I'm swirling in a place of confusion. I am questioning everything that has been happening and doubting all progress I thought we had been making.

Last night when I got home from work there was of course the discussion regarding OSS and the ipad charge. (See yesterday's blog). Then my BD12 comes and says it is picture day at school tomorrow. In the past, my exH and I would split the cost of a photo CD and pass it between his house and ours. The photographer gives you the CD and you can make as many prints as you want in as many different sizes you want for a fee that is less than a big package of pics with sizes you won't use anyway. So BD asks if that's what is happening again. I said I didn't know but I would check with her dad. So I texted my exH "what did you want to do about pictures this year? Are we doing the CD again or just each get what we want?" Simple. To the point. No biggie. Simply are we doing the same or each do our own. ExH texts back "That CD thing works well, send BD12 up here on her bike and I will give her the money for it" Okay. Easy peasy. Done. No biggie.

But then we have BM...I ask DH "are we doing a CD with BM (I really need a nickname for her...the name I usually say isn't lady like and I only use it when talking on the phone with my BFF) or just each do our own?" We have been having issues with BM not paying what she is supposed to pay and honestly I care to have NOTHING to do with HELPING that woman in any way, shape or form. I can't stand her. DH texts BM "did you want to get the CD again this year for the kids pics?" Her response "I bought it last year (ummmm no you didn't. You may have paid it initially, but we gave you half the money for it, and the only reason we didn't ahead of time was because you had the kids on picture day and giving you cash before hand was not going to result in us getting pictures because it would have gotten spent at the bar with your b/f) so you can buy it. I didn't even get YSS's disc last year!" Again, yes you did. If you chose not to make pics that is on you. It went to your house first, then came to ours (Iknow you at least looked because the seal was broken on the envelope), if you needed it back for additional pics all you had to do was say something, and it would have gotten sent there again (but again, I know you already had it. I know you used it. You had YSS and OSS pics on Facebook so I know you loaded it into your computer you f'ing bitch). So DH says, "just get the CD" I kind of sigh and he gets snotty, "WHAT???!!!" I quietly said, "i'm just tired of subsidizing the bitch. It's expected that we should take care of everything and she will point blankly say "have hanging take care of it, she works too! She makes more $$ than me and works more" but yet I deserve no respect and should have no say in things that I don't agree with." It's petty....I know it is. But it really PISSES ME OFF. And DH goes off about how he can't control her and control what she does and he can't help it that she does nothing. Yeah, you can't, but you CAN stop enabling her and making it easy on her.

So this steers off into a whole "You hate my exwife and I'm so tired of this causing issues with the two of us, why can't you just let it go and have nothing to do with her? Why can't it just be us and the kids and fuck her and ignore her?" Ahhh that is the golden question isn't it DH?? My response to him was along these lines, "Why? I would LOVE to. I would love to not have that woman's name mentioned in my home, nor have ANY contact with her whatsoever. I simply asked if we are sharing a CD or each doing our own thing, and in reality I should have just said fuck it, who cares what she does...but the rub here my dear DH is that YOU say you want it just us and have nothing to do with her...and YET you maintain contact with her. It's one way or the other. I hate that she intrudes on our time, that she thinks she has a say in what happens with skids on OUR time, and all the other tension and chaos she brings, you allow that though. But when it comes to being responsible for HER kids, then we should just keep her out of it..THUS ENABLING and MAKING THINGS EASY!!!" He goes off about that damn picture she texted him of YSS and how "I know it's so TERRIBLE that I get a text about MY KID from my exwife and respond about it regarding MY KID" I said, sooooo.....all the talk in counseling, was exactly just that...talk. You didn't mean any of it did you? When it was discussed and how that hurts our marriage and our relationship and that it is not a relationship you need to maintaining, your agreement and further discussion about it was all bullshit. You realy didn't mean a damn thing.

To me...you want to just have "just us and our family" then have "JUST US AND OUR FAMILY" and quit answering and responding to that psycho bitch about anything not IMMEDIATELY relevant to the health and welfare of the skids. KEEP her out of our life...OR DON'T...but then don't get pissy when I get frustrated that she isn't going to be accountable for her kids but I have to because I am with you.

I'm so hurt. I know he was angry. I was too, but he just won't see how it bothers and hurts me when she is given any glimpse of our life and family or allowed to feel like she has a say in it. Of course the evening finished out with silence between us and then he left for work. I of course got the 12:00 am "love you" text like it all has been forgotten...but it hasn't. And this is two nights in a row now that this is how the evening has gone.

It's most definitely a "I hate my life and stepfamily, wish I could avoid the whole lot of them" kind of day.