it is way too long to go into all of the details, but DH went to court last week after we filed a Contempt of Court on his ex for visitation issues. Long story short, he had only been "allowed" to see his daughter 7 weekend visits out of the last year and a half, and she did not allow him to have his daughter for 7 weeks during the summer, Fathers Day, etc. Then when we filed the contempt on her, she was served the day before she was actually letting his daughter came over, and actually sent an email stating" Due to you serving me with contempt, you are not getting your daughter." We have police reports, emails 3 inches thick, and guess what ? The Judge says she is not in contempt. That they all need to "get along". How she is NOT in contempt is beyond me, we had to do all of the work ourselves as we could not afford an attorney (have to go to court or mediation every year for the same issues) and NOW they want us to pay her attorneys fees because she doesnt want to work right now and wants to be a stay at home mom. SD is 13, by the way, and about to start high school. DH basically told her attorney to kiss his ass, and if the judge orders it he will pay, but that will be the only way he will. He said her lawyer was baiting him, saying "was it worth it?" He told him, yes it was, as he saw his daughter this weekend and it was the first time since February, and you and I both know that wouldnt have happened if I hadnt taken her to court. DH is so mad that he might have to pay her attorneys fees and that she got away with all of this horrible behavior. The judge and the attorney are pretty buddy buddy, it was very obvious. DH is at the point where he just doesnt give a crap anymore whether SD comes in or not (believe me, I am ALREADY THERE) and we are leaning towards just saying screw it. She doesnt want to come in anyway, since she is allowed to date, make bad grades, get her face pierced(against her dad's wishes, and no more than 3 days after they went to court.) We are not the fun house to her, and when she did come in this weekend, she had a list of things that she wanted for Christmas. So we are going to probably be "those people"-you know, the ones who don't refinance their home and let the kids at hom starve and bankrupt themselves like everyone thinks we should do to keep begging after seeing a pain in the ass SD who doesnt want to be here anyway. And of course, it will all be my fault, because I am the stepmom, and it just seems so much EASIER to blame me, ya know? So whatever. DH said he was fine with not even bothering with the struggle of getting her anymore, it just isnt worth it, and he has went so long without seeing her already that its nothing new. So good job, BM, another young girl out there growing up without a father figure who already is showing serious men issues, because you couldnt deal with the best thing that ever happened to you moving on after you THOUGHT you were done with him, and couldnt deal with the fact that HE was done with YOU. What a crappy excuse for a mother, and what an embarrasment to women in general. I am tired of seeing all of our money go out the door on this hot mess of a child. I could have went on a cruise.
We are about to become "those kind of people"....
Submitted by aggravated1 on Fri, 12/18/2009 - 11:18am.»
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The jugde sounds like a
The jugde sounds like a tool.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
Have you tried requesting a
Have you tried requesting a different judge to hear your case??
Never a failure...Always a lesson
No, I don't even know how to
No, I don't even know how to go about doing that. I am thinking about making an appt with an attorney to see if its appealable. the other kicker is, her attorney didnt even ask for fees in his response, but the judge is letting him have them anyway.
"Kindness is usually mistaken for weakness by stupid people" author unknown
aggravated1 - what about a
aggravated1 - what about a motion for revision? What state are you in? You might also look into hiring a lawyer for consultation only. I can't afford a lawyer and have had to do almost everything myself but I do have a nice lawyer that only charges $95 per hour for a consult.
My wife took me to court in November to ask for spousal maintenance. The commissioner was an ass and gave her $1500 on top of child support and everything else. My lawyer guy told me to file a motion for revision (within 10 days) and I did.
That put me in front of a superior court judge and allowed me to say why I thought the original ruling was crap. This judge actually paid attention and changed the original November order. Score!
So maybe something similar would work for you? Hard to know everything going on with your case but if you have all this evidence about the mom not getting visitation then it seems wrong that a contempt of court wouldn't work. I dunno.
Oh, my god. That's
Oh, my god. That's unbelievable.
I definitely think you need to talk to a lawyer about this.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I would get with an attorney
I would get with an attorney to get a change of judge.
Never a failure...Always a lesson
Definitely get a lawyer if
Definitely get a lawyer if you can. The lawyers and judges are all buddy-buddy b/c they work with each other every day. Sounds like there is clear contempt by BM here. But you won't get a fair shot without a lawyer.
We are not "those kind of people" who made the smart decision to know when to stop fighting. We emptied our savings, maxed out all our credit, tapped into our 401k, took a 2nd mortgage on the house, etc. to save SS (he was 14 at the time). Guess what? SS didn't want to be saved. He's 17 now and likes to be dysfunctional. And now my family must pay the price. My kids will do without because of the financial sacrifices we made for SS. It's not worth it in the end. IMO, you're doing the right thing.
Thank you so much,
Thank you so much, workingmom, for saying that. I know with ever fiber of my being that we will be fighting for the next 4.5 years, because his ex is never going to do what she is supposed to do. She was supposed to have a list of counselors to my husband for him to approve for his daughter by Wednesday, and we have not heard a word. She is already in contempt, and the orders aren't even drawn up yet. Its not only the money, its the emotional toll it takes on the whole family. And I have two kids of my own, 13 and 16, that are not getting the best of me, or things they need financially, because so much of my money gets tied up in this fiasco because DH pays over and above what he should in child support. I am so sorry that you have had that happen to you, and i am afraid if we continue that will be us also. There is also the added stress if his family and friends thinking we should "fight to the death". Well, it will be the death of our marriage, that will be the only casualty, I am sure.
"Kindness is usually mistaken for weakness by stupid people" author unknown
"Its not only the money, its
"Its not only the money, its the emotional toll it takes on the whole family."
YES!!! The emotional toll is much greater than any financial setbacks. All of the fighting consumed us and our marriage suffered greatly. I made a promise to support DH in any decision he made regarding SS (i.e. fighting for custody). But when he started making choices that I thought were wrong (give up the custody fight, agree to pay 1/2 to send SS to residential therapy school, etc.) I couldn't keep my promise. It put a deep wedge between us and I harbored that resentment for a long time.
I don't blame you for being
I don't blame you for being frustrated and ready to quit. The courts do not help, it just costs money and lets people feel like they 'won'...when obviously nobody is winning anything here. Even if she would have been found in contempt, who knows if it would've helped or been enforced to any degree....she would have just felt like you 'won' and probably set out to punish you for it in any way possible (i.e. more PAS). I avoid any interaction with the court system at all costs...didn't even go after child support when my ex left the picture for five years. I dunno, just bad experiences all the way around with paying all the money out to the lawyers and going to all those court dates only to keep being messed with and gloated over....just wasn't worth it. I'd rather live in a homeless shelter with my kids than go through all that again...
I can't believe the court
I can't believe the court system and their CRAP!!! Of course you aren't "getting along". BM is running your lives using SD as a weapon just like my children's idiot BM. We went through the same crap. We had to send Skids out to BM around the world alone on a plane every year. Every year my husband freaked out. Every year BM wouldn't pay for things (like the passports) as she was supposed to do. She made it impossible to send the kids for visitation yet setting it up to look as if DH was the one at fault so she can get HIM for contempt. When it came for visitation she won it hands down every time. Every year she made all of our lives hell. The kids got to where they didn't want to go. We had to force them but they were much younger. We got to the point of all communication being through the Attorney for our protection.
An idiot pro BM Judge that just doesn't get it. I hate hate hate that you are going through this because I lived this for the last 5 years. BM sliding from her expectations in the CO yet if DH dared not to follow the CO there were threats of jail, etc. It in unfreakingbelievable!!!!
I was however told by my Attorney when my kids got to a certain age you couldn't force them to go to visitation (DH is custodial). If a teenage child refuses you can't physcially force them to go. My Attorney told me of another case where the child locked himself in a bedroom refusing to open the door for his father. There is where your BM is taking advantage of the situation because in the Judges eyes it isn't seen as contempt (depending on the Judge).
Sadly knowing what my own Attorney told me the only thing I can say is that maybe disengaging is the best. Stop doing any extras. I feel bad for your DH and the DH's that want to see their kids and the lousy BM pulls this crap.
"To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves -- there lies the great, singular power of self-respect"
Well, this judge is
Well, this judge is definitely pro BM, because she is in contempt by EVERY definition of the word. I had a paralegal and attorney look at our contempt filing and it should have been a slam dunk, I mean, it is so bad, she should have gotten jail time. Then they both (BM and SD) just thumbed their noses at the courts and DH last Thursday. She was just told last monday that she needs to keep him informed, get along, co-parent, etc, and he gets a phone call last Thursday from his 13 yo asking can she get her face pierced. (Monroe piercing, between her lip and her nose) He told her absolutely not, she was too young, and what does she do? Sends a pic to my daugher not one hour later of her sporting a new hole in her head, and says her mama said it was ok and thats what matters. Normally, you could start preparing another contempt case, right? But if she didnt get contempt for this mess, he will never find her in contempt. Its just useless. Then I have my daughter, who is also 13, complaining why cant she get piercings?? I told her that SD was not my child, she was, and just that night she was inducted into National Junior Honor Society, while her stepsister got a new hole punched in her head. I will continue on with my style of parenting, thankyouverymuch. LOL
"Kindness is usually mistaken for weakness by stupid people" author unknown
I wouldn't waste your money.
I wouldn't waste your money. I found all of these Attorney's and Judges are in bed with each other. All buddy buddy. Sometimes to the point of affecting our court cases. It happened to us too.
My Attorney did a turn around and suggested something brilliant. We couldn't force BM to be a responsible parent however she has abandoned the children. No CS no gifts for the kids nothing. Not even a call for 2 years. So I decided to take the witch to court myself and had her parental rights stripped and adopted my skids. It was more for protection of the Skids then anything else. If something happened to DH I didn't want them to be yanked from me and forced to live in another country far away from any other family members. I no longer have to deal with the witch. The kids loves that I adopted them. We for the first time in my marriage are now living a stable life parenting the kids our way. Not the way BM did with her drinking in front of the kids. I realize your situation is not the same but a good Attorney does make a difference. Ours saved our lives and I am gladly paying her every month.
I actually tried to change our Judge but we weren't allowed to. Oh how I wished we could have. But for the adoption we went to a higher court thus a new Judge. A Judge that totally saw it our way. I find that the higher courts see things differently. Have you thought about an appeal?
You are obviously a great parent. It is obvious you know what you are doing too bad BM can't do the same for her kid.
"To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves -- there lies the great, singular power of self-respect"
I have not found a judge yet
I have not found a judge yet that will hold BM in contempt. DH has a totally different judge from the last one so we shall see what happens in the next month.
BM even was in contempt of the initial divorce decree and I had to show it to her and tell her that she was violating the order SHE herself wrote...seriously!!!
The piercing thing has happended here too. DH said no to the hole in SS's ear and he told BM no and she let him get the piercing anyway...
Never a failure...Always a lesson
Both of my biokids have
Both of my biokids have gotten their dad to do piercings for them knowing that I wouldn't approve. The piercings are ear and belly button, so no atrocious facial thing...SD 17 has a lip one, wanted snake bites, and plans on doing her nasal septum...but any of you who have followed my story probably aren't suprised by that. She's planning to get her first tattoo on her 18th bday, I'm sure it will be something facial or a job-stopper of some sort too. Anyhoo...it was a battle I chose not to fight. This was one SD's Mom was against too by my DH was busy Disneylanding...I told him I wouldn't do it either...sided with BM (Holey Cow did I just say that?). She also went and did some of those awful ear gauges that are beyond repair now....sheesh, the list just goes on and on.