Do any of you think that it would have made a difference in your relationship with skid/s had you entered their life while they were younger or even older?
I think about this too. My sds were younger when I came on the scene. I think that's made a difference. Anyone who enters into a teen sks life and tries to start parenting them is in for a rough ride.
I entered skids life when 3 of them were teenagers and the other was 5 .
The two youngest are by far the easiest to deal with. I dont parent the eldest three thats my SO job but the youngest of the 3 is certainly the most polite and respectful. The very youngest as of yet i have had no issues with.
My SD was 2 when I met her, shes nearly 4 now. I have a great relationship with her, and we have no drama from BM. Ill get back to you as to whether that changes lol
Absolutely it makes a difference at what age you get your Skids. Their age not yours. My bride and I married the week before SS turned 2yo. Since I have been the only dad and full time father that are my Skids earliest memories of a dad he is in all ways except biology my son. He has known his Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan his whole life but only during 3x per year visitations (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).
My son is now 22yo and to everyone except the Sperm Clan I am his dad. When he tells his childhood stories, I am dad. When he tells his fondest family memories, I am dad. The other guy he refers to as "Gangster Dad".
My son is a self supporting young man of character who at 22yo has accomplished orders of magnitude more than all preceding generations of his Sperm Clan combined. The Sperm Idiot is a serial statutory rapist (unconvicted) with a brood of 4 out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas. He lives in a crack house rental property owned by Sperm Grandhag and Sperm Grandpa rent free. He drives t heir hand me down cars and they raise his three youngest spawn in their home without any help from the Sperm Idiot. Sperm Grandhag and Sperm Grandpa paid CS on my Skid for 17+ years.
The earlier a SParent of character enters a Skid’s life to counter a toxic BioParent (if there is a toxic bioparent), sets a strong example of an adult of character, a committed spouse, and participatory parent the better the chances that the Skid will develop to viable adulthood with character and honor.
At least that is the case in our blended family adventure.
Met my SD when she was 8. At 12 now, she has only been a complete pain in the ass since she started alienating my DH under the misguided notion that it will somehow break us up so she can go back to Candyland where the grass is made of green apple licorice and her mommy and daddy are going to get back together...
I loathe the person that child is choosing to be, and I think it would have been VERY different if I had been able to stop guilty dad syndrome before DH made her think she was the center of the universe. Even he regrets spoiling his child, and says he wishes he had known the difference between providing for her needs and providing a sense of entitlement.
I think that age can matter. In such that younger kids are more adaptable and accepting and changing their behavior is an easier task to achieve than with teens.
But I also think that the bio parent (your SO) has a huge role to play. Naturally when a new relationship is formed there will be different ideas around parenting and how kids should be raised. And both adults will have to make some changes to their ideas and practices, compromise and be open to learn new ways. Whether that is the bio parent learning to put their foot down or to teach their child how to respect adults or the step parent learning to take a back seat in the parenting or to let some minor annoyances go. How those differences are handled between the adults has a huge effect on how the kids adapt and how they interact with the adults.
My SD was 5 when I moved in with her dad. She had some behaviors that I didn't appreciate. A general lack of manors, not respecting her dad when he asked her to do something, and temper tantrums. This is on top of the adjustment that she had to go through to accept me in her life as first an adult to be respected and then over time as a parental figure. I am so lucky that my husband is willing to try to change how he does things and realize that I need to be happy too and that involves teaching his daughter to live up to some of my standards. I am much happier with her now and she knows what is expected of her and how to behave even if she still slips up sometimes. It is so much nicer to help a child who asks politely than one who demands and helps to maintain a good relationship between us.
As she gets older I know that the situation could well change for the worse, but at least we will have had a few years when she is younger to establish our relationship and my position in her life and hopefully she will sometimes remember that I have always treated her well.
Of course those dealing with PAS from the ex have a whole load of other issues to deal with where a supportive partner isn't always enough to counteract the lies and manipulations.
SD was 8 when we met and she was already kind of mean spirited. I didn't see it as such and wrote it off as 8yr old stupidness. Now she's 14, almost 15, the mean is gone, but she is a master manipulator.
Her BM is a guapo mess and there was no saving that kid. Truth be told, I don't care.
given that my BM is extremely high conflict and my skid is a girl, i dont think it would have made any difference.
the one positive about getting her at 12 is that its fewer years to have to deal with her! i also think when you get them young its harder when they do turn on you later as we've seen so many comment about here. being crapped on just after a short honeymoon period was sucky enough, i could imagine YEARS of a great or at least good relationship going south for no reasons other than the kid wants to be an ass.
I met my two stepsons when they were 11 and 16 at my SO's nephew's wedding (now 14 and 19). They were initially sweet as pie (We chatted and I even danced with both of them, lots of fun!). Alas, when BM found out I was important enough that SO had introduced me (He had never introduced any of his other girlfriends to them before), she whispered poisonous thoughts into their ears about me being the only reason they weren't staying together. They had been separated for 2 years before I ever met him, and when I met him, she was living in a different state! He convinced her to move back to California when A) she could not find a job and he of course missed his boys after nearly a year of not having them.
It took quite some time to finalize the divorce because she was mentally unstable (claiming to be suicidal, who knows if it was true) and threatening to demand all kinds of ridiculous things (child support even though she makes more than he does, pension, etc.). He waited until the storm passed before filing, and it ended up working out better that way (joint custody, no alimony/child support, no pension will go to her when SO retires).
Last year at SS19's graduation party, she got tipsy and admitted to me that I had nothing to do with their divorce (A far cry from a couple of years ago, when she claimed he was sleeping with both of us until 2010). But I highly doubt she has changed her tune to the boys. I can still sense that they waffle between liking me and resenting me. I've tried for 3 years to endear them to me, and I get tepid feelings at best. About a year ago, I unconsciously began to disengage. Now, I've found this site which helps me greatly! It's so great to know I'm NOT alone!
I think it has helped our situation with SD.
FDH and I started dating when she was 6mo, and he introduced us when she was 8mo.
BM (in the past) would have me play babysitter to SD from about 9mo up until two summers ago (SD is 4 now).
I think that too has helped the 'stepmom stepdaughter' bond.
It is easier for me because I am able to assist in parenting her when she is home.
She listens well to me and FDH (can't say the same for BM) and is a joy to be around!
I really hope that nothing changes, She is the oldest child FDH and I have out of 4. and I know that I would be DEVASTATED if anything happened to SD and my relationship.
But I am preparing myself... Just in case.
SD was 12 and a half when I met her, SS was ten and a half. Like everyone else, at first things were fine, quite wonderful. I did notice she had some behavior issues but I figured DH had some master plan. I tried to suss out what it was. DH told her I would be around for a long time before our first meeting (and even before he told me!) so she was aware from the beginning that this was a different animal. Her parents had been divorced for 4 years already.
About 6 months in, she let her nasty side really show. Within another 3 or 4 months, she fully turned on me. This coincided, of course, with our wedding.
I've often thought it might have been much better if she had been a little kid when we met. 12 is pretty late in the day to be learning "please" and "thank you" but a 6 year old might have taken it much easier. Same with many other basic behaviors such as hitting, flatulence for fun and profit, etc. It would also have been easier to get her involved in play dates and other activities that would help her socialize and get her laser focus off her dad for her every single damn need.
But reading many of the responses of people who did get very young stepkids, maybe that is an illusion. My dh has been very supportive of making changes and learning new parenting skills. I'm lucky with that. But it all leads back to the bm, as everyone says. In my case, BM doesn't hate me or deliberately cause trouble for me. She's just a terrible mother and sets a lousy example. I believe SDnow15 feels deep hurt and frustration at her mother's emotional distance so she takes it out on us. She rejects all our fun and warm things we do for her so her mother doesn't look so bad.
SS at 10 11 12 or now at 13 has never been a problem. I just gave him a 13th birthday party. It is the first birthday party either kid has ever had. What does that tell you about BM as a mother?! (I didn't know them when he turned 10. I was learning about autism when he turned 11, I was working on getting him some friends at 12.)
This is just crazy and I Do. Not. Understand. One day when I was in college my mother called up my brother and myself (we were at our gramma's at the moment, so we could share a phone call, old hard line days) and announced she had just gotten married. So I was about 19/20 and my bro 20/21. Did bro and I immediately start plotting to ruin this man's life? What the hell, of course not! We were startled and found it bizarre she'd go off and do something like that and leave it to us to announce it to our grand parents and aunts (her family) but we had our own lives going on and that was that!
When we did meet him, we all had New Year's together, it was a blast and nothing memorable about any of it except I do remember watching my mother act like an idiot for this man but whatever, her business. I wished her the best. We even wrote predictions that year and I put amongst mine that 20 years from now she would be happily married to R*** G***.
Why on earth attack your parent's spouse at that age?!!! I can see these little kids "not getting it" but kids that old should be so focused on their own future that they don't have 2 consecutive moments to think about it. And they should understand the nature of adult romantic relationships by now. What the frickin' hell.
I will own that when I first "phone" met her new husband, I gave him a "be good to her talk." Like a dad would do. Wrong of me. Out of my place. And R**** G****, if you're out there, I am sorry! I was a big-headed college kid! My mother was so good at playing the vulnerable victim, I was groomed for this, but still, shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry!
Nevertheless, I had no hostility for him and really was happy she found someone who made her happy.
Sorry, Mairin, you simply did not deserve any of this from grown kids who should know better.
Yes and no. I don't have much of a relationship with SD23. I met her when she had just turned 15. DH had a girlfriend after he left BM, but before he met me, and SD had a good relationship with ex-bf. She was 10 when they met. I'm not sure if they were closer because DH and SD were together more adjusting to the separation and because of her younger age. By the time DH and I met, SD was more involved in her own life, and DH seemed to be less attached to her. Maybe if I had met when she was younger, we would have more of a relationship, but it's possible she would be even more of a brat to me now instead.
I think about this too. My
I think about this too. My sds were younger when I came on the scene. I think that's made a difference. Anyone who enters into a teen sks life and tries to start parenting them is in for a rough ride.
I entered skids life when 3
I entered skids life when 3 of them were teenagers and the other was 5 .
The two youngest are by far the easiest to deal with. I dont parent the eldest three thats my SO job but the youngest of the 3 is certainly the most polite and respectful. The very youngest as of yet i have had no issues with.
My SD was 2 when I met her,
My SD was 2 when I met her, shes nearly 4 now. I have a great relationship with her, and we have no drama from BM. Ill get back to you as to whether that changes lol
Absolutely it makes a
Absolutely it makes a difference at what age you get your Skids. Their age not yours. My bride and I married the week before SS turned 2yo. Since I have been the only dad and full time father that are my Skids earliest memories of a dad he is in all ways except biology my son. He has known his Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan his whole life but only during 3x per year visitations (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).
My son is now 22yo and to everyone except the Sperm Clan I am his dad. When he tells his childhood stories, I am dad. When he tells his fondest family memories, I am dad. The other guy he refers to as "Gangster Dad".
My son is a self supporting young man of character who at 22yo has accomplished orders of magnitude more than all preceding generations of his Sperm Clan combined. The Sperm Idiot is a serial statutory rapist (unconvicted) with a brood of 4 out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas. He lives in a crack house rental property owned by Sperm Grandhag and Sperm Grandpa rent free. He drives t heir hand me down cars and they raise his three youngest spawn in their home without any help from the Sperm Idiot. Sperm Grandhag and Sperm Grandpa paid CS on my Skid for 17+ years.
The earlier a SParent of character enters a Skid’s life to counter a toxic BioParent (if there is a toxic bioparent), sets a strong example of an adult of character, a committed spouse, and participatory parent the better the chances that the Skid will develop to viable adulthood with character and honor.
At least that is the case in our blended family adventure.
Met my SD when she was 8. At
Met my SD when she was 8. At 12 now, she has only been a complete pain in the ass since she started alienating my DH under the misguided notion that it will somehow break us up so she can go back to Candyland where the grass is made of green apple licorice and her mommy and daddy are going to get back together...
I loathe the person that child is choosing to be, and I think it would have been VERY different if I had been able to stop guilty dad syndrome before DH made her think she was the center of the universe. Even he regrets spoiling his child, and says he wishes he had known the difference between providing for her needs and providing a sense of entitlement.
I think that age can matter.
I think that age can matter. In such that younger kids are more adaptable and accepting and changing their behavior is an easier task to achieve than with teens.
But I also think that the bio parent (your SO) has a huge role to play. Naturally when a new relationship is formed there will be different ideas around parenting and how kids should be raised. And both adults will have to make some changes to their ideas and practices, compromise and be open to learn new ways. Whether that is the bio parent learning to put their foot down or to teach their child how to respect adults or the step parent learning to take a back seat in the parenting or to let some minor annoyances go. How those differences are handled between the adults has a huge effect on how the kids adapt and how they interact with the adults.
My SD was 5 when I moved in with her dad. She had some behaviors that I didn't appreciate. A general lack of manors, not respecting her dad when he asked her to do something, and temper tantrums. This is on top of the adjustment that she had to go through to accept me in her life as first an adult to be respected and then over time as a parental figure. I am so lucky that my husband is willing to try to change how he does things and realize that I need to be happy too and that involves teaching his daughter to live up to some of my standards. I am much happier with her now and she knows what is expected of her and how to behave even if she still slips up sometimes. It is so much nicer to help a child who asks politely than one who demands and helps to maintain a good relationship between us.
As she gets older I know that the situation could well change for the worse, but at least we will have had a few years when she is younger to establish our relationship and my position in her life and hopefully she will sometimes remember that I have always treated her well.
Of course those dealing with PAS from the ex have a whole load of other issues to deal with where a supportive partner isn't always enough to counteract the lies and manipulations.
SD was 8 when we met and she
SD was 8 when we met and she was already kind of mean spirited. I didn't see it as such and wrote it off as 8yr old stupidness. Now she's 14, almost 15, the mean is gone, but she is a master manipulator.
Her BM is a guapo mess and there was no saving that kid. Truth be told, I don't care.
given that my BM is extremely
given that my BM is extremely high conflict and my skid is a girl, i dont think it would have made any difference.
the one positive about getting her at 12 is that its fewer years to have to deal with her! i also think when you get them young its harder when they do turn on you later as we've seen so many comment about here. being crapped on just after a short honeymoon period was sucky enough, i could imagine YEARS of a great or at least good relationship going south for no reasons other than the kid wants to be an ass.
I met my two stepsons when
I met my two stepsons when they were 11 and 16 at my SO's nephew's wedding (now 14 and 19). They were initially sweet as pie (We chatted and I even danced with both of them, lots of fun!). Alas, when BM found out I was important enough that SO had introduced me (He had never introduced any of his other girlfriends to them before), she whispered poisonous thoughts into their ears about me being the only reason they weren't staying together. They had been separated for 2 years before I ever met him, and when I met him, she was living in a different state! He convinced her to move back to California when A) she could not find a job and
he of course missed his boys after nearly a year of not having them.
It took quite some time to finalize the divorce because she was mentally unstable (claiming to be suicidal, who knows if it was true) and threatening to demand all kinds of ridiculous things (child support even though she makes more than he does, pension, etc.). He waited until the storm passed before filing, and it ended up working out better that way (joint custody, no alimony/child support, no pension will go to her when SO retires).
Last year at SS19's graduation party, she got tipsy and admitted to me that I had nothing to do with their divorce (A far cry from a couple of years ago, when she claimed he was sleeping with both of us until 2010). But I highly doubt she has changed her tune to the boys. I can still sense that they waffle between liking me and resenting me. I've tried for 3 years to endear them to me, and I get tepid feelings at best. About a year ago, I unconsciously began to disengage. Now, I've found this site which helps me greatly! It's so great to know I'm NOT alone!
I think it has helped our
I think it has helped our situation with SD.
FDH and I started dating when she was 6mo, and he introduced us when she was 8mo.
BM (in the past) would have me play babysitter to SD from about 9mo up until two summers ago (SD is 4 now).
I think that too has helped the 'stepmom stepdaughter' bond.
It is easier for me because I am able to assist in parenting her when she is home.
She listens well to me and FDH (can't say the same for BM) and is a joy to be around!
I really hope that nothing changes, She is the oldest child FDH and I have out of 4. and I know that I would be DEVASTATED if anything happened to SD and my relationship.
But I am preparing myself... Just in case.
SD was 12 and a half when I
SD was 12 and a half when I met her, SS was ten and a half. Like everyone else, at first things were fine, quite wonderful. I did notice she had some behavior issues but I figured DH had some master plan. I tried to suss out what it was. DH told her I would be around for a long time before our first meeting (and even before he told me!) so she was aware from the beginning that this was a different animal. Her parents had been divorced for 4 years already.
About 6 months in, she let her nasty side really show. Within another 3 or 4 months, she fully turned on me. This coincided, of course, with our wedding.
I've often thought it might have been much better if she had been a little kid when we met. 12 is pretty late in the day to be learning "please" and "thank you" but a 6 year old might have taken it much easier. Same with many other basic behaviors such as hitting, flatulence for fun and profit, etc. It would also have been easier to get her involved in play dates and other activities that would help her socialize and get her laser focus off her dad for her every single damn need.
But reading many of the responses of people who did get very young stepkids, maybe that is an illusion. My dh has been very supportive of making changes and learning new parenting skills. I'm lucky with that. But it all leads back to the bm, as everyone says. In my case, BM doesn't hate me or deliberately cause trouble for me. She's just a terrible mother and sets a lousy example. I believe SDnow15 feels deep hurt and frustration at her mother's emotional distance so she takes it out on us. She rejects all our fun and warm things we do for her so her mother doesn't look so bad.
SS at 10 11 12 or now at 13 has never been a problem. I just gave him a 13th birthday party. It is the first birthday party either kid has ever had. What does that tell you about BM as a mother?! (I didn't know them when he turned 10. I was learning about autism when he turned 11, I was working on getting him some friends at 12.)
This is just crazy and I Do.
This is just crazy and I Do. Not. Understand. One day when I was in college my mother called up my brother and myself (we were at our gramma's at the moment, so we could share a phone call, old hard line days) and announced she had just gotten married. So I was about 19/20 and my bro 20/21. Did bro and I immediately start plotting to ruin this man's life? What the hell, of course not! We were startled and found it bizarre she'd go off and do something like that and leave it to us to announce it to our grand parents and aunts (her family) but we had our own lives going on and that was that!
When we did meet him, we all had New Year's together, it was a blast and nothing memorable about any of it except I do remember watching my mother act like an idiot for this man but whatever, her business. I wished her the best. We even wrote predictions that year and I put amongst mine that 20 years from now she would be happily married to R*** G***.
Why on earth attack your parent's spouse at that age?!!! I can see these little kids "not getting it" but kids that old should be so focused on their own future that they don't have 2 consecutive moments to think about it. And they should understand the nature of adult romantic relationships by now. What the frickin' hell.
I will own that when I first "phone" met her new husband, I gave him a "be good to her talk." Like a dad would do. Wrong of me. Out of my place. And R**** G****, if you're out there, I am sorry! I was a big-headed college kid! My mother was so good at playing the vulnerable victim, I was groomed for this, but still, shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry!
Nevertheless, I had no hostility for him and really was happy she found someone who made her happy.
Sorry, Mairin, you simply did not deserve any of this from grown kids who should know better.
Yes and no. I don't have
Yes and no. I don't have much of a relationship with SD23. I met her when she had just turned 15. DH had a girlfriend after he left BM, but before he met me, and SD had a good relationship with ex-bf. She was 10 when they met. I'm not sure if they were closer because DH and SD were together more adjusting to the separation and because of her younger age. By the time DH and I met, SD was more involved in her own life, and DH seemed to be less attached to her. Maybe if I had met when she was younger, we would have more of a relationship, but it's possible she would be even more of a brat to me now instead.