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The Sh*t Hits The Fan!

StepWTF's picture

Yesterday, was the last straw for me! I thought that my husband and I had made some headway when it came to his daughter and her behavior towards me. Well from my prior posts I explained how she can be quite disrespectful from the snide remarks to manipulating her Disney dad father and I into huge arguments. Last Friday, the last straw was the inappropriate affection behavior (see previous post). I explained to my husband that I had enough of her behavior and that he needs to address her because I was finished with her behavior and that he needed to handled all affairs in regard to her solely on his own. I told him that perhaps he needed to have a talk with her and explain that there is no need for her to "compete" with me for his affection. That I am his wife and she is daughter and that he can love both of us at the same time and explain the difference to her. I feel he basically needed to give her reassurance and explain that there was no need to vie for his love. In other words, she has a tendency to behave like a 5 or 6 year old. For example, If I kiss him on the cheek and hug him which I sometimes do when he comes home from work, she will grab him around his waist and kiss him on the lips. Yeah, you read it correctly! It is like she feels she has to one up me. Some other examples of her behavior would be if I ask her to clean up her filthy bedroom, she would turn her nose up, like how dare you ask me to do anything or flat out refuse to do anything I ask her. Well any way, he was supposed to talk with her about those things on yesterday. Instead of doing that this blundering idiot tells his daughter that I want to talk to her. She knocks on my office door which is closed with a sign on it that says,"working do not disturb!" So you already know I am infuriated right out of the gate, because I work from home, that is a huge no-no! Anyway, I ignore the door and finish what I am working on and address my husband by asking why was he or she knocking on my office door. He tell me that SHE wants to talk to me. I told him that he knows that no one is suppose to disturb me at all when my office door is closed. Granted I had just finished a conference call regarding work. I am on fire by now. He apologizes and I return to my office with the door open waiting for SD13. She walks into my office with a bit of an attitude stating that her father told her I wanted to talk to her. I told her that was not true and I did not know why he told her that. Essential what this chicken shit coward did was try to put the conversation he was suppose to have with HIS daughter on me. I swear by the most high I was absolutely livid at this point. I told her that she needed to talk to her father. She leaves and goes to him and they both come back. He tells me that he talked to her but that he did not understand what exactly I wanted him to talk to her about. Boy, by now I am beyond livid! I told him and her that I was tired of her smart-ass comments and shitty attitude and that I have spend my time, money and given her things that she not only needed but WANTED. I told both of them that I was not going to tolerate being disrespected my her and that she was FAKE and that she acted nice when her dad was around and acted like an ass towards me when her father was not around. She of course tried to lie which infuriated me more. Then she stated well you made me give some things back to you, I told her that's right, if you are going to treat me like crap and act snotty you can give me my shit back and get your dad to get it for you. Any way it was getting no where because she was trying to hide her behavior that she was exhibiting towards when her dad was not present from him. I told her that as well, I told her that she needed to come clean and stop trying to hide the truth from her father, of course, he was right there, she stated that it wasn't directed towards me. Um excuse me, you and I are the only ones in this house when you dad is not here. Come on, did she really try to lie even further when she could no longer deny how she had been acting when he was not present. I was floored! :jawdrop: So of course, my husband grabs his daughter and gets angry at me and sits in her room with her holding her because she is in tears at this point because she had been exposed to her father and she did not want that, that is why she did it behind his back. She then proceeds to tell me that since I was referring her to her father for everything from now on, I was given up on her. I told her no, I was demanding that she respects and appreciates what I do for and with her. I told her over and over during the argument that my job was to be a good wife to her father and that is what I agreed to when I married him and not to be walked all over by her or his family for that matter. I told her that was not going to deal with it anymore, I told her that she has a mother and a father, let them deal with her shit. I was so angry and hurt at this point. Well, need I say it made no difference, she and he both me me out to be that "bad guy" once again. I am so pissed that I was placed in that position to begin with, maybe one of you can find some good that come from this whole blow up. I am so through with my idiot of a husband at this point. I am in a no win situation. I never agreed to this shit when I married this idiot! :?

StepWTF's picture

You were so right! She has differently raised the ante! She knew I had not eaten dinner and she ate all (3 out of 5 -husband ate 1), I mean all of the chicken breasts he prepared for dinner and he caught her. Funny thing is he did not mention it to me, he tried to hide it. When I went to get dinner I questioned what happened to it. He told me. He is cooking something else, I told him I am not hungry and do not want it. I told him that this is what happens when you have not control over your child and try to be her friend. I told him it is going to get worst. He still doesn't think so! We will see. Now he is pissed because he started cooking food I did not want. Ha Ha, learn to parent you child dear husband. }:)

twoviewpoints's picture

" So of course, my husband grabs his daughter and gets angry at me and sits in her room with her holding her because she is in tears at this point"

Does this sound like a good time to give her DH an 'her or me'? This child has no where else to go. She lives with the OP 24/7 as her BM can't have her. As OP stated in one of her earlier postings, this kid has been through hell. Do you really think that in the case of the OP (not your case) that Dad is going to just kick a 13yr old out to the curb to make his wife happy? Even after 'some time apart'.

Instead of ultimatums and 'shit hitting the fan' meltdowns from the SM, my 2cents thinks it'd be much wiser to get this child in therapy/counseling. She has a lot to work out with the BM's choice of relationships, being punched in the face, ridiculed non-stop by her peers and now adjusting to a new home. I agree that the kid is acting out but all this addressing in the home without proper professional guidance as to what and how and assisting the kid in sorting through it all isn't going to work. This father doesn't have a clue on how to actually help his child, how to make changes that will be beneficial to his household and/or where to even begin.

twoviewpoints's picture

If SM wants things to get better, she'll give the 'get the kid outside help or I can't live here'. This isn't a case of Daddy just not 'parenting' in the home...this is one damaged lost kid. He can't do this by himself he needs to seek appropriate people who can help this child work through her past before he can just snap his fingers and tell her to knock it off.

OP is 'suffering' because neither she nor her DH know how to get this kid the help she needs.

StepWTF's picture

I agree with everybody, I told my husband this morning that we all are going to counseling or I am leaving. It is a hot mess right now. i have told him that SD13 really needs to go as well. She has a piece of shit mother that has basically threw her out and said forget it. I understand all of that. My husband and I need to go because of her being here in the situation and condition she is in has made a huge impact on our marriage and has driven a gigantic wedge between us both. That was the ultimatum I issued to him, we all go to counseling or I am filing separation. Even SD13 wants to go. Yeah, I spoke to her this morning. She is upset because my husband stated he did not want to go and listen to somebody tell him what he needs to do and that he will be the scapegoat!:jawdrop: I told him it is not about him being a scapegoat and that it is not about HIM. That is just it, he calls me a narcissist yet he has all the traits of one himself. He just called me and now is agreeing to go. I think that SD13 texted him or something this morning when she left for school. I told him it is time to put up or shut up. Both SD13 and I are willing to go, he needs to get on board.

StepWTF's picture

I was told that BM asked SD13 to clean her bedroom or something along those lines and SD refused. Somehow SD punched BM and BM hit SD and knocked her in the floor.I was also told about prior events such as SD forging her mother's signature on notes, etc. for school. I was also made a aware that BM accused SD of stealing her ATM card and BM stated that this is the "type" of stuff she (SD13) does. I have never trusted this child because from a early age (6 yrs old) she had a habit of taking my stuff without permission so I have keep all of my items under lock and key. I also have a camera installed in my office. I have computers and stuff in my office and know that SD13 likes to sneak around so, I am always monitoring. She is really ramping up her behavior because she see that her father and I are spending time together (he still spends time with her too) but I have stopped working so much and we both has been trying to close this huge wedge that this child has drivine between us. Her eating all of chicken breasts that he cooked for dinner knowing I had not eaten yet is one. She has been re-arranging furniture and doing stupid stuff that she thinks will irritate me. It used too but since I have disengaged, I ignore it. I have shut her out and refused to deal with her shit anymore. She is really pissed now and I know that eventually she will do something that will nail her ass and her father will have no choice but to address it. Yes, she needs some form of counseling for sure but she also needs DH to step up and put his foot down. SD is her mother's and father's concern, I have tried to be a female role model for her and be there for her but obviously, like I told her she wants all the perks, gifts, etc but does not want guidance from me and thinks that she can do shit to me and I am still supposed to put up with it. Like I told her in the argument the other day, that is for your parents to do not me. I do not have to put up with her mistreatment and still stand there is smile and be friendly, hell no! I am still cordially, I say hello, goodbye etc. but the spending time with, doing things for her is over. Like I told her let her parents deal with that shit.

onthefence2's picture

I know moms who deserve to be knocked out by their kids and if it were to happen many other parents would not be surprised, and would likely cheer the kids on. There is a reason this girl has turned out this way. Neither parent knows what they're doing and have probably both had a hand in screwing her up.

Jsmom's picture

Hope counseling works, but having tried it with SD18 when she was 13, it didn't work. She manipulated the therapist. BM and SD tried to say it was me. They went to three different therapists that we know of. I refused to go. Wasn't my issue, was theirs. It was for BM, SD and DH to fix. I did it with DH and that was a joke as well. So I went on my own. I got to a good place, none of them did.

At 14 she sued us to live with mom. She is now a train wreck and it is all on BM who did it by not having boundaries.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

If SD is only snotty when her father is not around.. easy. No more SD around you.

^^THIS^^

I (secretly) put my foot down on this issue. When DH has to work (5pm to 5am!), NO SKIDS are coming to spend the night. The last 2 times this has happened I said I made plans with a girlfriend or three and have no idea when I'll be home, that it will probably be quite late. I am so sick of that obnoxious little snot, PrincASS15's attitude, and him and S12 bickering constantly that there is no way in Hades I will sit at home and suffer bratsitting them while DH works.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

ripleyV2, with my DH's previous work schedule, I would get home before him and it was no big deal for the skids to be there 20-30 minutes before he arrived. But there is no way I am going to be stuck with them for hours and hours. And with DH working those long hours, he needs to sleep so I would have to be up and awake to make sure the skids don't get into anything. So once DH's schedule changed, there is no more skids in the house unless DH is there or arriving shortly!

niknakpaddywak2's picture

This is what 13 year old girls act like. Kissing him on the lips and Crying in daddy's arms oh boy time for a real boyfriend. competing with step mom at 13 is sick.

StepWTF's picture

Today has been the worst, she has to eat off of his plate (when I tried that I got cursed out). She is all over him and hugging him from behind and laying all on him. :sick: This is a everyday thing and I have told him about it and still he does nothing. I don't counseling can help this. Yeah I agree this lil chic needs a boyfriend. This does not strike me as normal 13 year old girl behavior. Imagine having to see this shit everyday. I feel like he has a girlfriend living in our home. This shit can't be normal behavior of a girl this age toward her father. Is this the new-age dad-daughter relationship shit! :sick: WTF! :jawdrop:

StepWTF's picture

I am seriously having a hard time maintaining my rage, this shit piled on top of the other shit I have to put up with, I am soooo through and over this shit!!!

StepWTF's picture

I have already warned him about CPS! He thinks it is harmless, at first I thought I was just being jealous but I see that it is not that at all. It really looks unhealthy! I have tried to approach him about it in several different ways but he is not getting it. If someone else was to see this behavior, they probably would think that there is something going on between them that is not cool. I hope someone does see it and says something to him about. It is so gross, I don't want him near me and even want to be intimate with him. I am really grossed out by it.

Teas83's picture

Didn't someone on here once post about this same kind of thing with her DH and SD? She took a picture of them sitting together so he could see that they looked like a couple rather than father and daughter. What if you do that?

Teas83's picture

Your wording made me laugh....."I felt like I was interrupting them."

IslandGal's picture

:sick: I am so revolted by this that it just makes me wanna puke - or slap something or someone.

Take picturs - LOTS OF IT - and post them all over facebook - you'll have to shame them to get them to stop if he won't listen.

I myself, could not respect my SO if he continued treating his mini-wife like this - I would've been long gone. It truly is sickening.

IslandGal's picture

I've said this many times before, and I'll say it again. Our Counsellor's advice to this behaviour was this:

Relationships are like an onion, with many layers. Only the couple should be in the core of the relationship. The layers signify boundaries. When one layer tries to overlap, it causes conflict. The two in the core of the relationship (the couple) make ALL the major decisions. First layer is where kids are, second layer is immediate family, third layer is rest of family, fourth layer friends, 5th layer acquaintances and so on and so forth.

Counsellor showed my SO that he had himself and SD sitting in the core and I was in an outer layer. They made the decisions that affected ME even though I was the adult. SO also treated SD like his equal therby planting her firmly in the core with him. No relationship could survive this. If the core of the onion is rotten and whole thing gets thrown out - similar to relationships.

SO woke up after that and has tried parenting as a "real" dad and not a "disney" dad. SD is furious, that she is no longer # 1 and refuses to visit. Our relationship has not suffered one bit because of her decision. If anything, we're getting stronger. It does not however, completely stop the anxiety because I know one day, she'll be back.. and I'm dreading it.