This has always been my plan
My OBS is turning 18 years old and graduating in May. Since he was ten and began wanting to go to college we have made plans for his future. Once he is 18 if he would like to take 6 months off before going to college no problem, but he must get a job and help out with his expenses. If he goes away to college he will always have a room at the house for when he wants to come visit. If he goes to college here, (we have a major university where we are) he can live at home as long as he gets a part time job and keeps his grades up.
That's always been our plan. DH seemed fine with it when we began dating and first got married. And now it's down to the wire and OBS is looking more and more at the university here. All of a sudden I am suppose to kick the bird out the nest? WTF??
I know there are people out there who do that once the kid turn 18 but I am not one of them. I will not clean up after him or do his laundry or hand him money every week but I can certainly help him with a roof over his head while he's trying to make something out of his life. My son has been working every summer since he turned 16 and during those summers he paid his own way on things which he intends to do once he becomes an legal adult.
He's always been very respectful to DH, and has always done his best to be loving to his kids, but he has to go? DH plans for his children to come live with us when they are older. His children who just say I love you when he buys them things. Who disrespect every one living under our roof, who have destroyed many things in our house including walls, furniture, and dishes. Those children I'm supposed to welcome with open arms while I tell my kids have a nice a life on your own? I don't think so.
We had a come to Jesus meeting the other night about this. I made it very clear to him that my children came before him, and if comes down to it, they will be here long after him. Maybe I'm overthinking the situation but I'm just so tired of my children getting the shorter end of the stick because they're well adjusted. Don't get me wrong they are not perfect little angels, but they were raised with values one of them being hard work gets you want you want. His children always feel entitled. He's made the argument that my children will make out in there real world much easier than his. So because your kids are entitled brats I should kick mine out and do everything for them cause they were never taught to do for themselves? I don't think so. My children will always have a place to come to in my house, with stipulations, the same stipulations apply to his children. That's that!!
There is no reason to kick
There is no reason to kick your BS out just because he turns 18, that's ridiculous. If he was a lazy, rude, do-nothing asshole, like some of these kids, that would be different.
I tell my kids - bios and
I tell my kids - bios and steps that when they graduate HS / turn 18, they are expected to (in order of MY preference) 1) Go away to college 2) live at home and attend college 3) live at home, get a job and pay rent 4) move out.
That's it. THere is no free ride in this house. If they are working towards their future, great. I'm in.
It's understandable that your
It's understandable that your DH (with the end so close in sight) would want your BS to leave now that he's 18. Most of the SMs on this site are counting down the years/days/hours/minutes until they're rid of their SKs. You've raised a well adjusted, capable son who doesn't need your help. I get why your DH doesn't want to give it.
That being said, I completely understand that you two had a plan (a fair plan) and you'd like to stick to it. Your son doesn't deserve to be turned loose and has earned the right (within your guidelines) to stay.
Your husband is allowed to change his mind. You're allowed to want to stick to the plan.
I hope you figure it out.
This situation infuriates me
This situation infuriates me on both sides of the issue.
It infuriates me that you would tell your DH that your kids come before he does and before your marriage. If you were my bride I would have shown you to the door at that moment while calling a locksmith to have the locks rekeyed and both you and your children would have been out of my home and life.
It infuriates me just as much that your DH would take the position that your respectful successful child would have to leave the home to make room for his entitlement minded spawn. If he were my DH I would have shown him the door while calling the locksmith to have the locks rekeyed.
The good news is that both you and DH are still in the home and marriage and can salvage this situation.
IMHO the marriage comes first over all spawn regardless of their biology. The marriage is the priority, first, last and always. Kids are the top responsibility but the marriage is the ONLY top priority. However, when there are spawn brought by both partners there must be consistent behavioral expectations and all of the kids must be held to the same standard. By demonstrated behavior in this situation neither you nor your DH are putting the marriage first.
I think that a more reasonable and effective position in this situation would be for you and DH to talk it over and you provide the message that IF all of the kids do well in school, work a job, and keep their college grades up that they will all be allowed to live under the family roof while in school and that your DS will not be evicted to make room for DH's kids. His kids will not be evicted for yours. This demonstrates that neither you nor DH are leaving the marriage over Skid related stuff (all of them are Skids either yours or his) and that all of the kids will retain the support of the marriage while they are progressing toward viable adulthood in compliance with the household standards of expected behavior.
This is the position that my bride and I took with the SKid as he finished HS and turned 18 a few mos later. Our situation was not as complex as yours is since we only had one kid in our blended family equation.
Not a good situation IMHO.
Good luck with this one.
...Rags...I'll bet your
...Rags...I'll bet your locksmith loves you!...lol.
Hypothetically the locksmith
Hypothetically the locksmith would love me. However, neither my bride nor I have had to play that card .... yet. Odds are it will be her that calls the locksmith though.
lol...
lol...
The house is mine, bought and
The house is mine, bought and paid for by me before DH came into the picture. He was greatly informed that I will not kick my child out the moment he turns 18. At 18 he's responsible for him self, and he can do that just fine living with us. He agreed to this before I do's were ever said.
I understand not evicting
I understand not evicting your kid while he studies for his degree. I wouldn't either in this situation.
What I don't understand is why your DH remains in a marriage where he is quite clearly a second class partner. He is secondary to your kid and apparently he is secondary to your home which he occupies as your convenience and pleasure which was all told to him before the wedding.
Put the shoes on the other feet. If you were living in your DHs home and he told you his child(ren) come before you would that be a marriage you would stay in?
Discuss the situation and come to an agreement rather than ruling unilaterally on the issue. That is what equity marital partners do. Your kid will be an adult very soon and you will live the rest of your life with your DH not with your son. Your son will go on to his own life where you will not be a priority. What happens then if you do not demonstrate to your DH that you are equity partners together and that your marriage comes first?
Sometimes, If the one partner
Sometimes, If the one partner treats you this way, you take the same position.....my home is mine, OH moved in with me, YET in my home when it comes to his kids I and my BD were second.....its only now that It either doesn't happen or I don't notice, and that because I took the same stance...
I always find this a difficult one, as I know my OH will always see his kids as first priority and not me....hence why im not married to him or have a shared tenancy/mortgage etc
Im afraid I stand with the
Im afraid I stand with the majority here...I certainly wouldnt kick my BD7 out just because she is in college or uni...OH's sons, SS19 and SS17 never bothered with school let alone college and Uni....hell they cant be bothered to work but I had to put up with them dossing around, not supporting themselves and costing ME money and still being in bed when I got home at 4pm so I take the stand that they will not be dossing in my house......if SD7 decides to do college and Uni (which at this point I have to be honest I doubt) then she would be afforded the same luxury.....Difference is BD7 is parented, and although I do my best with SD7 in the limited time Im with her, its not enough to secure what I hope she pushes herself to achieve rather than turn out like her BM's side of the family, which is dole claiming lazy g*ts!!....
Don't get me wrong, if my son
Don't get me wrong, if my son was disrespectful, that would be one thing. If he had problems taking care of himself, feeding himself, cleaning up after himself, or was a lazy entitled brat that just wanted to mooch I would give him a harsh dose of reality and let him fend for himself, but he none of those. I don't have to continue to take care of a kid when he's taking care of himself. Helping him not over extend himself and not end up with a massive amount of debt that is impossible to pay off before your die, I have no problems with that at all.