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The fear continues

hollyissad's picture

I have written a blog post about this in the past, but I find this issue continuing to resurface, and was looking for some more opinions on this, or especially if anyone has some experience dealing with this.

My SD5 has been in my life since January of this year. It was an adjustment at first, but especially over the last few months I have felt very close to her. Her mother is deceased, and I try and be there for her if she ever wants to chat about her mom.

In the beginning, when she spoke about her mom it was mostly about the memories she has that were good, and how she misses her mom. Lately more and more she has been talking about some of the not as good feelings of "my mom was sick and that's why we didn't do very much together" and "my mom spent more time with (half-brother) and i felt left out of the family". (Her mom was very mentally ill) I try and focus not on her mother in those instances, but her feelings. (You felt left out of the family and that made you feel sad.)

Several months ago she tried out the 'mom' word on me. Although for the most part she calls me by my first name now, the other day we were at the park and she was with some children. I saw her point to my SO and I and say "And that is my mommy and daddy!" And two days ago when her grandma dropped her off after an event at church she was downstairs with grandma (she knew I was there) and yelled "Mommy! Daddy!"

OK, sorry for rambling on. To get to my point, I guess I fear getting too close in some ways. I love this child very much, but I'm acutely aware that I am not her mother. She is very aware as well of course, and will randomly say something (not intending to be mean) that will put me in my place. I fear that I will get close and then she will grow to resent me or hate me because I am here and her mom is not.

I have heard so much about children in these situations growing up and hating the stepmom for trying to replace the mom. So I don't want to overstep. But at the same time, I want to be there for her and fill some type of motherly role if that is what she wants. I guess I don't know where to draw the line. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to get hurt either.

Additionally, I have the severe maternal calling, and I also hope to have some of my own biological children at some point. I also wonder how she will feel about this, and if it will greatly change our relationship and how she feels.

Again, sorry for rambling. I guess I just have a lot on my mind about this...

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

My hubby pasted away 6 years ago ~ my DF has stepped up and been her father figure. She calls him Daddy but is well aware of who her actually father is. I have no actually fear of her saying or resenting him at all. Let her take the wheel on what she calls you. But you are mothering her ~ don't deny her that.

I think when a parent passes away it's different ~ you are filling that void in her life.

Maybe get some counseling on how to approach ??

hollyissad's picture

I've actually thought a great deal about counseling, and getting assistance for this confusing role, and what I should/should not be doing. My work schedule does not allow for time during normal business hours, and I'm worried I wont find someone who has a good understanding of the dynamic...

Still I think this is a good thing for me to look into.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I applaud you for showing this subject concern n you are aware of your future actions. It's scary but you show compassion in just thinking it through.

You are trying to be prepared and that is wonderful.

I agree with a post below about finding a different name for yourself n maybe discuss with her that we all only get one mommy. Let's think of a different name for you to call me. Great idea Wink

When my mom passed away my fathers wife n I came up with the name Nonnie for my kids to call her because I didn't want her to be called what my mother would have been. It helped me if anyone n my kids didn't know any better.

BethAnne's picture

This may sound like a stupid question, but does she know the word "stepmom" and that that is what you are?

I know we didn't use the word stepmom with my SD until she was about 5 because we had felt that it put a barrier up and didn't want her to feel excluded. But the opposite happened I think and when we explained the word and that that is the role I play in her life I think she felt a lot happier being able to explain our relationship simply to herself and others.

The other thing you could do is come up with a nickname or other term of endearment that is comfortable for both you and your SD to use that acknowledges the special relationship that you have but doesn't make you feel like you're walking in a dead woman's shoes.

Poodle's picture

How about "Mommy Hollyissad"? That gives her the choice to go to and fro in and out of different modes as she grows older, and protects you from pain if you are solely called "Hollyissad" by her later in life.