You are here

Can't help it

Alwaysannoyed's picture

I don't post much but lately I'm having a hard time controlling how I feel. I could use some feed back on how to get a new perspective. My SD 10 is with us 5 days a week, she's not really a bad kid but is a mini wife to dad and attention seeker and a bit of a fibber. These things annoy me but what drives me insane is the way she acts around our BD 20months. Examples of these things that are honestly at this point pissing me off are... If anyone comes to the house she comes running into the room stomping across the house to get there as fast as she can. If the guests are my family, friends or SO's friends and I am holding BD she runs up to us says hello to guest answers guests questions to her and then stands a foot away stepping side to side or walking around us in circles as guest is trying to say hello to BD for a moment SD is saying hello BD can you say my name over and over. I should mention BD has stranger danger so if it's not someone she sees on a regular basis she won't let me put her down for a bit until she's ready, so this will go on for a while when BD does let me put her down SD makes her sit on her lap or leads her away from guest. I have actually seen BD trying to get up from lap as SD grabs at her to hold her back from getting up. If guest is SO's family this behavior goes on as well and the second they try to hold or kiss BD, SD is I want a kiss, can I hold her so instead of family member getting to hold her SD holds her answering their questions about SD and so on. If we meet friends or family out at a restaurant after we've all been greeted and sit everyone talks to SD asks her questions and so on but the second someone turns to to talk to BD if SD is able to get out from where she is sitting, she jumps up and stands next to high chair interrupting and saying hi BD can you say my name or say hi, say this, say that until person asks SD some more questions about herself, then will just continue to stand there waiting for someone to look her way or she is asked to sit, but will do this several times while we are there. The whole thing is I know your all thinking she just wants some attention as well but I am not even exaggerating a little SO and his Family lavish this kid with attention, it's actually sickening. Also when we are just hanging around house whenever BD and SD are playing if BD wants to come over to me SD stops her if she can. SD will call BD's name over and over, try and distract her with toy, jump in her way over and over, tickle her, honestly anything she can do with out saying no don't go to her. If BD does manage to get to me SD will stand a foot away from us stepping side to side silently and won't move if I pick up BD she will follow until I put BD down. I sometimes try to make light of situation joking with SD did you want me to pick you up too. She'll fake an awkward laugh maybe play with the dog for a few minutes and just go awkwardly pace around, dance around the room, if I'm lucky she'll actually walk away and go entertain herself for a bit. Also this one I guess I understand SO can not pay one second of attention to BD without SD getting in the mix, I just thought she would lighten up as BD got older but nope. There is so much more but I would be here all day. I can't say anything to SO because he doesn't see it and is super defensive about SD I can not say anything about her unless it's a positive thing. Funny thing is she annoys SO to no end he always says it hmmm if she annoys you so much and she's yours how do you think I feel. I just don't know how to handle being around her she is starting to make my blood boil. I try to be busy when she's around until dinner then I can't help but be forced to be around her until bed time, but there are only so many excuses I can make up to get out of the house every day lol. Is there anyone out there that can relate to my situation and have any advice for me????

Alwaysannoyed's picture

Oh and I forgot to mention that I can't parent my BD in anyway when SD is around with out her stepping in to repeat everything I am saying does it to SO as well sometimes he says I got it SD but usually just lets it go. If I am showing BD something she's got to jump in and show her to, if I'm reading a story she wants to read to her. When it's bed time if BD's door is open she comes in while I get her into pj's and I have to tell her it's time to say goodnight for her to go. If the door is closed she paces around in the hall so she can come in and say goodnight, if I'm giving BD a bath if door is partially open she comes in and wants to help if we are finishing up when she walks in she just stands there in our way and watches then proceeds to follow us into bedroom to watch BD get dressed, if bathroom door is closed she paces around outside of it until we come out and of course follows us into bedroom. When I walk in door after work she comes running out of her room barely says hello to me and it's hi BD following us from room to room as I put things down or go to change a diaper. If I come home and don't have BD yet she runs out barely says hello then walks away and goes to her dad and I hear her say where is BD she can't even ask me. When SD wakes in the morning she comes running looking for BD after breakfast while me and BD are getting dressed and ready we usually do this in my bedroom SD paces around outside our door heavy breathing until we come out. If the door is not closed all the way she just comes in and starts playing with BD doesn't even knock and I have to say can you please go finish getting ready and let us get dressed please. I don't know there is more believe me but is it me or does it seem SD is abnormally obsessed with SD or am I just being a jerk. I've just never seen a sibling behave this way even ones with large age gaps.

Alwaysannoyed's picture

I do ignore it, won't pay any mind to SD when she's doing it, I actually act like she's not even there. If SO is there I could never say that, he would be pissed ( again he doesn't notice this behavior) and trying to say it out of SD's ear shot is impossible unless I send her to play with BD in another room because if BD is in the room she will not walk away not even for a min. I have gotten looks from close friends when they see this behavior.

Alwaysannoyed's picture

Mix Foxie, SD is the treasured child to her whole family SO's parents only come to visit when SD is here we are only invited over to their house when we have SD, they even take her and her alone for special outings and sleep overs, same with aunts and uncles. Company comes over to see everyone and believe me SD is not ignored, she is the first one anyone says hello to before BD most times. She is also asked lots of questions and is not by any means ignored. So I don't understand why if anyone turns there attention to BD for a moment she has to interrupt. It's not once in a while it's every time. If a guest is asking me a question about BD she answers for me. If there is more than one guest and others are talking to SD she practically ignores them to get to the one guest talking to me and BD. And RilkaGR problem is SO does not let me parent SD oh I can cook, clean, drive her to school and entertain her I can parent when he is not around but if he is there and I say anything SO has a problem with it and yes I know that is a major problem. Things SD does are only a problem if they bother SD the rest of the world is supposed to believe she farts rainbows she's so perfect. Funny thing is she annoys SO a lot and he admits it to. If SO is not around I do tell SD to go do something else here and there. Have even asked her if there is a reason she stops BD from coming over to me to which she responded no and walked away. So I honestly feel lost in how to handle it. It's obviously SO only makes problem worse and it's getting to the point where I dread her presence.

Alwaysannoyed's picture

It does suck, and after almost 2 years of BD being around and SD still getting all the attention she got if not more you would think that this behavior would lessen but instead it has intensified.

ChiefGrownup's picture

In addition to whatever step/sibling dynamics are going on, girls that age are desperate to feel important and show
how grown up they are. Many of them "love" babies at that age and will glom on to any toddler at church, whatever.

I just went to a wedding and you should have seen that batch of 10-12 year old girls taking charge of gifts, signing book, and other small chores they'd been assigned. You would have thought they were National Security Advisers with the safety of the nation on their shoulders.

My advice is to give the girl a job to do when guests arrive. Have some guest treats and napkins and plates and glasses on hand at all times. These are specifically for guests and SD is responsible for bringing them out and serving them when guests show up. They can just be paper party things or simple items from Ikea and a box of shortbread cookies or something.

The point is it is special and it's up to her to see it's done! She will feel important and it will keep her busy and focused away from the toddler. Add on as many special little tasks as you can think of, all fun in some way, to keep her busy. Even get a guest book for your home if you need to, that she's in charge of.

Another fun way to keep her busy and engaged properly with guests is a brilliant idea my best friend had with her daughter. She gave her five dollars for every guest whose eye color the kid could accurately report. The rule was she couldn't just go up and stare or ask. She had to engage them in proper conversation and make eye contact. My friend's idea at the time was to get her over shyness and teach social skills, but it would work great it in your situation, too. Think up some more of these tricks on your own.

You might also teach the older child some silly song and then tell her solemnly it is her job as Big Sister to teach it to the baby. Throw in some hand gestures. Then the kids can perform together for guests. She will get her "baby" fix in and in an appropriate way. Your guests will praise her for teaching the baby. It's all good.

Alwaysannoyed's picture

Thank you those are all very good ideas, we are having company tonight I will have her handle a few things and see how it goes.

Alwaysannoyed's picture

Thank you those are all very good ideas, we are having company tonight I will have her handle a few things and see how it goes.