I've been a member for a few years now but don't want this to get linked to my old blogs. Before anyone starts screaming CREW! send me a PM first.

DH died a few weeks ago. SS is with BM, so it just leaves me and DS4mo. Since then, all of my worst nightmares are coming true.

DH died while I was at work. He was taking care of SS and DS, and had just packed them both in the car to go to SS' dentist appointment when it happened. Thank god they never left the driveway.

BM was the one to tell me that my husband was gone. Over the phone, while I was driving to the hospital the EMTs told me they were taking him.

Everything was in DH's name. All the bills, the mortgage, everything. I keep making phone calls to places and they all say "have a nice day!" when we're done.

BM just moved out of state (she was in town when it happened to close up her old house). Now I won't get to see SS except when she feels like it. My boys won't get to grow up together. Half my family is gone.

DH had life insurance, but guess who the beneficiary was? BM! She can't collect it because of the way the divorce agreement was written, but the secondaries are SS (protected, thank goodness) and DH's mother (who is broke). So I have nothing to help with the debts DH left me.

I'm paying a lawyer I can't afford to help with the estate, but they can only do so much.

My boss is starting to become less and less understanding of my time off work and working from home. It's only been 3 weeks, I still don't have DS4mo in daycare (found it, just can't start yet) and trying to deal with the estate is a full time job! I don't know what I'll do if I get fired.

I'm so angry right now. I can't believe DH didn't do anything to protect me. I've got to tell you, make your husbands (or wives!) read this if they don't already have a plan in place, because this is the worst. The fucking worst.

There have been some blessings, too. BM has actually been great. She went so far as to set up a memorial fund, which was the only way I could pay for the services and the cremation. My mom few in and stayed for two weeks to help with the baby. I'm so grateful for this little boy, because he keeps focused and makes me smile. The neighbors keep bringing over food, though I'm not hungry lately. But the baby weight is going away fast. My SS gets to come over this weekend for a while before he moves with BM, so he can love on DS and get nerf darts everywhere. I miss the nerf darts.

I miss him so much. I've been so busy trying to do EVERYTHING and hold my job down, I've barely had time to cry. It's still so unreal. I just want him to come home. I want to wake up.