Help identifying behavior
I am so thankful for Steptalk.
I have been a SM for 10 years and like so many here have put up with a lot of abuse from the skids. I had never even heard of the term "passive aggressive" until I got married & even then it took years to understand what the hell it was. It was so difficult to try to communicate what was happening. My problem is dealing with all the baggage of how I have been treated and nothing to me ever seems to be confronted and resolved and I am always left feeling like the bad guy. I am also always on guard to protect myself from what I call rudeness.
I am going back in time but still want your opinion on a couple passed issues.
1. OSD was attending college a few hours away and was in for the week end & staying at bm. My dh offered an invitation for us to take her out to breakfast. She shows up with three other college friends that apparently was also staying at bm. Of course it is expected for dh to pay for it all. I thought it was rude for her to show up with friends and expect us to pay for it all. After the meal & we leave I tell my dh I thought it was rude. He said he did not mind helping out college kids and so there I am again the bad guy.
2. OSD came down for spring break & she stayed at her bm. She brought a female friend down with her & told the friend she could stay at mine & dh house for spring break week. She did not ask she just told her dad that she was going to drop off her friend to stay at our house. Said the friend just needed to get away from school. I did not like it at all but for the most part dh again didn't mind. My dh works nites and during the day works around our farm & then takes a nap before going to work again. He did say that he felt he could not go into the house for it would make him uncomfortable so he just stayed outside doing odd jobs around the farm until I would get home from work. He would then get some sleep and leave for work. I then am left with the guest. The next year when spring break was approaching I told my dh I did not want osd to have friend to come and stay with us. I was firm & told him if he did not say something I would. DH had a talk with osd and he told me that when he explained to her that we really did not want friend to say with us osd cried. He went on to explain that it had nothing to do with friend & that I had that week off as vacation.
So many of you have been through a lot with you skids and I would just like your opinion on what you think was REALLY going on here. Is this just more passive aggressive or is there another term I need to learn about.
He let a total stranger move
He let a total stranger move into your house for a WEEK?!
Hell no.
Just HELL no.
WTF was the friend even thinking? Great I am soooo awesome that people i dont even know will feed me, keep a roof over my head and provide all the necessities of LIFE to me- free of charge!
Holy shit!
I can see how you would think
I can see how you would think I do not know what passive aggressive is. Please be reassured I do and can give examples.
#1. The summer before osd was to attend college she was asked several times to pack up her room so that ss could have that room when she left for college. She said she would each time. She never did. DH packed up her room after she left for college.
#2. My dh & I purchased a new home and asked osd to get her things. DH & I had been married for years and she would say she was going to get her things but had not. I did not want to have to move her things to the new house. She is now married with children and I wanted her to get her things. Said she would. DH & I had a fight about it but I moved her boxes to our new house. Yes I was angry about that. Hauled it all up to the attic. I now don't care how long it is there although if something happened to dh I would give 2 weeks to get it or lose it to good will.
I get that part of passive aggressive. I just may not know all the little facets to it.
One problem was that when I married I moved into the family house. The skids treated the house as theirs and treated me like I was a servant living in their house. I have been very kind and good to the skids. I have been very giving. Given & given & given. Nothing appreciated.
I am so happy with my new home. Just the fact that the skids have no history there is wonderful.
Unfortunately your DH has
Unfortunately your DH has failed to put up healthy boundaries. With that being said, He also should have been in agreement with his wife before making a decision that would effect you inside of your home. Sounds like the "No" word is not used much in your sd's presence...{she cried)...wow. Well, that is her issue, not yours.
Your DH needs to learn the sacred territory called "us" territory. It is a special place in the Center of your intimate circle. The place where just you and Him reside together, make decisions about your lives together, and have subjects that are just between you two. When another person such as a child or parent or sibling who resides in the next outer circle of intimacy steps over the boundary line, or wants to do something that will effect "us" space...you two should be in agreement and mutual respect regarding those issues.
How exclusive you two want to be as a couple is up to you. But, it should be agreed upon. If you were uncomfortable, he should have respected that. and kept your relationship as a priority. He could have used this opportunities to remind her that it is both of you that is effected by this decision and both of you that needs to decide...a defining moment for your marriage. How you have defined your relationship with each other and then, how accurately you have conveyed it to the rest of the world is significant in how everyone else perceives it to be. If it is the number one priority, it has to stand all the testing it will endure when there are children involved...especially step children.
Your sd created her own disappointment when she cried because she had a false expectation to do anything she wanted as long a her dad said yes. Then. when she cried...your husband felt false guilt because she got emotional about it...but the truth is, she set herself up for disappointment as a result of the life pattern her father had already established in the past. Entitlement is such a hard addiction to break free from. (worse than sugar)... I don't know of many step kids that, once marinated in entitlement, won't give it up without kicking and screaming or manipulating both, emotionally and mentally their parents all the way.
They usually end up rejecting the parent in the end because, unfortunately, the fruit of their entitlement is their reward in the relationship. No reward equals no relationship, because that is how they learn to define love. No reward...no love...equals in the end rejection for the parent and perceived rejection when they are told "no" for the stepchild (no matter how old they are)...I have watched 40 year olds struggle with entitlement that held them hostage to an emotional maturity of about the age of twelve... Once they were told "no" they left the relationship.....amazing to me the dynamics
It's why we can't judge...because these people have been trained to be this way their whole life...then a new step parent enters the picture and says "This is not healthy"...and starts applying healthy boundaries (which they have never experienced before)...and they do not know how to respond. It is like you just came in and shut of their air supply to them...They do not know how to respond...They see you as a threat... Usually it is negative toward the stepparent because healthy relationships without manipulation, or bribery, or unhealthy co-dependence...is totally foreign to them.
They don't understand how unhealthy they are...It is all they know...That doesn't make it right...it is just their delusional reality that they have created to survive the splitting up of their family, and how it effected them on a personal level.
I wouldn't take it personally...and remember it is THEIR problem...Although I would sit down with you husband and have a conversation regarding healthy boundaries for the future....
Thank you all. I appreciate
Thank you all. I appreciate your your advise. I especially want to thank peacemaker. That was a lot of information and I appreciate it. It also speaks to our situation. We have two of the three skids that have nothing to do with us. I know the bm pas's the kids out but when my dh added me to the mix and the skids heard a no or two, guess that created the perfect storm for my dh.
Anyway, I just want to thank you all. I have learned I am not alone in the step parent struggle.
Your husband doesn't mind
Your husband doesn't mind because he is not the one there dealing with the situation. He agreed and then stayed away and left you to deal with it. Yep, my husband is also PA and this would be typical of him if he even told me about it first. Husband would allow this of his dad and sometimes I had no notice that his dad was coming to land on us and then I was supposed to be the gracious hostess. I finally, when husband would not tell his dad he could not do this anymore, started staying at a hotel when his dad would come and that forced husband to deal with his own decisions and entertain his dad. Let me tell you, after me doing this twice it stopped. Let your husband deal with you and you go to a hotel, pout up your feet, do some spa treatments. When your husband realizes he has to be responsible for his choices then he will look at the situation closer.
Oh hell no!!! SD should have
Oh hell no!!! SD should have taken her friend to BM's with her. I would not have hosted a college friend without SD being there. What an idiot your SD is for asking and what a spineless weasel your DH is for tolerating this crap from his spawn.