Vacation off on bad footing
Dh and I rarely vacation. So shortly we will take a much needed one, and I have booked an awesome resort for a few days. It is a long drive, so we will leave very early. Sounds great right?
Dh wants to stop on the way at his estranged daughter's college and visit with her. I have no engagement with her at all so what would I do? Sit in the car? I should add this is her last year and he has not been there once. So it will likely be a tour, etc and certainly take a few hours knowing my dh. Yes, our route will take us close by, but what will I do for that time? Other than to stew and be ready to leave dh there!!
Does this man have a brain in his head? I told him his daughter will not like being a stop on his vacation anymore than I will like it. I told him to drive there any other time, stay overnight given it is hours from our home.
So now we are both angry at the time of what should be a great vacation? Is he trying to ruin it? Seriously, how could you be so clueless? I am just disgusted.
^^^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^^ I'd
^^^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^^
I'd do it just for spite. Be sweet as pie to her. Then gloat that her sister is going to throw a fit about it.
I think they do sometimes
I think they do sometimes subconsciously sabotage because the guilty daddy part of them feels guilty for doing things without them
I am sorry step aside, but
I am sorry step aside, but just looking at her would make me sick. I would feel like exploding!! No, going and visiting with her I will not do, nor will I sit in the car for hours in a corn field. The man is being unreasonable.
Exactly step aside, this is
Exactly step aside, this is all about convenience. Only in your case, at least you were staying in that town and had other options. Here, we are miles from our destination, and i would be stuck in the car or a coffeehouse waiting for dh to return from kissing her you know what. Ha!! No way!
Instead, I will be checking in to a grand hotel, getting a nice drink or two while I lounge by the pool. Now why would I want it the other way? Lol.......
And you know what, I bet dh does NOT drive up to see her this semester! He still hangs on to her, but it is driven more by guilt than anything.
Say no thanks it is your
Say no thanks it is your time too. He needs to do that on his own time.
Have you asked your DH that?
Have you asked your DH that? ("What do you think I'm going to do while you visit? Sit in a hot car waiting for you?") Or do you already know he expects you to visit as well? This sounds like you guys have totally different visions of how this will go down, and in HIS vision (in which, I suspect, you come visit and everything is pleasant) you're being unreasonable. He needs some clarity about what you will and won't do (like seeing her at all, if that's not in your plans) so he can adjust his vision - only then will he understand what's reasonable and what's not.
Holy hell to the no. What an
Holy hell to the no. What an idiot.
If it's so important to see his estranged daughter, he can make his own plans for some other time and not involve you. Seeing as how he's not done it before now......I think it can wait. And we all know, it probably won't happen if he has to do it on his own.
So, after all this time he
So, after all this time he picks now to visit his spoiled brat? What if she's in class or something and she's not able to visit? You say you don't vacation often so I would hope that this is time for you both to be together and relax. What if he shows up and she tells him she doesn't want to visit? Is he going to pout and be miserable if she does that? This doesn't sound like a good way to begin your vacation. Since they are "estranged" why does your DH think that anything good can come from this? My DH's psycho brat of a daughter has been "estranged" for the past 16 months. It's been fabulous not having that crazy bitch in our lives. She declared that if daddy loves her that he will divorce me. She called daddy screaming and said horrible things to him. She told him that she will never speak or see him ever again unless he divorces me as princess doesn't like the way I "operate". He said "good riddance". He would never throw himself at her and most certainly wouldn't try to chase her down on our way to a vacation. It just wouldn't be a good way to start our trip.
My DH and I own a home that is approximately 5 hours away from where we live. We visit our property once a month for a few days at a time. We enjoy the drive; it's part of our vacation. It gives us a chance to talk and enjoy the scenery. I mention this to you as you mentioned that you and your DH will have a long drive to reach your destination. You guys should enjoy the drive and not ruin this valuable time chasing SD.
I get the feeling that the reason DH wants to visit his adult brat is because he wants to show her how much he cares about her. I wonder if he wants her to to think "oh look at how important I am. My daddy took valuable time that he is supposed to be spending with his wife to see me because I am sooooo important; I am #1. SM had to wait in the car for hours because I am a priority". I don't know, this is just how it feels to me. If the brat denies the visit, then DH can say to himself that he has tried.
If he needs to visit his ungrateful brat so badly then he should schedule a separate trip for himself so that you don't have to go and being exposed to this nonsense. All it's going to do is piss you off to watch him suck up to her and kiss her ass. You don't need this. In fact, he doesn't need it either but it sounds like he's hell bent on pleasing this bitch any way he can. It really is disgusting and I know how you feel as I too was exposed to this type of buffoonery prior to being ousted from psycho's life. Nothing good will come from this. I hope your DH wakes up, pulls his head out of his ass and doesn't pull this shit when you're trying to vacation. I hope you will have a great time and I will keep my fingers crossed for you that he doesn't visit SD and that you can spend quality time together.
You are right Amber. Guilt.
You are right Amber.
Guilt. He has tons, and when they talk, once in a blue moon, she sucker punches him with such comments that he is a poopy daddy because he has never visited her at college, or the other favorite line...." Mom's husband is more of a father to me than you!"
That guilt is not going to ruin my hard earned vacation.
I have been so looking forward, and tonight I feel deflated a bit.
But that is why God invented wine and girlfriends!! It so helps talking with people who understand.
Absolutely! Wine and
Absolutely! Wine and girlfriends and even us here on step talk are here to support you as many of us understand. My SD said some pretty nasty things to my DH. In fact, we were just talking about it around 10 minutes ago. That comment about SD's moms husband being more of a father than DH should be enough for DH to say "no more". Your SD owes your DH a HUGE apology. My rotten SD told my DH that he treats my kids better than he treated her. This is what really pissed him off (among a few other nasty things she said). He has cut her off and said he is done with her and he is so much happier without her stupid drama. I wish that your DH would come to the same point as my husband did; enough is enough. If he's such a bad father than why would he even waste his time. If your DH was such a bad father than why does she want him to visit with her. This disgusts me to no end. Good for you for not allowing his guilt to ruin your vacation. If her moms husband is more of a father to her than he can go visit her at college. What a nasty, spoiled bitch! I hope that he doesn't visit her as she doesn't deserve it and I hope you both just take off for your destination and forget about her nasty, spoiled ass.
Well Amber, whenever dh tells
Well Amber, whenever dh tells me she repeats this comment to him, I tell him to say, " Well then, let so and so pay your college tuition.
He says not a word.
Do I think that he has been insensitive and unemotional with them? Absolutely! I think it is a combination of who he is, and who he married. I think his father was rather abusive to him, and his ex certainly was.
I have heard his ex and daughters scream and curse him out, (through the phone when it dialed me accidentally), and he just doesn't react.
You know how some have a high tolerance for pain? His is verbal abuse.'
Newimprovmodel---You know, I
Newimprovmodel---You know, I have something to share about this. When my DH was chasing SD, he had to take her out around once a month to the finest restaurants of her choice and take her shopping. Mind you he has 2 really wonderful sons that he might see 4 times a year. But since princess is "needy" (translation: a fuck up) she got monthly attention. It made me sick. Just like your DH, I would call him out on it and he too would say nothing. Our therapist told me that the reason he did this was because DH knew he was being used and taken advantage of by SD. the therapist said that when I would point this out to him that he would remain silent because he knew he looked like a fool in front of me because he knew I was right and that he was stupid for chasing her. Perhaps this is how your DH feels and that's why he says nothing. No one with half a brain would call their parent screaming and then expect their tuition to be paid. I bet your DH continues to pay in the hopes that his spoiled princess will love him again. It won't work. When my DH cut off his lying, manipulative, thief of a brat daughter, this is when she got mad and the vicious attacks started. I don't think your SD is ever going to treat your DH with the respect that he deserves. It is sad that DH was abused and that he may seem unemotional and aloof. Perhaps this is an opportunity for he and his daughter to talk about this like civil adults. Nothing will get worked out with her abusing him and he allowing it to happen. This is a sad situation but I still believe that your vacation shouldn't be used to chase this brat.
I always hated this kind of
I always hated this kind of thing.
IDK why they always have to have an excuse to drag these rotten skids into everything.
It's not the last day of his life for heaven's sake
She'll be there on another day
A lot of college towns have
A lot of college towns have other attractions there, and I would find one of them and have DH drop me off there.
Isn't it always hilarious how
Isn't it always hilarious how the DH's never go without us? I have encouraged my DH to go alone, but I think he's done at maybe once or twice. Instead, every time he sees them, "we" have to see them. I dunno why this is, but I hear ya! You're not the only one.
Hi there DeeDeeTX-- I think
Hi there DeeDeeTX--
I think they want us there because they don't really want to visit these adult brats. They visit out of guilt. If they go then they can say " ok I did my effort and visited" and then when the visit is over, they can happily rejoin their wife or SO and drive away as fast as possible. It's like they are doing their duty and visiting out of guilt and then they want to resume their day. I wonder if visiting is challenging as they don't have much to say to each other. I know when DH would talk to SD on the phone he didn't really have much to say, he sounded unnatural and the conversation sounded forced. He would repeat the same things that he said on every conversation "it's so good to hear your voice"( this is the one thing he would say that really made me sick :sick: "you're doing a great job" "hang in there" "let's stay in touch" "let's have lunch". Oh it goes on and on and it made me sick. Thank god she's been out of our lives for around 16 months. I think some of these guilty daddies are actually afraid of their kids.
Tell him to pick you up at
Tell him to pick you up at the destination city airport because while he may drive you'll fly directly.
He had plenty of time to see
He had plenty of time to see his kid. Doesn't need to be done on your vacation. If it does, find a mall to be dropped off at. Have done that before with DH and something he is doing that I don't want to do.
Once again Cat nailed it!
Once again Cat nailed it! Cat--I always enjoy reading your advice and perspectives. I agree about the pouting. Either way there will be tension created by this bad decision to visit the step-brat. I also like the advice above where someone said that this isn't the last day of her life and that she will be there the next day. It would be interesting to find out what is driving this daddy to have to visit his snot nosed brat on what is supposed to be a vacation with his wife.
Sorry, accidental duplicate
Sorry, accidental duplicate post
No, sweetie, you drop him
No, sweetie, you drop him off, they hang out, you go get your nails done or to a movie and when they are done, you pick him up with a sweet fake Hullo to his SD. Everyone wins.
College towns usually have
College towns usually have lots of nifty things to do, from art galleries to green space to bookstores to spas and shopping. If he must visit his spawn (and I don't see why he can't do it later on his own time), drop HIM on campus, then you take the car and do what you want to do.
But really, when two people plan a vacation, it should be activities that both will enjoy. If this stop will make you miserable, then it should not be part of a vacation.
Oh I am holding my ground. I
Oh I am holding my ground. I told him he will be jeopardizing our relationship to do what? Visit his daughter at her college for first time in 4 years? When he can go any other he pleases, just not on our once every two year vacation?
Yes he is thick as mud, and it hurts sometimes.
I do believe that second marriages are so tough.
It is a college town. Book a
It is a college town. Book a salon appointment, kick DH out at the campus gates, go get a massage, and let DH wait on the curb until you are done if he finishes with SD before you finish at the salon. Move on to your vacation.
No need to stress over this.
Enjoy!