Uhhh... that's not a "good relationship", that's "extortion". Your DH keeps "paying" so that nothing bad happens to his time with his kids - which is bullshit. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to get DH to SEE that it's bullshit, since he's operating from a place of fear. About the only thing I can think to suggest is to point out the flaw in his logic - "You're so afraid of upsetting BM that you're totally willing to upset ME instead, the woman you chose to spend your life with. That's a totally crappy thing for you to do."

Pack his bags !!!!

NO to all of that.

You need a serious come to Jesus meeting with your DH. He's placing more importance on a prior marriage than his current one. He needs to wake up and smell the Folgers.

First of all, BM can't stop your husband from attending his children's events. If they are school sports or concerts, those are generally things that anyone from the public can attend. Even if they aren't public events, he has the right as their father to attend functions that they are part of.

The thing I can't get over is that BM stayed at your house. My husband is in a really high conflict situation with BM, so this seems worse to me than it might to someone else.

If I were you, I'd put my foot down about all of this stuff.

My husband is definitely not perfect and I put up with some crap up until recently (mostly surrounding discipling SD). But there's no way I'd let him give BM more money than he's supposed to. That would be the ultimate deal breaker for me.

Oh hell no...I'd let that bitch BM sleep in a cardboard box before I EVER allowed her to step foot inside MY house, let alone SLEEP THERE!! Get a hotel bitch!! I would like to give your DH a slap on side the head for that one!

I get along with my EX, there has been nights when my ac went out, power, other problems. I ask him to take BS, not me. He's remarried, so am I, but even when I wasn't I would never ask him to put me up for the night or watch my dogs. I trust him with our child but I don't want him back. I agree getting along is good for the kids well being, but there's a point where it becomes more than just getting along. My DH ex, she wants him back. Always asks for more more more, it's never ending. She threatened not to involve him too, so now he just waves his CO infront of her pointy little face and that's that. No way in hell are you being irrational. What would he think if you were watching an exes dog or letting him sleep over if his power was out?
Don't be a door mat, it's hard to get boot marks off your face.

We take my stepdog frequently and perform expensive services for him but this is solely at my own request. I feel bad for the dog, he is in such a lousy home, and I wanted him vaccinated, chipped, and tagged even if BM didn't care.

I also hoped to have some influence over the skids in their own attitude toward dogs and pets in general. In this one area of step life I have had some success. Even BM has started to a tiny degree to emulate my ways toward the dog so I get the happy knowledge that doggie is having a bit better life.

But this was all done because it is important to ME. I wanted to do this.

Other things that DH was doing for BM cuz he's, yanno, her slave I put my foot down on the first day of our married life. I went bold and dramatic and spelled it out for him clearly, "You. do. not. have. two. wives. Pick. now."

Various things of this nature have still been struggled with over the year and a half we've been married, but much, much, much of that battle is behind us. And guess what? DH is living a much happier life now. It's good to taste freedom after decades of slavery, see. (a bit of Edward G. Robinson there)

Your DH is doing the shit rolls down hill thing. BM tosses shit at him, he turns around and throws it at you. You have got to stop residing at the bottom of the hill. You can do this.

Sit straight up, throw your shoulders back and remind yourself you had a life before you met him and it did not involve taking in stray women and their poorly behaved pooches. You don't have to take this.

You can say something to him like, "If that's what it takes to be treated well by you, it sounds like being an ex-wife is a better gig than a current wife." I don't mean threaten seriously divorce if you are not wanting that, but say it in a tone that shows him the stark contrasts and irony of your position.

When DH was dragging his feet on giving limits to SDfromhell, he said, "I don't want her to feel like she's in prison while she's here." I shot back, "Who do you want in prison, her or me?" He smiled and laughed and got the point.

Just act like a person who does not have to take this shit. Have the air of a person who has options and who values her dignity. Do not act like the scullery maid, the person at the bottom of the hill.

Plus, to spell it out, yes, everything he is expecting you to just "take" is bull freaking shit.

Being reasonable when the X is reasonable is one thing but this is way over the top IMHO.

The dog stays at the Xs. If they want DH to care for the dog they can leave the dog in their fenced back yard and DH can take one of the Skids over to feed it every evening.

This is exactly how we did it with my brother's dog when they went on vacation. We would go play with the dog in the back yard every evening and feed him just before we left to go home. The dog did not come to our home. If we wanted a dog, we would have a dog.

Rather than cater and cowl to BM DH needs to man up and lay down the law. "Sorry, we can't take your dog."

He needs to engage directly with his children and their schools so that he knows when school activities are. He is their father! Why the hell would he have to wait for an invitation to engage in his children's school activities? DH needs to put his hands between his legs, give a good squeeze, get hold of a big old fist full or two of man sack and act like a man rather than a sniveling pussy when it comes to his XW.

If XW even thinks about interfering with DH parenting and participating in the lives of his own children HE needs to give her clarity and if necessary shred her ass in court for interfering with his relationship with his children.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I had to bluntly say to my DH, yall are not getting along, you're giving her her way and she's happy about it. The saying goes happy wife happy life, not ex.

...

same issues here but it's so much better. He is still terrified of her and like your DH, he won't say anything to her(BM) so he doesn't rock the boat.

Its a bunch of BS because my partner bemnds over backwards for her and she never does the same. If he is 15 minutes late with the kids, he gets the 3rd degree. Recently he was even told to stop before proceeding further up the steps to drop off the skids.

The skids act strange around me - ignore me, disrespect me and basically treat me like I'm invisible. He finally admitted that the skids were told by BM not to talk to me but he's never said anything.

tell your DH to pull his head in or else...

I was about to post something about this, and found this thread. I truly believe my SO is still emotionally connected with his ex wife and I kind of wonder where the line is. I wonder if this is really the norm in co parenting situations or if he is going too far with it. Of course, its always the excuse like for all others that "it's in the best interest of the kids" *insert rolling eyes icon here*

While my SO doesn't do favors for the ex when it comes to her home (as far as I know!), he is always open and willing to talk to her about her love life, work, or anything else she wants to chat about. His ex is one of those that always needs to be talking or texting with someone! I'm sure you all know those types that I'm talking about. So, being that she doesn't have any family here and not many friends, it defaults to my SO like if they were still married. He does assist her with picking up new furniture for the kids bedrooms at her house, helping with price negotiations, and of course always willing to take the kids whenever she asks, or even contacts her to volunteer. SO says that he doesn't tell her anything about me, but then contradicts himself later on without realizing it so while he may not give her as much detail as she gives him, he definitely does talk about me to her. I noticed she has also started to get even more chummy lately than she ever was before. Will be texting him pics of the kids when its her weekend, telling him things that they are doing, she even bought SO a birthday present this year! Said it was from the kids, but of course it was...the kids are 11 and 12 and just have all this money laying around to spend on a nice birthday gift for their father! *damn, where is that rolling eyes smiley!* LOL

I also get everything hidden from me too and he says that its because I get all "bent out of shape" over it, but I truly believe that if these men don't have anything to hide, they wouldn't need to. I'm still holding out and staying in the relationship in hopes that this 10% of me that truly hopes and believes he is true in what he says and does and I'm sure purely for selfish reasons, but thats what it is. I would love to know from someone more in the know or even a professional where that boundary line is so that I and we all know when it really is crossed and what is normal/ abnormal. Not that it would necessarily change anything, but at least give us more of a guideline to go from.

Next time he takes the dog against your wishes, make the dog disappear. Period. Take it to a shelter and say it ran away. BOOM! Problem solved.