How has the current arrangement been working(meaning, they obviously haven't been staying with you on BM's days, so where have they been?)

If it isn't broke, don't fix it. My own opinion: about the time YOU need to do something in those few hours between kids getting off the bus and BM picking them up, you'll get a shitstorm about not being able to watch them. So, unless you want to be recognized (and monetarily compensated) for providing after school care, I'd say no.

And yes, there is a boundary between babysitter and stepmom. Because babysitters seem to have way more latitude than stepmoms do...

IMHO, I sure do hope your DH has NOT already discussed this with BM prior to discussing with you. That could be ugly.

he wants me to pick the kids up (all of them) even on ex's days and keep them until she picks them up at our house
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I do think that SAHMs should help DH's with their kids on their own time. NOT on BM's time. That's absurd.

Now how to tell you DH that you are not going to do it, without him getting all butt hurt.

Do you have any hobbies? Maybe just tell him that you will get more done when BM has the kids on her days. So they will have to go to BMs when it is BMs time. Or something like that.

I don't think you are being a bitch at all, these are not your kids and you should not have to watch them, especially on their mom's time. Let them both know right now that you are NOT the babysitter.

Do not let them use you, you are not there for their convenience. Just say, "No."

Does he want you to do this so he doesn't have to pay for after care? What is his reasoning for the boy no longer staying at mom's house on her days?

I wouldn't do it myself. He is expecting you to be a babysitter. Whether its because he wants to save some money, document that the ki are with him more for a custody battle or for a child support evaluation, whether its just because he has a rosy happy all in the family view of life, I don't know. But it sounds like he has a not so reasonable ex, so I wouldn't be going for any more involvement myself. It's incredibly nice of you to be picking his kid up at all.

But I would try to figure out his reasoning before I ever got close to walking down the aisle. If he sees you as a "new mom" for his kids, he may decide that the day after the honeymoon is a great time to try to go for full custody, he may have a sudden relapse on not understanding boundaries.... I'm not sure how soon the wedding is supposed to be, but you may want to consider postponing until the finer points of all this are worked out. Things in step situations don't usually get better after the wedding, they usually get a Lot worse.

I am a diehard boundary guy. Rather than an issue with BM's boudaries this is an issue with your boundaries. You have set your reasonable boundaries, you should reasonably expect that your SO will support you in maintaining those boundaries, and you should not worry about BM other than to give her clarity on your boundaries and bringing the pain down on her when she tests your boundaries.

If SO can't respect and support you in maintaining your boundaries then you have some thinking to do on this relationship. Your a widow who's first husband put you and his/your children as his priority. You must do the same IMHO and not allow any future partners to jeopardize your security and the security of your children.

If your SO is a true and equity life partner he will not detract from that commitment that you and your first husband made to yourself and your children even to provide an advantage to his own children.

Good luck.

I don't have a problem with you doing it if you want to but even then I am worried about the precedent it sets. Where will this end? You going to be a free babysitter when she goes on a date or vacation? I think I'd say no on principle more than anything else.

If anyone asks why all you need say is "It's just too much". No further answer is needed and if someone pushes look them in the eye and say "No".

I would very occasionally have the kids over after school, but it would be days like when it's storming and you wouldn't want them alone. The little one in after school care wouldn't be necessary on those days though. Maybe on days were the BM had to take one of them for an appointment. It would be days when I felt I were truly doing it for the kids and making it safer or less hectic for them...it would never be days just to make it easier for BM (they're her kids and your role is not to be the convenient babysitter).

The BM weeks are your days totally free of skids and days you get to focus on spending time with your own children. Having the skids over (for whatever reason your partner has decided you should) takes away your own mother/children time. Spending time with my own would be the priority for me and I wouldn't feel guilty about it one bit. Your late husband set you up to be able to be a SAHM and be there and spend quality time with your kids. Why give up the precious gift he's given you?

Its very considerate of you to pick up the skids on BMs time and responsibility. And even though you THINK you'll be helping DH and everything will be peachy keen if you just bring them back home with you on HER time, its going to blow up in your face. As long as its convenient for BM to let you have them she will let you, but then when she gets a whiff of the kids preferring time over at Dad's with you than her, she's going to come back and cause problems. You are really putting yourself in the middle already by picking up his kids for him and so far "no harm-no foul" but eventually someone is going to get pissed that you are doing moms job for her: you, BM, the skids, maybe even DH. I just think that all though you have good intentions, you need to make sure you aren't going to get caught up in the DH/BM drama that has filled this site for years. If Ive learned anything it is to not do BMs job for her even if its at the expense of the kids. If its a serious issue then DH can step in and get involved.

No & since they are delegating chores to you like you are one of their kids, I wouldn't be picking them up from school on BM's days either.

Your SO, right? Not your DH? Do you even live together? Does he live n your home? I wouldn't be keeping them on his days either.

I know you like the kids, but they are obviously taking advantage of you.

saying she "wouldn't be paying you a dime" as if it was her choice, like you can't say no! WTF.

I would look at your fiance & smile extra sweetly & Say... "How wonderful of you to find me a way to make a little pocket money for the extras. How much do you and BM think is reasonable for child care for 5 days a week?"

As soon as I started mat leave (which is a year in Canada), BM asked DH if I could take SD when she's not in school (which would be 2-3 days a week, plus our weekends...she was in kindergarten at the time), and I laughed so hard. We pay this woman a massive amount of CS, and now she wants me to be her free babysitter? It's just like her anyway, she thinks I'm an idiot. No way I was watching SD 80% of the time while we continue to pay BM...so I said to DH "sure, if we can stop paying CS and have 50/50 since we're going to have her at least 50% of the time anyway" She obviously didn't want that, and that shut her up pretty fast. I think sometimes they just like to see how far they can get with you.

Don't do it. Don't be SAHM with step kids. Don't do it. I am telling you from experience. It will be the end of you. Do not SAHM your stepkids.

No.

Make the boundaries clear now. HE (& bm) is responsible for his kids, you are responsible for yours. Helping out with something now and then and offering to do something small that isn't much inconvenience is one thing... taking on major responsibilities like this is another.

And the fact that he talked to BM about it before YOU would infuriate me. That alone would be cause for me to say absolutely NOT. If you want to request my help with something, then ask me, do not E V E R discuss me, my schedule, etc. with bm without my okay.

I learned this stuff the hard way.

Bm used to tell dh all the time that *I* should be taking days off work sometimes when sd can't go to school, that *I* should be babysitting when he is working on his time, that I *have* to take sd when she is out of town during her custody time and dh has to work. (Oh, yeah, but don't 'play mommy')

She even once asked dh to take sd her week while she was out of town- he said no problem, except she would need to pay for childcare the day he was working. She said she would only pay until I got home from work. And he agreed to that ... and guess what... she never paid (eye roll). So dh took sd during bm's time, I babysat for free in the evening, *AND* he had to pay for child care during HER custody time.

And she won't take her for 2 hours in the morning when there is a school delay on dh's day.

The point is, it sounds like you are dealing with a similar bm. The only way to stay sane will be to have clear boundaries. Boundaries are not for other people, they are for YOU.

Learn to say No.

I'm not a SAHM, but our BM can't seem to care for her own kid either. When SD isn't with us, BM picks her up just to drop her off somewhere else. SD is a total pain the ass, but I do feel bad for her; she doesn't really have a mom.