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SD every weekend...kinda tired of it...

Delphi's picture

So I didn't realize what a pain in the ass it would be to have SD every weekend. But it's the situation I now find myself in. My DH wanted it that way - wanted more time with her - which I respected, at first. Now I just resent it. I resent it because fricken BM gets every damn weekend off. I resent it because BM makes absolutely NO concessions for us when we need time off. I resent it because SD wants to plan each weekend around her time and her time with her friends which requires driving 45 min each way to her various friends' house. I resent all of it. Quite frankly I'm tired of living this way. But I know DH would NEVER go to every other weekend, nor would BM.

Anyone else stuck in a similar situation? I am really pissed at myself for getting into such a bind...

Delphi's picture

Just want to add --> The other thing that annoys me is that she does NO CHORES when she's here each weekend. I'm the cleaning woman. I clean the bathrooms (no one else does) - she thinks it's disgusting. I guess she's too much of a princess to fricken lift a finger. She's 13 by the way. I was cleaning bathrooms by the time I was 7. So what - is that what "marriage" is about? Working all week, then coming home to clean up after everyone? I'm so sick of it!!! Plus I now make 20k more than my husband - so I can't even say he's the breadwinner. I keep wondering, how did it get this way?

BadStepMomMDFL's picture

Run Run Run Now! Trust me, it will never get any better. There is no such thing as compromise, or wanting what is best for YOUR relationship. It is only that spoiled brat who matters. I was in your exact situation. I asked for 1 weekend per month, and it was too much time away from the precious prince SS. You will never matter. Leave, and find a relationship that brings you no stress, peace, and happiness.

Kat67's picture

That was my situation a few years ago but it has since changed to eowe which would be great except BF works when his kid isn't here and takes off when he is so we never get a weekend a lone anyway. I am so pissed at myself for getting involved in this and for staying...9 months left on our lease, hoping to save eniugh to leave in 6 though. I'll pay the last 3 months upfront.. my busy season is winter so i need make eniugh to do this without ruining my credit. Good luck, it does totally suck. I take lots of trips with my gf''s or alone. In fact now i prefer that.

Delphi's picture

Well at least you're not married! Good for you for looking out for yourself and for having an exit strategy. 6 months isn't that long - you're almost there!

Aeron's picture

Disengagement might need to be your new best friend. DH wants her every weekend? Cool. She's his kid, she's his responsibility, you go do whatever you want. I don't know what your housing arrangement is like but why isn't he cleaning up after his kid? Cleaning after her in the bathroom isn't any less gross for you and you aren't the one that really wants her there so hand daddy the scrub brush.

Stop allowing Your time to be dictated by her. She wants to spend time with her friends? Go talk to dad, it's not your problem. You do. Not need to cart her around. You do not need to even be there for the weekend. Go out with your friends, go see a movie, go to a coffee shop. Whatever. But start making yourself unavailable to them. DH might be way less on board with having her Every weekend if he has to do it all himself. Don't make a big deal out of it, just suddenly start being busy or sick or whatever.

The housework on the other hand.... There should be a come to Jesus meeting. You both work, he needs to step his game up around the house. Particularly if it's His kid making the mess. If you can, ignore the messes she makes. If you can't, make him clean it up. I was the cleaner too. Then SD Trashed the bathroom in two days. I refused to clean it. DH had a total stupid moment - it must not have been all that clean when she came. I shrugged and said whatever, I'm not cleaning it again. We had friends over, DH hadn't cleaned it, they were Appalled, DH was embarrassed and I said sorry, I'm not cleaning up after someone else's teenage daughter. He Scrubbed it before her next visit. It was perfect. She trashed it again. He went ballistic. He apologized. Suddenly she had to start cleaning up after herself.

Delphi's picture

Thanks Aeuron - I agree with your advice. Disengaging is the only effective way to go. And I do need to get DH to step up around the house. I asked him about 6 months ago if SD could do some chores - he said he'd give her some - of course it never happened. I don't want to be a "nag" - but I resent being put in the position of having to nag. Guess I'll just have to *ask* him again. And I shouldn't clean the bathrooms all the time - I swear - in the past year I'm the ONLY who's TOUCHED the bathrooms. It's just annoying having to clean up after everyone's sh*t all the time. Sad

simifan's picture

men are inherently lazy. She will continue to get away with this until you make it difficult for him.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I have mine every day.....every day. Meh. I feel your pain.

Delphi's picture

Well - it's more than that. It's that she does no chores when she's here - that was the second part of my complaint. Trust me. I give them plenty of 1 on 1 time. I know kids eat into a couple's private time - obviously. BUT - it's different when you're a SM vs. a Bio-Mom. A bio-mom has a say, she has rights, she has the ability to say things to the kids and usually, the kids have to follow-through. A SM has the "ability" to say those things too - but it goes in one ear and out the other. It's very easy to say he's "not the man for me because this is not the situation for me." Very well. But we don't know the "situation" until we live it. True we know about it. But until you LIVE it, it's a different story. And I don't blame SD for being here every weekend. What I do have a problem with, is every weekend revolving around her - her sleepovers, play-dates, etc. I see my husband 5 days a week. Right. But after 9 hours of work each day and after cooking, cleaning and then an hour or two before it starts all over again. It'd be nice to have a weekend where WE - my husband and I - have 1-1 time alone together. I don't blame the SD for all of it - I blame by DH for 80% as he should try a little harder to make the weekends about things he and I do together. I blame SD 20% as she's old enough to pick up after herself, clean her room, wash her plates or AT LEAST put them in the dishwasher. But she doesn't lift a finger. So yeah - I do hold her culpable for some things. And yes - I have mentioned all of this to DH - on multiple occasions.

Shaman29's picture

Her complaint isn't so much about having her every weekend. It's the fact both her DH and her skid treat the home like a hotel and the OP like the chief cook, bottle-washer and cruise director.

Both adults work full time but she's the one maintaining the house and cleaning up after a child that is not hers. It's not about getting attention from her DH, it's about her DH treating her with more respect.

She's not disputing the fact her DH should be spending time with his kid. She's frustrated because of the way she's being treated.

Dizzy's picture

Is there a relative nearby that could keep SD overnight or for an evening so you and DH could have a date night? It's not normal or healthy to have a kid think that everything revolves around her, when she is there. That kind of thing is normal, and she should get used to it...this COD, Disney-Dad dynamic is not healthy for any of you.

Delphi's picture

Nope - unfortunately not...we have her every night - night and day - every weekend, unless she has a sleepover. And when she's here our life revolves around what she wants to do for the night.

Delphi's picture

It doesn't really "work for them." DH resents BM all the time. BM doesn't WANT to see her daughter - and she does everything in her power to make sure that her life isn't "inconvenienced" by her child. Matter of fact - when DH'S FATHER WAS DYING she refused to take SD (this happened before I knew or even met DH) - she said to him "I understand you have family difficulties right now, but you can't expect me to change my plans - this is what we agreed on." DH saved the voicemail and played it for me. His Dad was dying, and he had to make arrangements for someone else to take DH that weekend as he needed to be at the hospital when his Dad died. That's just ONE example of how BM is the epitome of selfishness. And yes - SD is old enough to stay home alone for a date night - but she won't. She's scared to (makes no sense to me either). So we NEVER get a date night on a weekend. Or ANY time alone. She can't be alone more than 2 hours.

QueenBeau's picture

Really? That's odd, when my grandfather died my mom stayed home with us while my dad went to say his final goodbyes.

They're still married til this day.

BM has her child on the 5 days a week she can send her to school for majority of the day & she goes to work I'm guessing. not actually having to deal with the kid. weekdays we have SD are significantly easier than weekends, when she is all up in our face like "HEY WHAT R WE DOING TODAY?!!" lol.

Most parents wouldn't give up every weekend without a fight. I wouldn't give up every single weekend with my child.

onthefence2's picture

"BM has her child on the 5 days a week she can send her to school for majority of the day & she goes to work I'm guessing. not actually having to deal with the kid. weekdays we have SD are significantly easier than weekends, when she is all up in our face like "HEY WHAT R WE DOING TODAY?!!" lol."

I was wondering how long it would take before someone pointed this out. Dad gets almost as much time with her as Mom does. The only difference is Mom is required for more meals. But this is so true. I homeschool my kids and work at home. It is hard dealing with them all day, and I have good kids. My ex bf who has one child 50/50 and goes to work all day tried to point out how his situation was worse/harder than mine. Ummmmmm, NO. Maybe on an emotional level, but not as far as EVERYTHING else. Kids are work. I told him, "Double the number of kids you have, quadruple the number of activities/sports you drive them to, oh yeah, AND take them to work with you all day." Shut him up real quick.

Anyway, start seeing weekdays as possibilities. I grew up being taught that we worked for the weekends. After work, you just ate, watched TV, and went to bed. The weekends were made for fun. It took me years to undo that, and I've been happier living each day in some way how *I* want. Date your man during the week.

Disneyfan's picture

LOL

Wait until your son starts school. Believe me, you won't feel the sane about school and work then. Weekends are a breeze compared to dealing with homework, morning/evening routines...

Shaman29's picture

Excuse me.....my H saw his kid 4 days a week.....and as she got older maybe 2 days a week.

She's 19 now and they have a great father/daughter relationship.

It is possible for a parent to spend a limited amount of time with their kids and still have a good relationship.

QueenBeau's picture

People on here are so harsh lately!

I understand your pain. Having a child every weekend, all your down time, yet still seeing CS go out the window & having none of the perks of beng the CP is hard I'm sure.

I think the best advice is agree to getting a babysitter like once a month for a date night. It can be later in the evening, like from 8-10 so that your DH doesn't miss a lot of time with SD. Or you could try on a Sunday night if SD goes back to her BM Sunday night?

Even people with their own biokids find time for dates. They don't take all their dates during the week. They also don't have to deal with a part time kid that does no chores & thinks that the world revolves around them. That comparison is such a "I only know about nuclear families" thing to say. :sick:

Delphi's picture

I never said I "don't want the kid there" - your words not mine - don't put words in my mouth.

And congratulations - you're harsh. Not sure why. I believe there is a happy medium - I don't have it. That's why I'm complaining. I do believe this site is called "steptalk" where STEPPARENTS come to vent. So that's what I'm doing - venting. As I should. That's what the site is here for.

Delphi's picture

Seriously - and thank you. I see the future as SD only coming here every other weekend anyway. All her friends are in the other town now, and she's bored most of the time here. Lately she's been wanting to go back Sunday night - which is good as it spares DH and SD from getting up at the crack of dawn to drive all the way to the other town (45 mins away).

I think it'd be better for everyone - but we'll see.

QueenBeau's picture

I'd imagine they work 5 days a week.

Who wants to spend 2 days every week catering too, being cook, maid, etc to a child that isn't theres?

It's like you've been doing this weird projecting thing onto every blog or post you've commented on lately. Making a situation into what you want to make it into then getting rude. she never said she didn't want the kid there. you didn't touch on her other problems (her home basically being a vacation resort for skid, skid doing zero chores etc). You went straight to shaming her. That's not being helpful, that's being hateful.

OP feel free to vent.

Delphi's picture

Thank you QueenBeau - glad to see someone else "gets" it. Smile Of course I know I'm not alone in my gripe - many stepparents feel the same way as I do.

Disneyfan's picture

BM's SO may gripe that dad doesn't have to do any of the hard parenting. While BM's household is stuck dealing with homework,projects, enforcing bed times, making sure kid is up and out of the house on time...... dad gets to kick back wnd just have fun with the kid.

hereiam's picture

I have to admit, I would have hated having my SD every weekend. Especially, if a lot of that weekend was spent running her around to her friends, BM can do that just as well. I mean, if she's not going to spend that time with her dad, what is the point?

If your DH doesn't want to go to every other weekend, he could at least not pick her up until Saturday on a weekend here and there so you can at least have a partial weekend together. Or, if she has plans with her friends for the weekend, she stays at BM's. I assume her friends live closer to BM's, anyway.

My SD did not have chores (although she would help DH with things sometimes) but we only had her EOWE, so as long as she cleaned up after herself, I was fine with that.

Delphi's picture

I know - that's what I wonder about BM. Why did she have a daughter when she never wants her around? She doesn't see her hardly at all on weekdays. She works in an industry where she's often not home until very late on weekdays and leaves her with a babysitter. I don't get it. As for DH - he DOES want her around - but SD holes up in her room all weekend texting on her phone. She doesn't want to hang with Dad - only wants to see friends and have sleepovers. That's fine with me. Trouble is friends are 45 mins. away each way. When we take her out to do things with the two of us she's bored - or now, she just wants to stay in her room. But again, we can only be gone 2 hours tops or she's afraid to be home alone. It all kinda sucks. I guess now that she's 13 she wants to be with her friends, but again, we can't be carting her back and forth all weekend because she doesn't want to do anything social around here. It's really a problem between DH and BM - they should have lived closer together but when BM cheated on DH she wanted to live next to the dude she was banging - so that's why things are how they are.

Aeron's picture

She isn't talking about every Other weekend. She's saying they have SD Every weekend.

I didn't realize that involvement in school is the only time one can be carrying the parenting load. I guess since my kid isn't in school yet I don't parent. Wow, that's really good to know...

While it certainly does sound like dad is way falling down on the job because his kid has no chores, life revolves completely around her etc, the OP isn't being some crazy wench here. She doesn't love that this kid is in her home every single weekend, making a mess, not even cleaning up after herself, only wanting them to be taxis, and entertainment providers.... She sounds like she has a big problem with her DH, not just the SD and she has said Nothing that is unreasonable. OP doesn't want to just be the chief cook and bottle washer in her house. I bet that if dad and Sd stepped up their game in oh I don't know! helping to take care of their crap around the house! she wouldn't be so bothered about the kid being there every weekend.

OP didn't elaborate a whole lot on what DH is expecting her to do around the driving and the cooking and all, but it sounds like there could be some seriously unrealistic expectations coming from him and SD. I wouldn't want to deal with that every weekend either, regardless of date nights whenever or how much. BM saw the kid. Tho I too think it's weird that a parent wouldn't ever want their kid on a weekend.

ocs's picture

You're kidding right?

Both my husband and I are professionals and YES, it is VERY difficult to squeeze in a date night mid week.

Every situation is different, but it is incredibly condescending to assume no heavy lifting is done. I think OP had every right to vent

Kat67's picture

For the first 5 years of 50/50 custody and the kid's life my bf had his kid every single weekend, bm offered up 50% custody because she didn't want to be a full time single mom. At this point i actually spend more time with her child than she does so yes it happens. They divorced when he was 4 months old so even as an infant bf's son spent 2 days during the week and every fri sat sun til 9 am w my bf. When bf needed help if he couldn't find a sitter for work, it's pretty much all he does, bm would charge him for daycare. Yes when i moved in w him they still had that arrangement, i told he was crazy and should just hire a fulltime sitter. SO not every bm wants to have their kid around. In the last 3 years bm has gone to europe 3 times for 10 days each trip and several vacas in between of course without her kid and Honestly i totally get it, she really never wanted to be a mom and wants to have a life. So her parents have him a lot. She has her own studio apt in the city that she lives in when he is with us and stays w her parents on her days. I am not complaining it's not my business what she does w her kid, I am just saying it's highly possible that the bm doesn't want op's sd around on the weekends. It changed some when he started school for some reason and she offered to take eowe. Who knows why lol btw i don't do any cleaning of kid or bf's stuff, no laundry, no bedroom cleaning, and we all share bathroom so bf and take i turns cleaning that. I refuse to be anyone's maid.

MommyNotMommy's picture

Wait, she charged your BF for watching her own kid?? Omg! It annoys me when people talk about 'babysitting' their own children but wow that takes the cake.

unluckytwin's picture

OP, I get what you're saying--and I hope you won't let one important thing slip through the rest of this thread: it's not healthy for kids to be taught that the world revolves around them. I know you're disengaging (good choice) but it'd be good if someone could get through to Dad. That means that A. she cleans up after herself, and B. if she must go to a sitter because she's too scared to stay alone, that may just happen if the adults have things they need to do (like date night).

My SO was reluctant to ever get a sitter when he had SD. I mostly didn't ask him to except for the occasional event that fell on SD's time and couldn't be delayed until we were SD-less, like a friend's wedding or a Broadway show coming through town. People always talk about how if WE want to be with these men, we must make accommodations for them, but if THEY want to be with US, they should, too. They make these parenting plans before we come into the picture and rarely do they consider whether the plan works for US once we live with them. So I worked on convincing SO (thankfully, he took to it after not much struggle) that yeah, he's a dad, but he's also my PARTNER, and that means occasionally, I need him to accommodate me, too. There's a drop-in center a few miles away that's open nights and weekends and has a room full of technology for the older kids, so we bring her there occasionally. And you know what? She lives, and has fun.

Pick something--start slow if you must--like 1 date night per month, or 1 every other week. Explain to him how much more fulfilling it is to have a date night on the weekend when you haven't just gotten home from working all day and need to cook dinner and get to bed early. Find a way to communicate to him--through telling him or, if need be, making his life a wee difficult--that he can choose between shipping a kid off to do something fun for 2 hours and making his wife VERY happy or he can keep little princess close and expect problems in his relationship with you.

My SO decided it was important to show his kid what a good relationship looks like. Obviously he didn't have one with her mom, and her mom is single (we think), so he has an opportunity to model for her something she might not learn anywhere else. Taking his lady out for some alone time is sometimes part of that deal. Maybe your DH would also like his kid to see what a healthy, thriving, romantic relationship looks like--it's not healthy for her to think the kids are the center of the world (as a kid herself right now, and--possibly--as a future wife and mother--you bet she will want HER husband to take her out on the weekends sometime).

jumanji's picture

Just a question... There's been a lot of talk regarding SD's lack of chores. But.... what does DAD do around the house? Does he do any cleaning? Cooking? Laundry?

Needalifeboat's picture

I understand your frustration OP, it's the same here. SO has every weekend. My 3 are here Sat night to Thurs after school. His are here Fri to Sun. We have kids every day without the benefits of being a nuclear family. Everything happens on weekends. Friends want to have dinner or grab a drink. If parents in a nuclear family wanted to get a a sitter and hit dinner and a movie on a sat night no one would judge. If we want to get a sitter for skids on a Sat night we suck because he only sees them on weekends. Can't win.

Usually the only time we don't have the weekend is for a major event, like a wedding. We have only Thurs nights free and most days SO gets home from work at 8. Not much opportunity for a "date night." Giving up every weekend for kids is hard. And I think BM giving up every weekend sucks honestly. We do homework here on weekends, help with homework over the phone during the week. She gets every fri and sat night to do whatever the heck adult stuff she wants kid free. Yes, it makes me angry. I won't apologize for that and you shouldn't either.

silversong's picture

"If we want to get a sitter for skids on a Sat night we suck because he only sees them on weekends."

-- So much this. I am the more social one so when I suggest kid free weekend activities DH is hesitant and it makes me feel guilty.

silversong's picture

dupe

Delphi's picture

Amen!!! Biggrin I'm not going to apologize for my feelings - I have them - and this situation - it sucks. Plus BM is a royal pain in our ass. She wouldn't even take SD on our wedding night - she ended up staying with friends so we could go to a hotel. God forbid that woman EVER be inconvenienced. Even though she cheated for YEARS with my husband's BEST MAN at his wedding - and she's still with that a**hole now but she won't marry him because then she wouldn't be able to play the "single mom" crap role she *pretends* to be. The reality is, she lives right around the corner from that a** and she works with him - and they're together constantly - but she'll never marry him (she takes his money though - plenty of that).

silversong's picture

I feel your pain OP. We have skid every weekend. It is frustrating at times, and it's hard to say exactly why because he's a pretty good kid. In my situation, it's tough because skid lives an hour away from us. That means that every Friday evening revolves around picking him up, and every Sunday revolves around dropping him off (BM does absolutely NO transportation). Honestly I think that is where a lot of my resentment lies. DH is good about disciplining and making sure that weekends aren't like skid just visiting a hotel.

I also get frustrated because I don't understand why BM wouldn't want some weekend time with her child, especially now that he's in school (before he was in school, she had weekdays off and got her time in then).

In my perfect world, we would have week on/week off visitation. However, it won't work because as stated before, skid lives an hour away and is obviously not in the same school district.

Evil stepmonster's picture

No No, this will never do. You need your time too. If he can't take a weekend here and there off to treat you then treat yourself. Go out with friends, have a spa day. I would think he could at least compromise every other Friday being date night for yall and he could pick up SD on Sat. It's not very fair that you work all week then have to work all weekend on a job you never applied for.