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Granton's picture

My Lady and I are both around 40 - and had a child together. She had two from a previous marriage (girl 15, boy 10 at the time). Custody was shared but primarily with her X in the States - and they travelled back and forth here to Canada. At our son's first birthday party we announced that we were going to get married (at our farm) in about four weeks. Their kids called their Dad that night as they did every night (he was remarried, with a young daughter, and had a head full of crazy bad wires). So, that night he hanged himself.

So flash forward five years: SD couldn't finish high school, did have a great job at a nursing home house-cleaning, until she started stealing from the residents to support her coke habit. We got her through a four week re-hab, sent her back to school, she dropped out again. Moved out it live with some hoarders - and anytime she came around she just smelled of garbage. She moved back in - and we had to burn most of her stuff because of the stink. Out she moves again, gets a job as a hooter shooter girl at a strip joint. Has a new boyfriend where she spends most of her nights at his parents' house (can't figure that out), wants to move her stuff back in here, and stay just here a couple of nights a week. Now she wants to replace the furniture in what has become our guest/spare room with her furniture. She's rude, messy, just drops over and eats everything in our fridge and doesn't clean up --- DRIVING ME CRAZY!

Stepson? Well, all he wants to do is transgender.

All of this has to play out in front of our six year old boy. Please Dear Lord - help me!

Orange County Ca's picture

^^^^^^^^ What 'Heck...' said. No druggies in the house.

If she completed a residential rehabilitation perhaps a half-way house and now was clean both in mind and body I'd have to give her a chance to get on her feet.

That won't happen until she hits bottom, wherever that may be for her, everyone's different. But for now - no not living with your child.

Granton's picture

You are right about my stepson. And I am trying - it's not something that I have much of a frame of reference.
My concern, and I guess I my shpeil to him is always that his sexuality isn't the only thing that defines you. Gay people, women, still have to do their homework, learn about life, do something --- he is totally resistant to counselling, wants to start hormone therapy right away, and I am sure he has been carrying that around in his head for a long time -- I guess have a hard time accepting it as fait-de-compli. I'm not being hateful about it, but I guess thing with all that he has been exposed to - he is searching and searching - and the further he can put himself in the margins the more gets to say "See - no one understands me" I know I could be completely wrong - I just think he is far too young and immature to be making this kind of decision. In Ontario, he can't begin any type of treatment until he is 18. So he is waiting. But he wants to start dressing like a girl, wigs etc...

As for the SD - she is a creeping virus. I just have to keep my mouth shut, and then my wife sees it on her own. But that's the hard part - keeping my mouth shut. I try...

Orange County Ca's picture

Sorry but I would come out 100% in support of the gurl. That's not a misspelling. You're not going to change him and only frustrate everyone. How about a contract? He can dress anyway he wishes that the school will accept as long as he maintains a "C" average in grades?

Counseling with a counselor who isn't going to try and change him but help him understand the world would help. You can make it clear the counselor isn't going to try and change him and throw that in the agreement if you wish. Or you can say "Look we'll stop trying to change you if you'll see this counselor who isn't going to try and change you either".

Get behind the boy and accept him for what it is. Remember it's not your genes.

Anon2009's picture

These sks need to be in counseling. They need intensive therapy as they likely inherited a lot of their dad's issues. On top of that they are dealing with his loss.

onthefence2's picture

I agree both need intensive therapy. This all sounds eerily similar to my uncle's family and my cousins. Only it's my cousin who attempted suicide and my uncle who seems to want to be dead. They are a family full of depressed people. Oh, and did I mention another cousin is transgender? So here we have... 1 transgender, 1 dad w/ 3 kids, all different moms, and 1 divorced overweight suicidal (maybe bi-polar?) coming from the same family as a man who verbally whines on fb about wanting everything to be over...EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. The three siblings live in the same house together; they chased Dad off, I guess.

But anyway, back to the transgender, here's what I can tell you. My boy cousin is now a girl. Name changed and everything. He is...idk...late 40s? I'm sorry, SHE. Of course, this doesn't affect sexual orientation, so now instead of being an unhappy male, she is now a miserable lesbian. Seriously. She also whines and complains about how nobody understands her, she's a freak, etc. I don't understand this confusion, so I have very limited sympathy. To me it just seems much easier keeping everything the same and being a miserable heterosexual rather than looking like a guy in drag and expecting lesbians to go for that sort of thing. It just makes no sense logically, but I guess you don't know you are still going to be miserable until you get there... But yeah, I would definitely find someone to talk to this young man and sort everything out.

Granton's picture

And that's very similar to the only transgender experience I have. Years ago a family friend "transed" had been 40 years old with three kids when he decided to come out... and guess what - miserable life ensued for everyone!
In one way I am thankful he is talking about this now rather going down the path of life and having children and getting them all screwed up.
But you know what really bugs me? He can go online and find all of this "trans information" but he can't even figure out when the first back to school is! ugh!!!
Thank you for listening.

Rags's picture

The druggy SD gets to live under an overpass. End of story.

TG SS should get support and counseling. In your home he lives and dresses as a boy. No need having big bris confuse your 6yo who takes precidence. A 16yo even one going through the life adjustments of the realization that he is transgendered should be able to interfere with the younger kid's opportunity to be the age that they are. Once he is 18 and launched he can life as he chooses but as long as he is under your roof in daily contact with his younger brother he maintains his behaviors in ways that have the least impact on the little guy.

My dad let me know in no uncertain terms that my teen year struggles would in no way be allowed to infringe on my younger brothers experiences of childhood. I had my chance at their ages and I would not be allowed to adversely impact their chance to be 5,6,7,8, etc.......

All IMHO of course.

BethAnne's picture

Personally I would take your SS to see a doctor to talk through the steps for transitioning gender. I would be highly surprised if the first of those steps isn't some sort of therapy to verify if that is the correct course for him to take. You could then agree that he attends the therapy but he must keep up with his school work. It will also help show him that you are taking him seriously and give you more leverage in other areas where you need to be tough on him (homework etc) so that you aren't constantly the bad guy.

Your six year old will be perfectly fine if his older brother starts wearing dresses and wigs and even adopts a feminine name. Kids are very accepting, a lot more than adults. If he sees that his older brother is happier that way then he will be happy. Yes it will be confusing for him at first, but a simple explanation that his brother was born with the wrong body parts and is really a girl, should satisfy his curiosity.

I've no idea what to suggest for your SD. It depends on how many chances her mother wants to give her I suppose. If you are really keen to get her into therapy, maybe you could try bribing her. Giving her x amount of dollars a month for going to therapy? Probably a bad idea, I know, but at least it is doing something and keeping her out of your home. As others have said she probably just needs to reach rock bottom on her own before things will get better.