"Go and create trouble...."
This weekend's visit went ok... I guess.. we had a great time picking pumpkins and carving them, we went to the zoo... life seemed ok...
I have noticed a pattern when SD9 comes to visit.. she seems fine for the most past and the she starts to act out, mean, name calling, fighting... I have been watching this for a few weeks and I notice that on Tuesdays, the only night we get her for 3 hours, she is usually pretty bad...
Yesterday around 3 pm she started acting out, after a very fun weekend, I was at the end of my robe here my DH was too... she got spanked after hitting one of my Bkids... WE HATE spanking, we don't do it often, its like the ultimate after time out, taking stuff away, you name it...
I went into the room after a while, she was sobbing, my DH followed me in, I sat in front of her and asked her "I need to know what is going on back home?" "I need to understand why you are ok but progressively you start getting angry and mad" ... She said she was afraid of sharing because we would tell her mom and she would get yelled at, I promised It would be a private conversation between us, as long as she was not in harms way.
"They don't like you guys" ..."they tell me to come here and create trouble"..."I cant tell them I like you guys because I get in trouble"..."I have to tell mom I have a bad time every time and that I hate you SM, or she gets mad at me" ..."I don't know what I can say or what I cant because I am afraid"...
A lot of tears, a lot of hearth ache... I told her that to me, her mom was using her like Taliban uses innocent children to carry bombs, hoping the explode in enemy territory, I told her we were not hurt by her mom saying mean things about us, because she is the only person we care for, not BM or her SD, I told her from now on, whenever she was told something that she felt like a "bomb" strapped to her, she could tell us, and we would clip the bombs of, I told her I was ok with her picking her battles and telling BM she doesn't like me, because I know this keeps the peace, but that when she comes here, she needs to leave the bombs in the front yard because, DH and I will not break or explode over her, or anyone...
Detaching all this months went out of the door Sunday, I need it to understand what is going on...for my sake... I CANNOT BELIEVE this BM is drilling her child into being a monster!!!! She doesn't care if her child spend the whole weekend in time out, she promised at home she would regarded, never put her in time out, as long as she makes our weekends hell... and this child is torn, so torn, is sick!
Sorry this is so long, I was eager to get here and be able to share this, because I am in-front of one OF THOSE BM that would destroy their children, as long as this "hurts" BD.... oh so sick!!!!! :sick:
For the life of me, I cannot
For the life of me, I cannot understand how these BMs can do this to their children.
BM over here did not tell SD to act out but she did fill her head with all kinds of lies about me and DH, which eventually made her not want to come over.
Did it hurt DH? Sure, but it hurt SD more in the long run.
Tread carefully on believing
Tread carefully on believing what this 9 year old is telling you. There is probably a greater chance that she is lying, than her telling the truth here. JMHO.
Oh but I do think that you handled it beautifully weather she is telling the truth or not.
Thank you guys...I am
Thank you guys...I am inclined to believe in her right now, just bgecause I have seen the type of person BM is, she is a very torn, evil woman, she is so hateful! she was adopted when she was a baby, by this FANTASTIC, adorable, wealthy family, and she HATES THEM, her mom, my DH ex mother in law, is the nicest, sweetest lady ever! and she has being the target of her daughter's craziness for years...Do I think BM would say this things? ABSOLUTELY! do I think SD9 is playing this along, at least a little? YES! but my master plan is (LOL) to make SD feel she can trust me, I don't care if she goes home and talks crap about me, or DH, but when she is here, we are at peace, and that's all I care, my home and my children, and the 2 weekends a months, 4 Tuesdays a month, she is here...
A part of me believes her pain, she was shaking, and I know her mom is a nasty big mouth woman, and an abuser, she turned my DH into a scared cat for years... this is such a hard topic... isn't it?
I think if we handle this
I think if we handle this carefully it will play good on our end, because my answer usually is "Hunnie, if not nice to talk about people so we don't want to hear about your mom" that usually takes care of it, and because of the way BM is being acting (she is not contacting us at all, she send everything, every message trought SD9) I am sure she drills her as soon as she walks in the door to see what we said and what we did... I am hoping she tells her "I am not allowed to talk about you"
If you didn't know the
If you didn't know the Behemoth BM in my case, you'd think she was MOTY and a complete cooperative co-parent with Chef.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Oh, she'll ACT that way when the "heat is on" especially during the couple of downward mods we've had through the past ten years and the special education review committee for SD (who is not disabled but the BM MADE SURE that SD was labeled so to cover for her shoddy non-parenting)
In reality, she would "grill" the skids when they came back to her house, asking leading questions "Did anything baaaaaadddddd happen when you were at your father's house?" (which is really MY house)
She definitely made loyalty conflicts and wanted the skids to act aloof when seeing us at their sporting events for an "acceptable time period."
There was NO DOUBT that the skids were under pressure to "pick a parent." Basically PAS. Everytime the skids came over, they would push the envelope, act feral, have meltdowns, demand expensive items and eateries etc. etc. Expected to be entertained 24/7. Of course real life is not a 24/7 3 ringed circus, but that conflicted directly with the BM's agenda that the children were HERS and she was doing Chef a FAVOUR by ALLOWING him to see his children.
Funny thing, the BM's BM was like this as well and PASed her out against HER father.
EXTREMELY common, unfortunately.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNuwQNN3q4
1:02:07
I think you handled it
I think you handled it beautifuly. If this is really as bad as SD is making it out to be then one day she will realize what's really going on and who had and didn't have her best interest at heart.
I did told her yesterday "do
I did told her yesterday "do you know why I don't say bad things about your mom, or call her names? she said no, and I said "because you will grow one day to realize you had two examples of how to be a mom in your life, and I hope you follow mine...." she looked at me completely lost and puzzle, so I said "Who gets in trouble when you are here? he loses toys and gets spanking?" "me" and I said well, I would never ever put my children in a position were they will be hurting, or in trouble, to hurt someone else!...
She also said she is not allowed to smile at us, or talk, or anything in public, so I told her "lets put a invisible mask, like we don't like each other, that way your feelings and ours dont get hurt" she got out of the truck last nite (i never go to drop her off but we were on our way to drop my kids somewhere else" she hugged me and passed her hand over her face, like an invisible mask.... BROKE MY HEART...
we will be doing this
we will be doing this tonite... Thank you!!
^^^Yes^^^ I made my DH watch
^^^Yes^^^
I made my DH watch these and he sees what he couldn't before.
Btdt and have the t-shirt.
Btdt and have the t-shirt. BM did this and it worked, SD only saw us as evil for having rules. Fast forward and we have zero relationship with her and BM destroyed her daughter with her house being the fun house. Good luck!
I feel very very torn as of
I feel very very torn as of what to do now... should we try and find a counselor that will help us? can we use this in court as emotional abuse? should I step a side and watch from the distance? I am waiting for the day she will say "I wont come anymore" but as per CO she has visit every other weekend... can she (SD9) go against the court order?
Record that conversation and
Record that conversation and call CPS. Bring a shit storm down on BM. No need to break your promise. Don't say a word to BM. Let CPS nail her idiot ass the wall. This little girl needs to be as far away from that toxic trash of a BM as possible.
No kid deserves that bullshit.
Great job mom. Now bring the shit storm of pain down on BM big time.