I definitely get angry... DH will set a rule, for example, at dinner, SD5 won't eat anything, ever. He will say, this is all you are getting etc., no dessert. She doesn't eat... but then later on he will give the kids sweets before bed or let her have Cheez-Its or fruit snacks.

Mine never disciplines. His relationship is more like a grandpa to them then a dad. It used to drive me nuts when he missed totally obvious stuff. And, he never helped with mine when he was a minor and living with us. To this day mine can talk disrespectfully to me and he says nothing. Both mine and his take his side when we have conflict. I feel like the rug at the front door. I no longer care how his turn out and I am disengaging from the entire family, starting now. Time for me to get some hobbies.

I get mad the same too, I don't like it when DH tells me what I'm doing wrong and then completely misses it with his own kids.

old example: BS was 8 at the time, and was talking baby talk, and I kept yelling at him and correcting him, but he kept doing it...for like 6 weeks, ahhh. DH kept saying "there is something wrong with him, you should have him get professional help" and riding me hard about the issues like 3-5 times a DAY!.
Two years later SS, turns 8, and starts doing it, and he ignores it! DH ignored it for 3 month before I finally pointed it out! OMG really? found out from parent teacher conferences that they have a project in school, at the start of the year where they challenge the kids to baby talk for a whole day...to teach about communication...and some kids carry it on past that...

so we have a situation where he directs me, but doesn't do himself...

If I was to get mad at DW for each and every time she refuses to discipline SS the way I would, would be akin to me driving a mini-van with Michael Schumacher in the passenger seat. One of us is most likely going to throw himself out of the vehicle while it is still moving.

No, I don't get mad at him for parenting his girls his way. (To be fair, he's not a Disney Dad. He might not do things my way, but then lots of people don't.) I might offer my opinion (when we're alone) if I disagree with how he handled something, but I don't get mad. Not my kids, not my problem.

Now, I DO get mad if I disagree with how he parents our bios! Those ARE my (our) kids and I care deeply about how they're parented. I try to wait until we're alone before saying anything, and it is a conversation (not a fight), but yeah, I get mad. Like telling BS5 that he can't have desert unless he has a second piece of pizza. WTF? "You can have junk food as long as you eat more junk food first"?!? I almost killed him that night, I swear to god.... Had the same thing happened with one of the SDs though, I would have thought it was funny and probably would have just teased him about it later.

I get frustrated, I have since disengaged until it gets bad, affects my children or someone's safety.

Prime example: SD11 decided she wanted to wear the same (too tight) jeans on saturday that she wore to our house on friday. DH told her to go change. She came back with a different shirt on but the same pants. DH told her again, sd11 sat there and argued with DH for 40 minutes before I said "do what your father said to do"

But DH faltered because "poor pitiful SD" started her tears. UGH! DH then took his slack parenting further and just took her out to buy her a new pair of pants, ummm she had a pair you bought this summer.

So yeah I get pissed but it's because he can't follow through. I use to do it all. I just recently said F-this and disengaged.

It's not that I get mad that we discipline differently - it's the double standard.
My son can do - X crime and get Y punishment. His kid can do X crime and get no punishment. That's not frustrating it's infuriating.

Nony I've been in your shoes - that is very frustrating

DH likes the throw his two cents in when an issue comes up with my BS and I bite my tongue with his kids.

I just ask him to parent, please. MOTY is their BFF, DH needs to be a parent. Follow through is big with me. I've learned to keep quiet about the skids and their behavior, I will call out when they are disrespectful to DH or me, not going to tolerate it at all. Skids are nasty little attitudes and I don't deal with that, so I make myself scarce. If there is an issue and DH isn't handling it, I get up and walk away. He knows that he's missed the mark and rights the course.

Both skids have screamed at me that I am not their mother, I always respond quietly, "You're right, I'd beat your ass if I was your mother and you spoke to me that way" They get my point. My silence screams louder to them.

Before I disengaged, it wasn't his punishments and discipline that annoyed me.

It was the fact he was so freaking inconsistent about it. The punishment rarely fit the crime (either too much or not enough) or he would not follow the punishment through.

I finally told him if he's not going to be consistent then stop. She knows you're not going to follow through so why in Dogs name are you even bothering in the first place???

Not to geek out and sound like Draco....but some of the best advice I've ever heard was from Yoda. "Do or do not, there is not try."

For you bible thumpers (I am now Agnostic but used to be a Sunday school teacher) out there....it was the Star Wars way of quoting Revelations 3:16 "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth."

Hell yes, I get mad because my way works and his doesn't! In SO's defense, his kids are rude, whiny, and loud because he'd spent 8 years trying to "save" from a terrible BM... meaning he's lived to make them "happy" (out of guilt since they are forced to live in squalor with their mother). He hasn't taught them jack shit as most of his energy was spent bailing out the whore through her many emergencies. It's kind of tough to demand that your kids use manners when their mother is getting evicted *again* and you're trying to get her dumb ass settled. I get it. But now that he's realized that he's not obligated to take care of their mother, it's time to LEARN how to be a father.

SO bribes and threatens his kids (poopy parenting!) and I *usually* stay out of it until we're behind closed doors. Yet so many times words fly out of my face before I can stop them, and those words are laced with sarcasm or general bitchiness. I cannot tolerate poor behavior from kids!

One day his youngest was having a tantrum right before they were about to walk out of the door to go to a fun place. I was counting down the seconds until I could have the house to myself when I heard him say, "Hey, cut that out! I said stop! Okay, we're going to leave you.... Alright, we're leaving... Do you want to stay here with Blayze?"

WWWWHhhhhhhaaaaatttt? Now you're punishing ME, SO? I walked out of my hiding place and sternly told him "She's 5. Pick her up and put her in the car. Seriously, you're not leaving her here and threats are no way to parent." WTF?

...Reason #146 why I am demanding that he read a parenting book before I let the skids come back over to my house.

I almost called of our engagement last year due to sd8 atrocious behavior and dh doing nothing to get her in line. He changed his tune big time,otherwise I would've never married him. Sd8 is still an annoying brat who wears ill fitting clothes and acts feral some of the time. Bm is a selfish person,so dh is stuck with the task of trying to teach sd8 manners and ladylike behavior. I resent Bm because if she weren't so self involved,sd8 might be decent. Dh still lets stuff slide with sd8, but is horribly offended at other kids similar behaviors..,ummm ok dh,WHAT EVER!!

I do not have any children of my own and therefore, I know I should not go out of my way to criticize my boyfriend's parenting of his dd4. That being said however, it's hard to stand by and watch him and his parents discipline her in a manner that I know is much different from the way that bf and I were both raised. There's a lot of sympathy parenting that goes on between bf and his parents.

Back story-bf and bm got married when she was pregnant with dd4. He joined the military and they were later stationed down south. While bf was deployed, bm was cheating on him. He found out, they divorced, and she moved back across the country with dd. During that time, bf's parents were very involved in dd4's life. Since bf was stationed at the time of their divorce, their custody agreement is that bm has dd all but every other weekend. Bm, to state it simply, is a bad mom. She is a drug user, has an eating disorder, has had DCFS involvement, has men constantly entering and leaving her and dd's lives, spends little time educating or disciplining dd, and has ultimately contributed to dd's weird eating habits and anti-social behaviors.

That being said, bf's disciplining of dd, or lack thereof, stems from his feeling badly about missing a large chunk of dd's life and leaving her with bm. Understandable, but now that he's in the picture, he needs to be a parent. His parents, same thing, need to give her some boundaries when she is with them. I just worry that eventually, if she hasn't already, she's going to begin master manipulation as she knows that they're going to always give her a pass because of her sad past with her mother. With bf talking about taking bm to court to change the custody agreement, I wonder what kind of rules and routine will be put in place if he/we have her more often. Dd4 isn't a bad child, she just hasn't had any consistency or routine in her life up to this point, and her confusion about other's expectations for her have to be as frustrating for her as they are for me.