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BM "visiting" my hubby at work

asgoodasitgets's picture

BM recently broke up with her BF & is moving into her own apt. She called DH with this news about 2 weeks ago. I predicted that this was only the beginning of a "crazy" cycle & told DH to get ready. Those of you with cluster B BMs know what I'm talking about.

So DH casually mentioned a few days ago that BM had visited him at his store (we own a retail business) last week to pick up boxes for her move. She claimed it was SD6's idea to visit & get the boxes. DH was all happy, saying "SD was so proud to help out." :sick: I also know that BM has been emailing more than usual lately but have not asked DH about it nor has he volunteered the info. I just hear his phone ding & can tell from the way he reacts that it is her. I think he doesn't wan to tell me because then I'd be right about my prediction that the crazy was going to ramp up.

So yesterday evening, I stop at the store to see DH, have dinner with him, etc. As I was leaving, I see BM's car pull into the parking lot. Curious, I walked slower so that I would pass her car as she was getting out. SD ran up to me, I greeted her, asked her about her day, she told me they were here to get more boxes. I told her to have a great night & I'd see her Friday. I completely ignored BM. So I got into my car & watched to see what would happen. They entered the store & came out a minutes later with boxes, followed by DH carrying boxes as well!!!!

I texted DH that this was BS & if he didn't put a stop to it, I would. There was more to it than that but, trust me, I was fuming & he knew he had effed up big time.

I just don't get it. Why don't these men get that BM's "nice" cycle only lasts as long as they need something, then it's back to being to bitch from hell again? Why don't they get that the lack of boundaries & acting like BM is their wife is soooo disrespectful to us?

Comments

lillfiredog's picture

I don't know, my DH will go off on me, call me names, be a dickh*ad with me... but his ex, she gets to rundown everyone and be a c*nt to all of us with her backstabbing, manipulating ways and he doesn't say boo to her. I honestly don't get it either. I am sorry you have to go through this.

Ljcapp1's picture

^^^^^^^^^^ I said these EXACT words to my husband last night. It's so easy for him to call me names when he's pissed at me (whore being one of them) But his exwife cheated on him NOT ME.
So next time she calls for more money above her CS payment call her a whore I DARE YOU!!! He would never, and how is that fair...The bitch that cheated on you and ruined your marriage and life gets more respect than me? I must be lower than chopped shit in his opinion then.

AllySkoo's picture

Holy crap! If my DH ever called me a "whore" during an argument, the next words out of MY mouth would be "Get. OUT." He would for damn sure be sleeping elsewhere until I knew it would not happen again. I don't give a crap how he talks to BM - he doesn't speak to ME that way regardless of how he speaks to ANYONE else. Your DH needs some clarity on that.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

Wow. A whore?
DH's tongue would be ripped out of his mouth.

However I do relate with the "be a dick to wife - but be nice to ex who has screwed you over".

DH and BM were never in love. SD was an accident.
And BM has caused so much misery in his life. He HATES BM.
But when she is being a bitch, he's all about be the better person and watching his tone. He will tell me she's being crazy but he would never tell her that she was crazy.

Meanwhile when him and I fight, he has no problem telling me to shut up or cursing or calling me a bitch.

I seriously don't get it and that part has always made me so angry.

I'm angry for you OP.
I would be so upset if my DH was doing that. It seems like Bm is trying to play house. Mommy daddy and daughter. You don't think a curious 6 year old would ask questions? Imagine how confused she might be. Or the false hope your DH is blindly giving her. And the false hope that crazy BM is probably saying to her.
these men are morons!

frustratedstepdad's picture

Meh. I would avoid the games (Denying sex as punishment is a game) and just be upfront and direct with him.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

BM is only doing what your husband allows her to do. If he didn't want her coming around, he would have put an end to it by now.

Who knows, he may still be interested in her. If she ended the relationship, it's possible he isn't over her yet. There are posters here who have SOs/husbands who still have feelings for BM. One has even admitted that he would go back to BM if she ever got her life together.

asgoodasitgets's picture

You are correct - DH is allowing it. That's why I told him it needs to stop in no uncertain terms. And I gave him consequences if it did not. Such as locks being changed & his shit in the yard.
I know DH has no feelings for BM but, like so many men here, he's afraid to rock the boat for fear of her retaliation.

godess-clueless's picture

Denying sex is a game? Maybe so. But when there is an obvious pattern that ex has no interest in associating with dh at times when she has a serious relationship it is because she values and hopes to keep what she has. She is not risking her relatioship with any indiscretions. Present wife is not her friend, not her family, the relationship is not her concern.

When playing the single role again, only the dh can put a stop to these games. If he chooses not to stop, it is often because his ego is being stroked for saving the day. They can be told to stop. They can be informed of how it affects the present wife and marriage, but if they choose to continue ....handing out sex is on a silver platter is not the answer.

It took one time of dh bragging that the best sex came after each time his 2nd wife would get a phone call from wife numer 1. Under the pretense of calling to discuss the children, and conveniently calling when the hubby was not home, ex1 would tell wife 2 how she made the mistake of her life and if there was any way to have him back that she would go for it.
If the ex knows that dh will be returning home to a very chilly household each time she oversteps your boundries, then she knows what she is doing. If he knows your boundries and chooses to accommodate her then he knows what your reaction will be.

Disneyfan's picture

What's the point of withholding sex if you're going to stay with a man who disrespects you? :?

As soon as he gets sick of the game,he will say what you want to hear. Sooner or later he will do the same dumb thing again. Why? Because he knows all you will do is withhold sex for a little while. Big deal.

Now, if he knew you would do something major like his ass out, then you'll get major changes.

godess-clueless's picture

Punishment has to fit the crime. Discussion in the beginning may be all that is needed for some to stop the situation. Others are slower to catch on. Or they may have gotten away with their actions in the past with previous wife or gf, so expect they are entitled to be disrespectful to the present relationship. Th e present marriage sets the boundries for what to accept. Stupid move to leave the home or run to a lawyer on every dispute.

Ljcapp1's picture

I just can't stand the thought of that asshole touching me. I doubt any of us withhold sex when we want it too. I withhold sex b/c I don't want him in the same room much less being affectionate.

Ljcapp1's picture

"Why don't they get that the lack of boundaries & acting like BM is their wife is soooo disrespectful to us?" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< If you can come up with a viable answer to this I will pay you $1000.00

Sasquatch does the same damn thing. It's very predictable. Every time she breaks up with flavor of the week she finds ways (like your box story) to cry on DH's shoulder or reminisce about their 'marriage.' Cutesy little texts about what a wonderful child they have together - referring to SD17 who is a total asshole. Or remember when...or how is GS4 doing, my favorite and most recent is that she isn't getting her CS payments correctly. (<

asgoodasitgets's picture

Trust me, that was my first thought. I was difficult not to let BM see she was getting to me, so that's why I want DH to handle it quietly & quickly.

AllySkoo's picture

My apologies, I think I must be missing some back story... I can't quite understand why you're that angry? If she'd walked into his office and sat on his lap, I could get this, but... boxes? There's more to what's going on here.

Ljcapp1's picture

She could have gotten boxes anywhere...why did she choose (right after a break-up) to go to her EX-husband's business TWICE? Easy answer...she's single now and looking for attention from the exh. My Husband's exw does the same thing. It's pathetic and needy. But the men see it as an ego stroke for some unknown reason.

DoubleUteeEFF's picture

^ this!
Not only that but she is using SD as an excuse.
I'm sure people know who SD is at his job. So who's the woman? Ohhhh. That's her mother?
Interesting seeing them all together again like a family.

Ha. I work retail. I know people see things and people talk.
BM is trying to not only make herself known, but is trying to weasel her way back into DH and making herself look like they are a family again.
Mommy, Daddy, and Daughter.

She has also uped the communication. Email him all the time. Etc.
she is a threat to OP. And DH needs to stop falling for BM's games.

asgoodasitgets's picture

Thanks Lj, you are exactly right. BM passes at least 50 other stores between SD's school & her home but she drove OUT OF HER WAY THRU RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC to come get boxes from DH. And uses SD as her excuse. She is pathetic.
But DH is honestly just as bad if he really is getting off her attention. Barf.

Lady Danger's picture

How fun for you to be the irrational, insecure one while BM and DH and SD dance around in happy box-land all smiley and cheery. What a crock of shit.

It's never easy being the one to broach the issue of BM's involvement since it can spiral so many unrelated directions (you're jealous, you don't understand, you're crazy). When the bottom line is simply respect and boundaries. You deserve both.

Personally I try to confront problems, not people, and would suggest you continue to stand your ground. She can find boxes at any grocery/liquor store out there, there are even *gasp* boxes you can BUY at a BOX STORE. DH gets his visitation with his kid regardless if you're providing shit to her for her move, doesn't need to get extra time when she "drops by" because she needs something. BM's always fucking need something.

asgoodasitgets's picture

That was another poster. My DH did not call me a whore. If so, this blog would have been titled "Divorce #2 for me". Haha.

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

Last year when we found out we had to move to another state BM started calling my DH and boohooing to him as well. By this time mind you, we had been married 10 years and together almost 13.

She was also trying to get DH to divorce me and take her back.

He also told me to expect her to call me or text me to tell me that when we got engaged my DH went to her and begged her to marry him again and wanted to have sex with her. My DH said it was a vindictive lie meant to hurt me. I believe my DH. He is a good guy.

The only reason she wanted him back after all these years is because:

A). Her hubby (who she was also gold digging with) lost his job last year and has been unable to get a new one. He is in his late 50's and it gets much harder to find the kind of job he had. This forced her to HAVE to work :D.
B). YSS CS is running out in mere months!
C). She has to help pay for college for both boys. They will both be in a very good, but expensive college at the same time for a few years.

These BMs are fucking pathetic and disgusting.

She always tells my DH how hard life is now. It's her own stupid fault. She had it made in the shade then threw him away thinking there was something better. I picked him up and dusted him off and now I have a wonderful life. Too bad so sad. Fuck off and die.

Teas83's picture

I think it's always fairly obvious when BMs are using their kids as an excuse to get something that they want. I'm sorry this has happened.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I love this thread. Before you marry the guy, you don't picture how bizarre and stressful it is to have this ex-wife happily trampling all over your DH, your home, your marriage, your time.

BM doesn't want my DH back, she doesn't even like him (she has terrible taste), but she expects him to still be her husband except she gets to have total independence and not see him or be bothered with any of his needs. Pretty much like their actual marriage but now she doesn't have to live with him. She figures she is owed all his money, all his services, even his time to chit-chat because she has so few friends. The other day she called him because she had a dead battery! Thank heaven he didn't see the message until she had already been forced to solve it through other means -- like every other person in the frickin' world does!

The first day we were married she wanted him to run out to her house to bring her something. I lost my stack and told him I had to draw a line in the sand. I wasn't beginning our married life by having him chase after her. He had to pick right now: was he married to her or to me?

The more I know about steplife the more I'm glad I was that decisive and blunt the very first day.

I cannot imagine what it is like for those of you dealing with residual feelings between the two. I don't have that, on either side. It's bad enough with just entrenched habits of him as her slave.

MarriedaBallessWonder's picture

"Disempower the Ex

Surprisingly, many men allow ex-wives to exert power over them long after the divorce is final. Pull the plug! You two live separate lives now, and her control needs to stop. Don’t let her rule your new roost like she ruled the old one. The divorce decree unlocked your prison door—you’re no longer her captive, so act free! Recognize that many of her threats are empty—I’ll move away so you’ll never see the kids again or I’ll take you to court for more money if you don’t pay for this. She’ll pull out all the punches to illicit fear, but it’s all a ploy to emotionally manipulate you into doing what she wants. Call her bluff. She can’t afford to keep hauling you back to court, despite her threats to the contrary. Statistics show the typical woman experiences a 73% drop in her standard of living after divorce, and 40% of households headed by women live in poverty. When she asks you to hook up her computer, fix her furnace, or do some other household chore you used to do, tell her to find another handyman. She’ll attempt to guilt you into doing things that are no longer your responsibility by making you feel the children will suffer if you don’t step up the plate and help her.

When you find another love interest, your ex might even make a play to get you back. She doesn’t really want you, but she doesn’t want someone else to have you either. Don’t fall for her coy tricks. If she alludes to the two of you reconciling (when you know it’s out of the question), pointedly squelch the idea. If she playfully starts e-mailing or texting you, don’t respond or tell her not to contact you if it isn’t about the kids. From the beginning of time, women have known how to exploit a man’s ego. Don’t fall for it. The attention might seem flattering, especially if you have two women vying for your attention, but recognize it for the scheme it is to sabotage your new relationship.

Limit how much contact you have with your ex, and encourage your extended family to do the same. While your parents and sister might have bonded with your ex, they need to also maintain a comfortable distance. It’s okay for them to like her, but out of respect for your new wife and their loyalty to you, they need to at least partially disengage from her and move on too—cordial is good, chummy is bad (at least much of the time).

One counselor recommended method of limiting contact with a toxic ex is to completely cease verbal contact, when possible. Send a spiral notebook between houses, and let your communication be in writing in a travel log. Knowing the information contained in the log can be used against her in court, it encourages a more positive exchange for addressing issues pertaining to your children. If something arises that requires more immediate attention, an e-mail or text is often sufficient.

Ex-wives can cause EXTREME stress for you and your new wife. Well-adjusted and mature ex- wives keep their contact with former spouses amicable, short and sweet, and don’t interfere with your new life, as they don’t want you interfering with theirs. In many cases, however, the vitriol injected into your life by the bitter variety creates a ripple effect. Not only will your new wife resent her perpetual meddling, she will project her growing animosity onto your kids because without them, the ex would have no foothold in your lives. It’s not fair, but it happens. Limiting contact with your ex and not permitting her to dominate your life and control how your household is run is paramount for the success of your marriage. She might have one set of rules for the kids at her house, and she is free to parent how she sees fit during her parenting time. However, at your house, kids follow your rules. The ex has NO SAY under YOUR roof. Ex- wives have a difficult time adjusting to this eye-opening fact—when she agreed to divorce, she sacrificed having control of her children when they aren’t with her. When it’s your parenting time, assuming you aren’t an abusive or neglectful parent, her dictates and mandates are null and void."

from this article
http://jilldeibel.hubpages.com/hub/What-Every-Step-Mom-Wished-Her-Husban...