Hi Cowbag (I call my dog that sometimes, lol!), you are not being a spoilt brat, the goalposts are changing and you feel that you have no control over it. She sounds like an attention seeking brat and your SO is letting her get away with it. Believe me as she hits "proper" teenage years she will become more of a pain in the arse. SD15 currently spends all the visitation time in her room, and it drives me bonkers. You are still young and you need to think very carefully about whether you can put up with this full time or get out now. If you are someone who enjoys time on their own (as do I) then you will struggle with this as she will always be vying for attention unless your SO grows a pair. BTW, kicking my dog would be a deal-breaker, she is my furbaby and I wouldn't put up with that shit from anyone.

Oh dear! BIG NO to the moving in. Regardless of the kid's behavior, you DH makes you feel guilty for choosing not to be around his daughter and accuses you of making him choose between her and you (guilty manipulation on his part). Sounds like he is like my DH (almost ex), thinking that you can be one big happy blended family, everyone should LOVE to be around his daughter as much as he does and you don't dare take care of yourself (by going off into your room for some peace)because then he gets in a mood with you? Plus it sounds like he doesn't really want to parent her and you are their slave. Does any of this sound like a happy life for you?
You are not being a spoiled brat, you need to save yourself whatever you decide that is.
And as far as her behavior is concerned, she's probably going to ramp it up as she gets further into the teen years.
Sorry to be so negative but alot of your story sounds very familiar. You're only 26 you have time to find someone without a kid and all the struggles that brings to your marriage.

OK, this - " it feels more like I'm their slaves when she is there and feel like an outcast in my own home" - is DEEPLY concerning to me. It's one thing to have problems with a stepkid, especially a preteen one. It's another thing entirely when you have problems with "them". "THEY" are not a team - you and your SO are a team, or should be. And if you feel like it's them -vs- you when she's there, that is a HUGE red flag.

Not only should she NOT move in, but you and your SO need to have a really big and difficult conversation about the appropriate way to treat your partner and the appropriate way to treat your child. NO ONE should be a "slave" to this girl while she's in your house, your DH should be doing ALL child-care related things (washing, cooking, clean up, *everything*), and he should be making you feel like you and he are on the same team when his daughter is there.

ONLY if all the above are met would I consider letting her move in, and I'd tell him that.

If he's worried about money, since she spends basically 50/50 he could probably get it reviewed and get it lowered. As for making him choose between you and SD, I don't see that at all. When you got together he had visitation, that is not a full time kid. He is now putting you in a place where you have to make some hard choices and that is not ok either. You agreed to be with a man who has a child, you never agreed to taking on the child full time. He is just as horrible as he is saying you are. If there is no abuse of any kind and BM is a good mother than there's absolutely no reason why SD should move. To save him some money is the worst possible reason and he's being very selfish.

LOTS of red flags here! If there IS a CO in place, are they following it to the letter? If not RUN FOR THE HILLS!

"My SO is more concerned that if she lives with us then he doesn't have to pay the BM money anymore."

Not necessarily. That all depends on what location you're in and what judge/magistrate you get. There are many cases where the biodad has custody but is still paying the NCP biomom child support.

The babying is a BIG red flag on the part of SO AND most likely the BM.

As one of the posters tag lines reads: "some people are not looking for love, they are looking for HELP."

Your SO is parenting by guilt; not a good sign. I ditto Scubed's NO MOVING IN!

Here's my list of red flags as well:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.

As you only get 2 skid-free days at the moment remember as well that if she lives with you I assume she would also visit BM? As you have an out of court agreement it may well be that BM would/could have SD, say every other weekend and a night in the week, and this may actually give you and SO more time together? It shouldn't just be about the money, and your SO is doing it for the wrong reasons if this is his main one. He would also get the child benefit too, and BM would then need to pay your SO CSA. However, there are still too many negatives here for me to see it as a positive thing.

Do NOT let her move in!!!

A lot of what how you described your SD12 is exactly how my SD12 is! Needs him to put her to bed every night for at least half an hour, putting on baby voices to get her own way, lazy, etc! And she lived with us full time, along with her sister, SD16. It drove me up the wall and there was not one day that I felt comfortable living in the same house as them. In fact, I found it so unbearable, that after 16 months of marriage, I left DH and have now filed for divorce.

I just couldn't take her daily attention-seeking and manipulation - she knows how to get exactly what she wants from DH - and she couldn't stand when he and I were together, so she'd cry or do her baby voice and make him feel guilty for not spending time with her instead of me! And this is all within the first 6 months of my marriage. It breaks my heart, because I still love my husband, but I don't love his kids and I can't sacrifice/compromise my happiness for them. It's not worth it.

Stand your ground. It's your home too and if you don't want to compromise on your happiness and your sanity (because trust me, she WILL drive you crazy!), then be true to yourself and refuse to let her move in.

I notice that you mention the CSA in your comment -are you in the In the UK?If so your DH needs to be aware that unless he gets granted primary custody he will still be paying BM child support simply because CSA uses his salary & amount of overnight stays to calculate the amount paid. I think the wording is something like "175 over night stays or more a year" so if she has moved in with you or is staying over night 176 nights a year it's classified the same in the eyes of the CSA unless DH becomes the parent with custody (he would then also become the parent who receives child benefit)Would your BM agree to the loss of cash flow?With regards to your sanity though I would say don't let her move in because it's a slippery descent into hell from there on.

I agree, do NOT let her move in! I would not let me skids move in!

My SD12 does the same things --- baby voice, horrible table manners, never picks up her garbage (leaves gum on the table and everything), never makes her bed, and she has to sit on her Dads lap all the time, always trying to kiss his neck or something. He HAS to lie down with her and "tuck her in" to bed (which I find very creepy at this age). She never gets told no, is always told how beautiful and perfect she is, and if I try to correct any bad behaviour, I am the bad person.

DH tells me that she will outgrow all the clingyness soon enough, and that as a teenager he will never be able to do it again, so he will take it when he can.

He tells me "tuck in" is when he gets one on one conversation time with her, and honest conversation.

He also tells me to suck it up, he isn't changing anything.

That upsets me ..... he is with her 24/7 entertaining her when she is here, I'm pretty sure he can let her go to bed on her own! She used to sleep with him in bed till I came around (3 years ago) and put a quick stop to that. It's almost like she thinks he is her boyfriend or something. It is creepy gross how she acts towards him.

I wish I had some advice for you .... but, I don't. I'm stuck in the same problem with no answer.

You get a veto. So veto custody. End of issue.

Good luck.