You are here

Carolyn Hax: Is bride right to insist that dad and stepdad walk her down the aisle?

Pilgrim Soul's picture

It's a good problem to have!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-is-bride-right...

Dear Carolyn:

Long story short, I left my then husband for my current husband when my kids were 5 and 7. They spent time with bio dad, but basically lived with me and their stepfather.

Fast-forward 19 years. Our daughter is getting married and wants to have both of them walk her down the aisle. She wants to honor both men, as they were both fathers to her.

Understandably, bio dad is not comfortable with this and told her that because he is her biological dad it should be his privilege. Stepfather is okay with not walking her and has told her she should have her father do it. I suggested that bio dad walk her down the aisle and stepdad have the first dance, then they would both get separate time with her.

Her feelings are that none of what happened 19 years ago had anything to do with her and she should be able to do what is right for her wedding, and that she wants both of them to do it. What is right?

R.

It’s right for Bride to consider her own and her parents’ feelings carefully; for the parents to weigh in when invited to but otherwise respect this as Bride’s decision; for Bride to make a principled decision (vs. one based on, say, making a statement); and, once that decision is made, for the parents to make accepting it their priority, over nursing old wounds or seeking justice or upholding “tradition” or dwelling on symbolism or whatever other meaning attaches itself to such choices.

From the scant information you’ve given, it does sound as if Bride is being needlessly, and selfishly, stubborn in her insistence on the double escort. She’s so adamant that the events of 19 years ago weren’t about her that she’s letting those events take charge. What’s a wedding, though, without a little irony?

If compassion were at the helm instead of her fixed idea of what she wants, then she’d see that her father not only missed out on sharing a home with his own children, apparently against his will, but also can never get those years back and never be compensated for them.

Does that mean she automatically defers to his fixed idea of what he wants? No. But it does mean rethinking what she’s trying to accomplish here — maybe considering that, while the impulse to include them both is generous, opening her mind to what the three parents are saying to her might be more so.

This is, of course, academic, because I’m talking to you, not Bride. And, whether Bride is stubborn or generous or justified or merely immature is irrelevant to what the parents all have to do at this point — which is for each, individually, to act on his or her own principles, just as Bride needs to do.

Meaning: Your ex-husband decides for himself whether he plays along or takes a stand. Your current husband decides for himself whether he plays along or takes a stand.

And you, though you no doubt feel in the middle of it all, recognize the sidelines as your proper place to stand. You’ve made your point. Now it’s time to let others decide.

Anon2009's picture

I think Carolyn is right...the BM needs to stand on the sidelines and let SF, biodad and DD hash this one out on their own.

I wonder if the bride has a SM, and what she thinks of this...that'd be interesting to know.

Rags's picture

So, mom cheated and her DD wants to recognize her cheat partner. Classy maternal gene pool there.

Details with standing, I am with Bio Dad on this one.

Gwynnafaye's picture

My daughter is only 14, but she has decided that when the time comes, I'm the one that is going to be walking her down the aisle. Her father only sees her 4 days a month - that arrangement was his choice and he will not take more time even when offered. Her stepfather is very active in her life and is helping me raise her. Because I have been the one there for her her entire life, I get the honor.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Completely agree with you! When I got married, when I was 26, my father was already deceased. I decided to walk myself down the aisle, since I was a completely self-supporting adult and getting married was a choice I was freely making. My mom stood at the end of the front pew as a "symbolic" way of presenting me, but I wasn't walked down the aisle nor "given" away.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

At a time where we all know how vicious stepchildren can be towards the step-parent, I find the fact that the daughter wants to honor both, as they both had a hand in her upbringing, by walking her down the aisle.

I know I am in the minority here, and I don't find it insensitive, I find it nice, refreshing. I can understand the BF's feelings and it is nice the SF says he will stepaside on this, but it is up to them to decide if they can honor the bride's wishes.

Obviously something went right with the raising of the daughter that she loves both the BF and cares about the SF. Mom should be grateful that she isn't facing all the nonsense some of us here on this board do.

AllySkoo's picture

My SD22's BM could have written that letter! (Well, except it's much too literate for her to have written it.)

SD22 was planning to have DH and her SF walk her down the aisle. For the record, BM cheated on DH and married that guy. Then she cheated on husband #2 with another guy and married him. It was Husband3 that SD wanted in the wedding. Anyway, DH was not comfortable with it. SD was sort of ignoring him about it.

Then BM told Husband3 that she had been cheating (imagine that!) and was leaving him for Future Husband 4! SD22 at that point not only told DH that he would be the only one walking her down the aisle, she also disinvited SF from the wedding entirely. Because (for her anyway) this wasn't about honoring her SF or loving him, honestly it wasn't about HIM at all. He was going to be part of the wedding because BM wanted it. Once BM didn't want that any more, that was it. *shrug*

Oh, the epilogue to this tale is that Future Husband 4 ended up not leaving his wife as he told BM he would. She has taken H3 back until she can find a new FH4, and she even brought H3 to the wedding as her guest. He wasn't in the wedding party though. Guess no one wants the reminder of him in the wedding pictures once BM finally DOES find the next guy.

Poodle's picture

Wow Allyskoo, your BM is a piece of work.
My dad abused us as kids so my nephew walked me down the aisle! It was a lovely bond we shared that day as I had a big hand in his upbringing.

ChiefGrownup's picture

My nephew escorted me down the aisle, too. For me, it's not about being "given" like property. I certainly didn't "belong" to my nephew.

But I belonged to him DNA-wise and it felt good to have someone representing the good parts of my family as an escort. I've done plenty of things in life alone, I did not want to make the trip down the aisle by myself. Furthermore, it was a lovely piece of symbolism to show that you are going from one stage of life to another, lovingly and joyfully stepping away from one family to create an entirely new family.

My nephew absolutely loved doing it and I was very proud to have him.

(My father died when I was a child, my SF was long divorced from crazy mother, and I didn't want my brother involved)