Chance of 50/50?
I just married my husband and he has mediation coming up for 50/50 of his 1.5 year old son. He has been in his life since he was born and has seen him about twice a week. Due to his job his schedule always changed so the schedule was never consistent. Problem is we live about 40 miles away from BM and a different County. I am the step mom and work in the same town where the child attends daycare so I could drop him off and pick him up from daycare everyday on our week. BM is fighting this arrangement because my husband works a lot of evening shifts and his schedule still changes. She just wants us to have EOW and says no judge will give him 50 custody if the step mom will have to watch him half the nights when the BM is free most evenings.. We plan on moving closer in the next few years but we are worried she might move farther away in that time (but within the laws so she doesn't have to ask for permission)... Think we can get 50/50 even if it means I will be watching SS most evenings?
You are right. Not "we", I
You are right. Not "we", I meant "he". SS has been in my life since he was born so I forget my boundaries sometimes.
ROFR often times doesn't
ROFR often times doesn't apply to step parents.
I'll be honest as say we
I'll be honest as say we thought it would be best because he is paying so much in child support and we are barely making it by each month. He has wanted to see his son more and the child support order definilty lit a fire under him. He loves his son. I do not want to give the impression that this is all about money. We just wanted to try to find a way to get it reduced sooner than later.
That beig said, after I posted this, I have spent a few hours reading threads and posts on this forum and I think it isn't the best idea. I've been in his sons life since he was born, but reading other SM horror stories makes me rethink my offer of offering to babysit and watch SS so often while he works. I can definitely see myself regretting the decision soon after or resenting SS if I'm always stuck watching him while DH works. He still has mediation coming up but I think I will have a heart to heart with him about all this. I want to be his wife for as long as possible, not just his babysitter.
If he accepts EOW, can that be changed if we move closer within the next 2 years? He is afraid of the precedent being set and not being able to get more time sharing when and if we move closer.
Make sure YOU are okay with
Make sure YOU are okay with the responsibility of 50/50. From what you post, it would only work out if you take on the responsibility of bringing kid to and fro. 50/50 is a lot harder than EOW for Steps. And if you encourage him now then you can't back out later. And what I mean by that is you can't pull the "not my kid,not my problem" card whenever there's a scheduling conflict. Plus more time means more communication with BM, more complications. I'm a "weekly smom", my DH was given Mon-Fri after BM complained 50/50 wasn't working for her. Well I supported him then so I obviously can't go back now and say it's not working for me. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning and even though we were given more than 50/50 I still signed up to participate. Be sure it's what you want. My SS was turning two right after court so I'm in a similar boat you are in now. The younger the skid the more hostile and crazy the BM. I don't reget my decision because it's what my DH wanted but I wouldn't advise it for anyone else. Your life will be easier if yall keep what yall already have going.
Not trying to offend you at
Not trying to offend you at all, but if I was the BM I would fight it too. Matter of fact my ex is doing something similar....wants 50/50 custody but won't be there four nights a week. He wouldn't see the kids from the time he gets them off to school until the next morning. Says his gf is there to watch the, that's not getting visitation to spend time with your kids. That's getting visitation only to reduce CS. how exactly is my ex spending more time with his children? He's not. So why should my kids be moved from home to home every other week to spend time with their Dad's gf instead of with their mother? And be in their home they've always know? And their rooms? And with the routine they have been doing for three and a half years? So their dad can lower his support? How does that exactly work to be "in the best interests of the child?"
Sorry, but I think it's B.S. and I'm hoping our judge see it the same way. He did with my DH just a couple weeks ago when BM was trying to do the same thing and get 50/50 custody of skids. Judge said there was no reason to do it, other than financial and that's not how it works.
A SM, SS is 9. SS9 has been
A SM, SS is 9. SS9 has been in my life since 8mos old. we got 50/50 time a year ago. Let me tell you- it's not automatic reduction in support. We pay exactly the amount we paid when we had two days a week. And I do all driving to school and pickups. I'm beginning to resent SS9. I hate feeling this way. I feel like my own time with my BS7 is tainted and stolen by having SS9 so much. Always running SS9 to sports too. I'm tired, taken for granted by all parties. I will be in this marriage forever- but sometimes wish I could go back in time
oh- and think about spending three YEARS in court proceedings to get 50/50 time with the same amount of child support!
Unlike other posters I don't
Unlike other posters I don't agree. The only reason DH got his same equal time is bcz he fought for it from the time SD was a baby. Its easier to get that before BM gets the baby established in her area/school. If you wait it will be harder to get 50/50. DH husband works as do most parents. The judge told my husband they don't penalize parents custody time for working. And the mediator /courts didn't care who was at home with the child on moms time nor dads time as long as the child is safe. Once you married him the child is yours too..but that's just my opinion. Why pay someone else (BM)to take care of your child when DH can . Working means he is a responsible parent!
That child is not hers. If
That child is not hers.
If she ends up divorced or her husband dies, her connection to that child ends. She is her husband's wife.
This idea of going around claiming kids just because you married the dad is nuts.
Thanks for the honest
Thanks for the honest andwers everyone! My DH and I have a lot of talking to do. I can see the pros and cons of both sides.
I find it a wee bit
I find it a wee bit hypocritical that it's okay for the BM to hold a job and send the toddler to daycare during the day.
However it's not okay for the BD to have a job with evening shifts because it means he'll be away from the kid during his visitation??
WTF? If he had a day job, then wouldn't that be the same exact case.
50/50 custody is not visitation. It's a 50/50 custody arrangement. And how is his working nights, with the SM caring for the SS any different than the BM working during the day and having a staff at a daycare facility watch him??
And wouldn't this mean, if the BD works evenings, that he could potentially be with his child during the day? Thus alleviating some of the cost of daycare??
Would you be for the BD getting 50/50 if he had a day job and wanted to spend more time with his son and save money on CS?? Or are you just assuming he's not fit to care of this toddler because he's a man?
What if he was a widower and had to take care of this little one on his own, with night shifts? Would you all advise that he not have custody then too??
Knowing that several of the members are struggling to get by because of CS, I would have thought the honesty of the OP would receive a bit more understanding.
Well my DH can't change his
Well my DH can't change his work schedule so he has to stay on nights. There are issues with the daycare because there are no daycares that we have found in the area that will take a child EOW. They lose out on money that way because a spot is taken up and unless they happen to find another EOW student on opposite weeks (which is very unlikely) they won't voluntarily lose that money. Also, DH leaves for work around 2-3p and I can't get home until 6p. I would pick up SS from daycare and drop him off in the mornings. It wasnt ideal, but we thought it would work.
Mediation went well for both BM and DH though. He didnt get 50/50 because it wasn't practical for many issues already stated and I stopped volunteering myself to babysit.. I decided I do not have a bio child yet and I want to enjoy my free time still.
BM is not against 50:50 at all if she doesn't lose time to me basically. DH and I are trying to move closer to BM and when we do we will just go back for a modification. Hopefully by then, DH schedule will be better and we can prove SS can have stability at both homes. BM has no issues with how DH cares for SS as she has let us have him for overnights since he was 2 months old. I hate to say I understand now after all this, but BM says she has nothing against me but if a bio parent is free, then it makes sense for the child to be with the bio parent. I do not have an bio kids yet but I know I would feel the same way.
In the end, I'm okay with everything. The few extra hundred dollars a months coming from DH paycheck are worth my time. I probably would have resented SS and been mad that I volunteered to be babysitting step mom every other week.
The kid will be in day care
The kid will be in day care all day then with SM at night. He really won't be spending time with dad during his time there. If mom works during the day, she is with the child after work.
Based on dad's work schedule the kid being in day care, it appears that CS is the reason for the change.
That's assuming the BD won't
That's assuming the BD won't consider revising the daycare schedule to spend more time with his kid.
I agree. But based on the
I agree.
But based on the current set up, if I were in BM's shoes, I'd fight this.
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If I was the BM in this
If I was the BM in this situation and my ExH was not going to be around and it would mainly be his wife watching my child, I would fight it tooth and nail. No way. Sorry. But the way I see it, I did not make a baby for some lady in the future to raise.
If hubby is not around, then the baby needs to stay with the mom.