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So HARD being right...even HARDER not saying anything!

hangingbyathread6's picture

So I as blogged previously I had told my DH that I was no longer going to be responsible for his kids due to the tension and arguments that we have because he doesn't hold his kids accountable and I'm tired of the arguments and being the bad guy. This has a lot to do with OSS and his behavior and with the school yea approaching I was already stressing about what that does to our relationship and me and our household. Due didn't like that much and I of course heard the "you are already against OSS by believing he will cause problems because of his school work! You're not even giving him a chance! That's not fair! You just have it out for him and you assume the worst in everybody instead of looking for the best and giving the benefit of the doubt!" Well this kids has had school issues since THIRD grade and he is a freshman this year. For two years he has lived in my home with the same expectations, standards and consequences as my three bios and his younger brother, and yet he still spends the majority of the school year grounded, with no cell phone, no electronics, no TV and no extra privileges. He has been pulled and made to sit out of hockey practices and games by our rules for poor grades a,d it is a CONSTANT battle with you to uphold and enforce the consequences while your mother and BM are in your ear constantly saying how mean we (me) are, how he's always in trouble, the poor kid never gets to do anything, etc etc. I only need to be kicked for standing behind a horse ONCE to know what will happen. And what would possibly make me think OSS has had any sort of 'epiphany' when it comes to school, certainly after the trouble we have had with him ALL summer?

WEEEEELLLLLL.....2 weeks into school year. I check my bios grades...my sophomore all A's and a C in geometry...she's struggling, and she carries EIGHT academic classes, no stuy hall, and is involved Ina Varsity sport. My 7th grader...all A's. So since DH said he does so agree with the school rules in the house and he can so enforce them and it WILL not cause issues with us and he will show me so! I checked my skids grades (our district has EVERYTHING available online to check on your students with your ID and password) and guess what I found?? YSS...(7th grade) all A's. Good job. OSS (freshman)....FAILING freshman English, D- in Spanish, C- in Physical Science, a in Math (only one assignment so far) and no other grades entered yet. Yeah, can't begin to understand why I might think that he is going to do the same shit AGAIN THIS YEAR...it's just because I have it out for hi. I guess. Lmao.

So I'm helping my daughter with Geometry since she's struggling in that class. Afterwards DH says "I'm sure OBD will get that grade up. She's a smart girl and works hard...she'll figure it out. I asked YSS why he never has HW and he said he has study hall the last hour of the day...that worked out pretty well for him! And I guess OSS has finally gotten the concept of having to do his school work in order to not be grounded and lose his stuff and privileges. He's been up in his room ever day doing his homework without me having to remind him! (In a tone of...see, I told you he wasn't going to cause problems)." I said "wow! That's great about YSS and his study hall. How are their grades?" Now I know he has looked and I know he knew OSS had missing assignments from last week but In Customary fashion took the kid's excuse and believed the line of bull the kid fed him. I'm also pretty sure he knows he's not doing well, but I can't be positive...and if you are going to sit there and try to make your point then I guess I will slyly figure out a way to disprove you without coming right out and telling you. So DH says " oh I'm not sure. I have to look. I haven't gone on the system and checked for awhile". So he comes in to the kitchen and pulls up the family access page..."YSS is getting all A's". That's great and I keep on doing my thing while he pulls up OSS. He gets up from the table without saying a word, goes down to the kid room, where OSS is, playing his Xbox...and although DH is is talking quietly to OSS he is right by the vent and I can hear him. And I can hear OSS trying to make excuses and I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "okay so the rule is if you have missing assignments or getting bad grades there are no electronics and you are in your room studying...is he going to enforce the consequence?" And I'm smirking to myself. They come up from the kid room. I am still assisting my bio with HW and they have a chat. OSS says that he's doing poorly in Spanish because he doesn't have a notebook. Almost spit out my water in that one. DH is going to run to the store to get him one and is asking me about the store hours and I say there is a brand new notebook right on the counter by the microwave. Yeah, because a notebook deficiency is what is causing the kid to almost fail Spanish....and yet he doesn't ask for one until you call him out on his grades after being in the class for two full weeks. How can he stand the taste of the bullshit he swallows from that kid?

Anyway, skid goes upstairs and I i once toy look at DH and say, I take it the schoolwork isn't going so well since you were having a little convo. DH answers, "he's got a bad grade or two" Okay...what he has is a FAILING GRADE AND TWO ADDITIONAL BAD GRADES.

But I don't say a word. I don't say anything. It hurt. Biting my tongue so hard to NOT say " so imagine that! 2 weeks in...already failing and almost failing a couple classes, five missing homework assignments and yet the kid is playing Xbox. Yeah you're right I should have never though he would do the same as every other year with school". I just silently sat and took my own quiet satisfaction in proving that I was right, that the kid doesn't care and oh no you now have to follow the enforcement or let him get away with it....cuz I'm not involved!

Comments

hereiam's picture

I call this "silent satisfaction". I am trying to convince my 11 year old niece that it's the better way to go and won't get her grounded every week.

Drac0's picture

I feel for you.

My SS has been blowing smoke for weeks now.

"I have no homework Mom, I did it all in class."
"Teacher says I am doing really well!"
"I only have a little bit of studying to do, but it's okay, I know what the teacher is going to ask on the quiz"

Then the report card is going to arrive and DW is going to be in utter shock...

ChiefGrownup's picture

All freshman year of HS for SDthen14, she blew a lot of smoke. I questioned DH abut checking her grades online. He felt no urgency, there was some issue with the password access, it never got done so I shut up. Come the report card: oh, my, what's this?!!

There was a big blowup, both parents, belligerent Teen Girl, threats, wails, and A New Regimen. By the time she showed up at our house at the end of the week, the New Regimen had vanished (Yup, the very first chance we had to implement it the thing was already nothing but a ghost story). DH was back to trusting her, Teen Girl tossed up prettier puffs of smoke, and the password issue was never resolved.

This time I spoke up more and resistance was stronger. I shut up again. About 2 weeks before the end of the semester, DH found the password and randomly checked the website.

Not only were grades way worse than the first semester but now he sees she's on the verge of flunking for absenteeism he knew nothing about. More fireworks.

Sophomore year started in early August and DH has found religion on this--he is a warrior checking her grades nearly every night and riding herd on absenteeism. He announces of his own accord that she is "not trustworthy." (Ya think?!)

She started flunking this year as soon as school started but he was on it right away and forced her to turn in more assignments. Sad day when you have to view "at least she's turning them in" as progress. But overall it's a happy day because the kid NEEDED IT. Don't know why it's so hard for so many parents to grok that. And happy day for me that DH has got the fire in his belly for it now. I never ask--he just tells me how it's going and I see him whipping open the laptop to check her grades as soon as he comes home. So nice to see--at last!

Hope more of the spouses here have that aha! moment. It is very rough going to choke your way through a house full of smoke.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Bottom line is as well all know ~ you get what you put into things. The effort speaks volumes.

If his grades are skipping there are so many things DH does ~ #1 I'd throw that xbox in the drive way n run it the fuck over !!!
#2 he could search for help ~ letting teacher know he is experiencing difficulties ~ get help from someone in the national honor society. Umm hey Dad I need help ....

So daddy expects his son to tell him he is having issues. Not gonna happen ~

You could set DH up beautifully ~ give SS benefit of the doubt cause in the end you will be right. You can't get to invested with as cause he doesn't care !!! If I were you I would pretend like I give a shit ~ n when report card comes around ~ have a glass of wine n ask DH how he would like is crow served !!!