Terrible 5 year old
I am a newish stepmon (1 year). I have been with my husband for awhile but we have known each other our entire lives. I knew him when he had his child and have know her since she was a baby. When we got together she was mostly well behaved for a small child. But now that she is five everything is a fight. If she wants a different cereal that we dont have. If we get cheese pizza instead of pepperoni (even though all she does is pick off the pepperoni). If she is not allowed to watch tv. If we ask her to pick up her room a bit. Literally everything she doesnt want to do involves her bursting into tears. So when she throw a fit we send her to her room and tell her she can have something when she calms down. But instead of calming down and getting something she wants. She screams and crys and punches her door over and over and breaks her own things. We have tried everything from talking and being calm to spanking and everywhere in between but she just will not listen or behave.
Also we have never rewarded any of her tantrums, if she does it in a store we leave without getting her anything, if she has one at home she has to go calm down in her room before she is allowed to color or watch a show or anything fun. But she still has them all the time. We try really hard to go out and do things with her because we feel like she is unhappy but when we go to the playground or the park no matter how long we stay she throws a fit when we leave and it makes it hard to take her because she can't behave there either.
And shes doesnt have your normal, crying and throwing a fit. This little girl will hit you.
I know my husband is a good father. My SD has everything a kid could ever want. But my SD biomom has some behavioral problems i think that she inherited. I went to school with her biomom and the first day of class her biomom went to the stapler and stapled her finger on purpose.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with an insane child? Im really hoping its just a 5 year old phase and she will grow out of it but its really putting a strain on my marriage.
SD7 was throwing crying fits
SD7 was throwing crying fits this summer when she was living with us when she didn't get her way. It wasn't as bad as yours sounds but still inappropriate for her age. We told her that she is a big girl and that big girls don't cry when they don't get what they want. we told her that every time she cries for not getting her way she would go straight to her room for a nap/time out (which ever was more appropriate). We then followed through with this consistently and followed up with a conversation with her about alternative ways she could have reacted other than crying to the situation that would have prevented her going into time out. So say I refused to play with her because I was busy, I point out she could have gone to ask dad to play with her, she could have played with xyz toys, she could have asked me or dad for ideas for something to do...all of which would have been better than crying and getting put into time out.
We know that SD can make herself cry on demand, we have seen her do it so we don't automatically bow to her tears or watery eyes. Now if she looks like she is about to cry we will remind her that if she cries she will go to her room because she shouldn't be crying for not getting what she wants. Most times this works.
The other thing that is worth doing is making sure she is getting enough sleep. I know that when SD7 is tired the tantrums are much more likely.
I know you say that you don't reward her for her tantrums but sometimes we still are even when we think we aren't. My husband used to go and "calm" SD down if she was crying for too long in time out and then she would invariably get cuddles and attention from dad be it helping him in the kitchen or being allowed to calm down while watching tv. He used to claim that it was better than her getting worked up. I tried to point it out to him time and again, eventually one evening we played the time out by my rules and he saw how it can work. And SD now knows that crying for not getting her way won't be tolerated and has learnt to control her emotions and find better ways to deal with her problems.
My SD lives with us full
My SD lives with us full time. Shes never even met her mother. But shes know i am not her mother.
We completely ignore her when she is having a fit. No calming her down. She has to calm herself down. But even when we ignore her she will go on for over an hour. I think she needs to see a therapist to see if she has autism or some emotional developmental problem but my husband wont hear of it.
The second she starts "making the face" and is about to cry we tell her "there is no cry allowed out here if you want to cry you can go in your room until you calm down" then she explodes about not wanting to go to her room. Im just at my wits end. I have tried everything that has been suggested to us.
When she asks to do something that we don't want her too like watching tv after shes had too much i try to do things like "hey how about we color instead, or we play outside instead." But she is stubborn as stubborn can be.
Well i assume the BM gave
Well i assume the BM gave birth to her so they did meet once but SD was taken away in the hospital and my husband has full custody.
Yep. Been in kindergarten for
Yep. Been in kindergarten for about a month. And since then things have only gotten worse.
You know if she was my blood
You know if she was my blood i would probably do that, haha. But shes not. I cant treat her badly in any way. Today has been just awful. She will not stop crying at all. We have told her to lay in her bed and calm down and shes not even screaming, she just laying there sobbing because we were trying to teach her to read a clock instead of just telling her the time and it makes us feel horrible. But we cant give in. Whether shes really upset or just faking it. It just make me feel like a terrible step mom and my husband feel like a terrible father because we don't like yelling or being harsh with her. But we have no idea what else to do.
My husband is against the
My husband is against the idea. And as only the lowly step mom his opinion trumps mine.
We cant afford not to have
We cant afford not to have her in school. We both work all day. Daycare cost money but school is free. Neither of us are home with her all day. But she has a 4 day weekend this week. But i would like to point out that she does not act this way with anyone else. The school says she is an angel. I dont think she is fearful. She really enjoys school and doesnt like it when we dont let her take the bus or we pick her up early.
I think she is frustrated and
I think she is frustrated and we try to give her different outlets for it. She has dance and karate. but honestly i think she likes crying.
Another problem is we dont
Another problem is we dont know why she is frustrated. We think its school but she seems to really like it. She wakes us up early and ask if its time for school and shes always ready to go before its even time from breakfast. Its the only thing that has changed. We thought she might be tired so we asked if she could take a nap with the other napping kids but that hasnt helped either.
What about a combination of
What about a combination of negative and positive reinforcement? Stick with the punishments you've been giving out already when she starts a tantrum. Now, add in some positive, if she can go a certain length of time without any tantrums, she get's a special treat, doesn't have to be major, but something she looks forward to. So when you see that tantrum coming you can maybe also say "you don't want to start a tantrum now, you're only X far away from getting XYZ!"
Just a thought...
We have tried that. It only
We have tried that. It only works for so long and then its "i didnt have a tantrum where is my treat" and then she throw a tantrum when we say things like "Oh but your a big girl now"
She also does this thing
She also does this thing where if she is super not getting her way then she turn its into "I'm Hungry" or if we are out it's "I have to go to the bathroom" just so she can feel like she is winning. So we don't give her food if she having a tantrum and we tell her to wait until she is calm if we are out. And then i feel kind of horrible not letting her eat or making her hold it. When she is being nice she can potty and eat as she pleases obviously. But we try really hard not to get her get control of the situation.
Wait - you tie using the
Wait - you tie using the toilet (while out) to her behavior? That's not right. Sorry.
Her screaming that she has to
Her screaming that she has to go to the bathroom in the middle of a tantrum is not ok. Most of the times she just gone to the bathroom. We know she is just using it to make herself feel more in control. No matter whats she asking for during a tantrum she does not get it.
Do you guys have a daily
Do you guys have a daily schedule or something for her? She sounds like she really needs a lot of structure and routine right now. She wants to control things, which means she feels out of control. It may not be so much a power-play as it might seem.
Maybe talking with her two or three times over the course of the day about what's happening next, what's expected of her, what the positive consequences will be and a reminder of the negative consequences will give her some reassurance.
Like at breakfast talk about the routine to get ready for school - so after breakfast what are you going to do? Get dressed, brush teeth, gather things for school! Yes, great SD. And when you do all of those things before x time, what do you get? A gold star on the calendar! And if you don't get those things done in time, what happens? No gold star, that's right. But you want as many gold stars as you can get, right? Why? Because if you have two gold stars every day, you can choose which movie we watch on Friday night after dinner! And if you have no stars one day, what happens? No tv at all that day, not nice.
Just an idea...