made, we need to stop bailing them out!!!
My DH said all he wanted for ss30 was for him to "be happy." The child still lives with mommy, can't hold a relationship or a job and is always bailed out by some family member. DH still pays his bills. Do you think this adult who cannot live his own life is "happy?" He's miserable, he's depressed and he blames it all on the people who are enabling him. DH can't understand why ss30 is so mad at him.
Let your daughter spread her wings and fly. We can be there for our adult kids when they stumble, we can encourage them without doing it for them.
She's growing up. It's
She's growing up. It's normal for kids her age to start pulling away from their parents and trying to find their way.
You know it's kind of funny. There are a bunch of blogs (with plenty more to come)here filled with SMs complaining about adult step daughters giving their fathers extensive Christmas lists. You are fortunate enough to have one who isn't demanding/expecting anything.
Thanks for your reply... yes
Thanks for your reply...
yes I can appreciate that she is starting to spread her wings, it has taken her long enough to do it that's for sure..
it is funny when it is put like that regarding christmas, although I wouldn't treat her any different to our other children...and I don't expect her to buy for us as she doesn't have a lot of money...but other family members like grandparents who think about her at christmas, I do feel she should make a token in return. Just me and having respect for others I guess..
Agree, she is growing up and
Agree, she is growing up and testing getting out on her own. I don't think she has a problem with you, it is just the age. As to Christmas, well, don't know what is going on with her on that, but she doesn't want anything from anyone and doesn't intent to buy for any one. But I would get her a little something nice. Just to show that you care but not big where she would feel bad about not getting you anything. That is a tough one, what to buy, but if you get stuck, let us know and we can offer suggestions.
Thanks for your reply... I
Thanks for your reply...
I truly don't believe she is into drugs, in a lot of ways she prefers a natural approach to things than medication. We had spoken to her about depression before as she used to spend all of her time in her room and only went out when she needed to due to signing on etc. I offered to go to the drs with her in the past but she said she didn't need to go.
We have wondered whether it all relates to the fact that their mother left them literally...at 3 and 4 years old. This daughter always took it harder, couldn't understand it...what child could, and as much as I have been a mother to them, I am not their mother.
She hasn't had any serious boyfriends.. and doesn't have one now she said. I have only known her to go on one date..
and yes I will tell her how much we do care...
This is exactly what my first
This is exactly what my first thought was when I read your post. Then I started reading responses and found this response which supports what I thought. The reason I think this is a possibility is because it is exactly what I did at her age. I experimented and withdrew from my family. I spent my Xmas when I was 19 years old alone as I was doing things I shouldn't have been doing and I didn't want anyone to know. I'm sure my parents were hurt. Years later I told them about what I had been doing. Thank goodness in my case, it only took about 6 months to decide that I didn't want to live that way. I was severely depressed and anxious. This was about 20 years ago. I know you're hurt and it's hard. My 15 year old son wants nothing to do with me right now and he thinks his father walks on water yet he only sees his dad for a couple hours every four months.
I haven't read all of the responses to this post yet but I think this is a possibility and of you know for sure she isn't doing drugs then it could just be depression. I hope your family will get through this time in the near future. Good luck to you.
Amber
Thank you... yes I guess I am
Thank you...
yes I guess I am hurt...yes I know it is normal the other three have all left home now...
that is a good point... although she does buy a fair few new to her /new clothes...
Thank you... Yes that does
Thank you...
Yes that does sound very much like her...her dad is also that way, but has learnt to an extent to overcome it...though he thinks he wasn't as much introverted.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your reply..
she does pay her lodge money without fail out of her benefit...in the uk, benefit is given for a certain amount of time and then you have to take a voluntary position that they offer you, if you haven't got a job. This is why she needs to get paid work as she already works voluntary but I think it would mean her doing something else.
We just needed to know she was safe in regards to her not staying at home. We do have rules, and we do make her...which is why she got the voluntary job she is doing in the first place. We didn't believe it was helping her to start living by being stuck in a room 24/7...
I have told all of our children they have until they are 21 to move out...because they need to make their own lives. This one is just taking longer than the others.