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Haven't even seen the kid, already in a funk

ChiefGrownup's picture

Have been on a wonderful road trip with DH, family and old friends, gorgeous scenery, and awesome food. It was all glorious. I didn't think of StepTalk even once, let alone log in.

We've been home one day, all he did was tell me briefly about his evening with the kids and all I can think about is HER. That would be SD15.

What I would say to her therapist if I got the chance, how I would handle her schooling, social behavior, boyfriend, electronics, household behavior, etc. All the buzzing in my head. Now I'm in a funk and am driven to my own "drug," StepTalk, for relief.

Haven't even seen her yet. The stress of living with someone who is so mean and hostile is that bad. I know she sits in that therapist's office acting like a "wounded little girl." Barf. That therapist has no idea how much wounding that young woman INFLICTS.

How is it possible that so much good life can be so pervasively poisoned by one part-time adolescent?

Life was good for 6 days when I didn't have to think about her.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I communicate with her very little already. But that's the whole thing: she can still bring this grief into my home and my heart. And I do barely respond any more when he talks about her. I just started that recently (it's done openly, DH and I talked about it) but it's still gut wrenching to hear that she's already flunking a class that should be easy for her and all the rest of the crappy crap crapitude.

Yes, it was a WONDERFUL trip, thank you! I would like to go back to it immediately!

ChiefGrownup's picture

I'm waiting for the day they invite me. That day may never come. It bothers me that the two parents (DH and BM) only told the therapist their own whitewashed version of what's up with her. It bothers me a GREAT DEAL that the therapist is being set up to believe that Dad's new marriage and the wicked stepmother are the root of most of the girl's problems.

That kid had problems LONG before they even divorced. But Daddy being "brainwashed" by the wicked stepmother is a very convenient cover.

Teas83's picture

I'm in the same boat. My SD's BM recently went to her lawyer with a list of things she's been documenting about me for over a year. The list is full of things that my SD apparenly told her. It has things like:

"SD said Teas83 made her stand in a corner when she didn't mean to be bad. It was an accident and Teas83 made her stand there anyway."

"SD said Teas83 stole her stuffed turtle and gave it to BD and wouldn't give it back."

"SD said Teas83 doesn't bathe her anymore."

There were dozens and dozens of little things like this. The whole point was to paint a picture of me as a horrible person, saying that I mistreat my SD and that she now needs therapy because of it. It was so ridiculous to see that BM lacks the intelligence to realize that children often misunderstand things and then recollect them inaccurately. So now my SD is going to start therapy all because of the wicked step mother.

Every single situation she documented had been completely taken out of context, or else there was missing information about the circumstances. I know I haven't done anything wrong, but she made me look so horrible.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Solidarity, sister. Sad

Sorry to hear all of this.

In my case, the kid is a teen so the complaints are more like "Dad has changed;" "Dad isn't happy anymore" (yeah, he's mad at and embarrassed by YOU, SD, and he told you so!); "I don't get to talk to him anymore" (Um, you still monopolize all the airwaves in our home yet won't even answer his occasional texts or calls; "There's all these changes and ru-ules!" (sorry, kid, no beating up on autistic little brothers in my house EVER AGAIN and the eating with the fingers is really a cruel, cruel lesson, isn't it?).

Yes, I "took" her daddy away. What a horrible thing to do, say "yes" to a man who asks you on a date. I should be jailed.

Let's not talk about how the elementary school had to permanently separate her from her brother and the other first graders when she was in FOURTH grade for her obsessive bullying and harassing of him/them. That was back in the Time Before Me or Even the Divorce.

Let's not talk about how she would run about emitting animal noises, never had a single friend, got in trouble with her uncle for bullying her little cousin, how her grandmother avoided their house cuz little princess is too damn unpleasant to be around.

Let's not talk about any of that stuff that happened in the Golden Holy Time before they divorced or he met me. Yes, it is all wicked stepmother's fault that she's mean to everyone and is flunking school.

Frustr8d1's picture

That happens to me every single day. And every day I wake up asking myself how a mean, rude, disrespectful 11 yr old can ruin my otherwise nice life?? It's driven me to the point of severe depression.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Broken.lost and Frustr8d1, thank you so much. You DO know exactly how I feel and why. Thank you so much. Feeling that I'm not alone or crazy is the best possible medicine. Thank you both for a good dose of the good stuff.

Anon2009's picture

If your husband has the therapist's business card you could let them know your side of things and send him/her an email offering to meet them.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Thanks for the advice. Yes, DH can contact her and has been to a couple of the sessions. In fact, it was some of his reporting of a small conversation he had with therapist yesterday that helped push me into this mood.

The invitation to me I think really needs to come from the therapist or SD15. Otherwise, I think SD15 would refuse to go to the sessions anymore and I certainly don't want that. It may be warped, but at least it's better than letting her run rampant without any effort at all.

mixedemotionsaboutstepdaughter's picture

I wonder how many of these therapists sit back and think, "What a spoiled brat?! Heaven forbid you're punished for being stupid!" Etc., etc., etc. I mean, I know there are legitimate reasons for therapists...but, come on! Kids nowadays are so pampered and treated like fine China...when they need to be made to grow up and learn responsibility for their actions!

ChiefGrownup's picture

I hope you are right and they do think that sometimes. But too often, I fear, they are secretly thinking "what mean stepparents/the dad should never have gotten married/kid just needs more wuv!"

When we were on vacay we saw so many kids being responsible and helpful in so many ways -- mowing lawns, helping with the wedding, etc. I just looked and stared and hoped DH was seeing what I was seeing. THOSE were happy, well-adjusted kids, a pleasure to be around. Why wouldn't every parent want that? Why am I forever hearing the excuse "she's a tee--eeen?" And she wasn't a teen for all the other wretched behavior I listed in another post. When do the excuses stop and the parenting begin?

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Sounds like it was a wonderful trip, CGU! I can certainly relate to the sheer obsessive misery upon your return. Hostile, mean people create a cloud in our lives - and in our heads. I will advise to change the course of your thoughts: SD is 15, not fully formed yet, obviously allowed a free reign earlier ( what's with the bullying of her little brother? Where were her parents in all that?) and now having to adjust. Of course her dad has changed! My SIL explained DH changing to my OSD25 as in, "He is a different man bc he out of the sick relationship he had with your mother and he sees things differently. Also, you are an adult and the expectations of you have changed" ( the 25yo immediately stared screaming back something incoherent - i guess she did not like having to grow up).

It may be the first time ever someone your SD has to be around all the time told her that she would treat people and objects with respect, thus denying her control. She was always able to get out of having to bend to anyone's will. So she is rebelling and manipulating you, her dad and the therapist. She sounds like a budding personality-disordered individual, and if money was not an issue she should really be placed in a therapeutic residential program. May be even a non-therapeutic one could do the trick.

As for your peace of mind, why don't you talk to a therapist? Another therapist, not your SD's.

If you really want *her* therapist to get your POV, why don't you write up your impressions and get them to him/her? The therapist cannot discuss your SD with you, but he/she can listen - or read. This is thinking outside the box, but even if you write your observations up and give them to your DH, and see if he wants to share them with the therapist, it might help you. I actually would not assume the therapist takes what your SD says at face value. She seems pretty disturbed to me, a trained professional should be able to pick up on her unwillingness to assume repsonsibility for her action.

I always mention the Sophie storyline on In Treatment ( Season One) as a perfect example of how a good therapist can influence a teen's view of many things, her parents, her relationships with them, and effect real change. You could watch it with your DH if you have not seen it. It gives a lot of food for thought. It is real therapy happening in front of your eyes, and it is a great show. I used it with my kids by way of a therapeutic intervention a few years ago - it opens flood gates. You could watch it with your SD even.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Thanks, Pilgrim.

"what's with the bullying of her little brother? Where were her parents in all that?"

Excellent question. BM answer: alternately acting helpless, ineffective, not paying attention.
DH answer: convincing himself it is normal "horseplay."

I must give DH credit, after a long difficult bit of road, he has supported me in ending this horrifying behavior and raising his own standards. Now we both police her on that. Her mother? not so much.

"It may be the first time ever someone your SD has to be around all the time told her that she would treat people and objects with respect, thus denying her control. She was always able to get out of having to bend to anyone's will."

Truer. Words. Were. Never. Spoken. Amen!

I did go to see a therapist briefly on my own. It helped a bit to get my DH and I talking about it in a more constructive way. But as soon as SD15 started going to a therapist in the same office, my own therapist turned into a Gestapo officer and would no longer let me talk about the girl! I discussed this a few weeks back in someone else's thread. Won't relive it here. The bottom line is there's no way those people are going to talk to me, read my notes, whatever, without their express invitation. Stupid crap but this is the therapist she's got now and if we don't stick with it, BM and SD15 will undoubtedly end their cooperation.

Thanks for the tip on the Sophie story. I'll try to look into it.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Your SD was seeing a different therapist in the same office/practice as your therapist?? And the two of them discussed?? I would think that is unethical and would report them.

ChiefGrownup's picture

No, they didn't discuss. The entire reason I myself sought a therapist was that no one was marching SD15 to one. I was going nuts. I told this to the therapist I picked at first visit and therever after.

When her parents were finally ready to admit she was spinning out of even their dream vision of her, I asked my therapist if it was ok if she came to their office or a referral if not. She said her office was fine.

When I next came to my own appt there, I announced that the girl had finally started therapy --remember, the only reason I started therapy myself-- and my own therapist went ape shit and wouldn't let me talk about her any more.

ChiefGrownup's picture

To be clear, Teen Girl's therapist and mine were not the same person, they just worked for the same place at different locations. No crossover.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Thank you very much. Some other people in an earlier thread agreed with you. I shared it with my husband. We do feel validated and supported by y'all. Hey, would you folks like our check for 80 bucks? You certainly deserve it more!

And, in case you were wondering, that is certainly the last time I went to her. Without sk, I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT, LADY!!!

Thanks, Pilgrim. And everybody.