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Communicating with the crazy ex when husband is deployed?

sugacake's picture

I don't want to get too into detail about my situation but currently my husband and I have temporary custody of his child and are going for full physical custody. His ex (they were never married) constantly calls and texts, harassing him about issues unrelated to the child. She curses and blows up almost every single time. She also calls his family members asking to borrow money, to hang out, and asking if she can come over to eat. She calls my sister in law almost every day and will talk to her for hours as if they were best girlfriends, if my sister in law doesn't pick up she continues to call over and over and will call her business phone. She randomly stops by my sister in law's business or house just to talk and hang out. Some of you will probably think i'm being stupid and that it's not hurting me in any way but it bothers me immensely. It would be different if she was stopping by to see their child or if her and my sister in law were actually friends (she's 22 and my sister in law is 45) but that is not the situation, she is usually calling to either talk about her newest love interest or to bitch about me. It is very disruptive to our lives and I do not think it is necessary for her to be involved in our daily lives, I feel like the only time we should hear from her is when it pertains to the child. Originally we wanted to put into the court order that she was not allowed to contact our family and to only contact my husband when it is about their kid. We were also going to purchase one of those to-go phones and block her from all the other phones (got that idea from this forum!) but we just found out that my husband is getting deployed again. The ex will not communicate with me, she actually still insists that I stay away from the child and that I leave when she picks up and drops off the child so the lines of communication have to be open between the family and her. I am very worried that things are going to get worse once my husband leaves. Is there anything I can do here? Or do I just need to suck it up and get over it. What forms of communication do you and your spouses use to communicate with the exes? Are there any step moms on here that have had to deal with exes while their husbands were deployed?

If you are going to say anything rude or nasty please refrain from saying anything at all, I am already in a tough situation and do not need anyone to make it worse. Thank you lots for any advice!

sugacake's picture

I cannot blame my family members for this, yes a lot of times I overhear them talking about it and sometimes they tell me but sometimes I ask as well. I suppose I am just torturing myself by doing that and need to stop. I guess I was just really looking forward to having her extricated from the family and only hearing from her when it pertains to the child like it should be.

sugacake's picture

Yes, I know that HE was awarded custody and not US, I am just used to saying we because we've been in it together every step of the way and I've done so much for the case and for the kid. Visitation right now is every other weekend and from 4-9 on weekdays that my husband is working which is typically twice a week. But she rarely ever shows up, the last three weeks she's only picked him up on one weekday and one weekend. I guess you could say she's crazy, I am almost certain she has a personality disorder since she does nothing but lie and her moods jump back and forth. She has three kids with three different guys, is married and now separated and is currently on guy number 4 since we filed in July. Our affidavit at the third court hearing was 69 pages long because of all the lies that we proved. She's just not there for any of her kids and focuses on guys, partying/drinking, gambling and shopping. The child would stay with my mother in law when my husband is deployed, this is assuming that either the temporary custody order right now stays in place or that we win full custody by then.

I most definitely do not comply with her crazy demands and my husband does not either. I was just giving it as an example to show how she is not willing to communicate with me. Although I am very involved with the court case and raising the child I do not speak with her, EVER.

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

and it's times like this I am sort of glad the BM of the 3 SDs in my household is invisible.

Big HUGS Suga....

sugacake's picture

Thank you Smile

I wish that was the case here! Usually when she finds a new guy the drama lessens a little bit because she's busy but then they break up and all hell breaks loose because she has a lot of free time.

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

It's just so unfair to everyone involved....including of course her child. How awful that they never know when they are going to see their BioMum? What an utter turd she is.

sugacake's picture

My husband's son sees her more than her second kid at least. We have talked to her second kid's dad and he is taking her to court for full custody as soon as he gets done with his deployment. He just recently told us that she has seen him less than a week in the past almost four months.

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

Goodness.... :jawdrop:

simifan's picture

If she is going to leave the child with you - i'd suck it up. Granted they're might be more to the temporary custody but NCPs are typically awarded custody while CP is deployed.

Singadiva's picture

That's so awful. I'm so sorry and I understand.
Would this help:
Establish some rules in your head and make sure hubby agrees - namely, what happens in your four walls is nine of her business, so she does not order you out of your own home. If she cannot stand you being there when she drops/collects, tough. Don't budge, this is to build YOUR disrespected self.
If she bitches and moans to others and they tell you, immediately ask them to desist. She either sucks it up or arranges pick up and drop off at the local police station. Family members need to know you will cut them off if they persist in distressing you with details that are totally redundant. You do this for you and hubby brings up the rear by telling them also to back you up.
The court orders need to provide for who does what when hubby is deployed - let hubby/court/BM sort that out.
You DO NOT have to engage with her on any matter whatsoever unless there is a direct requirement to do so and that will be directed by court orders or an emergency. If she wants it any other way, tough. Get it in writing and court approved.
Nobody can hurt you with without your approval so look for ways in which you have inadvertently let yourself be targeted and shut those gates tight.
The hardest thing for those of us stepparenting fulltime is establishing workable boundaries. Do this for yourself first otherwise all else can go to hell in a handcart fast.

counseling.advocate's picture

If she is talking to your sister in law for hours, it sort of seems like your SIL is welcoming the calls. His family may be welcoming her BC she is the mother of the grandchildren and a previous member of the family, married or not.
I go through the same thing, just not as bad. BM will come over and visit MIL if she is dropping off she will hang out and talk for a long time. And she plans on hanging out/going to lunch with BMs mom. There's more, but it does hurt and make you feel alienated, I know. You want to feel like the DIL and claim the seat in the family and unfortunately what we didn't know coming into this, is that we share the seat with someone else... Bc they are the mother of their grandchildren.

It's still however unacceptable. I respect boundaries with my exes family and so should she! DH should step up to his family and BM and stop being such a pussy about it all. If that doesn't work, well, you may have to sit down with the in laws yourself and tell him you don't feel welcome in their house when they are so welcoming to BM, ex daughter in law. Accept their feedback, stay emotionally secure and mature about it and end with letting them know that it is how you feel and ask them to put themselves in your shoes, ask them if they would want to come around the family knowing they are associating with BM on a personal level so often like she is now her new family.

It's just not natural.

sugacake's picture

I'm really late on replies but I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to give me their advice and tell me about their personal experiences, it really means a lot to me. As of right now, BM is no longer allowed in the house, SIL no longer accepts her phone calls and if she sees her in person and tries to talk to her she completely ignores her Let's hope it stays this way!