DO YOU HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION FROM YOUR SPOUSE TO GET ANYTHING DONE?
Yesterday, I received an awesome estimate to replace our 30+ year old windows to all new windows installed throughout our home. I was approved for the financing, but I thought I would talk it over with DH before I signed the contract. DH hit the roof, we both said a lot of hurtful things, and then DH informed me that I NEED HIS permission to get a major project like this done in our home! I was literally shocked!!!!
For some reason, my mind went back in time to our first BIG argument after we bought our home. His adult kids came over while the cable company was installing TV/internet (keep in mind I pay for this bill) and SD30 said “Daddy, you better stop her from doing this; she’s controlling YOUR home!” and of course, DH said nothing, whereas I said “this is my home and I will have cable!” I think this is where the Golden Eggs and I started not liking each other!!!
Since our argument yesterday, I have been thinking over the past 10 years that it’s almost like a “beg and plead” to get anything man-related (plumbing, painting, wiring etc.) done around the house. Sometimes it will take 30-60 days to get anything “manly” done around the house. So last year I stopped begging and pleading. If DH didn’t get certain things done around the house after the 60 days “waiting period”, I would hire someone and get the job done. Sorry to say this but weeks would pass before DH even knew I hired someone.
So now stepping outside of the box, I could understand where DH’s negative “Fred Flintstone” attitude is coming from regarding the windows. I personally thought that he would be happy that I am trying to improve our home as well as footing the bill. But since the holidays are coming, DH has the attitude of “my kids are coming home” and now everything is HIS way no ifs, ands, or buts!!! Last week it took DH 4 days to install ONE basement window, and not only is there one hell of a mess, but now there are holes in the wall all around the window area that now have to be plastered and painted.
So my question to all my ST family – have anyone of you ever had to ask for “permission” to do things around the house, big or small projects? If so, how did you handle it? DH is going to be out of town next month for about 2 weeks, and I am seriously thinking about having my windows installed!!!
Thanks for listening to me vent!
Permission????? NEVER. Mutual
Permission????? NEVER. Mutual discussion, all the time.
He sounds like a control freak. And what his kids said to you all those years ago was so inappropriate.
thanks! I'm still dealing
thanks! I'm still dealing with the ask permission comment. And yes, he's somewhat of a control freak. It's almost like his kids are talking through him, if you know what I mean?!
Just do it !!!!! What does
Just do it !!!!!
What does his kids coming home have anything to do with replacing the windows.
If you have someone do the windows they clean up everything !!!
That's improving the value of your home ... That should be no question. IF you can afford it ~ it is it going to be a burden financially then your wrong ...
Easy, I just got off the
Easy, I just got off the phone with the window contractor. He's coming back to the house on Monday afternoon (when DH is home) and going over everything contract-wise. Yep, I think I am getting new windows!
Did you know that DH did NOT ask MY permission to combine work and HIS KIDS visit next month???
Step, you have me laughing.
Step, you have me laughing. I don't do botox (sorry!)
Thanks Fight. Of course I
Thanks Fight. Of course I keep my receipts for everything. With the window guy coming on Monday (with a real window and not a picture in the book) I'm hoping it might change DH's mind. And yes, DH is a slacker!!!
OMG NO NO NO!!!! BM never
OMG NO NO NO!!!! BM never lived here or has been in our home!!!! I definitely would NOT be here if that was the case.
Apparently, when DH and BM were married HE made all the decisions and I guess (I'm being a smartass here) she bowed and said "yes sir!" Unfortunately for DH, I don't bow!!
I just don't get the "ask permission first" mentality. The guy came out, gave me an estimate, I got finance approved, THEN I sat down and talked to DH. We'll see what Monday brings with new estimates.
Long time Ditz. I agree 100%
Long time Ditz. I agree 100% on talking with the other spouse regarding major finance purchases, and that is why I discussed it with DH first before I signed the contract. But for him to say "I need his permission!" that blew my mind and is totally unacceptable to me as his wife.
And yes, he's a control freak!!!
Wait....this is coming out of
Wait....this is coming out of your pocket and not joint funds? And he feels you need his permission??
I would inform H of my plans and ask for any input (mainly because he's in the building and restoration biz) but ask his permission if I was using my own money?
BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Ummmm...no...
The new windows will save on
The new windows will save on heating and cooling - eventually paying for themselves. DH and I put new windows in our last house - the difference (no drafts, lower electricity bill)was wonderful. DH and I usually agree on major purchases like you do but he has never told me he would not give me 'permission' to do something. He DOES drag his feet when it comes to getting some jobs done. If it doesn't get done soon enough for my taste, I start the job myself - and his ego takes over. LOL
But I agree with the above statement - if it is coming out of your own pocket, he has no say what-so-ever.
the contractor said I would
the contractor said I would have at least 8 guys here working at the same time but in different rooms doing the installation. Should take about 8 hours AND they clean up their entire mess.
And I agree - NO to Lowes!!!
I'm having the contractor
I'm having the contractor come back out on Monday and he's bringing a sample window and sit down and talk with both me and DH again. I know I should have done this in the first place, but a friend of mine just got her windows installed that day, and her contractor came right over and gave me a price quote.
As for my reply when DH said I needed his permission, it goes without saying - I don't him to f**k off!
Cat, you understand perfectly
Cat, you understand perfectly what I have been going through!!! I'm just done waiting for things to get done around here.
I discuss things with my DH
I discuss things with my DH and get his opinion, but I don't need his permission to do anything.
I guess I am lucky. My DH
I guess I am lucky. My DH will work and work to make it in working order. However ..... I want a complete kitchen reno. With my plans it may involve ripping out drywall and re-siting things like the oven and kitchen sink. So this is not something I can do next week or even next year. If I want it reno'd he said I get one shot at it so make it exactly as you want it because there is no going back. Fair enough. But he knows it IS coming.
My aunt and uncle had a re-vamp house. An old villa they worked on for 20+ years. My uncle was dragging his feet about fixing one of the last little things. After 6 months my aunt got someone in (who had the job done in 2 hours). My uncle was not happy. But she pointed out it is done, she paid for it and now he doesn't have to worry about it.
You DH needs to consider how much warmer his kiddie-winkles will be when they trudge through 6 ft of snow to stay in your nice warm cosy home in winter. Not to mention the lower heating bill. Or tell him the next time he wants to use the toilet paper YOU buy he better damned well ask permission before wiping his arse. What a wanker...
I like the toilet paper
I like the toilet paper comment! lol
Permission? No. Input and
Permission? No. Input and opinions? Yes!
This sounds to me to be a fairly common miscommunication/understanding issues. You did not start a home improvement project. You requested some estimates.
DH is way over reacting IMHO but ..... you would have been well served to have discussed it with him before hand, told him when you were going to have someone come do it if he did not get it done, then executing.
My own parents are working through a remodle on their now 15yr old retirement home. There have been some frustrations on both sides but generally they are working together and are aligned on the basics.
Reset, engage on the window topic, and work out an agreed plan forward to getting new windows.
It sounds to me that both of you are not focusing on the goal (new windows)and are allowing the glass to get in the way of the windows (forest/trees, Aligators/draining the swamp, etc....)
I think these situations require prior discussion, set a date, it gets done as discussed, or ............ it is outsourced as discussed.
Just about like you seem to always have been doing it.
Rags, you're right. I'm
Rags, you're right. I'm putting this subject on hold until Monday when the contractor comes back out and DH can see for himself. I personally think I did the right thing by NOT signing the contract before talking to DH; after all, it was JUST AN ESTIMATE but I don't think DH sees it that way.
Major expenses like this
Major expenses like this should be a joint decision if they are being paid for with joint funds. Same thing with buying the Mercedes, etc. Going out and buying a washer, no big thing.
But, if you are wealthy, the house is yours and you are paying for the improvement without taking from the family funds, etc. Then by all means go ahead.
Also, in my case even though I own the house etc., I would still consult with DH about putting in all the new windows at that amount. We are a team, and even if I were paying on the windows, I would at least like his input. Makes him feel that he counts with me.....and he does. We make our traveling plans together as well. But that is just my humble opinion.
If what you have are double
If what you have are double paned and noble gas filled then the benefits are only marginal to upgrade. Occassionally the seal for a nitrogen filled double pane panel will fail. Replace only the panes that start to cloud and have water condence between the glass. Cheap and easy.
Low E, etc, etc, etc..... are great if you have them when the home is purchased but offer only marginal improvements over a builder's grade if that is what you have.
I have worked as an all lines adjuster and have purchased countless $hundreds of thousands of replacements for windows damaged in hurricane, windstorm, hail, tornado prown areas. According to several of my policy holders the biggest improvement is found when replacing casement or single pane window units with a double pane unit. Replacing a double pane unit with an improved double pain unit does not gain all that much benefit in insulation or energy consumption.
At least in my experience.
I do now have permission but
I do now have permission but it took him nearly killing himself to realize he needed help. The stay at the mental hospital and months of therapy helped get his head in order as to the reality of the issues and that I was on his side !
My husband is an absolute
My husband is an absolute penny pincher so I an see this being our situation. We had a similar situation several years back actually. We bought this house with no back yard so I thought it would be great to put in plants and an in-ground water system....where we lived was dry and sprinkles weren't going to work. I found cheap work to put in the sod and do the piping for the under ground sprinkling system. He hit the roof with the plants. [Really?] When we sold the house, which we did profit from,it was the plants/landscaping that sold the house and as much as I wanted to rub into hubby's face I knew it would do no good. The new owners loved what I had done to the outside of the house.
It seems much like the same situation here.
I feel your pain. I think my
I feel your pain. I think my DH would live in a shack. He would rather piss money away on looking like the big dog. I sent you a message...good luck.