What is your biggest stepfamily related conflict?

Money
9% (34 votes)
Visitation conflicts
5% (19 votes)
Step-sibling rivalry
3% (13 votes)
Step-parent/step-child rivalry
23% (86 votes)
Discipline
12% (46 votes)
Making time for the marriage
6% (23 votes)
Ex issues
41% (153 votes)
Total votes: 374
Anonymous's picture

dealing with a bitter

dealing with a bitter controlling ex-wife and her horrendous ill behaved kids is hard. She is ruining her kids & they take after her. SHe's a horrible horrible person. I've never seen someone so nutso. Everyone hates the bitch.

Anonymous's picture

I feel so trapped...I can

I feel so trapped...I can totally relate to what you are saying...I have an awesome fiancee...We live together and have for almost 2 years...His ex is a lazy, non working, pill popping, psycho...The mother in law(Dads mom) is actually almost worse..
The ex has had 25 doctors in 5 years...She constantly on something...
She is head fucking an 11 girl...Saying atrocious things about me and her Dad. Things totally untrue and damaging to this kid....This child will never have a chance and here I am to clean up the mess...The younger child (5)is awesome and loves me to death ..he actually calls mom.
I am losing my mind...I feel angry- sometimes physically sick by the behaviors of these two grown women...They don't have anything better to do than to be hateful and awful because neither of them works! And now, the bitch has sued for child support..We have the kids 50% of the time and she is unemployed...So much for those raises we both got this year...Between the nutjob ex calling at all hours and my future mother inlaw being intrusive and totally on the exes side, sometimes it feels hopeless
I feel like even though my significant other and I have a great relationship, will we be able to weather the drama that these freaks inflict on us? We can't move because of custody limitations...I am starting to hate my once fantastic life...This bitch needs to move on..I took her power away and now she is punishing her own child (emotionally) she takes great pains in blaming me and the childrens dad for everything that goes wrong...She has never been held accountable for anything..Seriously, Id like to hold her accountable.. I have read all the stepparent books and none of them refer to the handling of a nutjob, they approach it with the assumption that you are dealing with normal people....So much for self help I guess

Frog44's picture

My situation

I know how you feel. If I had known now, what I knew then, I'm not sure if I would have taken the same route. I would like to think that I would have. OK, I can't lie. I would have. I love my husband more then life itself. We have a great relationship. And I can't imagine myself with anyone else.

However, when you don't even want to answer your own phone, and you're tired of hearing your step children talk about how mom's "hungover again" it really makes you think. Did I bite off more then I can chew? My husband and I are nearing the completion of our child support order, as our children are nearing the age of emancipation. It's been a long road. And it's been a road that I woulndn't want to travel again. I can't wait to end this trip and start a new one!!!!

I've been told that I don't care about the kids. That the kids have nothing to do with me. I've had to listen to my husband being told that he is the worst father on the face of the earth, called every name in the book, and told that he doesn't love his children. Why? Well because we didn't have to money to buy summer clothes, school clothes, shoes, sneakers, sports, and all sorts of other things. All this on top of child support. If child support doesn't cover that, I'd like to know what's it's supposed to cover. Oh yeah, their mother's drinking habit. She's a spoiled brat who uses intimidation and lies to get what she wants. I hold on to the hope that evil people get theirs someday. I feel sorry for her husband. What will happen to him when we're out of the picture and aren't taking the brunt of her attacks anymore.

I love my husband's children as if they were my own. I have no other children and love it when they are around. I used to worry about what their mother said about their dad and I would ruin any sort of relationship that we had. I was wrong. As a matter of fact, we realize that they see though their mother's lies. It's a good feeling.

Becky's picture

is she the same one?

Wow, sounds like the ex-wife/bm that is in our lives. The kids aren't too bad (dh has done a good job in this area)

Anonymous's picture

I read your statement and I

I read your statement and I thought oh my god that is my life! I am a step and a fed up one at that.... You are not alone.

Anonymous's picture

dealing with bitter

Sounds like my husbands ex....I get so frustrated I have asked him to have stepdaughter move out. Stepd is the rudest whiniest child I have ever met in my life.

stired_crazy's picture

I understand !!

WOW... I hear ya for real, Sounds like my boyfreinds x,
Hmmm.. maybe related..lol
I feel for you, I am going through it with him..
Wouldn't wish this crap on my worst enemie.
It all sounds like De'javue on this screen for real.

—

I saved a life today...ask me how HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!
Smiling

Persephone's picture

All of the above!

As a result of EX issues, we also have discipline, continous money demands, viistation conflicts, skid/SM rivalries. In one fell swoop. BM receives substantial CS and we share 50/50, she needs more money because she is getting married Puzzled , she was refused and told that after 10 yrs these are things she should be working out with her soon to be H, therefore she said the kids cannot go on a trip with us and turned it into the kids don't want to go because they don't like me or my kids. Well the skids went nuts and told her they are going, they like the trip and then she said it's because of their grades Shocked like she even has a clue what those are!

Oh such drama Barf!

BIOMOM's picture

Now, what do you think?

After being here for about 6 months, I can predict the outcome of this one! THE EX will win, hands down...everytime. I cannot think of one person here that does not resent the ex....well, maybe one or two people. But its always her fault!

Everyone likes to blame the biomom, but believe me, if you have MAJOR issues in your marriage, the biomom is only a symptom of the disease.

I remember posting that once and someone telling me that it was bullshit. She would have a perfect marriage if it weren't for biomom. Uh...........don't think so......

Lo and behold a few days later she was posting about her husband's abusive ways. THAT can not be attributed to bio.

IMHO!

Good poll, but definately an opening to bitch about the bio....again!

stamina's picture

absolutely true!

I could clearly see that any issues that I had re: my husband's ex and his kids were really issues about our relationship and how we as a couple dealt with concerns. You see the only one that was concerned about most of these "troubles" was me. They were essentially his family, his history, his circle of life.

In many posts the women have more of a burr in their butts than their husbands do. Take the burr out and get on with your life. The ex and the kids are here to stay.

Persephone's picture

Two-way Street

If you were to ask our BM what is her biggest conflict... it would be me (SM). Even though, I can count on both hands how many times her and I have interacted. I know this because, she has told me that "their" life was fine before I came along. They were divorced for 6yrs Puzzled She tells me DH has changed. He has. He is remarried and no longer available on a Friday night to help her move the furniture in the skids room, while her live-in boyfriend is at work.

OldTimer's picture

For me...

what I find funnier is that I don't blame the BM's for 'fault' or 'failure' in my marriage, no... I blame my DH! LOL. Eye-wink

The BM's I deal with are just mere annoyances and frustrations for me... but they aren't the direct cause for my husband and myself... no... that's my husband! LOL. Eye-wink

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

—

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

stired_crazy's picture

Hi

I like that quota..
Good one, i'll have to remember that one!
Smiling

—

I saved a life today...ask me how HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!
Smiling

Tina W.'s picture

I agree biomom

Its not the ex, the ex can't be a part of your lives or call your house, drop by, harass you in any way unless SHE is allowed to. Hey I've been there so many of these woman who complain need to realize its their husband who is the problem. I disagree with a lot of people on here and so would my hubby! You can change numbers, emails, ect. and have the support check sent to the court. It is possible to have minimal contact, and the biggest rule would be dh and wife make the rules in their house, with regards to raising of kids. BM should be given the same respect though. Thats how we did it, and the other ones I know who practice that have much better marriages.

Little Jo's picture

It's a tie between Money & Discipline!!

MONEY, Money, money. The shits really going to hit the fan in my camp soon. BF has been over paying the child support by about $ 100 bucks a week. ( That was the only way BM would sign the divorce papers ) We made it clear that cs would be adjusted every tax season. My guess is she forgot this small fact. And in a few weeks when BF drops the cs down to where it should be ( Maybe because we want to live and pay our bills ) BM is going to go clear off the deep end. It's not going to be pretty.

Discipline! What's that! The BM doesn't know what that word means.
I'ld like to smack her over the head with a dictionary.
Don't even get me started on the bullshit these kids learned by her lack of parenting skills.

Good poll Dawn. BioMom you crack me up.
JO

—

"May the forces of evil get confused on the way to your house." George Carlin

CplStv's picture

Since when are these actually seperate???

I know I'm about to get slammed hard by you ladies, but...
I am BD to a Son, and SD to 5 (S)Daughters and a (S) Son.

Due to various unresolved/partially resolved issues concerning All "Our" ( when We are fighting "Hers" and "My Son" ) Kids,Us,transportation, finances, Exes, etc. I have had severely limited with My Son, for several months, and have recently not had basically NO time with Him. When We have tried to discuss My Son coming here, and I questioned what it would take, and got what I Understood, by the wording and tone to be unreasonable conditions, I was WRONG and it turned into another episode of " You Care More about Your Ex, than Me and MY kids..."as usual...

The best part is I'm accused consistently of being "an abusive asshole" and "ridiculous in My Expectations of Behavior" but when the kids She doesn't Discipline push Her too far, She is at least as Harsh as I am, (in theory, She nearly never actually follows through)
or tells them "You are Steve's, I give up..." then when I actually ride Them and MAKE Them and DO WHAT THEY SHOULD, She starts fighting with Me about My Methods of Enforcement, etc. It's EFFECTIVE, I DON'T Corporaly Discipline Them, but I accept NO BOGUS EXCUSES, If It ISN'T Done, They don't get "breaks" every two seconds, etc. until I Give Up and let Them off.

Then if I say something about spending Money for a hotel or staying somewhere else for a day or two on weekends, so I can Have time with My Son, instead of Sympathy, I get how where I'm going is So Horrible and why can't/won't I bring Him Here, when She is the one who has said "He isn't welcome in (Her) House..."

I could go on forever, but I will stop now, because I am getting too far from the root point I was trying to make...sorry.

Steve

—

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Anne 8102's picture

I'm shocked!

I would've thought it would be money first with visitation running a very close second. (I think "ex issues" is kind of a broad term and could include all these other things, so maybe that's skewing the results. I dunno.) My vote was for visitation (obviously!) because that's the biggest problem we have and fallout from that trickles down into just about every aspect of our life. I mean, we definitely have gone rounds with the skids' mother, but it was mostly about visitation and access to the children. I guess that could be considered an "ex issue," since the ex was the one who has refused visitation, but I guess I don't see the problem as being an "ex issue." To me, it's about visitation, not so much about personalities or ancient history.

~ Anne ~

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áƒĻāŽ anne|8102 āŽáƒĻ

Candice's picture

For us...the problems start with the ex

Our bm use to be a really really bad mom...she has done some growing up (slowly), and now I call her a superflake. For us, we don't have money issues with her b/c she is now paying us cs (even though it's a reduced amount, and we don't have consistent payments) it doesn't cause any issues in our relationship, or problems in working with her. We still have a roof over our head, and food in our bellies, so we just don't lose sleep over cs.

Our stress today is much different than it was 6 years ago...and most of it revolves around her flaking out on ss, or on us. She definitely has committment issues...whether it be committing to a s.o., or disicpline, she just can not ever follow through with anything she ever promises. And it can be hard to work with at times.

skye22's picture

My biggest issue is not

My biggest issue is not feeling the same about bio son and ss. It is hard for me to treat them as equals.

proud mom's picture

please tell me how you are

please tell me how you are dealing with this it seems that my fiance is in the smae boat he says he cares for my kids but doesn't love them I just don't understand

—

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

happy's picture

I would have to say

Its how differently my husband and I were both raised. Which is exact opposites..

I am a tough love parent.
He is not tough on his kids at all..

That is probably it..
Happy

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Happy

YoungStepMomof2's picture

Discipline differences

YoungStepMomof2
OMG, my hubby and I have this tremendous problem as far as disciplining, when his kis are in my home they don't listen to me and we always fight whenever they come. When they're not around everything is perfect. In his eyes they don't do anything wrong, but yet they break everything, hit my son, disrespect me and he says nothing. He feels since he doesnt see them much he shouldn't, which is totally wrong, because what about me. I have changed so much with those kids, I went from loving them, spoiling them, taking them everywhere, to not being able to stand them. I even get mad when they call him and all you hear is their mother asking the lil girl what to say to him in the background. The lil girl is so evil, if her own brother doesnt do what she says, she threatens him to have the neighbors calling BCW on them when they're home alone! I almost had an abortion because of her.

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Ana

happy's picture

I am so sorry

that sounds terrible.

Yeah I do not get these men of ours.. Why is it so easy for us to see what they are doing is wrong.. Its like take off your freaking blinders and wake up.

Although I have to say I am partially proud of the hubby. Last night we got his daughters grades 3 f's and a d and he is threatening taking away her cell phone. Which is a good thing because she is texting at school when she should be doing school work.. you know.. Its at least a step for him..

Talk to you tomorrow..
happy

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Happy

Realist's picture

I clicked several others...

like step-sibling rivalry and visitation and then I figured that all of these stem from the ex. Never met her, don't want to, she doesn't give me a hard time, there's no yelling, no abuse....

BUT - she can't pack a bag for her child, can't discipline her child, doesn't spend quality time with her and is generally inept at parenting.

THEREFORE - her lack of parenting causes visitation difficulties, step-sibling rivalries, issues about money (money to buy clothes that she should be buying and paying for activities she should be paying for)

1 negative + 1 positive = a negative Smiling

OldTimer's picture

I didn't vote because I have two...

Money and Visitations seem to be our biggest issues. I have two BM's to deal with. BM1 always wanted to take away our time, and BM2 seems to be playing a game, run by the system, for money.

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

—

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

stamina's picture

I wish parenting came with a manual!

That is not unique to step parenting believe me! I wish parenting came with a manual. There is never one right answer to any question about parenting...there are always many answers to the same question in different circumstances.

Daddysgirl's picture

Discipline is our issue, but not due to the EX

Each of our children have VERY different personalities. I have 2 girls (3 and 5) DH has 1 boy (3). DH and I were raised very different, and have different opinions on how each situation should be handled. SS gets away with a lot, but more because DH does not want him to "dread" coming home to Dad that punishes him, and doesn't want SS to rather be with BM where he is an only child. He is still punished, just not in the same mannor as my girls... it gets under my skin, but we are working through it. The older the kids get and more comfortable they become with being a blended family, the EASIER it is to create rules and punishments that apply to ALL kids in our home. SO our issue it more between US than having anything to do with BM. She can't help the fact that there are NO kids at her house for him to argue with and not share and whatever other issues come along with being siblings... he does not have any reason to be punished much. She does lack in that area... and does not punish him as often as she should. He gets away with a lot there, like back talking and completely ignoring her... BUT- she will change her ways. It was a huge eye opener when he shattered her car window by throwing rocks last week, because SHE allows him to throw rocks. She will learn the hard way and that is not our problem, it is hers. He knows his boundries at our house... and takes advantage of his mom every chance he gets...

sosmomof6's picture

I guess it would be BM issues....

even though I voted for Money. I'll explain~ yes, there are visitation issues and there are CERTAINLY issues with her....but what bothers me most is that we have to PAY the bitch, and that I know she loves getting our family's money to do whatever she decides with. She got power, she got control. I can't stand knowing that such a horrible person gets rewarded for her actions. I hesitate to call her the Ex, because she's not the ex-wife. She was a slut, coming from her own mouth. We have no issues with SS as far as anything else goes.

Man, I long for the day when BM's could be denied support when they deny visitation.....

Renee G's picture

guess we're the lucky ones!

It's a pretty close tie between
Step-sibling rivalry
and
Step-parent/step-child rivalry

since we have the kids all the time, we've virtually eliminated the issues that come with dealing with the BM or BF (correct form of birth-father? or is that boyfriend? LOL! Not funny if used out of context!!!) on a regular basis, but they DO come up and cause problems between us and the kids, or between the kids because the KIDS bring them up and cause friction. Things like at "At MOMs house we got to this all the time" or "You ALWAYS treat [insert name of any other child in the house here] better than me because I'm not yours".
I wish they'd get it through their heads that they are ALL OURS. But it's going to to take years....I try to be patient

renee - *blend

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renee - *blend