If in argument and what ever it was between you to is brought up and the original argument wasn't even about that, I think that classifies as a grudge.
In this case, pointing out that you would rather not go but send your well wishes is pointing out the pattern. At least in my opinion.

Serve him a food he's allergic to and when he refuses to eat it say, "You're just holding a grudge for the last time it gave you hives!"
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OK, the difference between the two is the first time you served him Food X and didn't know he was allergic to it cuz he didn't know, either. Him holding a grudge would be him refusing to eat any of your cooking ever again.

Him seeing a pattern would be if he willingly sat at your table repeatedly and time after time after time he found all his food laced with Food X after you both knew about the allergy. It might behoove him to notice this pattern and avoid your cooking before he ends up in the ER.

Holding a grudge involves feeling of being hurt n you chose not to tolerate that behavior any longer.

A pattern is just that ~ doing the same thing over n over again.

What you are dealing with is insantity.

Insantity is doing the same behavior over and over again expecting a different result.

Put it back on her! You are doing Twit a favor because you 'don't want to upset her'. Obviously, she has demonstrated many times in the past, by her remarks and her behavior, that you have caused what she sees as torment. You just want her to get well without any undue stress. How can DH argue with you when you are just being considerate of Twit? Right? LOL LOL

I don't believe that there is anything wrong with protecting yourself from a negative situation. We can always forgive but its ok not to forget.

Holding a grudge is rerunning the offending event(s) in your head and waiting for a chance to get even with the offending person. Think of a preditor waiting in the tree to pounce on the prey.

Protection is when you see that the offending event(s) as an indication of who the person is and you avoid letting them repeat the offending event(s). Think of the prey avoiding walking underneath any trees.

I love the line that I learned from a speaker for recovery - "Forgiveness is giving up the hope for a better past". I can forgive my step kids for money borrowed and not repaid, slights, cars crashed, parties at my home when I was not home, insults in the past, etc, etc, etc. I chose not to allow some people to have the opening to repeat any of these events.

Trust, once broken, can take a very long time to reearn but it is possible.

"Holding a grudge" is if you refuse to forgive a single incident. "Seeing a pattern and not letting it continue" is if you refuse to allow repeated behavior to continue.

While your DH is technically correct that "it's in the past", I'd remind him "those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it".

Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger.

You are not doing that, you are just not willing to give her an opportunity to continue to her nastiness to you. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. We are not talking about one incident, here, we are talking about WHO she is. That is different than something she did once.

If you were holding a grudge, your answer would have been a lot different, with some name calling and expletives involved.

SDM ~

My issue is this is a grown ass woman not a child. She needs to realize that her father is entitled to have a happy life for the remaining time he has on this earth.

The cycle in life ~ is something she is not willing to accept. As we grow older our relationship with our parents shift bc our parents are no longer responsible for you. The next phase is guidance and advice. She is married and should be acting like a married woman not a 15 year old kid.

Holding a grudge is:

One year at Thanksgiving she dumped the gravy boat into your lap and laughed about it. She's since apologized and offered to replace your skirt that was ruined by the gravy stains. You hate her and refuse to see her, even though she's tried making it up to you and has never been anything but nice since then.

Seeing a pattern is:

What your SD has done to you.

Driving, make a therapist appointment pronto! The fact he doesnt get it and is making it an issues (or YOU the problem) is something he used to do. He is getting sucked back into old repetative behaviours because twit is ill and as such deserves for everything to be swept under the rug. I understand his desire for one big happy family but these types of discussions get old dont they?!

I had years of my inlaws playing sick games (sil in particular), she is on/off best mates with bm and pulled some vile, nasty tricks on me. Throughout my dh would ignore it, blame me and the arguments were explosive. I had YEARS of it and now my pil at times play the "woe is me, Delilah, is being a bitch because she refuses to come to family events..." and dh would sometimes feed into that, even though he now doesnt really have much to do with sil. Its stomach churning that people cannot see how it may feel to be harassed, terrorised by a spiteful shrew for years and be the person blamed because you point it out. Nope, how dare you refuse to engage? How dare you not forgive? My sil asked to speak to me earlier this year (specifically to come to my home), just in time for when I was undergoing medical treatments. I considered it and thought "nah, what for? What does her excuse making 5 years after cutting her off, going to bring to my life? She lies, shes nasty and she wont change...what does SHE want, as am sure she wants something..." I later found out she was back to being busom buddies with bm, so likely she was playing fake to stir up trouble, to spy for bm. All she has done previously and thought was funny because no one holds her accountable. I personally cant and wont forget what she has done to me and mine, it would be stupid of me to do that, as she will never change.

If dh refuses to get this because he has stars in his eyes, as all he can see is sd is sick and mean ole SM wont bend over to be dropped kicked again (a visit will only encourage her crazy, like she needs any), then you need someone else to remind him of reality and YOUR damn right to peace. I love love peace, didnt realise how much until these emotional vampires declared war on me (my crime? Marrying dh). It took our therapist to ask dh what I had done to deserve such nasty behaviour...(dh:nothing)....what I had done in return to this vileness (dh:nothing)...then how long was I supposed to spend paying for doing nothing?

Dh now expects nothing from me when it comes to sil and bm. Rightly so. I want nothing to do with those mental, toxic whores. Nothing, except peace.

...

A grudge is when someone holds bad feelings against another person as a result of hurting them. If the person that hurt the other has made a sincere, heart felt attempt to mend ways and to take responsibility from the hurt that they caused and the person that was hurt refuses to accept their apology and holds it against them for the rest of their life, then that is what I call a grudge.
You have not held a grudge against twit. If anything, she is the one holding a grudge against you which is evident by all of the evil and nasty trash she sends your way. She has proven over and over again that she will not stop and she is on a mission to destroy your marriage. This is what I call holding a grudge and you are not guilty of this.
The grudge twit holds against you is the pattern.
This pattern if abuse is perpetrated by twit, not you. Unfortunately, twits minor surgery has caused your DH to regress. He's fingering you as the one who can't move on when in actuality it's his idiot daughter who can't. For crying out loud, she didn't have a quadruple bypass, she's just fine. This surgery was no big deal and I'm irritated for you that this is being turned into a bigger deal than it needs to be.
You've been subjected to a pattern of abuse and you never know what she's going to pull next so why would you want to visit her. C'mon DH!!!!! SDM--don't give in. It's not that your being stubborn, you are protecting yourself. This wasn't a minor argument between the two of you; it was twit attacking you and making up a bunch of lies (like she sent you a Mother's Day card). I sure hope you don't have to kick DH out again. Maybe he should go and take care of his poor little baby who had her minor elective surgery. Maybe a week by her side will remind him of what an awful beast this woman is.

You are refusing to be a doormat and the whipping post for his kid.

That is not holding a grudge. That is standing up for yourself since your fidiot husband is refusing to protect you from her actions.

Most people hate it when someone who has been quietly complacent takes a stand. Despite being treated like crap for years by the skids, the minute we refuse to be abused any longer we are the grudge holders. We are the bitches. We are the bad ones.

F**k him and the horse he rode in on....and his daughter too.

Driving. Yes, I can imagine your stomach has been in knots. Whenever the SIL/BM topic comes up, specifically they want DhS or mine attention, my brain literally freezes in fear, then its like a million thoughts flood my body and I feel like I am climbing tje walls. I actually physically feel ill. I have to consciously consider my reactions.

Its always great when you get validation, esp from an intelligent source, as it makes you feel calmer somehow. Google emotional terrorist. Like my sil, twit will likely fit the profile. They blame everyone else for their transgressions, its all about them, their feelings, their difficulties and they love hurting other people. In fact, if you refuse them access to actually hurt you, then thats a crime also! My sil went nutso when dh told her to get lost. We were bombarded with texts for days and days, we couldnt amd wouldnt ignore her children, so any gifts we gave them was also viewed as an opportunity to contact us and tell us what stingy losers we were with the crappy gifts we gave her kids. Shes a nasty skank who thinks nothing of using her friends to sleep with their husbands behind their backs, and cant keep friends for long (wonder why).

I think any person can make a mistake but its how they deal with that mistake which determines what kind of person they are.

From what I've read your DH will never understand the situation and sees this as YOUR problem not a problem that involves SD. Start by taking out anything in your conversations that make it "personal" between you and SD.

"I have told him that I am very glad things went well for her, but I would not feel comfortable going down there." This statement makes it personal. Depersonalize the whole thing by saying something like, "I'm glad things went well for her! I already made plans for _________ ." And go get your hair done or whatever. If you really want to be gracious send DH with a box of chocolates and a card for her. You're busy, hope they have a great visit, "give SD my best."

When DH goes to see ss30 I've made sure that I always have something else to do, the gym, coffee with a friend, intense house cleaning, cooking, a meet up group, catching up on my reading, whatever! I don't "hold a grudge" it's just that I am allergic to negativity and I truly enjoy alone time. I make it all about me, selfish yes, self preserving..yup.

When twit gave you the nasty, filthy napkins and followed up by saying "it's the thought that counts" is proof that she knew it was a disgusting gift. Think about it......,I have never, ever, ever given a gift to someone and immediately after they opened it said "it's the thought that counts". Also, it is demeaning and condescending to say this. It's like she is talking to you like a child...."oh honey, I knew you wanted that new (computer, xbox, iPod, TV) but I got you a rubber duckie; remember to say thank you even though you are disappointed as this is the most useless gift you could ever get. Remember, it's the thought that counts. Now say thank you, smile and act appreciative". That's how this feels to me. Not only does she give you a horrible, filthy, discussing gift but she is acknowledging that it's horrible by telling you it's the thought that counts. When my DH have me a pair of white sapphire earrings and a diamond and sapphire ring for graduating form college last year, he didn't say "it's the thought that counts" as he knew I was beyond thrilled and excited about this gorgeous jewelry that he so lovingly picked out for me. I think I have established my point.
The thought that counts??? MY ASS!!!!!
You mentioned that twit and her DH make six figures and she's handing out dirty napkins and ashtrays???? You're expected to be happy by this? This is appalling. She should've just given you nothing; that would've been better. Ok, so if it's the thought that counts, then it's obvious that the "thought" here is that she is trying to hurt you and she's showing you what she thinks of you. She must have really enjoyed giving this garbage to you in front of everyone else. She knew you'd have to act a certain way but that inside you would be pissed and horrified. I would give her the ashtray this year that she gave to you prior. I would say " twit, I know how much you love this wonderful piece. That is why I would like you to have it. Remember, it's the thought that counts" }:)

I think what we are talking here is the difference in unconditional love. When we love a person unconditionally we can forgive them of anything and all wrong doing but I think only a bio parent can offer that. For us as step parents to offer that same type of love it not possible. Wr see the faults, we see the problems that are causing issues but the parents want to overlook and not see what we see.

Stick to your gut feelings and this and continue to stay disengaged.

Toxic controlling people will always attempt to reassert control and suck you back in.

My XILs tried this for years. Fortunately their cavernous crotched skank whore adulteress of a daughter and I never spawned so they had little to motivate my interface with them following the divorce.

There is nothing traumatic about gall bladder surgery. A few small incisions, some arthroscopic work, a day of recovery in the hospital. That is about it. Not significantly different than an appendectomy which I have had. My dad had his gall bladder removed a few months ago. His was actually gangrenous which is about as traumatic as you can get with a gall bladder according to his surgeon. His recovery and my appendectomy recovery were about the same.

DH has selective memory. Keep him clear on history and remind him that past behavior is the best predictor of future performance.

Protect yourself.

Sounds like the only surgery twit really needs is a brain transplant!