Can't believe I'm actually questioning a bio...
I have wanted a child for as long as I can remember. The thought of not having one really has never crossed my mind, until now. I had my IUD removed last week and keep telling DH that I have my period so that we don't have sex, but really...I don't. Since I had it removed I have been giving the thought of having one serious thought. Not the kind of fantasy thoughts I've always had before, but true reality thoughts. The "holy sh*t this is happening kind of thoughts". The truth is, I'm not sure that bringing a child into our lives is going to be the best thing. I have a SD7 that I'm hit or miss with. 95% of the time I don't have a problem with her, but sometimes she can really drive me nuts with her baby me I'm a princess act. I don't think that's my real problem though, my real problem is with DH's mom. She has no job (never has, FIL has always catered to her), she does no volunteer work, she does not cook, she has a cleaning lady, someone cares for her pool etc. She also has a shopping addiction. Not one that is debatable, like a for real shopping addiction
And unlimited money to top it off. She goes and buys stuff for our house that we didn't even ask for and then tells us where to hang it or where to put it. We get a home inspection every time she comes over to see if everything is where she bought it to go. To top if off my in-laws hold the mortgage to our house (paid off bank for DH when he went through divorce) and she waltzes in here like she owns the place and should have a say in what colors I paint, etc. As if that isn't annoying enough, she shops constantly for clothes and gifts for SD7. She has a whole room full of gifts for her at her house (no I'm not kidding). Anyway, DH has told her she's not allowed to buy clothes for SD anymore because she interrogates us all the time about if they're at BM's house. It causes huge problems. We have better things to do than keep dips on every piece of clothing that she buys and making sure that she doesn't wear any of it to BM's house. DH cut off the clothing three years ago, yet MIL continues to buy it anyway. She doesn't care whatsoever what DH says. DH pisses me off because he thinks it's "wasteful" to not take them and have SD wear them. Even though she has so many clothes that I donate them with tags in them because she hasn't worn them before outgrowing them. I get so freaking mad at DH for repeatedly telling her she shouldn't be buying clothing and we aren't accepting them and then I turn around and we have yet another shipment of them. All I can imagine is how much worse this kind of stuff is going to be with a second child. DH doesn't have the back bone to stand up to her and it causes real problems on our relationship, actually it's the only thing we fight about. His mom views me as having no authority with SD or in our house. I feel like I'm just here to play house. I really have the shits of it. Feel better venting but I think I'll be keeping my legs closed for a while...
It's completely awkward. I
It's completely awkward. I hate this house. I would love to throw a damn match at it. DH thinks we need to stay here because his ex-wife used to make a lot more money than I do, so if we moved and had to pay a mortgage to a bank we wouldn't end up in as gigantic of a house because I make less money. Honestly, i would rather live in a car and DH doesn't want to downgrade. His parents didn't want precious SD to have to move from the house she was brought home from the hospital in but there was no way DH was affording it on his own. This little fairy tale that life is perfect is bogus. The reality is that her parents are divorced and her dad couldn't afford this house, but in-laws would never let her have a reality check like that. I moved 13 times during my child hood and I'm the most normal one here! My upbringing wasn't glamorous but it was totally normal. I'm not sure I can handle this fluffy sheltered dream that they're all pretending to live in and I def don't want a baby who thinks life is handed to them on a silver platter!
Oh yuck, MOVE ALREADY!!! I
Oh yuck, MOVE ALREADY!!! I wouldn't ever live in the ex's house. No way, no how. Nope. Not ever. I agree, it's too much and all for what? To impress people you don't like? To flaunt money? Nah. Get a cute house you can afford and call your own, without needing Mommy and Daddy Warbucks.
I 1000000% agree. I would be
I 1000000% agree. I would be the only one moving. DH doesn't want to. I have tried millions of times. I've even gotten him to walk through houses with me and we have looked at floor plans for houses we could build, it gets nowhere. I'm stuck. I feel like I play house and no one takes me seriously. My feelings are last to be taken into consideration ALL the time and I'm just sick of it!
Oh don't be fooled. I doubt
Oh don't be fooled. I doubt MIL will lavish the attention on YOUR child. She will amp it up so precious SD poor little COD doesn't feel SLIGHTED.
Then you'll REALLY have a problem.
Better get DH to address his Momma in a meaningful, real way. And mean it. Because basically what he's done so far is tell her "I have to pretend to want you to stop XYZ, but I actually don't want you to stop".
I have no doubt that you're
I have no doubt that you're correct. MIL has told me she buys SD whatever she wants because she doesn't want her to feel deprived or like she missed out on anything bc her parents are divorced. Cut me a freaking break, my parents divorced and then my mom died when I was 9. It's incredible I survived. I'm not even sure DH is capable of standing up to her. I used to think he was. In his job he is a person of authority and has no issues telling people what they need to hear, but he is incapable of standing up to his own mother. Sickening.
To be honest, I really just
To be honest, I really just glanced over your post (at first) and um, no. There is absolutely no way I would live like that. Home inspections by the MIL? Over my fucking dead body.
Do not have this woman's grandchild. Is she old? Will she die soon? I know, I'm awful.
But if you really want a child, you will end up resenting her and your DH. More than you do now.
I don't think it's awful, DH
I don't think it's awful, DH says all the time he can't wait until she's gone. I used to think I was atrocious for him to say and now I get it. Her own son can barely stand to look at her, but he also won't stand up to her. I don't get it
Get another IUD placed and
Get another IUD placed and get locks changed on the doors with strict instructions to your H that no copies to MIL under penalty of divorce.
Nothing is going to change with your MIL, until your H stands up to her. His arguments about your salary vs his exW's salary are crap. There is probably a ton of equity in the house you're in now. Sell it, get out from under the MIL and find a place more suitable for you and H.
Do not, under any circumstances, get pregnant until he learns to stand up to his mommy.
He's never going to stand up
He's never going to stand up to Mama. Factor that into your decision and learn to accept it before having kid which is a bad, bad, bad idea.
Actually your assumption if
Actually your assumption if everything i "don't do" is completely inaccurate. Every wall in this house is the color I wanted it to be, that's why I hear about it every time she comes over. I don't accept any gifts or clothes from her, that's why she gives them to DH when I'm not around and she walks around our house to see if everything is where she sent it to go (which it's not). As a matter of fact this is DH's fault. It's not even his moms fault because he lets her do it. I don't think it's my job to get DH's mom in check anymore than it would be his job to get my parents in check. DH let her come in here and decorate and do whatever she wanted after BM left and she is under the impression that he is still fine with her doing that, and it's not because I haven't said I object, because I have.
I'm not sure if your post was intended to be a motivational pep talk or what but your rude comments about growing up and start being a woman were completely unneccesary. Unless you've lived in my shoes and live my situation day in and day out it's not any of your business to ASSUME that I need to grow up. I post here looking for advice and others who have been in similar situations, not to be beaten down.
Ya know, sue, we all thought
Ya know, sue, we all thought the way you handled your husband's cousin was awesome BUT the fact is, before you handled it, you came here for advice. I assumed you figured out it was much easier to hand out advice on the internet than to actually DO it when you are in that situation.
You handled it but you were an emotional mess before and after because it's not easy in real life to deal with someone who is in your face, especially family.
I thought you would have a little more compassion after that incident. I guess not.
Do not stand for this shit.
Do not stand for this shit. You need to remember that this is YOUR house, YOU live there and everyone else can get fucked. If they want to inspect the house, then they can put up with the reasons why things are the way they are: BECAUSE ITS YOUR HOME AND YOU LIVE THE WAY YOU WANT. Its awkward that MIL/FIL helped buy the house, but that doesn't mean they can tell you how to live. It would be different if you were trashing the place but you're not. My mum is not as bad as your MIL, but its also because I put my foot down. "Why don't you dust?" "Why do you let the dogs do that?" "The kids should do this, do that" etc etc. My response: Because its the way it is. This is how we live. My reasons for doing/not doing it are this and that is non-negotiable. You have your views, I have mine, this is my home.
DH may never be able to get through to his mother. He may have always been like that with her in which case it is business as usual. Don't stand for it. Man up. Take control. Create an environment where you want to raise your own child and that you can be happy. No one else will do it for you.
And don't deny him sex because you don't want to conceive yet. Get on some birth control and enjoy sex again. SOMETHING has to be good in the house!
Good luck!
I feel your pain. We live in
I feel your pain. We live in their old house too because she didn't want to live in it and it's on family property blah blah blah. My one condition was that we paint the house to make it feel like mine now. Been almost a year and still no paint... The big difference is when you have a child you will have more control because it will be your child. They may not respect DH but I think you will make them respect your child and your boundaries. I have no bios and four skids. I am young at 24 and now I think jeez 5 is a lot of kids. I know how it feels to question having a child but I'm starting to think that if I really wanted it all of those years why am I not wanting it now? Is it because I had a taste of what having children is like? On the other hand I know my children will have a set of their own annoyances but I will be able to discipline them too. It's messy life being a step parent