You are here

Double Standard

Biomomof2's picture

So apparently the way our household and marriage is going to run is this... Anything I do, any rule for my kids will be agreed apon between DH and I. We are a united team and I will back up anything he says with my bios. BUT when it comes to DH spending money, doin what he wants, rules for SGD and how things are going with faux SD and faux SGD DH can decide all on his own. He and I quote "will not be calling me to see what he can and can't do". He will do whatever he wants.
Just has a conversation 3 days ago after counseling that we are going to check in with each other before anything is decided. Well I was unaware that he meant only when it involves my bios or me.

This will be a deal breaker for our marriage. And will not come to him for things involving my bios, how I spend money, what happens in out house Only to have him do whatever he wants. Why am I compromising with him??????
This changes fast or I done.
I couldn't sleep last night and ran all this threw my mind. He has 1 month. Then I am leaving.

Comments

Ughugh's picture

Anything over $200 needs to be discussed with our spouse. That's a good rule of thumb.

Now, why do you call them "faux"? Are they not his actual blood?

Biomomof2's picture

Nope. Faux SD28 was his 1sts wife kid. His actual ex SD. He had gardenship of her from 9-14.
Faux SGD11 is faux SDs kid.
sD25 is his only bio.

Biomomof2's picture

On your $200 rule... Are you ok with $180 going to skids? Are you okay with $40 and $40 and $40 and $40 all going to the same kid so it adds up to over your $200?? What if the $200 puts your household in a bind right before payday?
I have a major interview this weekend 2 hours away. It is the same city DH works in so moving would be better for everyone. We are staying Frisay night since the interview is early Saturday. He gave out half of what we had for the weekend.

AllySkoo's picture

Holy crap! Double standard much? Wonder what the counselor will say to him about that...

hereiam's picture

How can he think you would go along with this?

I would laugh in my DH's face if he ever spouted this crap. Well, lets face it, I'm a potty mouth, I would do a lot more than laugh.

Biomomof2's picture

His response when I pointed out everything that was going on?? Maybe I should give a little. I asked in response to that Give what? We have an agreement that all of this is to be mutually agreed apon. You are continuing to break that agreement. The final response to that was "whatever"

Biomomof2's picture

Thank you.
It is not an ultimatum. Not in the since of do this or I'm leaving. It is I'm leaving period dot end of subject. But I do love you, I wil. Give you time while I get everything straighten up. If it still like this when I am ready to move, bye. If not, then we talk.

askYOURdad's picture

Double standards seem to be a major issue with blended families. My opinion is that either everything needs to be separate or everything needs to be shared, there is no healthy in between. Everything being just that, rules, discipline, finances, chores etc.

Biomomof2's picture

I agree. But we made the agreement in counseling that everything is to be shared. We are the head of the household and all decisions are made together.
He has always let SGD get away with everything. She has had no chore, plugged into electronics from 330 until bedtime. Just one week ago is wen he sent SGD to her moms (SD).
We have had many talks about all this. Books he would buy for fauxSGD would be "hers" stay in her room. Books he bought my kids would go to the household library to share. Be damned if SGD has to share anything.

DaizyDuke's picture

Ok... when you say "spending money" what are we talking here?

Is he buying the kids a hamburger or tossing them 20 bucks... or is he paying rent, buying cars what?

DH and I have a few go rounds about spending money on SD16. Trust me, it took a while, but I think (hope!) that he finally gets it. DH used to be of the opinion, like yours, that I should "mind my own business" when it came to him spending money on SD16. I had to explain to him that I was NOT talking about coming to me and telling me if he got her some pizza or bought her a $10.00 package of socks or something like that. What I am talking about is when he's buying her a $100.00 pair of sneakers when she already has 5 pairs in her closet. Or when he is tossing her $30.00 to go to the movies and dinner with her friends when she just blew $200.00 of social security money that gets handed to her every month. What my DH was also not understanding was that all of those 20 dollars here and 40 dollars there ADD UP! And then he would have the nerve to make comments about me buying OUR BS4 a GD Happy Meal once a week!

Did something change?? You are married so I am guessing you have been together for a bit of time, so has he always done this or is this something new?

Biomomof2's picture

In the last 2 days
$40
$240
Promise to take faux SGD shopping for a nice outfit for school pictures. Even though we just spent $400 on school clothes and my DD was told you have brand new clothes wear those for school pictures.

askYOURdad's picture

Eff that! I'm assuming finances are shared? Do u have a budget? Something we do and it's kind of a pain but it works and keeps things fair is we have accounts for each kid and we put set amounts in them for "extras" once the money is gone the answer is no. The kids don't know that its set up this way but say one has enough for a new outfit and one doesn't, we would just say "well OSD gets a new outfit and you don't but u went to the movies laat week and got new shoes so its fair"

Biomomof2's picture

Just saw the question at the end.
Is this something new?? Yes and no. New not completely. Ramped up, in overdrive yes. He had recently started treating me as the enemy and has gone as far for the first time to pull the "my kid" card with his dd25. He didn't like my advice told me he is pissed I gave her the advice. And pissed about what the advice was. SD25 talks to me more then DH.

DaizyDuke's picture

Ahhhh... so he is using money to buy skids love???

This is sooo my DH and he admits it. He admits that he feels guilty that he doesn't do much (time wise) with skids because he often doesn't feel well (disabled LEO due to on the job injury) so it makes HIM feel good to throw money at them. Do your faux SD and SGD live with you??

HadEnoughx5's picture

I just hate the whole double standard. I'm rooting for you. I just don't understand if and how their brains work. If he doesn't want to report to you about what he does, then does he think you should report to him?

I just don't get it :?

Disneyfan's picture

Why not just separate your money? Decide how you will divide household expenses. Once those are covered, each of you will be free to spend your money as you please.

I'll be honest, I have no tolerance for someone thinking they get a say in how I spend my money. DF would love for us to combine our finances,but it will never happen. He has a big problem with me spending money on my DS22, nieces15&9 and nephews17&7. The main issue is that he can't afford to spend the same way for SS23 and SDs17,9&7.

Biomomof2's picture

Frustrating DH doesn't want to. He wants us to "agree" on everything. But this seems to only apply to me and my kids.

Biomomof2's picture

We had an agreement when I moved in. SGD was living here at the time. I quit my job, he pays me what he would have had to pay for daycare for at times 72 hours straight. He is a fire Department medic. I quit, moved in I have $1900 a month in child support for my kids that does go into the household. He never paid me, his solution was we combine accounts.
Now with everything the way it is, I am going back to work. Final interview Saturday.