BM saying DH needs to pay for SD's insurance or pay child support
I haven't posted on here in a while but something happened today and I wanted to get your take on it.
For the past year (since SD started kindergarten), DH and I have had SD full time. BM takes SD on Saturdays and winter/spring break and she had her for part of the summer. Problem is, DH is a b&^%$ and never went to court to update their custody arrangement (DH will do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation with BM or anyone else). According to the court records, they still have SD 50/50.
SD has been on BM's insurance which is free insurance from the state (BM is on welfare). Now today, BM calls DH and said she has been receiving letters from the state saying (I don't know the exact wording- this is how BM told the story) that DH needs to start paying child support and/or pay for SD's insurance himself.
DH and I are on my insurance through my employer. DH's employer does not offer insurance. But my main issue is that we have SD, what, 85% of the time? Why should WE have to pay extra anything?? It seems like BM is the one who should be paying US, not the other way around!
I understand the court thinks BM still has SD 50% of the time, which she doesn't, but if they knew the current arrangement, would that change anything?
I guess this is more of a vent- our state is SUCH a BM state, it's ridiculous!
its pretty typical for the
its pretty typical for the father to carry the insurance.
around here (MA) the state does NOT want anyone on state insurance that can be covered under a parent's plan.
you should be able to cover SD on your insurance (provided you provide the birth certificate showing she's your husband's daughter and your marriage cert showing he's your husband) and unless you have a Single +1 plan, it probably wont cost you anything. The way our family plans work is you can have a family of 2 or a family of 20 and its the same monthly premium.
teh other thign is usually the parent who doesnt pay for the insurance is responsible for the first $250 in uninsured expenses.
I totally see why the state
I totally see why the state shouldn't have to pay out for insurance if the kid can be covered under the parent's plan- but since it is only MY employer that offers coverage, I guess I am confused what our obligations would be. Am I really obligated to pay insurance for someone else's child? I have checked into it before and it would cost me quite a bit each month to add her, which is why we never did.
My point exactly. Thank you!
My point exactly. Thank you!
Agreed 100%.
Agreed 100%.
When I question DH on why he
When I question DH on why he won't go to court, he says because he doesn't want a custody battle. I say why is it going to be a battle? Him and BM already are in agreemeent on the arrangement, they would just be getting it put in writing. I guess he thinks if BM is going to lose all or part of her state benefits, she will try to take more custody of SD or make his life hell in some other way.
You're right, she probably
You're right, she probably would win just because she has a vagina. Smh.
BM doesn't work so there is no way (supposedly) that she can give money.
I feel like I am stuck in the middle because I am the only one who can provide insurance for SD but she is not my child and I should not have to do it! Not only am I concerned about paying for it, but what happens when BM takes SD to the emergency room for an earache as she is known to do because her insurance is free so why not? Am I going to be stuck with a $300 ER bill for an ear infection? I just honestly want no part in this mess!
I guess if they end up taking
I guess if they end up taking him to court over it, he will just have to show proof that his employer doesn't offer insurance and hopefully that will be enough.
I have a feeling BM may be up
I have a feeling BM may be up to something too. I was questioning why those letters were going to BM and not to DH in the first place.
now that i think about it, if
now that i think about it, if she's on welfare, and the state thinks she has her 50-50, her food stamps and such are probably based on her having a child 50% of the time. therefore, by not resolving this and having it formally documented that the child is with you the majority of the time, she is probably getting a greater welfare benefit than she should be
Yup, that was one of my
Yup, that was one of my points when I tried to get DH to go to court for custody mod (not really a mod, just getting their current arrangement in writing). BM gets food stamps and God knows what else and she hardly ever even has SD!
^^^^^^^THIS is why BM is
^^^^^^^THIS is why BM is pushing the issue. In my state, if BM is receiving state benefits (including kids insurance), state will make BM pursue insurance and/or child support from non custodial parent. I suggest your DH modifies custodial agreement as it appears BM may be receiving state benefits indicating she is custodial parent.
Ok so that explains why the
Ok so that explains why the letters are going to BM then. I was wondering why they would go to BM instead of directly to DH.. This is all coming together.. BM is trying to get DH to just put SD on our insurance because she knows she can't take him to court for child support because we have SD full time!
Thank you so much! I will
Thank you so much! I will definitely start keeping a log. We have the same schedule every week (we have SD all week for school, she goes to BM on Saturday then comes back to us on Sunday) but I will just put it in writing. It would be great if it actually went to court. I don't know what DH is so afraid of - I mean I get that he is afraid of losing his time with SD, but this just isn't right. BM should be the one paying US child support.
Unless this is something you
Unless this is something you want to do for your husband, don't.
Your husband should be protecting YOU from this kind of predation on your salary/benefits.
Gather all the documentation you can showing the child is with you 95% of the time. This should be emails, notes, daycare pickup sign-in sheets, etc. Then submit it to the state/welfare office/whatever. Notify them the child lives with YOU. Your husband will supply the insurance, but you are now making a claim for child support against the mom.
Really, this is a hard one. You don't want to be adversarial with your husband but he needs to show with his actions that BM does not rule your roost. He can pay out of pocket for a separate plan for the child, if need be, but he needs to also get your family's rights down in writing. As it is, BM can swoop in and take that kid any time she wants - how's he gonna stop her? So instead he's just whistling past the graveyard hoping she doesn't go "boo!"
BM flung out a gauntlet. Pick it up and file it in court.
It's a really hard one. I've
It's a really hard one. I've been on DH for a LONG time to get back to court and get their arrangement in writing but he just refuses. We have proof SD lives with us- she is registered for school at our address and in DH's name (BM lives 2 hours away). This is nuts!!
Since BM is on welfare, it's
Since BM is on welfare, it's really in his best interest to go in and have everything go through the courts. Sooner or later the state will go after him to recover the money they are spending to support SD.
I am afraid of that
I am afraid of that happening. I just don't know how to get him to go to court. He is so afraid of losing time with SD he is putting everything at risk to not make waves with BM.
EXACTLY. And it is probably
EXACTLY. And it is probably too late. All the time she's been with you full time that the mom has been receiving benefits (legally, I might add), they can come after him for reimbursement. Until the court papers are changed, she is doing this legally. Doesn't mean it's right, but according to the state, the child is her responsibility and she qualifies for benefits and the dad should be paying her child support that he is not.
Regarding comments about "free" health insurance, it doesn't matter if the father can get health insurance at work or not. He will have to get his own policy for the child if not through his wife's work policy. The child is only able to get "free" health insurance if both parents don't have access and can't afford (by the state's standards) a policy. If Mom has a "free" policy on her and they find out Dad should have had her insured, they can come after Dad's money.
I just wish I could get DH to
I just wish I could get DH to wake the hell up! I've been on him for over a year to go to court and get the new arrangement in writing but he just refuses. I definitely see this coming back to bite him and sooner rather than later.
BM can't say shit for nothing
BM can't say shit for nothing about crap for anything. Do what the CO says. And since your DH has the SKid far more than % of the time take your associated documentation to court, get custody, and nail BMs ass to the CS wall.
As for the insurance.... I carried my Skid on my insurance for nearly his entire life. Mine was better and cheaper than my wife's company sponsored insurance so all three of us were on mine. DickHead (the NCP Sperm Idiot) had to pay for half of the increase in premium to cover the Skid which was only $15/mo and added to his CS.
So, before this gets out of control add the Skid to your insurance and add that documentation to the rest that you have that can bare BMs ass and go get custody.
Take control. It far beats being BMs victims.
I can't really add her to my
I can't really add her to my insurance unless I have some kind of guarantee I will be repaid. It will increase my insurance by $75 per PAY ($150/month). I am not paying that kind of money for someone else's child. Not to mention how spiteful BM is, I can totally see her rushing SD to the ER for every little thing just to try and stick me with the bill or cause drama. I want no part of it. DH and BM will have to figure out the insurance issue.
But yes, agree DH needs to get to court ASAP. Ugh! He's such a b%$#^ when it comes to SD and BM!
Your DH needs to get his own
Your DH needs to get his own policy on her or apply himself to see if he qualifies for the state plan.
He makes too much to qualify
He makes too much to qualify for state insurance but he can't really afford a private plan for her. It would be at least $400 a month without employer assistance (which he does not have). I have no idea what he is going to do. The first step I think is going back to court because once they realize DH has her full time now, they might not even say he needs to provide the insurance. Who knows. I can't win because I am wrong no matter what I say when it comes to SD.
I'd want to see the letters.
I'd want to see the letters. Then if true petition for custody as its being performed now, appropriate child support and assignment of other expenses.
I would like to see them too.
I would like to see them too. DH will be meeting BM and picking up SD tomorrow (BM gets her for Saturday nights) so I will tell him to have BM bring the letters.
Your DH has been a fool.
Your DH has been a fool. What's going to happen is a good chance he is going to owe the State for the child's portion of the benefits BM has been receiving for the child. And rightly so. Why should the taxpayers of your state be paying for his child's healthcare under the delusion that said child is living with her BM 50% of the time who can not feed her, afford medical care? The state pays yet no records show she has bothered to go after her ex for child support... yes even with a 50/50 CS can be ordered when state benefits are involved.
In an usual case when child support is ordered and goes through the state agency, a small amount is taken directly from the CS before it being delivered to the receiving parent if the receiving parent has the child on Medicaid. Kinda like paying a 'premium' to the state.
I imagine what is happening with BM and the 'letters' is they are informing her she must make an appointment to come in and go through a CS enforcement review. They don't intend to keep handing her benefits and health card until they know everything has been done that can be to 'help' the mother cover some of this through seeking the father out. Of course BM doesn't want to go in and tell the truth that she doesn't even have the child (oops, fraud) and she knows they will be cutting her off if she doesn't.
As soon as the custody changed, DH should have made it legal. He should have filed for CS for the child (even if BM never pays) and he may have even been able to get child on a state subsidized healthcare plan as his own place of employment did not offer insurance (would depend on his income).
I wish he would just take BM
I wish he would just take BM to court! This whole thing is going to end up blowing up in his face and he is going to be the one owing money. I can see it now. BM doesn't want to file for CS because she knows the truth will come out that she hasn't had SD 50% of the time in over a year. She is trying to have us just add SD to our insurance that way she gets to keep her other state benefits (food stamps, etc). I guess there is not too much I can do if DH refuses to take her to court. I am not even CONSIDERING adding SD to my insurance without a court order having all the details in writing because I have to protect myself. So I guess DH and BM are on their own. Ah, the life of a stepparent.
Dang, I wish I had read all
Dang, I wish I had read all the comments before making my own comment LOL. ^^^^THIS^^^ exactly. Twoviewpoints is dead on.
The child is on state aid.
The child is on state aid. The state wants to recoup monies paid out for this child. So the state is telling the person on state aid that someone needs to be paying child support so the state can intercept it and get their money back. If the child is with you 85% of the time I am not sure if BioMom is legally allowed to get free insurance for the kids, but that would be state dependent.
I would have to sit down and
I would have to sit down and figure out the actual % but just threw 85% out there. Basically, BM has SD 1 day a week (Sat) during the school year, plus winter and spring break (even though we have her part of Christmas and Easter so it's not even the full break that she has her). She also had her every other week in the summer. They used to do 50/50 week on/week off but had to stop that when SD went to school because BM lives 2 hours away from us and the school.
I find it ironic that DH had
I find it ironic that DH had no problem having the kid "full time" but not accepting the responsibility of providing health insurance. How would the mom be taking her to all these visits to spite you if she is with you practically full time? Sounds like DH enjoyed getting those benefits he probably didn't qualify for, either. How would he feel taking his child to the doctor using benefits that the mom got based on shoddy info?
I know of several instances
I know of several instances when BM has taken SD to the emergency room for something stupid like a sore throat or ear ache. I guess she doesn't care because she never had to worry about ER bills or copays or anything like that. I just don't want to be in the situation of having a medical bill in my name and no one stepping up to pay it.
I agree with you. I have been on DH to go to court. He is in a predicament with the insurance though because he makes too much to quality for state insurance but can't afford a private plan (it isn't offered through his employer). I don't know what is going to happen. But when this all blows up in his face, I will be thinking "I told ya so!"
I pay $150 a month for
I pay $150 a month for insurance on myself, and not happily, either, as I never go to the doctor. He needs to get a catastrophic plan on her and pay out of pocket when she needs to go to the doctor. That will stop bm from racking up huge bills. As a bm, *I* am responsible for medical bills when I take my kids anywhere because they won't hold another parent responsible for the parent who is bringing them in. This is even when the insurance policy is from Dad's company.
See, I told DH if he goes to
See, I told DH if he goes to court and gets the way the insurance and medical bills will be handled IN WRITING, then I will consider adding SD to my insurance. If it is put in writing that the person who brings the child to the doctor is responsible for the payment, I would be more inclined to add her. I am just trying to protect myself financially. I am beyond irritated that DH won't just go to court and do the right thing. He's so scared of BM taking SD from him.
My husband and his ex's
My husband and his ex's divorce decree and parenting plan is written that SD lives with him and BM pays no CS. They changed that informally over a year ago and now the arrangements are that she lives with her mom during the school year and comes to us most weekends and vacations and my husband pays her CS directly (bank transfer, so that it is traceable). He has always provided health insurance through his work. They did not change the documents held with the court.
BM gets various state benefits and every so often my husband will receive a letter telling him that he should be paying child support or BM will ask him to ring the benefits people to confirm how much child support he pays. He contacts them and confirms the arrangements and then it is all sorted, no official paper work is needed, (but then BM isn't trying to contradict him).
My point is that things do not happen in isolation of my husband. He is contacted or has to contact the benefits people himself. Don't be scared or coerced by BM's words until your husband has talked to the correct officials. And then you will know what the true situation is and will know what evidence they need to prevent you having to provide insurance and/or child support and your husband can get that (perhaps just proof of schooling maybe needed, or maybe he will need to get a modification to the parenting plan).
Don't panic, don't accept everything BM says, find out the facts yourselves and then act on it. I have a suspicion she is making some things up or at least exaggerating the truth....
Also, it is probably worth
Also, it is probably worth going to your states child support calculator online which I know where we are includes medical insurance, so if you put in your situation you will get an idea of what the state standard is for your particular situation and see if he should owe anything. Ultimately if he does need to provide insurance then he needs to change jobs to one that will provide it if he can't afford a separate policy.
I tried checking the state CS
I tried checking the state CS calculator but I do not know BM's financial info so it's hard to tell. I wish he were able to just change jobs. He has been looking for a new job for quite some time. He was laid off from a good job with great benefits and had to take what he could get at the time.
That is similar to what DH
That is similar to what DH and BM did – they were never married so there is no divorce degree but they have changed their custody arrangement several times without involving the court because they were in agreement and saw no reason to drag it through court. I am just confused why BM would be the only one receiving these notices in the mail. Wouldn’t you think they would at least send something to DH? I know they have our current address because it hasn’t changed. I think until DH is contacted by the state, we will hold off on making any changes (unless DH finally agrees to go to court, which is doubtful). I think BM is trying to get us to put SD on our insurance so she doesn’t have to take DH for child support, that way the court won’t realize she never has SD and she won’t lose her other state benefits. She is up to no good.