1st birthdays I'll be disengaged
Just disengaged this year and both SS14 and SD12 birthdays are coming. I used to go all out for holidays, planning special activities and lots of gifts. One christmas, after opening $700 of toys and gifts, SS who was 10 at the time gets on the phone with BM and tells her right in front of me that he got nothing, its like Santa didn't even come! Lmao. He has also informed me that I have to do nice things for him and that he doesn't need to say "thank you" to me.
These children can never say please or thank you much less do or say something nice for someone else. They have never so much as made a card for their dad for father's day. I feel no obligation to them whatsoever now but am curious if getting them absolutely nothing is crossing the line. I'd really like to ignore that fact that they had a birthday just as they do to myself and their dad. Am I expecting too much and being to harsh considering their ages? How should I act around their birthdays? What would you do?
Please don't reward their
Please don't reward their awful behavior. Let their parents handle their b'-days.
I think based on the kid's
I think based on the kid's ages, that they are too young to show appreciation, but I do think their father needs to make sure they do thank you for what you do for them. I can look back with my bio-kids and remember that I felt unappreciated most of the time too. Unfortunately kids usually don't appreciate parents until they have kids of their own and realize what a struggle parenting can be. With SKIDS I think the lack of appreciation causes bitterness and resentment much more often than with bio-kids. I know that with my SS I think to myself, "you are not mine, I owe you NOTHING -- the least you could do is show some appreciation for what I do give you." But truly, I don't kids are even capable of feeling appreciation -- they just expect parents to do what parents do.
My SS has never given my husband anything for Father's Day either, and he is 16 years old. Funny though, he always made his mother something for Mother's Day. I think it is because she constantly drilled in his head how hard it was being a single parent, how hard she worked to provide for him, and the woe is me BS all the time. She is the queen of guilting her kids into admiration, when truly she is the poorest excuse for a mother ever. My SS would have fared better being raised by wolves.
Regarding the birthdays, I would place all the planning, gifts, etc. squarely in DH's lap and let him decide what, if anything, to do for them. They are his kids, let him deal with it. I would make plans to be somewhere else.
I get what you're saying
I get what you're saying about finding it easier to resent the SK. I just remember making cards and little gifts when I was little for the adults in my life and by the time I was 12 I was saving what little cash I had to buy them gifts too. I think having that experience myself makes me harder on the SK.
I found your comment
I found your comment shocking. Kids at age 3 are old enough to show appreciation. Children do not form themselves they are what you teach them to be. My parents raised emotionally damaged foster kids. My mother could have her own reality show called the "child whisper." She has been working with an autistic child for two years now, in the beginning the child didn't speak at all, now she talks, laughs, hugs. Children really are what you teach them to be. If your children were unappreciative at age 12 you taught them that.I am not trying to insult you. I just realize that so many parents are failing because they take their parenting cues from their children. They watch to see what their child does then parent accordingly. NO NO NO. You need to direct your child into the person you want them to be. If their 'personality' is in conflict with your teachings, mold them a better personality. Don't make excuses because they are children. They don't get to be kids forever. Creating an adult starts at birth not at age 18.
" If your children were
" If your children were unappreciative at age 12 you taught them that.I am not trying to insult you. I just realize that so many parents are failing because they take their parenting cues from their children. They watch to see what their child does then parent accordingly. NO NO NO."
This x1,000,000! F*#& yes!
12 and 14 are more than old
12 and 14 are more than old enough to know they should say Thank You!! My parents taught us to say that straight away and all of us were saying Thank You to a glass of milk or a cookie at 2 years old. My friends do the same with their children and my best friend's grandson says "tank oo" at age 19 months.
our niece is 11 and within an
our niece is 11 and within an hour of her party she texted me to say thank you for the gift we gave and for the cake i made her.
A homemade coupon book?! That
A homemade coupon book?! That is the absolute last thing I would do considering that I was never shown any gratitude in the years I cooked their meals, took them to cool places, taught them fun stuff, etc. I'm not so worried about it looking like I'm trying as I tried for years, found no acceptance and am done with that.
Tell them, "Happy Birthday"
Tell them, "Happy Birthday" and leave the rest up to their dad.
They are absolutely not too young to show some appreciation. Children much younger know how to say, "Thank you."
^^I agree with this.^^ Saying
^^I agree with this.^^ Saying HBD is enough.
SD13's birthday is in two
SD13's birthday is in two weeks.
Ive only had one birthday with her and i did everything because i wanted to.
Not this year. She barely thanked or acknoweldged anything last year, was moody and had a puss on her face the entire time save for when she was opening gifts.
I did get her a small gift last year, but this year she'll get my name on the card and gift my fiance picks out for her. She doesnt deserve anything, she is so rude and greedy and unappreciative. I swear my fiance is only even doing this party to save face with his family and avoid the "why arent we doing anything for SD's birthday"? questions.
I am so hoping a legitimate work meeting crops up.
S12's birthday is next week.
S12's birthday is next week. My DH was off work due to surgery so money has been tight this year. PrincASS15 and SD18 got a HBD phone call from DH. That is what S12 will get. And while I have my own money, I am not spending it on the skids. Not any more.
Say HBD and go along with
Say HBD and go along with your day.
I gave up going above and beyond for SD13 birthday OR Christmas. It was last year that I stopped. She is ungrateful and unappreciative and I was sick of wasting my time and money on someone who could give a crap less. Best thing I ever did.
Besides she boo hoo's over being from divorced parents but she gets two parties for her birthday and countless get togethers at Christmas (ours, both sets of grandparents, BM's BF's parents... hell, even MY sisters get her something).
Don't feel an ounce of guilt for ignoring it.
My two SDs are with DH and I
My two SDs are with DH and I FT. This year was the first time I didn't put any effort into either SDs bday. They turned SD19 and SD13 this past summer. Last year we had a huge graduation, 18th bday for SD19 with about 40 teenagers and 10 adults in my house. I had 5 girls over for a slumber party when SD13 turned 12. This year was very difficult, because I was feeling guilty for DH. I held back and didn't offer any help. SD13 kept asking about a slumber party, would discuss it with DH, and then she turned into Linda Blair from The Exorcist about 7 weeks before her 13th bday. That's when I disengaged somewhat and vowed NOT to ask DH anything about the slumber party. SD13 ended up having one girl spend the night on her bday. A last-minute thing that DH was ok with, because he didn't plan ahead. Fine by me. SD19 got an ice cream cake and a pair of sneakers, picked up on the day of her birthday by DH at the last minute. I was so glad there was nothing over the top for either of them. I had been doing that for about four years prior, helping DH pick out gifts or plan parties, bake a cake or two....
I didn't charge SD19 rent for keeping my couch warm most of the summer, so I think of that as my gift to her. I didn't charge SD13 for all of the times I reminded her to do things including basic hygiene, before I disengaged, so I think of that as my gift to her.
Sit back and watch, no matter how hard it seems. Bite your tongue, no reminders, no trips to the store, no bright ideas for the kids. The entertainment value is priceless and THAT is your gift to YOURSELF!
~ Moon
I like the idea of waiting
I like the idea of waiting and watching. Think I'll try that.